2018 Out with the Dog, in with the Boar!

In 2018 I spent a whole year in Japan working and living in my own apartment for the 2nd year in Meguro.  In August, I decided on a whim to go to Australia with a day stop in Fiji.  Second year in Japan since arrival in June 2016, 5 months in the U.S makes 2 years.  I’ve set a goal to leave by May 1, 2019.

img_0010August 2018 Australia: Operation Upward Mobility Down Under.  Kinda failed but it didn’t really fail if I wasn’t homeless or hurt in any way I suppose.  I managed to meet “some dude” who invited me into his apartment as quick as he kicked me out.  A nice reminder of my old life and all the trauma that was included in the fast paced no love hustle life.  I didn’t manage to have any sex work clients but I did manage to smoke weed all week for the first time in a really long time and walk along Newtown and Bondi for the first time since I was 21 years old.  When I went to Fiji, had a club full of Fijian dudes surrounding me, which is the energy that I am used to, even the energy that I THRIVE off of. I had to leave Japan to find out if i was still attractive to men.  The fact that I could no longer feel that masculine polarity was scaring me so I booked a flight on a credit card and went to Sydney to try to make that money. But. I had ZERO clients, but perhaps it was fate. In my heart, I know that I don’t really want to do prostitution any longer.  But it was an experiment to see if I COULD do it again. This was a trip to prove that I was still attractive, and despite sex work not working out, I still left feeling good about myself with enough information to know that Japan was the environment that was killing my vibe. In my mind, I can, especially when there is a survival urgency.  I charged the entire trip on my credit card because that was how bad I wanted to change my life. Did I change my life? Not in the way that I wanted, but I did accomplish finding out if I still “had it” even though I actually didn’t date successfully for free or for cash, but I did realize the finer things in life don’t include sex work or money.  (free art, beaches, weed and nice people). I also found out that cashiers talking to strangers was not just an American thing, it was just not a Japanese thing. I miss small talk. I suppose it makes me feel like I am alive.

I still get lost in Shinjuku station.  I just found out that the Oedo and Keio lines are the same color (dark pink).  But once I figure it out, I figure it out. I’m proud of the fact that I was able to reconcile my attendance at my Friday Shinjuku class even though I was so late on the first day of class that I had to just go home because I couldn’t find it the school that I’d been to twice before.  My phone bill wasn’t paid on time so the GPS and use of the data was non functional, i couldn’t look up the map or the address from the email. I’ve since made it to the class on time every time since and I’m happy that these students love me. I’m proud of the fact that I am loved by most of my students.

I’m proud of my Nursery School teaching job.  The students are so loveable.  I wouldn’t be able to do this job without being able to speak Japanese well enough to communicate to the staff.  I researched Japanese nursery rhymes to translate to ESL. It is really hard to teach a foreign language to kids who can barely speak their own native language nor read or write.  

I’m proud that I got to snowbord twice already in 2018.  I’ll be happy if I go up there just once or twice more since in 2017 I was only able to go once due to lack of funds.

I taught a Jpop singer how to sing Carpenters songs.  Again, despite my imperfect fluency in this language, I can still get work with native Japanese speakers and communicate well enough to convince them that I can teach them.

I forced myself to master speaking on the phone in Japanese.  I got a small job working for an American paragliding company.  It was something like an internship for a few weeks but that helped me to get more practice speaking.

I’m proud that I learned how to teach Phonics ESL starting from the Shuf*notomo school which I was crying and fretting over to quickly mastering.  It was so much like a flashback to 1st year of teaching which was resolved 10x quicker than that period of student teaching, which took almost 5 months to master.  

I’m happy I got to visit parts of Japan that I had not seen before: Nikko, Izumo, Izu Shimoda, Yamaguchi, Matsuyama, Sanrio Purolando (the Hello Kitty amusement park!).

I’m happy that my sister and mom and I survived one of the biggest typhoons in Osaka unscathed and that we had a relatively good time together.  

