Letter to my last lover who called at 7am telling me of herpes sores all over his dick…

Dear S:

I want to make sure that you know this didn’t happen to you because I am a dirty whore.  I tried to protect you.  And me from other things.  I told you it was unsafe. But you persisted.  I talked to you about it the next morning.  I did my part.  I did not GIVE you herpes.  I feel as if you put yourself at risk, took your chances and YOU got it.  Perhaps a naïve decision on your part but I had NEVER seen such a horrible consequence as a result of TOUCHING my pussy lips could bring…And every time it burns on your dick you think of me and wish you never met me…and that pains me in my gut to think that you see our time together only as what remains for you now.

This did not happen to you because I am a dirty whore.  The kind of intimacy that we shared was not the kind that occurs between a sex worker and her client.  Every hour after the first one you paid for was based on fulfilling our mutual need for love and intimacy.  And it was beautiful and free.  And I am so thankful to have received your gifts, even if for a short period.  Our business relationship ended as soon as the first hour was up.  I pursued you as my lover not my client and the thing that we sought to be fulfilled in each other is priceless and not usually for sale to clients even by prostitutes unless they become lovers like we did.

I would never admit that I am unloveable because I have a STD nor would I consider myself unloveable because I am a sex worker.  I loved you as a person.  I guess it is true that we often have riskier sex with our lovers because we feel that we are being more intimate.  But where has that intimacy brought us?  It’s brought you at least 2 kids and an STD you’ll have forever. But the forever part is supposed to shock and scare you, and stop you from being sexual?  I don’t think so.   I don’t live my life as if I have AIDS or as if I need to stop having sex or doing sex work.  I say FUCK YOU to anyone who feels that way.  I also invite them to FUCK ME and see if they survive to see another day.  I believe they will.  People have eaten my pussy and lived to tell about it.  You need to protect yourself from me but not treat me like a dirty needle.   You never did, but I felt like, my ex-boyfriend did at times so everyone after him who doesn’t react the way he did, I feel like thanking.  I was attracted to your willingness to love me without fear or hesitation and I regret that it was that quality that may have gotten you infected.  But it could be the drugs that had your boundaries down.  Most HIV transmission happens while high on drugs and centering only on pleasure and not the risk.  I don’t have HIV or any life threatening diseases and I don’t want any so I still need to protect myself from the unknown risks of getting more incurable diseases at the same time as people need to protect themselves from me.  I’m sure you can see that meth easily makes one self serving and blind to the consequences in the name of what you are after, so maybe you can blame this on being young, being horny, being high but please don’t blame it on me…

In general, I disclose that I have herpes, usually on the 2nd date.  On our first date, I expect our sex to be safe anyway.  I am not going to stop having sex any time soon, and am a firm believer that hot safe sex with me is totally possible. Don’t expect positives to always be the ones to disclose first.  Understand it’s not easy nor is it necessary all the time if you just protect yourself.  I assume that people are either lying (‘you’re a drug and disease free swinger?’) or their knowledge might be inaccurate so I try to be as careful as possible. I know sex workers who are HIV+ that do not tell and I know non-sex workers who are HIV+ that have lied when asked…

This did not happen to you because I am a dirty whore.  I usually have extremely safe sex with my clients and have as little exposure to bodily fluids or risky rough sex as much as possible.  But things happen and condoms sometimes break. When I found out I got it, I was in shock because I had used condoms for almost EVERYTHING work related.  I did not realize how easily transmitted the virus was.  I feel bad that you are suffering but I guess now you will change the way that you have sex because you HAVE to.  You now have something that is as easily passed to someone else the same way it got to you.  I feel bad that your girlfriend might have it.  She gets the worst end of the deal if she gets it.  I obviously don’t have a problem with having been involved with you even though you were with her, but that you could have done a better job to simply protect the person that you were coming home to.

I don’t know how I got it.  It COULD be from my work, but I had the MOST unprotected sex in the beginning months of my last long term relationship when I was trying to be on the pill, so I tend to think I could have gotten it then but I don’t know.  I know that it is easy to get and that 80% of people will get it   But it doesn’t really matter WHO and WHEN to me.  It matters that I will not be defined by it.

