Japan is kicking my ass and I need to get programmed to fight the funk like a samurai warrior.  I’ve been listening to all my youtube coaching gurus so that I can get my mind in the right state to conquer like I did once before.  I had an interview today and the director asked me “How do you like Japan?” “It’s difficult.” I said. I’m not going to lie and be a pretend to be content IMG_5527Japanese.  I’m not Japanese. Fuck the bullshit. I’ll never be Japanese. They’ve told me this over and over again in so many ways. You have to actually check a box that says “non-Japanese” when you want to participate in things.  They recruit you with the words “non Japanese” and I know what they mean when they ask.  I’m half Japanese, but I’m not real Japanese.  They say it’s about your passport, but there are white people with Japanese passports and they’re not real Japanese either.  They say it’s about your bloodline, but my mom is Japanese and that’s not good enough either.   It’s about how you look and how you act.  And mostly its about who is looking.  Always about who is looking and what they think.   What a wicked curse that all my life I wanted to be more Japanese. All my life, I dreamed of living in Japan and now I live in Japan and…it feels like I enlisted in the military and went back to high school and graduate school all over again emotionally.  Everything that I thought I was is being torn down and stripped away and I am being tested yet again. Just like the military, you are conditioned to believe YOU. AIN’T. SHIT.  No one is special here.  There is no goddess. You are part of the whole.  The whole is #1, if you choose to believe it.   I’m interviewing this week because the job that I had which paid the base of my rent laid me off.  This job that put me through hell and took me through the same agony as when I was a first year teacher in South Central crying over lesson plans closed its program on the campuses that I worked at.  But I am grateful actually. I learned a new system of teaching kids in Japan and its worth more than my Master’s Degree. I went from hopeless and frustrated about how to implement this system with no training to being able to plan 4 classes on my commute on the train with my smart phone while standing up.  The change from hopeless to mastery happened much faster than my first year of teaching. I did it without adequate mentorship and I did it without medical marijuana everyday like I did first year teaching. Japan is so much like high school for me as well. I didn’t thrive in high school, I graduated as soon as I could.  I knew by year 3 that it wasn’t working for me, so I worked to figure out the requirements to get out earlier than my senior year. Japan, like high school is a rigid social system that doesn’t hold space for not fitting in the mold. Even if you don’t fit the mold, you have to fit the mold of people who don’t fit the mold.  They sit together in the cafeteria or smoke pot together in the parking lot. Japan, like high school doesn’t know what to do with someone like me, so it ignores me.  I walk through the Shibuya crowds unnoticed.  I talk to no one for hours unless I am teaching them, I go out to clubs and the only time I have a laugh with a friendly person is when I am texting someone from the U.S on Facebook.  If a stranger talks to me, it is to ask me if I am waiting for the bathroom. This was a lot like high school for me. I was a loner. I went home after I played volleyball, I sang in front of the school, i did well academically, I wore cute clothes but I didn’t have many real friends.  Never had a high school boyfriend. Guys made out with me for fun but they never dated me. I have never been to a high school reunion because I don’t care about any of those people and vice versa. I”m not even remotely curious about people from this period of my life. It feels like this one episode I saw of The Twilight Zone where the outcast was ignored because he had some V on his forehead.  What I have grown to believe were universal human needs are not the same in Japan. Apparently they do not need to communicate like I do, they don’t need to touch, they don’t need weed or small talk with strangers. I’m happy when I am teaching English because that’s when it is okay to be me a little bit. I have a humorous presentation in English. People chat and laugh with me, it feels..”normal” for  a few hours. But after that (bell rings) the V goes back on my forehead and I am back into the masses. The drudge of the black suited workers that line up on the escalator, wait for the bus, silent on the train with masks over their face, never looking at each other. Never even showing empathy with their eyes that we are smashed against each other and that my asthmatic lungs are getting crushed just to get to work.  Its humbling me for sure, but I fear that it is killing my soul. I fear that it is taking everything that was once sacred and beautiful out of me and turning it into their darkness. I have a great smile. It is bright and energetic and I love using it. But, in Tokyo I don’t get to smile so much. And if I do, it’s is ignored or instructed to be put away.