I cut my hair short this year.  Right before the great Osaka typhoon hit, me and my mom and sister were getting haircuts nonchalantly.  A memorable day.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: I MADE NEW ART!   A whole body of artwork to have a new show with! Woot Woot!

I started a Patreon page.  www.patreon.com/marikopassion

I passed the JLPT N4.  I’m studying for my N3.  My Japanese level is pretty good.  Good enough to get a job. I can chat with someone on a 5 hour continuous bus ride.  I dated someone in Japanese, a few people actually. My mother refused to speak to me in Japanese on her recent Japan trip which was surprising because she had been writing me in Japanese for a few months before coming.  I’m proud of the fact that I’ve been able to attain knowledge of my culture and language despite her lack of support.

Got my first Japanese only speaking job.  Three of the bosses bullied me.  I told the boss that got me the job, not the restaurant managers about the situation and filed a complaint.  I don’t know where that is going to go as of now.  I stood up for myself however and that is almost unheard of in Japan.  I want to get another better Japanese speaking job, but I’m traumatized.

2018 ended on a great note.  I hung out with a friend I hadn’t hung out with in over fifteen years.  I took them to an Yebisu Garden tower restaurant where there is a lovely view, I knew because I used to work there.  I rang the temple bell of the Good Luck Business Cat (Manneki Neko) and then went off to a club I randomly selected to go to til the morning hours.  I met a nice Japanese/Korean guy and he was really young and sweet to me.  It is very rare to find a Japanese guy who will let a female be female and actually pay for things, open doors and be nice.  I go to clubs alone nowadays just assuming that I will probably go home alone because Japan has just been this way for me.  We had good sex, fun with drugs and watched an Oiran movie on Netflix which is the subject of my recent artwork, and Oiran were the courtesans of Japan from 200 years ago.  Every foreign country person including myself, wrongfully coining myself “urban geisha” didn’t know that it was the Oiran who were the real sex workers of Japan at the time.  They were actually trafficked as children into a lifetime of brothel life but that is going to be the subject of my future art exhibition and artist talks.  I ended 2018 with a Tantra client and that allowed me to create new artwork including a wedding to myself and my first kimono photoshoot of my adult life.  I was able to travel out of Tokyo, including way down south to visit a cousin I hadn’t really hung out with before who is a monk and see a part of Japan that I hadn’t seen before.  December was really the highlight of 2018, because of Tantra, which unlike sex work is not just work but my spirituality and my life force I was able to become more whole, make my client more whole and fill my soul not just in the moment but as I submit artwork and writing to exhibitions and develop work for the future it will fill me for years to come beyond 2018.