I have taken a lot of judgment from some and acceptance, love and lust even AFTER having come out and told lots of friends and lovers even while in bed…  I am confident in my sexuality and that I still have much of it to share with people in the many years to cum.  I have met many people besides you who when I tell them they tell me they either HAVE IT ALREADY OR they don’t care and/or they are willing to just take the risk! And I feel SO honored sometimes.  It feels like love.  But I know that it is not.  It is either a form of love or stupidity, of which there is such a thin line between…   I crave the deepness of skin to skin contact and the wetness of a tongue like everyone else…so I don’t always STOP people from diving down and eating me to tell them I have herpes first, it’s true.  But like I said, they’ve survived without sores on their lips the next day.  I’ve kissed lips with sores and not gotten sores.  You were the one who persuaded ME, (by rubbing the throbbing head of your cock along the inside of my labia, and telling me what more you wanted to do with it..)  if I remember correctly and that was when I told you that you could be a male escort for because you were so sensually persuasive…Sometimes we take chances and hope that it was worth it.  I want you, for some reason to think that it was worth it.

It was hard to tell you what I did the day we were together in before Christmas, but I DID tell you what could happen.  I’m glad that I did otherwise I’d be feeling pretty guilty right now, but I don’t.  I mostly feel sad that you wished it never happened.  I do care about what you think of me and the time we spent together, for some reason. It was very special to me.  I don’t know why.  Maybe we’ll both get over it.  But I know unfortunately now that because of this you probably won’t forget it so I wanted to write this letter to help you remember some positive things when you do.


I decided to come out as a herpes spokesperson of sorts because the isolation rejection and stigma that I am asked to hold and not talk about while I talk about everything else is too much for me.  I need to express my resistance to being a damaged, diseased whore stereotype, and perhaps be a model voice for others who may be feeling similar things.  There is not enough information and support for those of us that do not see it as the end of the world..I have HSV-1 but the sores appear in the genital area when they pass.  I don’t even have any active sores on me and we last had unprotected sex 4 WEEKS before it showed up which is crazy.

There is a rumor that oral herpes are less stigmatized than genital herpes, but they look identical under a microscope so i think that the stigma is imaginary.  I have never had more than 1 cold sore in my genitals at any given time and not often.  I check the area often with a lighted Hello Kitty mirror I got for Christmas and I wouldn’t dare allow anyone to touch me IF I did have any active sores.  Because I didn’t look anything like the horrible pictures on the websites, I didn’t think it was such a big deal, but now I see that you truly ARE contagious at all times without protection.  If that is 100% then why don’t I pass the virus every time I put my mouth on someone’s dick without a condom..must be most efficiently passed between genital/genital skin contact.  I speak for harm reduction, not perfection..I bought dental dams and use flavored condoms but not always…especially with people I am trying to be closer to emotionally.  AFter breaking up with my last boyfriend, anyone who went down on me without a barrier almost made me cry inside, it was something I longed for so much..

Herpes Statistics

One out of five of the total adolescent and adult population is infected with genital herpes.

Infection is more common in women (approximately one out of four women) than in men (almost one out of five).

Male-to-female transmission is more efficient than female-to-male transmission.

One in five Americans have genital herpes (yet at least 80 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it).

About 80 percent of American adults have oral herpes (cold sores).

An estimated 25 percent of American adults have genital herpes.

Genital herpes affects approximately one in six Australian adults

Approximately two-thirds of people who acquire STDs in the United States are younger than 25.1,3

About one in five people in the United States over age 12 (approximately 45 million individuals) are infected with HSV-2, the virus that causes genital herpes.2

According to the A.H.M.F. (Australian Herpes Management Forum) genital herpes is under-diagnosed — of people with genital herpes simplex virus infection only 1 in 5 are diagnosed and, up to 80% of cases of genital herpes are not recognized as such by clinicians.

At least one in four Americans will contract an STD at some point in their lives.

Up to 1 million new HSV-2 infections may be transmitted each year in the United States.1

Costs associated with genital herpes totaled approximately $237 million in 1994.3

Genital herpes infection also is more common among African Americans (45.9%) than among White Caucasian (17.6%).

Since the late 1970s, the number of Americans with genital herpes infection has increased 30%.

The largest increase of genital herpes is among young White teenagers.

Genital herpes infection is now five times more common in 12- to 19-year-old White adolescents.

Genital herpes is twice as common among young adults ages 20 to 29 than it was 20 years ago.

For more statistics on herpes please Click Here

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