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”  Jim Carrey.


thegoddess is dead in Japan

When I say thegoddess is dead in Japan, I don’t mean that Japanese are not spiritual people.  Many of them are, many of them aren’t, just like many countries.  There is definitely a pervasive form of spirituality that Japan has in its landscape that Christian influenced countries do not have.  When I say thegoddess is dead, I mean the idea of a divine form embodying a human one, is non existent.  Women have no pull and no power here.  The mother cannot ask for recognition for bearing and raising kids anymore than the salary man can ask for recognition for supporting the family.  This is what you are supposed to do.  Don’t you dare ask for credit for what you are supposed to do.  If a woman dressed unique, sexy or something beautiful, not a single man will turn his head.  They will look from the reflection of the glass  in their phones or out of the corner of their eyes, but they will never say a thing. Silence is a cultural norm here, even when 6 people standing on a train almost fall on top of each other.  (This really happened the other day and me out of 6 was the only person who uttered any sounds)  One of my friends called Japanese men “soft” but I think “soft” sounds fluffy and nice and cute, like a cloud.  The majority of Japanese men that I see are spineless and oblivious, like earthworms.  Earthworms are not shy they’re spineless.  and they don’t like light either.  Shy is not the word for them.  So suspend me to the ceiling and spin me around a few times, parade me like rotisserie flesh for the horny eyes of the men in the room.  They are looking now but I don’t care.  All I wanted was for someone to buy me a drink, hold open a door, offer to carry a bag, compliment my outfit or my smile…

YOU be the radiant light and those that can see it will be attracted to it!!  It doesn’t work here in Japan.   Don’t give me your fucking bumper sticker quotes that apply to your life in a non Asian or non Muslim or some other country without similar restrictions.  Save your privilege for your Instagram quotes.   

I want to hear you tell me to “just love myself” as much as I want to hear some blissed out foolio tourist high on Enjoy Japan talk about his recent trip to Tokyo (Japan is sooo clean and organized!  I love it!)  randomly messaging me as some form of flirtation. Screenshot_2018-03-03-17-49-00 The only beings that are attracted to my light are moths.  Drunken moths are one step higher than earthworms as at least they take action even if it kills them.  After I was taken down from the suspension, I went to the bathroom.  I was met there by 2 Japanese men.  I decided to see what the 3 men at the bar could possibly do for me, so I asked one of the guys to get the German man who was speaking to me at the bar.  I hadn’t had sex with 3 guys before, and usually at random times my experimental daring gets the best of me, and since i was just suspended from the ceiling I was high on endorphins and adventure.  I am usually interested in exploring that I have never had before once, just for the sake of it.  It is the new thrill that I like, the sex just comes with it sometimes.  I called the German guy down to the sex room, not because I wanted anything more than a new experience in life.  And definitely after about 20 minutes of my vagina being sucked by an octopus and pussy smashed with inflatable toy hammers at an arcade silently by three guys,  I went back upstairs with a What the hell was that shit? feeling.  It was like blowing three mannequins in a department store elevator (sounds exciting?  Its actually not).  Shaking my head at the huuuuge gap of reality between the porn I masturbate to and the reality I have experienced.   After the two Japanese men ejaculated they disappeared without saying a word, leaving me and the German guy alone to speak in English.  Sex with him was terrible as well.  He wasn’t even aware his dick wasn’t inside of me most of the time and he was moaning to appease my need for “some sound” but I could tell it was fake because he was missing his target completely and oblivious to it.   It was not even my imagination, I really felt nothing from all three of them.  The whole event was one of the worst sexual experiences I’ve ever had inclusive of all of the prostitution I have ever done to date and that, is some seriously, bad sex.  I could never have bad sex as a sex worker as long as I got paid and it wasn’t an assault, because my job was to make money, orgasms were icing on the cake.  This recent night was the equivalent to donating my body to being poked by preteen virgins in a sex lab for free so i felt really unamused after it was over.  Disgusted with the Japanese guys who went quickly up to the bar without even a word and who did not even acknowledge me again at all after that.  I forced myself in their faces, “That was rude.” i said.  “No, no, that was our Ometenashi” the one guy that I actually was attracted to out of the 3 said to me.  Ometanashi my ass.  I said shaking my head.  ( You call that Japanese hospitality, do you?  I call it rude and fucking ridiculous).   This is the symbolic meaning of being tied and suspended in Kinbaku for me.  A performance piece is being written with my life experiences, right alongside this blog.  Butoh is another thing I got to experience living in Japan, like Kinbaku rope play, and the uneventful sexual experiment that followed, I had to come to Japan to have access.