So you wanted a Japanese speaking job

So you wanted a Japanese speaking job? Not the kind of job that you currently have where you speak Japanese 20% of the time as a teacher, using all your bilingual skills to translate well known Japanese nursery rhyme songs into English with kids so they don’t have to think twice about the fact that they’re actually learning translations and code switching without thinking about it, no, no, you wanted a Japanese job where they treat you like the lowest cog on the totem pole of the hierarchical system that teaches them to bow in the face of shit being thrown in their faces. You wanted a Japanese job where you didn’t understand all the commands being told to you, where you had to move in one direction but you didn’t know which direction or where to put the things where and how but you couldn’t ask them to repeat what they said or speak slower because they would be even more upset than they were before you entered the kitchen. I feel like I just got adopted into some foster home, but I wanted this. A 100% Japanese speaking job which truly tested my fluency, and demanded that I work on my feet for 6 hours with no break after a 4 hours of teaching. “Learning a language takes time.” said one of my online students,”I’ve been in Sweden for 3 years and my English and Swedish are still not so great!” he smiled at me. “Yes. I know that!” I reflected back at him an equal smile and we held each other in our lack of language ability in the countries that we were living in. “I’ve been studying Japanese on and off since I was 12 and living in Japan for over 2 years.” Every hard situation in Japan seems to just get harder because i ask for it to get harder. I take the hard road in hopes that I will accelerate my improvement, but it always seems like I’m never going anywhere fast. Maybe, just maybe I have. It’s really hard to tell when you are in the dark flurry of slaying things in the lion’s den because you are just swinging your sword, hoping for the best, trying to keep up. I do remember 2 years ago when I went to the ATM trying to deposit the rent that was due for my apartments first and last security deposit that it was so hard to figure out how to read all the different names of the screens that weren’t waiting for my literacy to catch up as they were flashing kanji and buttons to press and timing out and making me start over from the beginning. I remember that day being one of the hardest days of my Japan life, and now that I’ve leaped over that hurdle at least 50 times by now, it has indeed become easy to withdraw, transfer and make deposits at the Japanese ATM. And, no, you can’t use the English menu for banking, and I don’t want to anyway.  English only speakers, I just don’t know how they even survive because the English menu is often totally different than the Japanese one and you can’t even do the same functions that you need to survive in Japanese Japan. So, I finally got a Japanese job in Tokyo and I was originally hired with a lot of promise and a recommendation but it didn’t take the staff long to get really mad at me for being at the level that I was at. I didn’t know where things went, and I forgot them when I was told once. I didn’t speak Japanese fluently and my semi fluency just wasn’t cutting it for them because they didn’t have the patience to teach me both where to put the pots and pans, wash dishes fast enough and learn new words. I’ve already learned a lot in 3 weeks that I could never have learned unless I got this job. I’ve learned menus, and polite hospitality speak, how to work the dishwasher and coffee maker, how to stack glasses and how to not stack certain glasses, and most importantly that Japanese workers greet each other with Ohayogozaimasu in the evening when they FIRST see each other regardless of whether it is morning or not. Valuable inside information. And yeah, its hard and I’ve woken up sore, but I haven’t cried yet, even though I have been 75% fired, meaning 3 of the 4 days per week that I was originally scheduled were dropped because I just can’t do what they need. And, that’s just fine. I was exhausted every day and night anyway. I felt like I was making license plates in jail and people on Facebook were worried about me because the way I was talking about it sounded like I was crying for rescue. But there are very few outlets aside from my Facebook in which I can express these things. Aside from this blog.


