I’m not attracted to penis photos.  Throbbing hard cock photos showing how long and hard and thick a man’s unit is? No.  I don’t know why it is, I guess it’s what it really feels like to be queer when you say, this basic thing about the opposite sex does nothing for me when I LOOK at it.

That is to say, having it pounding inside of me is a whole different story.  And sucking them, I love.  Yes, I do.  Giving a blowjob in a condom and having a man come inside my mouth in a condom is the best feeling ever.  For those very special and few men in my life, swallowing their ejaculate is a sign of love and commitment to the act in my eyes.  This is much more rare, than the condom blowjob, which I feel like I have to love in order to do it as often as I do.  Even in relationships I barely swallow.  Thus, the reason why I could never be a porn star.  My porn star friend likes the taste of cum.  You have to like aspects of your job, it’s really important if it’s the basics of the job and happens every day that you work.

I think I definitely like good looking pussy more.  I look at Jenna Jameson’s pussy for instance and I think, god, I’d love to eat her pussy…I have porn mag pages in my kitchen w/ naked women and pussy all over but since I was 19 I stopped fantasizing about penis or men’s 6 packs or their hard bodies on my wall on in my bed.  I would think it had to something with being sexually assaulted multiple times, but that started at 17 and by 19 I had already had my trust violated a number of times by men and still had these underwear photos showing guys in their 2xist underwear on my wall when I was in college.  I remember one guy commenting on them, before he broke my heart, used me for sex and gave me the hard lesson that “dating” for most college guys did not mean monogamy.  Was it all of the bad experiences that created a cognitive behavioral BLOCK?  Is it possible to make someone GAY or straight by showing them pictures of dick or pussy and seeing if there is a reaction?  Can you get the sensation of excitement back once it is gone?  If this were true then all the “Straight Washing camps” for gay kids would have worked right?

So what’s yer problem then lady? Says the obnoxious rude male stripper.

i feel nothing when i look at these guys, maybe anxiety and the desire to leave the room

I’m not attracted to male strippers.  The male ego is something that I detest.  But at the same time, perhaps it’s a love hate thing because I DO tend to get into these abusive relationships with machismo Latin guys.  So I hate this thing about them, but then I find myself drawn to it, comforted by aspects of it.  I can only think that the aspects of contrast are the things that I am most attracted to.  I like being kissed softly on my forehead when a man greets me.  I like being called sweetie by my boyfriends…

Male strippers don’t usually do those things, they’re all show, all physique all rock hard in your face thrusting, “dancing”..

So if you have someone like me who is attracted to being fucked really hard, but not physically attracted to the male physique it’s kind of a hard nut to crack on me, you see…

The male stripper troupes ala Chippendales and The Men Down Under are all showboys FULL OF EGO.  These are guys who lift weights in front of the mirror at the gym (not at home) in front of others to be SEEN worshipping themselves.  These are guys who have mirrors in their bedrooms so they can watch THEMSELVES fucking you to turn themselves on…

One of my clients turned free date (I know, I have to stop dating my clients, but I’m busy, it’s super easy, convenient and why stop when the ball is in my court?) was an EX male stripper from Seattle.  One of the best in the U.S or the state, he supposedly “invented” a certain move.  Sounds cliche, like “Blue Steel” in  Zoolander, BUT IT WAS TRUE.  He really talked this way!  He would start to go off about these credentials and I would laugh or change the subject.  He was 5’6″, total napoleon complex,  had a reseeding hairline and hadn’t stripped for a decade or more (like me) and was now focusing on being a real actor like everyone else in LA.

He paid me for sex.  This makes him a client.  He was an obnoixious asshole that crossed a line with me, which relegates him down to the title of TRICK.  (Client is a respected term).

He had just gone on a getaway trip w/ a Filipino widower to some tropical island for the weekend, where she was paying his way for his non sexual companionship to look at property that she was going to buy.  All the women he dated were Asian.  He was an Asiaphile complete w/ a colonizers mindset.  “Oh, they’re so cute, I want to just collect them all!” he said referring to my friends in a video together…WTF, are you part of the conquering  crew of Columbus or what?  Why I kept giving him more time with me was really beyond me.

