if you’ve been reading, you know it’s been a fucking hard year…
thanks for reading…it really helps me cope to write and know that you are reading…
I got all dressed up and went to a dancing party downtown with adult raver DJs. A very hetero mainstreamy event, but I did NOT want to go very far from my house nor deal with traffic or too many abnoxious crowds. I was fixing to go snowboarding at Bear Valley with my 21 year old BFE (boyfriend experience) for a couple of days so I was actually turning down guys for one nite stands so I could roll out of bed on time to kidnap this boy I met (as his escort) so I could turn him into MY escort for a few more days. (we’d already seen each other once after our initial date and confirmed that there was some magic worth spending time to explore…)
I invited my actor neighbor for a drink before I left for the party in this outfit and he did NOT understand why I didn’t just want to suck his dick right then and there! Too funny. “I’m sorry,” I thought,”I’m a WHORE, not a slut!” ha. If I don’t want to fuck you, it’s really hard to fuck me without paying me first. Sorry. That’s just the way it is. And I especially can’t get down and fuck in the first 15 minutes of talking unless there’s money involved. Jesus, what do you think this is?
For some reason of all these guy that wanted me and have wanted me lately, I chose the least likely candidate to spend my time with. One that just got out of prison, 21 years too young for me, white trashy, tooth missing, drug addict history and likely future, nothing to brag about except that he gave me amazing love and care and attention everytime I held him close. And when we kissed our lips and tongues fit together without worrying about whether or not he had a tooth missing or not. I didn’t even care about it. All I knew was that his skin was super soft and that I had missed kissing and making out with someone..He had a couple really key things more than my ex-boyfriend though, a G.E.D and a good construction job and most of our escapades didn’t come out of my pocket, even if he was 12 years younger than me. Well, if my ex boyfriend didn’t set my standards down to the ankles, this one surely takes his place at the soles of my feet supposedly, except it was me at the soles of HIS feet in my memories.
I know that it is wrong and it is going nowhere…but I chase after it like a drug.
Our worlds were so far apart from each yet they could conventiently be drawn together for a few moments, a few days…and I have been experimenting with this A LOT in my last few partners. Because they’ve all been taboo and “wrong” for me in every way…but I’ve exchanged amazing non judgmental, apolitical love energy with them and it’s been amazing. rejuvinating. but how could you get that from someone that is supposed to be a society throw-away? or a couple of Asiaphile white guys with a long string of ALL Asian ex girlfriends? what the fuck have I been thinking? But I fucked these white devils and they made me cum really really hard! Hah. But also, and most importantly they made me feel *genuine love energy* which is that thing that I seek, that I chase that I try to hold in my essence and breath it in continuously for as long as possible. If we don’t have discussions about race, privilege, age, gender, homophobia or transgender politics then I can just make you a fantasy and all of the wrong will be right in my mind. I can tell you after bedding these ‘terrible’ guys that I proved that love really can be blind. It is true what liberals and Michael Jackson have sung about for YEARS! You can bond and exchange love energy if both are open to it regardless of age, gender, race, politico, class…for at least a little while til you get bored of having sex all day and nite and have to go out into the world.
My 21 year old ex con has this magnetic cock that can make a safe sex slut want to take it deep inside her without a condom or an STD test and impregnate her with a baby that would make his 3rd child…before 22..in case you didn’t understand WHY people who shouldn’t have kids end up having kids…(it’s something in the fucking semen). I didn’t do it without a condom, but he tried to push the issue into me and was so almost convincing I almost came imagining the consequences.