Avoid and Detach

October is here and I am feeling that my mood is dropping with my income.  It’s been a year since I have gotten sick which is a great thing considering it is going to be medical mask season in Japan in no time.  I’ve been spending time looking for jobs in Hawaii and in greater Japan to see what the future holds. The more I think about being a Tantra goddess in Hawaii and smoking weed everyday, the more my mouth waters with excitement.  I deserve to be joyful at least. I was in a short relationship recently but now it is over after about 3 weeks. I have the tendency to attract avoidant detachers, and learning about this particular relationship theory really has saved me from a lot of pain and hurt in the recent past.  My last love affair with an avoidant in Okinawa ended also abruptly as it had started and it hurt a lot more than this one but in the wake of it I researched this particular set of relationship theories and was able to see a great long pattern of this that started in high school and I actually could feel myself heal. From the age of 15 to 40, I blamed myself for them abandoning ship and it devastated me for long periods that long outlasted the short period of time that they were ever able to spend with me which varied from a week to a month or two at most.  This last guy told me “well, you want to get married and have kids” so that just blah blah blah, I don’t even know what he said after that because I focused on the former sentence. He read my blog posts and determined that I wasn’t a good partner for him because I dared to want a family. I think my other Special Dismissive Detacher Head ex boyfriend also would say things like that to me “you want a Disney relationship”, making the fact that I wanted a child or marriage a negative thing.  While I agree that Disney in many ways is a problematic ideal, the idea of a Disney type of LOVE union is no different than other tales of pair bonding: Shakti and Shiva, Romeo and Juliet, JayZ and Beyonce etc and the idea of wanting that to be made out to be something wrong is what is wrong actually.   The Disney ideal to him also referred to monogamy and marriage, which that ex was firmly against.   I believe it can be a terrible negative to these types of attachers. It has occurred to me a year or so ago that if I actually wanted to ever make the dream of being a mother come true, I need to move out of Japan, I’m fairly convinced the baby daddy does not exist on this island.  An English student of mine who is the same age as me just had a miscarriage and that also hit me like a reality bomb. I’m probably not going to have kids, Am I Universe?  I’m just going to entertain them part time as a nursery school teacher at best?  Is this my fate?  My recent student is married and stable but the same age as me: 42.  Having kids is not something that I dedicated enough of my life making happen even up until now.  It has always just been an idea  mainly because I am MOSTLY SINGLE!  Therefore “making kids” is not something i could have practically dedicated my life to unless it was through intentional random pairing (I know a single mother who did this long ago) or the unconventional fertilization route (which, one of my friends who is a single mother pursued for more than five years from age 35-42).  I guess I am too scared to be a single mother having been raised single and also been so economically unbalanced just taking care of myself.  My two chosen daughters are also single mothers in their twenties and it doesn’t seem like a life I want badly enough to dedicate so much effort to be actually.  If any model I dreamed of, it wasn’t Disney, it was JayZ and Beyonce, working as a power couple (or their media projected images of family) and parental team.  I proposed it to my two gay bff couple, who have been a pair for over 7 years and they rejected the queer family idea almost 5 years ago.  They still seem to be living with just enough to enjoy weekends income, not yet married, no assets and taking care of their families with their middle class incomes which means, no desire to make room for a baby.  I haven’t even committed to having a dog, even that I lived in the same place for 11 years. My income was always unstable, even then. It seems that I made it all the way across the ocean only to replicate the same pattern that I lived in in a totally different career in LA.  Prostitute-Victim-Rescuer Triangle (this is a DEEP one that I want to dedicate a whole post on later) . Oh, wait, I never saw myself as a victim even tough I was, or was I, or am I? Or are we ALL one breath away from a change in our status.   Oh, wait, I’m an English teacher now which is the same as being a college student counting change and eating convenience store food to save money. That feeling I experienced when I could actually feel myself healing needs to happen with my money story.  I feel like I am teaching my ass off and going to interviews weekly like they are another job. There is no rest for the normal worker, this which I swore I would never be again when I quit teaching the first time. I am working hard to sow my resources using all the skills that I have and always spending my free time to search for better ways, yet change is very slow and sometimes I even fear not having enough change to get to my next job site on the train because the train fee is so expensive.  The thought of staying in Tokyo living this same life for another two years is too damn depressing because I believe that change will not come because Japanese culture and society has yet to change in many ways that I believe are basic human needs.  It feels like a marriage that I am trying to make work even though I know that it already isn’t. I truly believe I could make Japan work better from afar than from within. Maybe this is wishful thinking because I can’t seem to make it work from within. Some relationships just cannot work no matter what.  This is what we have to learn to accept and release. I found, just like with my last lover that it was easy to leave something that wasn’t working. He actually abandoned me, stuffed all my CDs (that he had wonderfully uploaded and ripped to digital for me) in my mailbox and left a long winded 6” goodbye message via messenger but I was still able to go on with my weekend without any tears which is an enormous sign of growth I think.  AVOIDANT DETACHERS ARE GOING TO DETACH SOON REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU LOVE, HOW YOU FUCK, WHAT YOU SAY OR DON’T SAY.  This is the lesson.  It doesn’t have to do with me and there is nothing I can do to stop it.   I learned this JUST LAST YEAR.  I used to meet a guy at Burningman well into my thirties, spend the night with him and be devastated because he didn’t want to continue hanging out with me in love for the week or even pursue a relationship after the playa.  It is possible.  The Special Detacher ex found the love of his life as his rideshare passenger for Burningman, so don’t say it’s not possible.  It literally took me years to let go when others wanted to let go.  Not saying that I have this skill perfected at all, but in understanding that a pattern in humanity exists, not just a pattern in my own faulty design or inabilities,  I have noticed a new dawn.