He was telling me about his trip w/ Pinay Diva Heiress and we were talking about what women want in a male escort.  He was agreeing UNTIL the point where I told him that I should get him up on a panel to talk about being a male sex worker cuz lots of guys ask me how they could do what I do but for women.  At that point he started raising his voice and going off about how he was NOT a sex worker, he didn’t have sex, he was not a prostitute, not that he thought anything badly of it.  He was going to be a GREAT actor someday, blah blah blah.

“Okay, you are SHOUTING.” I said.” You need to calm down.”

I was about to go into a restaurant to eat.  He was still barking somethings as the waitress came to my table to take my order and I put the phone down to order.  Perhaps I hung it up.  Probably.  I didn’t really care to continue getting shouted at nevertheless and that was my KNEE JERK reaction to him.

This would happen in my previous relationships.  I don’t usually shout back and forth.  I hang up.  We can continue this conversation when you are calm.  Maybe I get it from my mom.  She loves to hang up on me when things get heated.  Or before they get heated.  She just loves to hang up on me.  This is why I barely called her in my adult life.

He then texts: I don’t appreciate being hung up on.  It’s rude and I don’t care for it…Please don’t call me anymore.

Wow.  I thought.  That’s how you end your “romantic” affairs with people?  That really leaves no room for growth on you, the offenders part.  Of course, he would think that I was the offensive one for hanging up on him, but it’s just a boundary that I have with men.  I don’t sit there and take abuse.  No mas.  No violencia por favor.  Solo pasion y amor.   Ironically this guy was a Spanish speaker and technically Latino although he looked white and passed as white in Hollywood and actually thought that the fact that I thought he was white was a compliment, like he “fit in.”  (Oh, I have white priviledge?  That’s a good thing, right?)

For some reason, I wasn’t thinking that I would stop talking to him that day, but since he put it that way, and asked me to not call him anymore, I thought about my last words to him.

Me: You are a trick and a whore and you know it.  And that’s why u mad at me..

Zoolander: Cause you say so? That  makes me that? I don’t fuck for money but I’m a whore, makes a lot of sense.

I was ready to just eat my tempura udon alone in peace and drop him without ANY sad thoughts.  I tried to reason it out and tell him that stripping WAS a form of sex work before he started shouting, and definitely going to an island with someone as a male companion was ALSO a form of sex work, whether or not you have penetration or intercourse makes it a more obvious form of sex work but strippers who think that they are BETTER than prostitutes because they DON’T fuck are clueless, as are those ACTORS and ACTRESSES that think that the ways in which they SELL THEMSELVES is somehow BETTER than how the average escort sells herself are also living with a false sense of superiority, thinly covered by a latex condom.  I think the last thing I heard him shouting before I hung up was,”I was one of the BEST strippers in Seattle, I’ve been a stripper wayyyy longer than you Mariko…” CLICK.  Oops.

Actually, being a whore is not an insult coming from me.  It’s an HONOR.  If I call you a TRICK on the other hand, I’m just throwing the fact that you have a COCK and you have to PAY for your pussy in case you forgot and thought you were better than “all the other guys.”

Oh men and masculinity.  What to do with it.  Capitalize on it, that’s what!  Otherwise, it would simply get the best of me I think.

I took this as a sign of success for me actually.  I won’t let guys who date me raise their voices at me for no good reason.  I hang up on those guys.   And if they want to break up with me or cut me off for their behavior then goodbye goodbye goodbye.

(I also found out in my last relationship that I won’t let men threaten to kill or hurt me, even if they are wasted or “just kidding.”  I break up with those guys immediately as well.  Premature I love yous are a form of emotional abuse.  Name calling and Verbal abuse is also not tolerated more than once, even if the words are coming from a high rolling sugar daddy giving me lots of cash…)

It’s good to know that I’m not just automatically jumping back into another pattern unaware, although I did talk to this fool for about 2 weeks…He did fuck me really good and I think that’s what I kept him around for.

He didn’t want to be called a trick or admit that we met because I was his escort once, but everything about how he wanted to interact with me was keeping himself in client status: impersonal and distant.  This is why when things ended it was super easy to not miss him.

