I cannot be the woman that you need. I know you wanted a muse, a non pro sugar baby who would not talk of needing money, who would not demand a donation or an hourly, who would just adhere to future promises of being your high paid mistress for free..but, no. It won’t be me. I can’t. I couldn’t make it past the first date. I’m sorry. I’m too lazy to dress up and pretend I care when there isn’t cold hard cash involved. Even if you are the one of the bigwigs in a certain huge AIDS foundation and promised to get my sex worker organization it’s dream start up budget from all his associates and more. Some women both within and outside of this movement are naturals at this type of sex work. Some can marry and date rich. Some girls date the big daddies and succeed, but I fear a worse ending, being strung along with promises and dropped off with nothing but cab fare home. And it was such an indecent proposal because I saw you string up my love and passion for sex workers rights as the carrot as you tried to manipulate yourself into my weekly calendar. The thing that got me was that he wouldn’t offer dinner with these late night meetings at the hotel bar that we were supposed to “work on my grant application.” The thing that gets me now is that he said he “didn’t want to even sleep with me until he got my organization funding.” Of course, in his eyes, waiting to sleep with me would justify not paying me for my time, because of course, all prostitutes should be paid for are the sex acts, right? Maybe I screwed up the opportunity for my chapter of SWOP to get funded in major ways in the next year, but let’s hope not. I don’t think that grant decisions, even in Hollywood are decided by the sway of one guy’s sex drive. Especially not the only straight guy in a gay office. I’m sure the gay/bi sleep your way to the dream game is similar. It’s how James Dean made it, I hear. A lot of things in business get done by who you know and who you sleep with, unfortunately, and not just in Hollywood, but in the Foundation/non profit world too. I am too much of a power freak to be a whore for free. Once you’ve been paid extraordinarily for your sexuality-which could take form in listening, smiling, giving advice, engaging in conversation, sucking dick, taking it in the ass or watching someone without judgment or attachment throw their lives away in a dirty motel room smoking crack. Once you’ve been paid, it is really hard to go back to ever going through similar motions for free. You feel somewhat degraded everytime you do. Unless it’s with someone you love, of course. But we don’t love our tricks. We love our jobs. We like and respect our clients at best. Oh, except the sugar babies..they actually do end up marrying their clients, and that is the ultimate win in their eyes, so maybe they do end up loving. Like Ivanna Trump did. Like my mom did… I’ve tried to control the daddy types, but they just won’t play along with my power game. They are the ones who ultimately control. And I just won’t be that girl, so they end up hating me soon enough.
As far as Mr.AIDS Foundation Mack Daddy, I bid silent farewell. He was asking me to mix the day job with the night job, but essentially work overtime doing both for free. I have worked endless hours for this movement without compensation, no doubt, but on my own watch and my own direction. I also don’t know if I want anyone to have access to all of my personas at once. That is priceless. I felt very conflicted for many days about it, but the last time I flaked on him, it felt like the right thing to do.