Addicted to Poverty

Things are definitely better this week.  I paid my rent and I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is going to come from.  My addiction to poverty had reached an all time low last week. I received my usual second paycheck direct deposit from the company that usually gives me enough teaching work to pay my rent submitted an amount that was a pitiful half of what was required to pay my rent for the due date that week.  I was out of positive affirmations and miracles. I was out of ideas. I was going to interviews at least once a week in a Japanese business suit with my best foot forward and excelling in two languages, using previous work experience to answer expert questions and yet, somehow only had 200 yen to buy a canned convenience store cocktail to celebrate after exerting all that pressure and energy to succeed in the real world.  I’d been here before in Los Angeles. Wifi had been cut off and I was placing escort ads and writing and trying to do art work at Denny’s, collecting EBT, seeing clients I was not proud to see and wishing that I could just die somehow trying to live. Almost a decade later, working as a teacher/writer/lecturer in Tokyo my outlook was not so grim but yet, I was in such a similar position financially somehow. I couldn’t understand if I had progressed or somehow just made a big 12 year circle.  I couldn’t ask my mom for money, she had already given me money when I first came back to Japan. I had already endured the shame of having one’s rent paid by their mother at the age of 41. The next lower step was to ask the sister who had money who, no matter what I ever did in life, since we were kids despised me and wished I was never born. “Hey, uh, I don’t know who else to ask, but, do you think you could spare $1000? I know that mailing my mail to Japan is enough strain on you already and you complain that I have to use your address to receive a little mail but maybe if you had some cash to pay my rent that might, uh, make our lifetime of strained and dysfunctional relating better right?”  Or maybe I’d have to ask both sisters to split my bill. They’d really love that one as I’m always portrayed as the loser with her hand out, as if asking my retired mother wasn’t enough last year. I was walking around like a zombie but still needing to teach my classes and students that day, trying to figure out what my next move was. A friend from the hafu Japanese club on Facebook, whom I’d never met offered to buy me a carafe of wine in the middle of the day at a Denny’s like diner equivalent in Japan. It was a wonderful gesture and it helped to bring a smile to my face because despite the fact that my income didn’t match my potential or my efforts, I really did feel like everything was just fine.  I had just been able to be so busy that it felt hectic like a bee, speed walking through Tokyo and eating on the train to get to the next student and then suddenly, I lost 3 twice weekly students with no immediate replacement. My attempt to make money in Australia, FAILED. My Tantra business was not proving to be immediately fruitful and since Australia, I was already opening myself to sex work again except that even THAT wasn’t working. It didn’t work in Australia, hostess bars in Japan were telling me I was too old or impossible and people just weren’t giving me the time of day. I was drinking a lot of wine but it wasn’t really helping. Wine is not weed after all and weed is something I need to get through dilemmas like this.  I discovered I wasn’t really addicted to marijuana, but what I seemed to be addicted to was poverty. “Come back to LA.” a Facebook friend said, “we miss you here.” I told her,”It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am wearing, poverty follows me like a shadow.” It’s something I need to excavate within it seems or it will be part of me forever.




And then…miraculously, similar to last year in the Philippines when I also had no money my friends came through with donations.  More than they did when I was visa jumping from Tokyo to Cebu to START my great Japan adventure. This was a two years after that time, so much and so little had changed.  One of my same friends came through with a good chunk just like last time to make sure I wasn’t homeless soon, but a lot of new people came through that had never donated before.  I was so grateful, humbled and touched. I made ONE video. Not even a formal crowd fundraiser at all. There were people that I had met in Japan and were friends with, some not even great friends with that contributed to my rent and living expenses fundraiser.  I made enough to get out of the red hot lava and swim to shore. The speed at which this all happened was phenomenal. “You got money.” emails from Paypal are always great, but especially in these times much much better. 

