transition…but to what?

I remember how it felt to struggle and ache when I was trying to get out of stripclub stripping..The feelings that I feel are similar.  I am trying to market EVERY skill set that I embody to try to replace agency escort work (which last ended with us keying the car of some guy for supposedly stealing some money, but anyway…) without my main agency work that I either quit or got fired from,  I sink.  This is why I never felt bad about what I did.  Being part of a lie and a hustle.  Oh well.  It suited my antogonistic nature.  But I’m done fighting.  I’m done with the drama.  I just got off the phone with some cranky tweaker bitch who is offering me her space to use, but I am not going to do it because she is crazy and she drives ME crazy!  And she does NOT see herself as the problem.  At all.  I had the same issue with the booker from the agency that I last worked at.  She was a raging nasty bitchy CUNT.  I NEVER talk about women that negatively, except when describing her and working with her.  She used all her inadequate insecure false sense of power as the booker to wield passivity out of us workers when she was yelling in our ears and making our work shifts HELL.  She is another reason why I have not begged for my job.  And they didn’t ask for me back either.  Oh well.  Craigslist is dying and that was their main staple of cheap ad space, which is why we were so busy..

The Craigslist killer could have killed me.  It’s really just a numbers game.  It’s how you make money in this business and it is why the violence, the drama and the STDs or other (unplanned pregnancies, yeast infects, UTIs) are inevitable.  Jill Scott sang to me while I was in the bath,”But ohhh this game ain’t designed for no kind of winning…” and I realize it applies to Mi Vida Loca tambien.

 I am trying to keep my head up, as Tupac would by smoking ounces of weed to his head for support through the tough times.  Most recently, I went back to the Clinical trial office where I have been part of a 3 year pap smear study.  I started this study in the same way that I continue this and other studies that use my body as a test subject for research.  Last year, I was selected for a second visit to do a coposcopy (scraping of the uterus).  It paid $150.  I thought it would add to my sex work income, but it turns out I’m told I’m supposed to abstain from sex for TWO WEEKS!!  This was the dumbest thing that I had EVER done for money, since I had committed to arriving at the nightmare brothel last year and worky by a certain date (because I was broke in LA and had to travel) and so therefore, abstaining was NOT an option.  The sex during the copo healing was wretched pain that I wrote about…worse than losing my virginity…

The other day I got $50 for a doing my annual pap.  I have one of 100s of strands of HPV, which I contracted from somewhere.  I have not been concerned with it for years because (some 1 out 5 women have one HPV strand),and my paps have been normal for the last 9 years and not shown gential wartson the outside or signs of cancer ever.    Before your 2nd visit you are not told whether your pap was normal or not, and there is a 1/3 chance that you would be a placebo that would get a copo anyway, so there’s only a 30% chance that you WON’T get the knife.  The Dr of the clinical trial claims that they found cancerous cells that the coposcopy scraped off and that there is a wart inside my uterus but that I don’t need to do anything about it, it would be difficult and expensive to burn off and it isn’t cancerous for men who may come into contact with it.  Having ANYTHING is stigmatizing even if 1/3 of the population has it, even though most people who have an active sex life often get at least SOMETHING or more in their lifetime.  My sister, who has had 3 partners has had it and gotten it taken care of.  HPV is a virus, so once you have the antibodies in your system, you will always test positive for it although, not contagious unless showing signs, and it will replicate the signs of where it came from.  A wart will turn into a wart, a cold sore to a cold sore, HIV into HIV, bacterial infection into similar infection…HIV is the life threatening one, everything else is traumatic but acceptable for most people that get it.  They even have herpes support groups and dating.  They also do that for HIV “pos” people to network and meet.  HPV is like every other person you are probably with anyway.  The more I talk about this with other people, the more I find out that everyone really does have something or they’ve had something.  

I set up all these webcam and phone sex operator accounts so that I can bring in extra revenue without putting my life on the line and staying up til 6am 3 nights a week…so I know I am not really quitting sex work.  I just would like to be able to have some of this so called “choice” that everyone talks about, and “choose” to not work at the agency I was working at or anything like it, to “choose” to not work at a brothel, and more…I more chose to accept the consequences of the lifestyle I wanted to lead and the opportunities that I would have to give to myself the opportunities that I would not have gotten if I was not a sex worker.  And maybe some feminist is reading this and scoffing at my pain, and she’s got it all figured out at her salaried job with benefits and 6 figure salary.  And maybe she has had the freedom to be herself for the last 10 years, and travel the world, and sing to crowds of activists in other countries…

I am contemplating going to art school for a year to get a Bachelors Degree in Fine Art.  $33,000.  Add it to my tab!  I already have about that amount in 2 degrees piling up that Sallie Mae is watching over for me…I’m in no rush to pay.  Love that forbearance…and so do they…but, you can’t squeeze cold beer out of a rock.  I want to get another year of computer specific video and photo editing so that I could actually PAY my student loans with more freelance clients or a job at a studio or something…I can’t even believe I didn’t fulfill that with the Masters of Education..I guess I thought I was going to stay a teacher..but going back into teaching is not really what I want to do and I am sure of it.  Just as sure that I am capable of being amazing but unable to commit to what I see as a step backwards in my career…I want to teach college…

This research doctors office is full of  WOMEN IN THIS STUDY ARE LOW INCOME or BROKE:  poor at the time or poor always.  I found the ad on Craigslist, and it is operated by Roche Pharmaceuticals which has a debatable reputation but are the makers of my favorite cure for the monthly almost psychotic episode: vallllliium….zzzz..

The $50 was much needed gas money and money to change the oil on my car which was 1000 miles overdue..  I was extremely happy to have the cash.  While I was in the waiting room, I was laughing at the fact that I have some sort of moral issue with selling my eggs to infertile couples.  I had seen this ad in college newspapers since I was 19 but for some reason it had never ever struck me to consider.  I believe that you have to be drug and marijuana free and I think that you are meant to take some medication (fertility pills??). I’m not sure, but getting $50 doesn’t seem to even compare to the $4,200 they offer to pay for some IV league genetic samples.  Broke but not broken..

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