Archive for April, 2017

26
Apr
17

Thegoddess and the sub-marine. Okinawa 2017.

​It IS possible to LOVE without attachment. AND, it is possible to heal while healing others.  The feminine/receptive client should usually receive more. But i just found out this was not always so.

Perhaps, the Tantra goddess LOVE in session can be compared to a foster parent who adopts and cares for a baby for a couple weeks and cries with sadness as it is removed knowingly. We knew this would end like this but its still heartbreaking.  A hole in my heart seems to be rapidly closing as i write this so i wanted to exposit….
How could you have really LOVED that client? Thats not “real love.”   I love all my Tantra clients, even if im not attracted to them.   This one however i was madly physically attracted to from the moment we first skyped and it made our sessions take a deeper dive immediately. I LONG TO BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE I LOVE AND WHO LOVES ME. its our deepest primal nature.  My agreement in sessions is to always open heart energy.  Indeed we heal each other from this moment consciously.  Ive been doing it with glee for 4 years.  So then, add someone who is both dominant AND submissive, an officer and a gentleman, willing to serve and respect and be teachable?  “Im here to support thegoddess in anyway she needs.”  LOVE-ly right?  This is how they fell in love in Miss Saigon too and why this whole thing was a running ironic joke for me. And im now “on my own pretending hes beside me” like Les Mis.

Ive found that i act as a temporary girlfriend and coach to these men. Some relationships are clearly 1000 degrees hotter than others and its not something any of us can control or predict. This sub-marine served as a temporary boyfriend for me simultaneously because that was the current need i had and one of the only ones possible from a distance.  But as we got closer to meeting…he would distance and want to evacuate.  This happened at the airport on my way to Naha and then finally the other nite he expressed his final desire to eject and i let him go cordially and with grace.

But i sure wanted to crawl on my belly thru a barbed wire JUNGLE of logic crying for him to take me back to beg him to love me more.  Because…our agreement which was annihilated was that he would sub for me and then switch and i would sub for him. So i longed for completion. And part of me still does.
Youd think getting paid to not finish work would be satisfying but its not. It feels like failure and a bunch of what did i dos and how can i fix it ring in your head.
In a dating profile sense, a career military white non Japanese speaking guy in Japan is pretty much the opposite of what i seek in a partner but because we work with love energy and practical content for a short period we can suspend the things we desire in a “real relationship.” and this is why it is so effective.  My work has ALWAYS gotten me in bed with people I would never usually date in the “real world.” Yet,  how i can LOVE so many of these opposites without even  intercourse occuring.  He paid a lot to love me and to receive my love and teachings, and he never even had an orgasm. I thought that was going to keep him. But it doesnt keep the avoidant detacher.  Sometimes even penetration is too much intimacy. They are least comfortable in actual closeness. So perhaps serving a regular more cruel femme domme would be safer for him because she certainly wouldnt shower him with love and kisses and compliments, but thats not the way i dominate.  I try to make all my work also serve me in some way so that it is more than a transaction. Its an adventure. 😉

Reading about relationship styles (secure/anxious/avoidant) last nite helped me process intellectually. Cord cutting helped spiritually. Breathing into forward motion. Still loving. I remember the lesson making love with an army nurse in Seattle taught me about loving without attachment even if it makes you cry as you leave IS possible. And mutually healing. And better with condoms so no Bui doi are conceived.  Just sex magical union for as long as you have each other. And dating after these session quickly changes the dynamic, but of course Ive done it many a time.  maybe thats where i went wrong. But ill never not be a work in progress. I could have been MORE HEALTHY. Nah… too late.

Our souls FIRST REALLY BEGAN OUR UNION when I was 15 with my bffs brother on spring break in Hawaii. He was also gorgeous to gaze at and gave me more loving than id felt in a while.Talked in love on expensive phone calls for 2 mos, bought him a ticket to CA and he practically broke up with me at the airport just like sub-marine. My first avoidant detacher HEART BREAK TRAUMA. if i knew then what i know now…

So, my submarine session can heal that wound and the teenage girl who didnt understand why and what she did (nothing). Because 3 yrs later at 19, also a 18yo military man by then, the two saw each other again at the bffs house in LA and reunited in casual and heartless sex at night and sexual assault in the morning in her search for healing her 15 year old. Instead receiving Double trauma.

These experiences have made me the LOVER i am today.  And i didnt get to being the open hearted goddess dominant without first being an abusive angry vengeful bitch. But blame and scorn of this boy and other boys and other men did not work either. And it certaily did it heal anyone involved or undo any past trauma, in fact it poisoned me.  So i learned how to CONSCIOUSLY HEAL because for decades before that i was seeking healing but not conscious it was having the opposite effect.
And so if i call him and cry and submit to my past wounds this week, you will have to forgive me. I will have to forgive me too. But it seems less and less that thats the way this story is going to end.

To be continued




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