It was a running joke between us..”My lifelong ambition in life is to get a hotel room with you tonight and make sure to get you to parole officer on time tomorrow. You can even use my hand to do your piss test in..” This after he had made me finally have 3 orgasms in a 2 our morning session that was long overdue after he had fallen asleep on me at 8pm in our $125 hotel room suite..I was kicking myself for not bringing my laptop because I thought we were going to be too busy fucking for me to blog. But I wished I had brought my computer or something to read cuz now I was actually ‘bored’ and i try to make sure that never happens to me…I forced myself to sleep at 12am. i watched TV about Cougars. About Madonna being 53 and her lover being 23. Ha. I wasn’t so bad. I am only 33. but I feel like I could be any age from 22-33. The show said that it was a good thing that older women were with such younger men and that they weren’t demeaning themselves because when a young guy chooses an older woman over his peers, it is a great confidence booster for the older woman (who is supposed to wish that she was his age). I have loved 20-21 year olds since I was 25. sexual energy combined with naive romanticism and adoration. that’s what i look for in a young buck.
Don’t ask me why. I reflect and blog, I am not really seeking answers.
I think I kidnapped him from a girlfriend. Since I’ve been talking to him, some wifey character out of the Raising Arizona movie has been blowing up my PHONES with crazy tweaker messages about him being her man, i’m a whore, etc etc. I turn my phone off when I am with him, too bad for her. Too bad for her too that I make a living out of being with other people’s men and that it doesn’t make me feel guilty obviously to do this…especially when I have the better half of the deal. I’ll drop him off when I am done with him, don’t worry. (and I literally dropped him off to her and she had NOTHING to say to me). I am not trying to be his girlfriend. You take him to see his parole officer. I just want a BFE (a boyfriend experience) not a real boyfriend!
Just for the record, the last taboo “white devil” was a law firm lawyer and an ex-mormon, just to lend some contrast to the guys I’ve been sharing pillows with. they’re probably polar [bear] opposites but equally deemed “bad” for me. (P.S I know my “reverse racist” humor, may not be funny to some but it’s pretty amusing to me. LOL. For this piece, “white devil” refers to any white guy that you would tell who he is to your p.o.c friends and be embarassed of some of the facts that you are explaining..) i.e “Well, he has this nazi memorabilia plate, but its his step father’s..”
Another girl had 3 DUIs and multiple other alcohol related arrests. I met her online… All I can say is that what we truly need is very simple. What people think they are after when they hire an escort, is sometimes called a GFE or a BFE, but what they want is an “experience” of a relationship without the drama and the work of a relationship. Sex workers, especially single ones, need that too and clients can be converted into “reverse-escorts” pretty easily if you are not ashamed of this idea to begin with. I had a 2 year relationship with a stripper customer when I was 22. This guy reminded me of him I think mostly, which may be what I was chasing..but in general, I don’t usually get “this” from my clients as I am not open to it. It is a rarity actually because I am so mechanical with some of my work to defend myself. I LOVE BEING SINGLE. My last relationship just ended in July and I am now finally getting myself back…The ex did not call or leave sentimental messages this Christmas.
It was the day after doing ecstasy and there’s nothing a girl wants to do than lay around, smoke weed, cuddle, be adored and get fucked! LOL. That’s how he became my BFE…
I hear in general, in fact, that client/provider real relationships are actually pretty common. Former clients became a few of my friend’s boyfriends or girlfriends…It’s not what I was after here, but i know it’s possible. In fact, I HOPED that this would be able to just be a casual fling without turning into something obsessive and over my head but knew that that is not something that I could control..
I need love too, even if it isn’t real L*O*V*E. And this boy was willing to pour it onto to me, in just the right amount and way that I needed. and i opened my mouth and took it in. It was not pure sexual and I’m not sure why I was drawn to it. It’s just something that he had to give. But not from anyone! It doesn’t work with anyone. My neighbor is a handsome Black actor with his own aparment and a good job too, but pure sex is not what I am after. I guess It helps if you have addictions or are codependent identified! Ack. but i wish it didn’t. I recently had a lover who was one of the original Broadway cast members from the musical RENT in New York. That was a winner, right? He was a self proclaimed Asia phile (the 2nd one in a row) and when he asked me,”Do you like sex?” all I could say, even though I ended up sleeping with him and liked it, was,”That’s a really weighted question.” because I don’t just like sex.