The German guy stayed with me and talked with me, bought me a drink, walked me to the train station in the morning and was aching to continue our “adventure” but it was no longer an adventure but a sex tragedy of epic proportions that I’d soon forget quicker if he wasn’t actually trying to walk me to the train station and attempt to stay in touch.  But wasn’t this the chivalry you said you wanted goddess? He tried to hold my hand and I pulled it away.  You can’t move from terrible sex to holding hands in one hour.  I was not interested in dating him.  Take him on as long term coaching client, yes.  Date him, no.   If he reads this and his ego can handle it, then he’ll consider some serious sexual awareness lessons.  My boyfriends and lovers need to be of a certain sexual standard that my clients often are not.   I can be compassionate in the professional container.  Empathy and recovery from unbelievably terrible sex only comes after love and relationship are established and it can’t happen the other way around, even for a Tantrika because I am MOSTLY human.   thegoddess light was needed to love me, myself and I only and deeply to recover from that clown show (and yes, I DO LOVE MYSELF very very much, Thank you bumper stickers for the reminder).   I had gone in, in, inward and was not feeling namaste or like seeing the god in anyone but myself.  At that point, 5:30am Shinjuku train station cold and hungry, waiting for the first train of the day,  I just wanted to be in my bed alone.   I am thankful that the German guy wasn’t Japanese because then I can’t blame the whole incident entirely on Japanese dicks.  Regardless, it still gets chalked up as an interesting sex experience I could only have in Japan.  And still gets counted as the worst sex I’ve had in 41 years.  


Suspended p1

tumblr_musx1vL9gE1qiz6eho1_500So last night, I experienced my first suspension bondage and it felt great. It was an extremely Tantric sexual energy experience. My meditation skills extremely useful, breathing in and out, releasing boundaries by being bonded, giving total trust in a safe container, endurance of any discomfort which leads to peace and flow, the feeling of weightlessness in your body and mind.  Your nose is not really itchy.  Relax.  It too will pass.   It was something like a symbolic ritual for how I feel about living in Japan. Great admiration to those who can hold this for hours or do other sexual activities during this…the Tantric part of it is that it is enough in itself. There is a distinct RISE, CLIMAX and release. Every moment is beautiful as it is. Moment to moment breathing and loving.  When you look at this photo, do you imagine how she actually feels?  Can you imagine what sensations she feels?  Everyone in the bar has their eyes on me, but I am not doing it for them.  I came to Japan to experience underground culture at its finest and all its grotesque realities.  I’ve come to a place as a goddess to an island that was just opened to outside contact not more than 165 years ago.   They cling to this  history as their reason for late adoption of certain morality.  The general age of consent is 13, however the corruption of minors laws make having sex with or marrying someone under 18 in certain areas like Tokyo illegal.  The known age of adulthood  in Japan is legally 20 for alcohol and social ceremonial recognition.  This contradiction could explain why there are legal cafes where high school girls can chat with older men with exemption and why high school girls uniforms and white panties are portrayed en masse in the anime of Japan.  I often feel like Andrea Dworkin over here watching their pixelated rape culture norm porn flicks with a scowl.  Anime and AV (Porn) are not the norm and these cafes aren’t exactly bold and open about their offerings, it is still the underbelly of sex culture, and every culture porn and media undoubtedly reflects aspects of reality.  They do usually have a high school girl outside waving to passerbys, and inside, it is not more than a what you see is what you get deal, not a “girlfriend experience” euphemism, to my knowledge but I’m sure there are exceptions.   If I watch anime on Japanese Netflix I find it hard to watch the sexualization of high school girls who are portrayed in a way that is completely opposite of the reality of what I see everyday around me in Japan.  They are portrayed with 38DD silicone like breasts popping out of their shirts and super short skirts revealing their panties with every movement.  Again, the norm of anime is not reality.  Japan’s repressed sexuality is what pervades the trains and streets.   American sexuality and contradiction will quicker reveal some actual teens all Miley Cyrus’ed out in shopping malls across America, fraught with its own repression and fantasy about adolescence, but mainstream TV and billboards could not be splashing Barely legal cartoons everywhere without protest these days.   The anime fantasy of Japan’s perverted mind looks NOTHING like what I’ve observed with any high school uniform wearing youth.  You might see a clip on hair extension or two, exposed kneecaps and calves in the dead of winter, but the girls uniform skirts are too long to reveal white panties, and most of the students aren’t even allowed to dye their hair let alone alter their uniform to have any sense of deviance, and some uniforms have built in navy outer pants to cover their underpants.   