I don’t want to write about it much anymore because although I am grateful but, still ashamed. It’s terrible really and I’m glad that for the time being I can move on and I found that beyond this blog, I don’t really want to revisit it at all in my head or conversation.  


Omegas, Betas and Herbivores: problems of dating Japanese Men

This series was called “The Flower and Water” because I used to feel like a flower, sexual energetically speaking. In the previous chapter of my life (in America) I was the receiver of masculine energy: bees, birds, butterflies: praise, flirtation, smiling, greeting, small talk, dating, hitting on etc. I considered MEN to be my unofficial specialty having worked with them as clients for over 17 years.

In Japan, my current research in progress, taken largely from on the street interviews (youtube documentaries like Asian Boss), SNS websites with lots of useless idiotic banter (reddit and GaijinPot Forums) as well as editorial news sources.  It tells me that “61% of men in their 20’s and 70% of men in their 30’s in Japan are Beta males (known as herbivore men in Japan which is a slightly different take on the Alpha/Beta model) and that women over 25 are seen as useless because they cannot produce children or be useful housewives.  Aside from join them in the workforce, these women, are relegated to be used for sex or nothing at all for the men. In this society, however, sex is a distraction and takes no more priority over a man’s own family than the food that he eats (which because of his work schedule, sometimes he doesn’t eat much).  A lot of men in Japan can’t be bothered to spend their free time dating and would rather do things alone of more worth to them, such as play video games or rest from work.

In Japanese culture, upholding the group/company/nation is far more important than the individual’s needs, especially since the rebuilding period after the WW2.  The social group that one is a part of in Japan, is most often comprised of their co-workers who have to participate in obligatory drinking parties after an already long day at the office.   Sex and time with family are seen as individual needs that have been effectively socialized out of most men after the war created the rise of the workaholic ‘salary man’ as a replacement for the ruthless Imperial Army soldier.  This is the reason why, for the most part, I am invisible in Japan, and why many foreign women do not have much luck (but Alpha cis men often do) in Japan. I have never seen myself as an Alpha female, but in a country of Betas and herbivores who don’t care to look up at a beautiful woman because they are too busy eating grass, I realize how much I am.  

I might be proactive and confident, but I DO NOT want to do all the approaching and asking of men.  The Asian Boss episode also explains how typical this is in Japanese society I am honest, straightforward, affectionate in public and loyal. I am brimming with Tantric sexual energy (not DTF/One night stand/Nanpa kind of energy). Still, I remain a divine feminine flower blooming tall amongst a field of worker ants, the masculine mountains and the rising sun pollinates me because I can’t fit into the skinny jeans of most of the men here.  It all started with a few okcupid men and I exchanging messages about the situation of men in Japan. “You seem like an Alpha female type.” the guy said. I thought that an Alpha was a leader of a pride of lions, but humans actually don’t have the same clear cut and proven propensity to group like wild animals. Even the term “alpha male” has a bad rap in American culture. It seems to have the reputation of a egoistic guy who needs to be loud and take control of the room in a overt way in order to prove something.  Cultures, governments, racism, gender identity, war, drugs, dysfunctional families and so many other complex social factors that animals are not affected by create our social groupings and the way we pair bond. My experience in Japan as a participant observer leads me to really agree with the idea of the Beta male as a better explanation to “They’re all shy.” I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that and rolled my eyes. It strikes me as ridiculous each time a Japanese woman tells me this, so I’ve been searching for my own answers to the explanation of the lack of male attention that I get in Japan, because it seemed far to general and unintelligent of an explanation.   Although I’ve heard the herbivore theory before, in combination with the beta male theories, both popular culture science theories that seem to hold some truth, I am starting to not discount them as ridiculous. Herbivore, Betas and blood type personalities may not be “real science” that everyone believes, but it does hold truth for a lot of people in the culture and we can take historical facts (blood type theory), personal observation and environment into account and use them all to make our own deductions. Because, “They’re all shy” certainly isn’t offering me a better, more scientifically researched hypothesis by any means.


