didn’t have to stun gun the attacker away,
i asked for a cancellation fee and there wasn’t shit that he had to say…
Just Kidding. My good day today had NOTHING really to do with sex work directly because I wasn’t working at all. I spent the WHOLE DAY IN SELF CARE AND IT WAS WONDERFUL. I am the QUEEN of self care. I know how to love me. Why? Because I have lived a lifetime lacking LOVE from others. I have mostly been single, and I am the youngest black sheep child in a pretty normal Asian American family. (Lonely, no touching or I Love yous) This is NOT crying victim. This is accepting and taking pride in survival.
I had VICIOUS cramps the night before and bled through my sweat pants twice in one night. I am trying out my new Diva Cup which is not disposable like the Instead cup and you can’t have sex on it but it is more ECO FRIENDLY because you wash it and reuse it. When I woke up I thought there would be a dead fetus on my bed beside me it was so intense. I had ripped open one of those camping heat warmers and placed it directly on my womb and finally I was able to sleep. Immediately I dreamt of having a baby and I saw my potential future baby daddies, my gay male bff from elementary school and his new love of his life. They were both holding a hand of mine while I screamed in the worst pain that I had EVER EVER EVER EXPERIENCED. The room was filled with orange light which helped to calm me from the excruciating pain that I was feeling in my abdomen. But somehow I was achieving sleep comforted by remnants of dreams of the love and friendship I had felt from so many people in the SF Bay over the holiday vacation.
On Christmas I had spent my quality time with my mother for the obligatory few hours that we could have in common. She retreated to her room to read her bible, so I jumped on backpage to place escort ads on Christmas Day sort of out of shits and giggles as if anyone was going to really be worthy as a client on Christmas. I was inPhoenix, Arizona on Thanksgiving doing the same thing and it didn’t amount to anything. Why would Christmas be any different. It turned out this client was going to be me hitting “paydirt” my Christmas present. 4 days ago I was barely able to leave Southern California and I had resorted to painting my entire family of 10 small canvas paintings because 10 canvas boards were on sale at Michaels for $20 and I was going to be too broke to BUY these kids who had parents that could and probably would buy them whatever toy or material thing that they wanted. I was painting small portraits for the kids waiting for the phone to ring with my last client who would give JUST enough cash to pay for gas and a couple days in town before i’d have to go fishing again. I’d resorted to beg/texting some regulars or white list guys who were of course also broke and couldn’t help. Funny that my client calls ME his ‘paydirt” but er, i’m going to have to beg to differ. If 350,000 a year is a bad year then my lifetime goal is a piece of shit in Skid Row. (human shit, you know the kind that you squint at piled near the side of a building going, that’s human shit, no toilet paper just skid marks. real ones).
It’s funny that money really really has so much to do with my well being and sanity. I’d like to get out of this pattern, and it really doesn’t JUST depend on money, but money really DOES GET THE BALL ROLLING and it really does CREATE A BARRIER SO YOU CANNOT TRAVEL AS FAST AS YOU’D LIKE TO.
Today I FINALLY made a Western Medicine Asthma doctor’s appointment with the money I made from my Christmas Sugar Daddy Client. I told the receptionist I didn’t have insurance and that I was paying cash, and low and behold there was a 50% cash discount! Amazing. My appointment, prescriptions, treatment and all KINDS OF FREE SAMPLES including inhalers and a neti pot totalled $375 + $16 for parking so about $400.
I felt and breathed better instantly and it was like I WAS on one of those MIRACLES OF CHRIST shows where I am crippled and start walking again. Well, it’s the prednisone shot, which I used to get when I would have eczema flare ups in college. The problem with the prednisone is it is like COCAINE. It reduced inflammation and makes everything that ails you better (I mean everything asthma, eczema, nasal congestion and swelling just immediately HEALS). BUT THEN IT RETURNS and you go back to where you were but not as bad. So the cure is sort of like a false sense of hope and it ultimately frustrated me. I’m still only breathing in the machine at 48% the capacity of a non asthmatic after one day of treatment. But I’m sure it will only get better. My asthma has not been this bad in ten years. I never really needed an inhaler. I managed to survive throughout childhood without one. I tried but it was wasted on me. I found out today that they each cost $200! The doctor gave me two one month inhalers which I’ll probably end up using for 6 months.