What does this have to do with me, the 41 year old goddess of Japanese descent?  I feel like thegoddess is DEAD in Japan.  Women are no more special than men here, in fact they are less than men in all areas and not lauded for the more than half of the sky that they do hold up.  Japan was born from the SUN goddess and then Taoism and Buddhism changed religion and spirituality in Japan into a male dominated arena.  Today, the state of women and girls in Japan is ranked one of the lowest of first world nations, the majority of women quit working to raise children between the age of 25-30 while male partners support the family often working 6 days a week with unpaid overtime.  Male dominated media will take advantage of the culture’s built in silence and shame to create an environment that intimidates resistance.  Gas lighting, shame, pitting groups against one another to avoid real issues are typical.  The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.  A Black-American friend also living in Japan joked that for a woman to come to Japan to find a partner would be like him trying to go to South Africa during apartheid.  “Why do women even come here?” he laughed.   Because it’s just like the U.S.A, people of color visit and think its not going to be so bad; racism and bigotry not apparent while on vacation….



Why don’t you just go back to America?

27545397_10100724331346657_2807881275576558963_nCertainly I am a miracle manifestor.  I just looked at my accounting for the year I decided to move countries to Japan.  This was the year that I crashed my car, fixed it back up and then a couple of months later the transmission died finally rendering it good for only parts and metal for $1000.  Upon receiving that $1000 I used that money to buy a ticket to Seattle, Alaska and Tokyo.  ONE WAY.  No turning back.  I didn’t have a car in Los Angeles for 6 months before I moved to Japan.  I worked on bicycle as a delivery person and ran my Tantra business.  Nothing was going to stop me after buying a plane ticket that I wasn’t going to waste.  I not only manifested miraculous money when I first arrived in the country, I was able to keep this streak going with just a few amazing well paying clients from both Japan and the U.S.  When I am adding up the numbers last night I am actually shaking my head wondering how the fuck I even got to where I am now.  One month, I had two clients paying $2000 and I lived off of that for two months inclusive of traveling all over Japan to places that I had never seen and places I can’t even afford to get to today.  Today I am working my ass off as a contract teacher for several different schools.  I spend hours on trains roundtripping from my home to far off classrooms in shopping malls and community colleges.  It feels like full time but its not.  It feels like I cannot work any harder, but to the Japanese worker, this is nothing.  Anything less than 60 hours in one office is not respectable.  I can’t pay my rent this month.  Some guy is going to knock on my door, but I probably won’t be at home because I’ll be at work.  I am currently waiting for just ONE Tantra client which is what I need to live alone in Tokyo in this small apartment that I manifested as a result of doing what I love, living in my purpose and life coaching.  When I got this apartment, I set my standards at a certain point.  No more sharehousing and shitty roommates.   I can have the lifestyle I want here.  In fact, my rent is cheaper in Tokyo than it was in rent controlled LA.   But the months since returning back to Tokyo in October have not been so good for my Tantra business.  I have found a way to post ads on craigslist that don’t get flagged.  I tried to post on the local hobbyist board but got hated on by all the providers and hobbyists there because I’m not doing what they are doing.  I am getting some emails from craigslist, which is another miracle because since CL stopped posting erotic service ads over ten years ago, it is impossible to post anything that sounds like it could be prostitution, although if you go to the casual encounters section most of the ads there are workers.  This is what backpage in America has moved into, using the personals as their sex work classifieds since bp.com’s ads also got shut down.  And I finally fucking figured out how to use bitcoin to pay for my ads and bitcoin also crashed so now backpage is no longer even accepting btc.  My miraculous 2016 turned into a 2017 year of uphill acclimating to the Japanese way, culture, language, laws and loneliness that after a while is no longer called that, it is just called normal.  Loneliness implies that you are wanting or longing for something, and at this juncture, I wish it would get better, but I am not crying out for it to get better.  I remember nights before I met my ex boyfriend in 2015 when I would be crying about being lonely and wanting a boyfriend.  And then for the next six months he came into my life and turned it upside down.  “You can do better.” I/they said.  “There are so many people who will treat you better.”  Ha, even he said it to my face in the first three months of our relationship.  Pretty much from month 2 he was already planning for our break up but holding me in his dysfunctional web just to torture me until he could find someone better.  So now, it has been three years since that time, and I am still single.  Where is that “better someone?” I wonder.  But I don’t wonder too long because I just try not to think negative thoughts and plague myself.  Instead I float into my night slumber saying the words,”I love you.  Thank you so much for coming into my life.  I’m so grateful for you.”  and I have great dreams usually.  I have been coached to do so many things to manifest the things that I have.  When things are not going your way, it is so easy to think all these sayings are just cognitive dissonance to cope with the fact that maybe you actually won’t get everything you want in life.  Tony Robbins says, you always get your standards.  Raise your standards.  I did.  I broke up with the ex.  I moved into this apartment.  These were great decisions of my life that I still don’t reget.  It took 10 months to heal from that but I learned so much about myself and what I don’t want.  But it seems like dating since then has just been an activity for temporary, somewhat satisfying companionship.  At 41, I no longer seek to “get laid,” especially as a Tantrika because having a spiritual and soulful connection is the only thing that opens my heart and legs at the same time.  It feels like the last 25 people that I have talked to or who have tried to woo me, I have not been attracted to.  There has been nothing, not even a spark, just a decision to not settle.  I don’t want to work on a relationship that I go in not liking.  Why don’t you just go back to America?  Some people have said to me.  I not only view that as quitting but its actually not practical for me.  I gave away all my belongings to move countries.  I gave up my apartment, my 11 year accumulation of super cool stuff, all my art work and equipment; my former life style.  And, if I left Japan now, I still would not be fluent in the language, nor would I really know the culture well enough because I’m limited by not speaking the language, and Japan takes just one year living in and also an entire lifetime to really understand.  I speak Japanese better than I ever have in my life.  I’ve gotten my mother to email me in Japanese, I’ve talked to my relatives that I wasn’t in contact with for 28 years.  I talk to them in Japanese.  I decided that i LOVE both America and Japan.  Because LOVE is complex, love doesn’t give you what you want, you work to sustain and understand it constantly.  It shouldn’t feel like work, it should feel like a flow.  Neither country is without its flaws and aggravating qualities.  I could learn Japanese elsewhere, but I know me, I won’t study if I don’t have to.  Living in Japan, I’m constantly motivated by my humiliation of confusion.  The societal exclusion of half passing, half speaking plagues me everyday.  I try to fit in but at the same don’t care to fit in to their stupid reindeer games, but I want to fit in well enough to have the option to play them.  I won’t leave until I do.



