Return to the Scene of the Crime

domcon1My my my there were more than a few gorgeous amazon fem-doms in latex military gear.   I found the infamous Mistress Alexia Jordan…and found a willing photographer who would capture this beautiful moment on my iphone and on a nicer 35mm SLR which he will email to me later…I look like a stereotypical small dick Asian guy with a Chong mustache..I call myself Sergeant Semper Fi Chong.  I got two foot slaves to rub my sore feet during my outreach shift at the convention.  It was especially fun to walk upstairs to the Starbucks where all the tourists from all over the U.S were checking in and out.  Exactly one year ago at this very hotel I was a victim of a big prostitution sting right after DomCon2008.  I am actually banned from the hotel possibly, but I guess I’m not holding a grudge.  Plus, my Chinese Marine persona had EVERYONE fooled.  I wasn’t having any Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms as I strolled through the lobbies or ate overpriced underquality food at their cafe upstairs..with Mommy Fiercest.

We did well, especially and only since the table was donated.  Usually we end up working our ass of for absolutely NO profit because tables and booths, even for non profits are usually $3-600 for the weekend.  SWOP-LA has got lots of new faces and fresh blood in it now and I am slowly slowly growing the organization in ways that I thought I would easily be able to achieve right away.  Now I see that it has taken me a year to get to the place we are in, and I am actually proud of that step.  I cannot even tell you how many people: my ex sugar daddy of late and just another man who was trying to coax me into understanding that I was really wasting my time killing myself for a non profit while I myself was barely surviving.  I am defensive of the obvious, and I am always prepared to fight back against an accusatory and cocky man who thinks he knows me.  It’s not that he needs to know me, it’s just that our perspectives, our upbringings, our goals, our mission statements are totally different, so therefore, the reasons why I am a slave to THE DEATH for my non paying job, is lately a mystery to me as well… I keep thinking that I am going to stop, but I am also addicted to its growth.  This man stormed out of the room and threw his hands up in the air in frustration because he couldn’t convince me that my non profit would soon have to die because it would no longer have money.  

I don’t run SWOP-LA for a salary, or fame or glory or any benefits of any sort.  I am acutally already hated by at least 2 organizations and labelled as difficult by god knows how many else.  Activism was feeding my soul for the last 10 years, it isn’t until only recently, that I have been feeling sooo very empty.  I guess I left teaching in 2006 thinking that being the founding director of a non profit like SWOP wouldn’t leave me in such economical and emotional turmoil because I can’t pay my bills and I don’t want to do sex work the way I am doing it anymore.  I feel like I could be on the verge of a big grant if I kept at it.  I also feel that I can’t stop.  It is the pulse that keeps me busy.  It keeps me feeling like I am doing something to help, to change, to heal…

 Yesterday, I spent the entire day doing the organizations budget from 2006-present.  I made spreadsheets!  I saw exactly how much money was spent on stuff for the first time…and I STILL have not done MY OWN TAXES (i have an extension) and I KNOW that I am starving for money, but yet, I procrastinate filing them.  Weird.

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