I forgot that DOCTORS AND TEACHERS are the ultimate philanthropists. I am SO FUCKING BITTER. I forgot that there are givers like me, whose life calling and destiny it is to help others feel LESS PAIN IN LIFE. And they do this unconditionally easily if they can and at the expense of themselves sometimes if no one stops them.
I need to stop the bitterness. Maybe all the goodness that happened today was just a constant reminder of that.
So I make my appointment for the asthma doctor with a big smile because I learn that it is only going to be around $375 which is totally affordable to me and worth it as I have been coughing for 2.5 months and am sounding really really sick to a lot people around me. I tried to quit SMOKING the bong,pipe, joints or anything that burned and cut down my cannabis use by 2/3s for exactly that amount of time and there was very little improvement. In fact, the asthma ATTACK part is less severe when I smoke marijuana more frequently. the way that I cough is less severe to the lungs. I don’t feel like I am going to suffocate at the peak of the cough and I don’t get woken up at 6am coughing until 10am, which then makes me sometimes need to sleep til 1 or 2pm. I read that cannabis subdues a part of the brain that makes you cough like that. This is why they say smoking weed can be good for asthmatics.
I step out into 62 degree sunny Los Angeles (after battling the cold and A COLD in San Francisco’ and Renos freezing winter) and someone had found my prescription sunglasses that I had misplaced ($350) and left them on my front stoop! I was soo excited because I had also misplaced my regular glasses at this Christmas client’s house and we coud not find them anywhere either. So I was out of all sources of glasses for the entire week, leaving me dependent on my contacts which I really should limit to wearing 12 hours a day for optimum health and comfort. Yay! I wouldn’t have to spend money replacing my favorite prescription sunglasses. Thank you Good people of South Central LA for returning my glasses. maybe my neighbor or the weekly gardner, who are good people essentially.
Next was my drs appointment which just went great. I felt better after being hooked up to various machines and I inhaled steroids and they shot it in my butt cheek and the drugs did their Western medicine magic. I knew they would I just didn’t have the money to afford it and I knew it wouldn’t be like a $60 acupuncture treatment that I hoped would solve it. Or a $28 bottle of asthma pills at Whole Foods.
I ate a delicious vegan ‘chicken run ranch’ burger at my favorite college hangout Native Foods. I love to eat. Love to reward myself with food seratonin. It was getting late and I wasn’t going to get to see my favorite mechanic who had recently saved my engine. The check engine lite was on for some reason and it wasn’t lack of oil. I’d been driving a lot. From LA to Arizona to Vegas to SF to REno to LA. Phew. I love my Sasha Gray and she loves me. 2 new used tires recently. tomorrow we will wash her finally and take her to see why the engine light is on.
So the Plan B was Olympic Day Spa, my favorite womens only Korean soak massage ritual. I am a bath goddesss. Its part of the Japanese and Korean culture VERY strongly and not so much in the other ASian cutlures that I know of but still present. (When i was in Taiwan and China, Vietnam, Thailand it was hard to find bathhouses). I spent 2 hours soaking and splashing around. I got a 30 minute massage which i REALLY needed because I had actually THROWN OUT MY BACK COUGHING SO HARD on New Years Eve. I felt the vertebrae go up and down and walking all day the next day was a challenge. Add in all the drugs I did that week and you have yourself a wrecked hot mess. When I came home New Years Day I could barely move around Allyn’s tiny apartment. This was alllll about healing that mess. I met and have gotten along great with his new Vietnamese nail salon boyfriend and the three of us slept together them cuddling me too but allowing them their romantic space. We were 3 pigs in a blanket, a queen bed with a mattress foam pad that felt like heaven to my back after trying to party like I was 22 at the age of 34. When i come down from ecstasy, cuddling is such a part of the essential healing that i need and love. I think doing lots of e with my then best friends is what was so important to being a healed adult while I lived in San Francisco becoming an activist, a survivor, a sex worker…I exchanged love and healing that I needed so badly and we became so close as a result. I fell in LOVE with my best female friend because I thought, in the same way that escort clients think you love them, that this was real girlfriend for life potential. with Allyn and his boyfriend I am trying hard to see a family in our future because it is time for me to start thinking that way. I have to just jump and go. Or else I will be 40 and the chances of me doing this right are going to get slimmer. Especially since i want to keep using cannabis while pregnant. The 2/3 cut down experiment was part of that transition. I’ve regressed since, but I understand that limitation of use is possible with Passionflower pills as an anxiety substitute. I’m not going to beat myself up, i’m just going to try to think about how to bring a child into the world as a pot smoking, bisexual, polyamorous, jet setting, artist sex worker activist.