Barney LOVE , Free LOVE, Free Sex..YES, and!

shiva-shakti-gold-front-green-ss-ss4I was recently featured in a VICE mag piece about the ex Barney dinosaur who is now a Tantrika…https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/…ns-a-tantric-sex-business?utm_source=vicefbus 

As a PS comment to this article published, the things that I mainly have a problem with is not that Barney has sex with clients, but that he does it without a condom and claims that it is for authentic Tantric energy purposes,which is not true. Also, even though I say that having sex with clients is an anomaly, it DOES happen for me in sessions where I feel totally connected with the God in front of me and we are exchanging genuine loving bliss, so intercourse, or anything often happens (within my own personal boundaries, which raw sex isn’t).   I didn’t read that Joyner made a distinction between the AGAPE LOVE energy exchanged when playing Barney with children and the EROS LOVE energy when in Tantra sessions, and because he never mentioned it, either it was edited out or it wasn’t an emphasis for him.  And if it wasn’t an emphasis then this would be suspect for me because we need to make a distinction between eros/physical adult energy with lovers and children.  I work with children as an English teacher teaching phonics and I work with the inner children of adults as a Tantra teacher, the energy changes once I put my hands on my clients body.  

I spent 7 years as an escort before I moved into Tantra. The difference for me in the organic versus the transactional is that escorts often do things because “it is part of the job” or “it is expected” or “for good reviews” NOT because they feel totally in love with you or flowing in union. This is not to say that escorts don’t have fun or love the sex for sex not just for money, but since I’ve done both, I can definitely speak on the fact that it is different. I do believe that David Joyner (former Barney) is both enjoying the sex and being spiritual with his clients, and I ALSO like to have these 2 things in my sessions.

I wrote the above in a Tokyo hobbyist board and quickly an escort got her g string up her neck and wrote this:

Don’t know much about Tantra, so I won’t be comparing the two, but I honestly believe that an escort’s feelings toward her work is usually more of a personal issue and has nothing to do with her clients most of time. If you’re an escort and you always have to force yourself to have sex with your clients, then there’s a high chance that you’re doing survival sex work and should try to solve the issue as soon as possible.

I’ve met and talked to escorts who’ve taken a break or have left the industry, and they never complained about the sex factor. It was either because of stigma, being outed by “friends” or family, a new job/career, or an insecure partner.

On the contrary, one of the biggest complaints I hear from escorts is that their vanilla partners (dates, friends with benefits, boyfriends, husbands) don’t treat them like their clients do, don’t eat them out like their clients do, or don’t fuck them like their clients do.. and I know that they don’t say it to look good in front of men because they are private SW-only accounts.