We had never kissed.  The second time we fucked I made him cuddle me a little but it felt like such a stretch for him.   He didn’t kiss me, he didn’t want to sleep over.  Its as if he wanted to keep himself in DICK ONLY status.  It was fine for me for the time being, but wouldn’t be for long since, I am not a huge fan, as I’ve mentioned of just DICK.

I told him the next time he wanted to do that he would be REQUIRED to sleep here.

HIM: Ha.  We’ll see about that. He said.

I wasn’t kidding.  I have strict rules about free sexers treating me like I’m an escort.  Very strict rules.  There is no hitting it and quitting it without paying in my “real” life.  I need intimacy and affection, lots of it.  If you are willing to give this in all the right ways, then I will be delivering my pussy to your door, but if not, then you find me saying rude comments about how I should be charging your ass for this.

This is not a joke, this is real.  This is what I have learned in all 13 years of hustling in this game as a SEX WORKER of different occupations, stripping included.

There are women out there who will act like a prostitute for free, but not this one.

I am approaching 35 and feel so content with the knowledge I’ve gained since being that naïve girl of 19 hoping that this dude would call me, wondering why he didn’t call me, etc.

I was the “perfect” match for his ego I suppose.  I hated male strippers.  I always have.  When I was 22 for one Christmas my sisters and their boyfriends and I went to a stripclub in San Francisco, and one of their boyfriends bought me a lapdance.  God I think I was in heaven in that $20 lapdance room full of womens bodies grinding…I was a new baby stripper but also a baby dyke and this was my coming out to my family party in many ways.

I looove female strippers though, I’m allll into them.  I am physically attracted to female bodies more.  I love tits and hips and ass.  I love everything about women’s bodies, smells, softness.  I guess because when you walk up to the stage of a female stripper with a dollar she doesn’t lift you up and wrap your legs around her and start mock pounding you against the wall.  You’d think I’d really be into that since I’m into the hard pounding fuck in reality.  Technicalities of attraction are weird, I know.  I am into sexually aggressive females though, and fighter chics do turn me on and maybe if a female stripper did that same move I might be turned on, maybe not.  Female strippers don’t usually do those moves.

I’m on adultfriendfinder again looking to get laid and all these guys have profiles with their cocks.  I put that I am attracted to women too, but of course, solo women are not usually on sex sites looking for pussy, unless they have boyfriends.   Some guys don’t even include their face photos in their profiles or emails.  I ignore those automatically.  If you are the kind of guy who is going to approach me stroking your cock then you might want to try the dudes at the gay spa down the street for a reaction cuz you aint getting it from me.

I like odd physical characteristics of masculinity.  I like to watch ab muscles flex but only as I’m getting fucked really hard.  I like the pulsing of veins on an arm but only as a man finger bangs my pussy…I LIKE men. I just don’t like dick photos.  Or looking at dick. Or talking about it really…This is what distinguishes me from most of the other straight girls.  When they start talking about dick, I can’t relate.  But when I start talking about how much dick I’ve actually had, these straight girls can’t relate to me, only gay guys can, and that’s why I’m friends with more gay guys than straight girls.  This is also what makes me perfectly content being a queer.


  1. February 23, 2011 at 4:45 am

    LOL. So true. I hate being sent cock shots.

    I’ve been meaning to comment here or email you for some time now. I like your work a lot. You’re totally honest about some pretty personal issues, which I respect the hell out of you for. You and I both know damn well that many sex workers do certain things and feel certain ways but you’re one of the only ones with the balls to talk about it. I think I came across your blog when researching an upcoming post on sex workers and relationships and found your post concerning the Eminem/Rihanna collaberation which hit very close to home, but that’s another conversation for another day. I also appreciated your petition on Change.org, I think my friend Dave emailed you about that a couple weeks back…

    Anyways, I think some of my ideas and some of yours might someday work very well together. I hope you don’t mind if I add your blog to my blogroll. Keep in touch 🙂

    Kelly James

  2. 2 guavajellyfish
    March 24, 2011 at 3:21 am

    Mariko, I love you, please update!

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