Holding misogyny in my chest

I’m still holding your misogyny in my chest…It stays with me for days and sometimes weeks on end.  

I am smoking to ease the pain, and it works.  I am self medicated for anxiety attacks and post traumatic stress disorder.

“Why didn’t I just KICK THEIR ASSES???” like so many Chun Li Street Fighter fantasies in my head, in my story boards of triumph.

I am holding your misogyny in my mouth.  I am sucking your dick to ameliorate a FUCKED UP situation and your frat boy buddy from college is thanking me [for being a ‘nice’ bitch].  

In the replay  fantasies I pull out my pepper spray and tell them that I am going to stand in the corner by the door and get dressed and leave and that they are NOT to try to stop me.  Period.

But I stayed for 20 minutes too long and I gave you more of me than you ever deserved.  They didn’t physically hurt me, but one of them stood up and blocked the door,”You’re not going anywhere..”he started in a coked out flare.  “I know that we all went to good colleges and you THINK that you aren’t being ASSHOLES right now, but YOU ARE.”  I said, heart beating, adrenalyn pumping…PTSD TRIGGER PROCESS beginning…..(hard to breath, hard to think straight, vision blurry, panic, anxiety..)

I should have called my security person and put their verbal abuse and threats on speakerphone, like we’ve discussed so many times before.  I should have called my agency and told them to call these idiots so that they would back down and I could make my exit like I have done so many, too many times.  But you can’t ever think fast enough in this work, and inevitably you always should have done something…

But I took your misogyny and swallowed it, for as long as I could humanly bear it, until the alarm on my cell phone went off and that was my lifesaving cue.  These 2 Black frat boys laughed and scoffed at me the whole time as I made my walking escape to the bathroom.  I closed the door and heard them erupt into more laughter.  I rinsed myself and got dressed.  They didn’t physically assault me, so they stood there glum, as if NO damage had been done.

I tried to smoke their violence away so I could go to sleep.  7am and I pop up in bed.  My boyfriend is asleep next to me and he has no understanding of my pain.  “Go to sleep.” he says, “Everytime this happens to you, you get like this..”he is only able to observe..Thankfully, he does not make awful and abusive comments about my feelings or try to blame me or my work for my reactions like previous lovers.  “Did you get raped?”he asked as he spooned me in bed.  “No…”I said knowing that if they had raped me, I wouldn’t be lying in bed peacefully but me and him would headed back to their gated condo with torches in our hands on a bounty hunt…but maybe that is just a fantasy hopeful ending for what would happen if it had been worse than it was.   We indeed did play out a rape scene as if we were on stage in a theatre, it was demeaning, degrading, real sexual violence….

No, not all my clients are like this, mostly only agency escort guys.  They are always on coke, speed or crack between the hours of 3 and 6am and their egos and perceptions are flared with their belief that treating me this way is normal and acceptable.  I wish I had a better form of income than agency escorting, but I don’t.  There is nothing I can do to make immediate funds and pay impending bills (like the rent) except continue to do this agency shit.  Before I found the agency I currently work for…there was the brothel.  And we all know how that went down.  Sugar daddy dropped me like a used wrapper in the sewer to drown in toxic shit infested waters..

The recovery from the trauma has allowed me to go on with my life, but I am still holding their misogyny in my chest.

Why don’t you just quit?  Why don’t you go independent?? Why don’t you get ANOTHER JOB??  Oh, you CHOOOOOSE to be a sex worker.  You could do many other things with your life….But it is not so easy at all.  And anyone who says this comes from some privilege and a warped perception of what they think these choices in my life are.

3 Responses to “Holding misogyny in my chest”

  1. 1 peridotash
    March 5, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. I agree agencies suck. I worked for them when I first started escorting and until I learned how to work the Internet (which is not possible in every locale, so I believe you that you have no alternative to agencies right now). What you describe sounds about right: sending you out after midnight to guys on drugs, drunk, (I had a mental case once), desperate and weird and sometimes just plain mean. Oh, but I was never raped, so I shouldn’t complain. And fuck people who tell you, “Well you should have told them…” “You could have done…” “Next time you should…” “Why don’t you…” Even as an independent I’ve had a few (MUCH fewer than agency sessions) bad clients where I “should have” “could have” done something differently or “shouldn’t have” but once you’re in that situation sometimes the only thing you can do is bite your lip and look forward to being out the door in 20 minutes or however much time is left. I also agree about the people who cry “Your choice!” and get pissed if you point out misogynistic aspects of prostitution that totally SUCK and kindly ask “Have you ever considered quitting?” “Sounds like you don’t have the right attitude for it.” “It’s not for everybody.” As if *you* are somehow to blame for what SUCKS. What happened here is not your fault (I’m sure you already know that). My thoughts are with you today in hopes that you will eventually recover from this. This kind of situation is a sad reminder that there is a lot of ugliness in the world. All we can do is be aware of it while not forgetting about the beauty and good.

  2. March 5, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    Thank You. Thank You. This is why I blog. It is an outlet for me to somehow know that other sex workers are reading this and feeling my pain..thanks for your comments. I don’t use the word rape for this incident. Sexual assault has become my catch all term for all the sexual violence that I have endured both in the industry and out of it…It has been a continuum in my life. There are too many incidents like this to even count. But the upside of being an over anaylizing survivor and activist is that I can recover quicker because I recognize all the signs and stages and allow myself to feeeel.

    I use this work to reclaim power that I have lost, but unfortunately and inevitably it ends up backfiring and retraumatizing me. It’s an abusive relationship that I have with myself perhaps and that part I am working hard to GET OUT of. I am replaying the same dumb movie over and over again with these guys and it needs to end. But indy escorting is NOT happening right now and never was by itself enough to pay the bills for me.

  3. 3 cheshireb
    March 6, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    I wish I had something to say that didn’t seem pointless, I wish that I could offer you something other than this, but here goes.

    Your writing amazes me, thankyou for speaking your truth, not just the good, and not just the bad, thankyou for being brave.

    I am so sorry, for all the bullshit you have to deal with.

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