This last paragraph I just had to highlight because in all my years of activism and organizing sex workers from all over the world, I had never ever heard anything even close to what this woman just wrote!  But I just responded that it definitely depends on the provider.  “Here’s a good litmus test,”I told her,”Would you have sex with your clients for free? Most of the sex workers I know would never do such a thing, and a good amount of them don’t even have sex for free EVER.”  But it could just be me, and it could just be that I know a whole other universe of sex workers.  There are many universes after all!  Her paragraph seemed so out of the ball park from most of the guys that I have met as an escort and continue to meet as a Tantrika.  They come to us for guidance, not the other way around.  But again, I was on a Tokyo hobbyist board, one that I try to advertise on occasionally but never get any business on.  I don’t do well with this sector of men, and I didn’t even when I was an escort.  The escort accused me of whorearchy (whore hierarchy) and the men on the thread didn’t seem to understand organic sex versus transactional sex.  They couldn’t get their heads around this idea because a hobbyist is someone who has seen hundreds of prostitutes and had brag worthy sex with them FOR MONEY.  The idea of doing it any other way probably seems stupid, silly and a waste of time.  

Organic means that it grows naturally…like a flower in a garden. Transactional means I am paid to have sex. While I do not mean to offend any escorts by my words, I do know that most of the sex workers that I ever knew and do know would not have sex with their clients for free. I charge 50,000 yen for 2 hours of Tantra instruction which includes intimacy and body work and other spiritual/sexual practices. If I am feeling moved by the client in my body, mind and spirit then I will often go with the flow of my desire which varies from client to client. I am not paid for sex, I am paid to facilitate Tantra sessions which include bathing rituals, prostate/sacred spot massage, coaching on orgasm control, body rubs and coaching on how to have a fulfilling sex life. If we are flowing in a great session, I will have intercourse with you. I will kiss you. I will fall in love with you (within the container of the session). You will feel this love deeply and genuinely. Whatever sex acts that occur above and beyond the initial session are free, mutually beneficial. This feels better to most of my clients. I have no guarantees of DFK, BBJ or any menu items, it is strictly MMV and totally genuine, more like dating sex (no menu, no guarantees, no reviews). I know, it is the opposite of how hobbyists think in general but I’m able to get clients doing my Tantra coaching on a busy phone sex website next to providers doing all the nasty taboo things in their ads that I don’t do and I do what I do as I am doing now. With love, with trust and feeling of safety many things in sex and life are possible.  I always feel incredibly vulnerable posting my real thoughts in front of sex workers these days, since leaving sex work activism and the 5 years I’ve been a goddess, I’ve been through some interactions that have made me feel less than safe amongst current sex workers that I don’t know well.  But I know humans are humans beyond all of our identities and this is what Tantra has taught me…to dare to be authentically compassionate…to dare to drop the walls that seperate us….to dare to love….love oneself enough to be honest and work in a job where you set boundaries that can change over time.  You CAN be the sexual being who is paid or not that YOU are comfortable being without compromising.  There are men and women out there who are awaiting your touch and companionship and whatever else you offer.


Being Grace Fully

I have been Grace at 22 years old.  I think it was exactly 22 years old when my sexual assault avoidance came crashing down with yet another gross violation of my verbal and non verbal cues.  My whole life changed at 22, and I started to go to trauma therapy for all that happened before this time at 22 and I would continue to progress through 15 more years of more sexual violence and deal with it other ways that you may or may not agree with it.  Nothing is black and white.  And sometimes it isn’t enthusiastic yes or hell no.  Eventually for most people who have experienced sexual violence it does get there, but it takes a few worst nights of your life before that can happen.  Sometimes we do drugs during or after, violence, payback, slutty behavior, denial, acting out, prostitution or long careers of sex work and activism as a result.  And it can ALL BE CONFUSING to us and our perpetrators and the ears of society.  Nothing in a book or workshop can help you when your body and mind decides to do something to survive.   I took years of Krav Maga self defense and I was still sexually violated by one of my instructors in class. Healing ends when life ends is what one of my mentors taught me, I know well that age makes us better at it.  Grace had the worst date of her life, I’ve had dates exactly like that at 22 AND I’ve even had dates with 22 year olds at my age now who pouted and whined because they didn’t get to orgasm and continued to persist even after my verbal and non verbal cues were communicated.  But I didn’t do anything with him at 41 like I might have at 22. It took decades of trauma and healing to become this clear and this strong through “learning the hard way.” 

What I did learn over time, in my getting better at dealing with being assaulted was how to soothe myself through my wounds, how to take better self care, how to recognize trauma symptoms and not avoid them, how to not seek violent or monetary payback or sexual cumback, and mostly how to speak out better than the last time, each time I got better. 