I figured it out. It’s not shallow and empty NSA sex. Although he was a “good catch” I knew he would be on his way any minute and that any bond created could be special but was transient. I do that for a living. I crave something more, something different, love that isn’t for sale but that leans towards the impossible abyss of real love, whatever that is. The more wrong and impossible the connection, the better for the gravitational pull of it, it seems. It is that pull that makes me LOVE sex. Which i do. with someone that I am EMOTIONALLY ATTRACTED TO. That someone who makes me pull over and start to go down on them on the side of the road just because I want to be that amazing girl in their life, that pull that makes me want to risk my future, my life, my health..that pull which makes you an exhibitionists just cuz you don’t care who the fuck sees… for if I never get my logic glasses back on..THAT pull, combined with hot sex, I love. All other sex is either just work or a utilitarian activity. (just because you NEED to cum, which believe me, I have THAT kind of get laid sex hunt streak too, don’t get me wrong, but..)
His one hour turned into five hours and I drove all the way back to this middle of nowhere LA suburb for more the next week. and it wasn’t just for the sex. The sex alone could not have that power. It is some crazy combination of phermones, affection, genetics..I don’t fucking know. But he wasn’t too good looking, was missing a front tooth and had no real esteeming qualities, except that he was extremely loving and willing to give and receive pretty fully without the fear that men usually have. He was pretty good loving for someone who had a crazy irritating wifey and many other glaring issues that I chose to ignore. We made each other feel special and loved in ways that NO ONE in our regular lives was willing or able to do at this time. This is why we were drawn to each other I think.
[HIS TEXT MESSAGE:] WE HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL.
[ME: No, It’s not something WE have…it’s something that YOU have.”
I told him he could be a male escort because he was so sensually seductive at times. You just have this power, I would say, to make a girl strip off her clothes and start riding your cock within 15 minutes of meeting you, if you wanted.”
Can you imagine that ex-cons would be great at using manipulation, seduction, emotional attraction to get things out of women as a survival mechanism? It’s almost the perfect pairing for a sex worker actually, now that I think about it. Wandering, searching, traumatized souls connecting…needing to believe in something…
I draped my naked body over his lap, exposing my pussy from behind in a very deliberate way as he sits on the edge of the bed waking up, drinking hotel coffee, smoking a cigarette in a non smoking room. He puts down his coffee to finally give me what I want and need. He fingerbangs deep in my g spot with my face down at his feet, ass up, fucking my pussy and spanking my ass as I cum in less than 60 seconds. My pussy reaches the orgasmic frenzy that it has patiently waited all night for all while he is still smoking his cigarette…A pile of good weed gets knocked on the ground because I am wildly whipping my hair in thrusting ecstasy..”i’ll get it later..”i said. “is this what you want?” he says to me, becoming my ultimate dominant, confident White trash molesting uncle asshole fantasy. He thrusts his fingers to finish me off and I gush liquid all over his hand,” Good girl, is that what you wanted..?” even my weed is inconsequential to this…”Yes. It is.” i utter breathlessly from his feet. Why i get off on being so demeaned is beyond me..he talks to me and makes me beg very specifically for it, which is a rare and powerful skillset for someone his age…(we even made a joke that he could have been talking to his girlfriend on the phone while fucking me and I would have liked it more..)
I’m writing in past tense, because I want to wrap this chapter up and hope that it will just neatly end. I got what I wanted (past tense!!), it was filled with red flags and bad news if it were to continue but as I am doing edits on this entry I still want him to come over and fuck me and make me beg for his dick. sex and snowboarding in the sun…So glad I went back to agency work and I can afford to even do anything for the last week. I could have had a lot more sex and someone better looking and who wasn’t coming down off drugs but hey, we can’t all have what we ask for..
My facebook ID: mariko pasion
i’m far more open and spontaneous on there…it’s real and it’s not. join me?