What Happened in Australia


Here’s me looking hella dykey.  It was a windy wintery day by the Opera House.  I came out in Sydney as a lesbian in 1997, then very soon after knew I was bisexual not gay.

So Australia did NOT work out at all as planned.  It’s the first time that my intuition led me so far astray.  Sure, it was a sudden decision to go but every single part of me was a HELL YES, so I pulled out all the stops to make this trip happen.  It ended up putting me further in debt when all I was trying to do was make my situation better by doing what I knew best to do when I needed to make money.  I spent money that I didn’t have to try to put myself in a position where I could do some sex work or Tantra sessions. I got to experience Sydney again so nothing about this trip was bad except that I was totally off base in letting my gut decide what my fate was going to be.  It was a great culture shock to be in Sydney again after being in Japan, the land of my youthful college art school days.  Being in any English speaking country after living in Japan everyday is always a shock to my bilingual brain.  I am used to having to think in 2 languages everyday so switching to 1 is a shock to the system!  Everything that I remembered was the same but evolved and gentrified. 21 years later is a long time and I definitely could not make my way around without a Google search. I left Japan to see if I could still get the attention of men.  The kinds of men that I was attracting on okcupid were Asiaphiles. One of the fuckboys that contacted me was sort of a godsend at first, as I was out of money already because I needed to make money in my first 2 nights in town to have for the rest of the week. That’s the old sex worker plan and yeah, it’s risky but it usually works. He ended up being a total asshole.  He was trying to lure me into his Asian girl harem but he wasn’t prepared for American Japanese me who wasn’t so impressed with his superficial gestures. He gave me housing for free when I really needed it, but he ended up kicking me out with my gigantic backpack on the street without even giving me money to get to the train station without me making a big deal about it.  I was living off of credit card so even taking the bus to the station was almost impossible with my 30 kg bag. He was poorly perhaps trying to set up some threesome situations but he was a terrible facilitator. I’m not even sure what he wanted, but whatever it was, I clearly did not do it for him. He wanted to be liked instantly for doing nothing. I’m not good at that. Japanese men kind of want that too.  Courtship seems to be dead to these guys, i’m not sure if it is because they never were taught its importance or they don’t care. I was chatting with one guy from okcupid who was openly looking for hookup sex but told me,”I’m not here to impress anyone.” well, you NEED TO BE to some degree, I’m sorry, this is a mating ritual. That’s how it goes for men AND women. In order to get to the point where you no longer have to impress someone, you have to be in a relationship with them FIRST.   And even in relationships, courtship rituals should continue to keep the connection feisty and hot. My next stop for housing was at a Facebook friends home in another area of Sydney that I lived in when I was in college. Memory Lane. These friends were actually the couple in this blog post earlier that I knew were trying to fuck me. Or, at least the husband was being pretty obvious about it. They were polyamorous and swingers and that kind of energy actually kind of intimidates me unless I’m in a safe space like a play party.  I haven’t done spontaneous threesomes with a couple since I was in my 20s. It turned out that the husband was out of town and the woman was nothing but super kind and there was NO THREESOME PRESSURE whatsoever! Woohoo. AND SHE HAD A BAG OF HOUSEWEED that she offered me! Oh my heaven. I was supplied with safe housing AND medicine. That’s really all I could even ask for. The last guy actually left my bags below the stairs with 5 dollars in the pocket. He treated me like garbage in the end. It was fucked up and I was really in need of a bowl of marijuana to mellow out after that.  She didn’t even smoke herself, she just had house weed. Amazing. I spent the next 2.5 days just touring around the local spots of Sydney and enjoying being high 3 days in row. I didn’t really need much money to do what I was doing just transportation and food money. I had small talk banter with cashiers and local people and that just refilled my soul from the empty mechanical robots that live and work beside you in Tokyo everyday never talking to you. What I was missing is NOT America, what I am missing are these elements of culture that Australia also has, and Japan does not. So, in the end, it was a totally great trip.  