That krav maga instructor knows he violated me, because I filed charges with the school (not the police, fuck the police) and all his managers were called into a meeting with me and he was forced to face and apologize to me.  I didn’t want to ruin his career but I did stop taking his classes, and I learned to take back power a different way, I continued training in the same school for 2 more years never seeing him again.  And still I’m not naming him on social media here because I didn’t and still don’t think it is necessary and it bars him from actual remediation of his behavior, which might happen to Ansari.   This has clearly happened as a backlash to Grace for  “(paraphrased) trying to ruin Ansari’s career and her voice may become weaker and not stronger as a result, but I doubt it.  Life begins not ends at 22.  Hell, it doesn’t even end at 40 like I previously thought.  


The tattoo of the magic wand with barbed wire is about the beginning of my sexual trauma awakening, painful and full of drama as being 22 is.  The magic wand symbolizes my inner light and magic and the barbed wire symbolizes the protection of its beauty and shine.  Barbed Wire also because at this time around 1999, Pamela Anderson’s Barb Wire was the hot movie and she the stripper protagonist was my role model who kicked ass and shot weapons in a PVC catsuit and seemingly never gave in to the desires of any of the men in the film.  Later on the arm I tattooed the goddess Kwan Yin, and the character for Agape LOVE, all of this is related to my hero’s journey and the pain that I have endured to get to peace that I feel now.

Mr. Ansari, in a statement responding to the account, said that “by all indications” the encounter was “completely consensual.”  

When I read this, I’m not triggered, I understand.  But I have decades of incidents over both of these people possibly because of I worked as a sex worker for 15 years.  I almost don’t want to use that as a qualifier because half of the sexual violence I experienced happened outside of sex work environments, but 15 years of sex work was the way that I learned how to come to grips with the world I lived in and the bed I made for myself (radical responsibility not blame).  I started to take radical responsibility for some of the situations I put myself in.  I had to because although I tried to make death and addiction an option, the Universe just wouldn’t let me go out so easy.  My first date rape at age 17 and almost all of the violations after that, I’d bet 5 million dollars that all of these men thought what we did was TOTALLY consensual.  The drunken 17 year I was did not consent to being led to a darkened empty beach in Hawaii and laid down on the sand, but my reaction at that time was to hop on top of the dick that non consensually penetrated me and try to take back the power that was just taken from me by maybe trying to “get an orgasm” because at least I would have gotten something, anything.   So, I know too well why Grace might have sucked his dick even if she felt violated, however, I wasn’t there so maybe she didn’t do what I did, we are all projecting into both of these or any of the characters.   But, if it was then this is a behavior I know well.   It grew to be the way that I would deal with healing from sexual violence for 15 years, like an addict chasing their first high, those of us (men, women and in between) that chase power (payback, fame, money) in the world realize that it is a slippery snake if not an illusive and deceptive one that is not even real.  It makes consent look unclear because of the illusion of seduction or enjoyment that you created out of desperation, immaturity, ignorance or insecurity.  

The conversation about sexual violence, rape, assault and ALL the words in between definitely needs to include abuse of power, social justice, dating protocol, conversations and nuances, it needs to include sex work, drugs, spiritual abuse and BDSM ethics, ALL THE 50 SHADES OF GRAY need to come out of the closet and not be judged.  (to be con’t)