I was so happy to be exhaling in bliss my wheezing was not as present finally this time. I tried to use the spa treatment as the ONLY medicine a month ago. Trying to spend extra time in the hot and wet saunas as an alternative. But if the doctor gave me as much PREDNISONE as she did it was already in a state of URGENCY that I didn’t realize. I walked out of the doctors office with all my “free gifts” smiling and happy happy happy that I was able to breath so much better than when I came in AND that paying her the $375 check was nothing to me at the moment of my recent CASHOLA from Christmas.
I got my prescritions filled at a drugs store across from the One HOur Eyeglass place because I was going to need new glasses ASAP because I didn’t think i was going to find my lost ones. My mom gave me a spare jacket on christmas before I left her house and I found them in the pocket of THAT JACKET! I must have forgotten that I was wearing them, because Christmas client and I started out our date drinking champagne and I totally forgot that I had that jacket on during that night. I don’t usually do that many over night dates in a row. It throws off my sense of time and space completely because I am really a home baser. In the parking lot across the street from the eye glass place I find my glasses so I just saved myself $200 and 2 hours trying to get replacement prescription glasses!! What are the chance of finding your presrption sunglasses and glasses in the SAME DAY!!!?
AFter the spa, I asked one of my artist friends Saria Idania to meet for dinner so I could pick her brain about ideas on how to create a successfull one woman show. I had just decided to really try to kickstart my own one woman show writing this year and by going to Saria’s show I would be pressured and inspired enough to go home and write my own in time for my February booked gig at Long Beach State. I had no idea that she would offer to be the DIRECTOR of the show!! I was sooo happy because the process of looking for a director when I have never BEFORE HAD A DIRECTOR was a very very daunting process INDEED. We talked for hours and hours about ideas and activities and she gave me homework and I was so excited about life and art and motivation was surging through my veins….It is the essence of being an artist, this feeling. We already have a rehearsal schedule and a budget, and again paying her a reasonable fee for her time is now a doable prospect because of my recent client. Hallelujiah, perhaps the decision to attend her one woman show by myself on a Friday night that I had to work later was the greatest thing that I could have done in 2010.
And now I lay me down at 4am…
There are good and great people.
that LOVE ME.
I did a gig in LA and FOUR of my friends showed up! That’s a lot if you perform a lot. I was ELATED. I had just returned from SF and spent lots of time with my great friends, one of them a friend I had known SINCE KINDERGARTEN that I had never partied or done drugs with ever before. He thought the people at the End Up were “interesting” and he is trying to get me to take him to Burningman for the FIRST TIME. I haven’t gone in 6 years and i have gone to 5 total. One woman a sex worker activist from Thailand that I hadn’t seen in 6 years still sexy at 50 something telling me she’s going to come to LA and be a hoe with me! I took Scarlot Harlot, my dear whore mother to get her first pedicure! I met and bonded with many new boyfriends and girlfriends and even one that read this blog and decided as a result that she didn’t want to have anything to do with me. Oh well. Some people will never see my light. It’s ok. My gig last night was amazing. The venue was beautiful. I am enterting 2011 with hope, happiness, love, light, laughter, slow but sure health…xoxoxox year of the rabbit hop on hop on