Operation Upward Mobility Down Under

DSC_0024I don’t gamble at tables, I only gamble on myself.  Something in my heart told me to go for this. Again, i took a big risk with no one’s advice.  I just read a posting on a FB group from a woman who made a lot of money here and I just felt like I needed to go and try to do that.  My attempts to do sex work in Tokyo had failed. Around my birthday, I interviewed at a strip club and at an dating agency. Both interviews were entirely in Japanese and both people never called me back.  One month later, I’m reading my Facebook notices and this woman’s report about Sydney (she worked non stop 12 hours and it was great for her) working pops up and I couldn’t get it off my brain all day. I looked at airline tickets from Tokyo and one was only $600 with a twelve hour stopover in Fiji.  This sounded like a great adventure that I really needed to take. Something told me that it would be foolish to not to do it, as there was so much YES inside of me, so much desire to just knock away any doubts or scheduling conflicts with my classes and students in Japan.  If teaching English full time in Tokyo’s working hustle bustle was supposed to be a steady income, it really wasn’t. Getting paid $2500/month and being exhausted as shit doing so was never going to get me the things that I needed in the next year. I had not had a computer for nearly a year since my last near new Mac book Pro got stolen in LA last year.  My passport and laptop were stolen and I was again in the same feeling of broke down broke-ness except in LA, I had a sponsor who helped make sure that I didn’t starve while I was working out my situation. I borrowed money to go to Seattle where the promise of working at someone’s apartment where I could also stay for free was offered by another sex worker. It worked out fabulously.  I had enough money to get a replacement rush order passport and a one way ticket back home to Tokyo. It’s been a year since I’ve had a computer that could process digital images and video, my you tube channel has since ceased and other creative projects that I had had to be put on hold until I could settle back into some income in Japan. This settling into teaching with regularity at schools and with private students took months to get to a living wage.  In the meantime, the Backpage founder was arrested, pleaded guilty and the entire website was shut down. Things were going to change for sex workers all over the world. My clients in Japan were few and far between but they were high paid and high quality. In fact, my Tantra business was doing better than it had EVER done in LA in the first year that I landed in Japan. And then since my laptop was stolen it seems like things have been consistently hard. But this is supposed to be a steady real job.  In Seattle I was doing massage and Tantra clients, still in my identity and doing what I love, sharing energy with seekers. I was living off of a menial teaching income and it even took several months for it to even reach the $2500 per month mark that it is even at now. I’ve consistently tried differently things locally, like interviewing at various places mentioned above and working on my Tantra Tokyo Love website and Facebook page to try to attract local clients on my own. I just got fed up with not having a computer and just not havig enough one day and decided that I would try again to hustle.  So now I am in my Sydney, Australia hotel room that I booked for the purposes of seeing clients, but 2nd night into it there are no clients emailing or calling at all and I get the familiar feeling of financial ruin and loss of investment, and even worse the scariness of not being able to eat or be housed while away from home. Last night, I called two massage houses looking for work. One of the women had her standard talk where she coaxes the new workers in with promises of loads of cash, food, alcohol and then when I started to tell her the details like…I’m 42. Size 10. Asian.  American. (Sorry, love you’re not suitable). And that was it. I asked her why but she didn’t really say much except, I know what my clients want. I am on a tourist visa so it is really up to who wants to take a risk on me, but it still makes me feel old, fat, ugly and washed up. This familiar broke ho feeling. I did it to myself again. Chasing the empowerment. But what was I supposed to do? My regular job was barely paying the bills and I need to move apartments in January and I don’t have a way to do that right now. Mostly I want to get into doing my art again. Making music, editing videos and editing photos are actually my livelihood NOT TEACHING ENGLISH.   If you’d like to donate to this effort where I fundraise for a new used computer and actually get a computer to do your premiums, I’m giving away a finished piece of music and/or artwork. Donations by paypal to kanonsama2016@gmail.com


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