Because you don’t like sex

I had met a cute Filipino American guy in a Tokyo club that I thought I got along with in conversation.  He seemed to have a white inferiority complex that he mentioned more than once, which is something that I know to be a familiar thing with some Filipinos, having grown up in a majority Filipino American community in the San Francisco Bay Area.   “He has better luck than me,”he said pointing to his white American friend,”but he doesn’t think so.”  I had tried to drop the hint that I’d go on dates with him, but two times that I saw him in a row he didn’t contact me after I gave him my contact information.  His white friend was pretty smitten with me, sat by my stage when I was dancing but I wasn’t at all interested in him even though I could easily act like I liked him as a very experienced burlesque performer.  When I asked him why he didn’t contact me when I saw him again, he told me,”because you don’t like sex.”  It was an interesting analysis of the time that we had spent together, mostly in a group of friends talking at a club and then eating noodles at 5am on our way to the train station to get the first train home.  I was informally sharing my Tantra knowledge on male ejaculation to the three young non Japanese men at the noodle shop surrounding me.  I was go go dancing on a pole all night the next weekend and naturally flowing in my sexual energy in a way that he could not recognize.  And if it was true that his white friend was somehow superior in the dating world in Japan then why was it that I wasn’t attracted him?  Could it be because he was waiting, like me for an ideal woman that he had created in his mind  and that I just didn’t fit that bill so saying that “I must not like sex” was a story that he told himself about me.  I was fine with his decision in the end.  It didn’t hurt me at all.  I just felt like it was another interesting experience unable to find my mirror being reflected in most people that I meet in Japan.  There was another Indian guy who followed me to this club that night.  I had to get him to calm down his flirtations because I was also not attracted to him.  So I suppose that the story that I’d been telling myself, that “I’m just not hot in Japan.” was also a lie.  It just seemed like the people that I have been wishing to attract were not attracted to me and anyone else that came in front of this ideal person who had yet to arrive didn’t really make a difference to me.  They seemed to me to be in my way and I wanted to clear my path asap.   In this way, when we are alone, it is true sometimes that we actually choose this.  I know for me, that I have no desire to be with anyone just to not be alone.  Even though I long to be cuddled and held bodily and emotionally, I won’t be able to surrender to a body that doesn’t speak my vibrational language of love.  Love languages are very important to me.  I have even found a niche teaching this to English learners here in Japan to blend my Tantra coaching and English teaching and make it fit into my skillset and passion.  My Tantra teacher says that women access sex from the head down to the genitals while men access sexual desire from the genitals up to the head last.  This explains why women need conversation and connection before they feel like they can open their legs.  This last weekend a wild swinger couple was visiting a group of friends in Japan from Australia.  The man was trying to swoop me into a threesome with is wife so I could be their new unicorn on their visit to Japan.  I wasn’t attracted to him either.  He spoke of his big dick and how much he liked sex and how he actually wasn’t Tantric.  He liked to fuck.  I told him that it was possible to fuck as a Tantrika, but I understood what he meant.  “I like to cum.” he said.  “A lot.”  I didn’t absorb his energy.  It slides off me the way that many years of male seekers with their dicks out have over the decades of my professional experiences.  It’s not that I don’t like sex.  It’s that I don’t bond with the physical without the spiritual and emotional.   I’ve known since my days of being a whore that I wasn’t that slutty.  And now that I was no longer a whore then there was just the goddess underlying in her queendom. 

Maybe it’s like some foodies who don’t want to eat food unless it has certain side dishes or sauces with it.  My chosen daughter used to say if she had a taco without hot sauce then she would just throw it away.  “Why even eat it?” she told me and I would laugh every time.  The Asian equivalent is usually the need for rice with certain dishes.  These aren’t accents or extras, they actually make the dish make sense for us.  It was interesting because I had in my mind that I would go to a sex club, or a happening bar as it is called in Japan and see if maybe I might meet someone that I could connect and have sex with that night but our group of friends gravitated towards a karaoke bar and decided to just keep drinking and singing.  Sex for me is not a carnal need anymore, connection is.  The swinger couple described themselves as a “traveling sex club” with skills such as total polyamory in an open and loving marriage, and each of them had qualities that made them interesting to hang out with and fun people to sing karaoke with but beyond that there was nothing.  Big dick and polyamory are definitely not my love or sex language, and I suppose I would have fucked with them if we were in a play space but since we weren’t it was harder for me to feel open to their flirtations because I wasn’t going to go home with them.  I just wasn’t interested.  Why did I want to go to the happening bar then?  To meet and connect with people that I may find attractive of course.  It made perfect sense to me but I wasn’t attached to the idea either.   In fact, I guess that I haven’t been attracted to at least the last 15 or so suitors that have been attracted to me, but nothing is wrong with me, I see people passing by in Tokyo that I find attractive often enough.   One of my good friends in Japan is a demisexual who needs to be emotionally connected before having sexual activity but in comparison to her, I knew that I can sometimes mate with people much quicker if I allow myself to open up, and I can have one night stands and play with strangers at sex parties if I feel inspired.   Sometimes random sexy things happen.  But I am now in my 40s and I definitely know that my body chemistry has changed.  Lust doesn’t occur unless I see someone I am attracted to physically and it seems like it is either instant and wildly primal or a very slow simmer.  I can look like I am still in my 20s when I go out in Japan and lots of young guys have tried to hit on me for quick sex.  I still don’t feel it.  There isn’t a MILF porn fantasy engine that turns on, and I don’t feel any sudden insatiable need to fuck them because they are 20 years younger than me.   Sexual energy is organic and all around us and is slower to absorb and more genuine and sustainable, this is the course of action I take.  There is a difference.  If I feel that I am being received and seen then I can easier be turned on, and once that happens then we can fuck.  If my energy is not received or reciprocated in a respectful way then I don’t continue with my thoughts.  There is no unrequited love for me, i can detach from crushes quite easily.   Talking about how big your dick is or how good you think you are never ever worked on me.  It almost has the opposite effect, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like sex.  

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