Only an artist can understand the need to be alone..

I don’t write music or performances or even blogs well when I am in the presence of others.  I can facebook and twitter, but my real heartfelt outpourings are usually when it’s just me and one of the only things that keeps me feeling like I have a portal to possibility…my MacBook Pro and an internet connection.

Today I come home from doing my community service at the AIDS food bank and realize that because I haven’t paid my phone/DSL bill (which has accumulated to some $450 over the unpaid months) AT&T has cut me off.  just like that.  no methadone.  nothing.  I head to a starbucks and try my access code.  NOTHING.  I must buy a gift card.  Stat.  Now I have to register that gift card.  And then I finally get on the web and here I am.  and I had just found out how to make over more than $100 a day doing webcam masturbation shows with different people on niteflirt.  But I am new phone flirt so they have to screw up all the money that I made and hold it for 4 days and send a check that takes 2 weeks to arrive.  So I’m just waiting for the money to be deposited.  But meanwhile I am now crippled from making more money until they decide to enact the direct deposit “Express Pay” service that it says that it is.

Today I worked at the AIDS Project Los Angeles Food bank.  It was an eye opener to see the spectrum of people living with AIDS and HIV in LA.  Some you could never tell, some looked like the AIDS commercials you may have seen, and the Ryan White era that I was just blogging about, and others were elder Latina women..abuelitas who were in line for their groceries.  It was a non stop day of packing groceries, talking to people and getting to know the most basic and essential program which resulted from Ryan White Act money, I believe…Any person who says that they know that the people that they sleep with are HIV- is crazy.  When they ask me that question on my intake form I always put unknown. (Q: Have you had any partners that have been HIV+? ) How do I know the status of another person?  Or if what they say is the truth, because when you are infected with something it is easier to lie and hopefully use condoms than tell the truth… and then there is the window period.  and then there’s herpes and genital warts which almost everyone has!  It was just eye opening.  I tried to be very friendly, as I usually am, but more so today because I know how hard it is to be waiting in a government benefits line..must feel like waiting in line at traffic court, or waiting to be seen at the public hospital  “emergency” room.

I had a gig singing backup vocals for Karma this emerging R&B singer in LA.  It was a great experience but she blew me off without letting me know.  That’s LA for ya.  Oh well. You go through bands and producers in this town like underwear it sometimes it seems.

I am happily alone.  tired but broke.  It is Friday night.  I am broker than I have been in a while, but pretty much the same broke that I have been for the last year.  I finally got my boyfriend who I was supporting to move the fuck out.  I had to call his volunteer sheriff stepfather to help out.  He wouldn’t listen to me.  I felt like I was a teacher calling a parent.  “Come pick him up.  He needs to live with you guys for a while.” I said.  I had called his mom about a month before and had been talking with my therapist about it for at least 2 months (or years, it’s all blurred into one).  But I went to San Francisco, it kept getting delayed by his ignoring me and I thought that it would never happen.

I thought that it would never happen without me losing my temper and my sanity for at least a day and blowing up and breaking something like usual.  But it didn’t happen that way.  He left voluntarily and it was a bit sad but not too much, he was doing it, he finally was.  Thank you jesus.  But I don’t know if it will stay this way.  We haven’t broken up.  But he is actually giving me space and officially moving out.  (I was in danger of being evicted if my property manager ever realized he lived with me for so long..)

I have less than I have had in a while.  things are bad financially.  My property manager is breathing down my neck about paying the rent late.  But I stood up to her.  The whole state is in an economic crisis lady.  Take a raincheck.  She threatened me with a 3 day notice.  I did the same thing to my boyfriend.  Over a month ago.

“I paid your late fee last month, I’ve paid more than half for this month so you’d have a tough case.” I texted back.  I was watching him pack.  No sadness.  no anger.  no fit of rage.  just relief.  I couldn’t believe it was happening so smoothly.  This can’t be so simple.  He will find a way to snake his way back into the bed, into the house…But until then..

“to the left, to the left..everything you own in the box to the left..”

2 Responses to “Only an artist can understand the need to be alone..”

  1. 1 wheremychickenat
    July 28, 2009 at 3:26 am

    i love your blog!!! I’ve been reading you since the whole brothel spectical. Did u have to pay extra to have the whole banner thing with you picture on it?

    • July 28, 2009 at 3:39 am

      pay extra? no..i made it with Photoshop and fit it into the template..I can’t even afford my own hosting right now! that’s why it’s still a wordpress blog and not my own site..thanks for the comments though…i’m going through hard times right now so it helps to know people are following..

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