Archive for October, 2017

29
Oct
17

When Theft of Services Equals Rape and When Reframing is Better than Blaming and Going Aileen Wuornos on a Motherfucker

Amidst the #metoo incidents of Hollywood sexual violence I am working as a Love goddess in Seattle, doing my best to fundraise some lost income and property that got stolen out of a car in Los Angeles because I was negligent. It’s my third time to work as a Tantra practitioner in Seattle, every time I have come, it’s been a great, profitable and life changing experience. And again it did not fail me. I was fortunate enough to see more clients in two weeks than I had the opportunity to see in Japan all year since, in Japan, I don’t get to have the same type of business model as I used to when I worked in the U.S so it is always a great opportunity to brush up my skills and work on lots of new seekers bodies. I’ve been working as a professional goddess for over four years now, evolved and inclusive of the seventeen years of total work history in the field of sexuality. 7 of these years I was an escort and a self proclaimed whore revolutionary sex worker activist. In the seven years that I worked, fought, spoke for and rallied with fellow sex workers I became immersed in the ideology and framework of the movement and it became the passion that woke me up in the morning and fueled me through the sometimes grueling and dangerous profession that I called my job. I have since then been extremely happy to have moved beyond all of it without entirely closing the door to how it formed me as the LOVE WORKER that writes this blog now. I tell my seekers that call my phone that Tantra is not just a catchphrase i put in my ad, and i that love is not just a euphemism for fuck or happy ending, i actually genuinely, spiritually, fully engage in LOVE MAKING and sharing with clients which usually does not include intercourse or any of the standard acronyms of prostitution that many men on Backpage might be familiar with (GFE, BBBJ, etc).  And amazing people pay me great money for it as well.  But, because of my vast history, i’m aware of what they might be referring to and can lovingly redirect them to a referral who would better serve their needs.

In order to book an appointment, I require a small deposit to show me that the seeker is serious. This time, upon suggestion from another sex worker, i try to use G**gleWallet to accept my deposit. I usually require just $50 which goes towards the session and I didn’t think twice when the client wanted to send $250 instead of $50. I get an email from G**gle that says,”$250 is being deposited into your bank account.” which means to me as a business owner that I can feel safe to facilitate a paid session.

I saw him the next morning and collected the balance in cash and proceeded to create my 2 hour of magic and love. There was nothing suspicious or ingenuine about this client, we had a beautiful session, I tapped into his God energy and everything ended in a beautiful way.

Sometime in the next day, I am checking my bank balance and realizing that the money hasn’t hit and then I call the company to check and see if there is a delay for some reason. Ggle tells me that the sender can actually cancel the payment even after the email that they sent me has been sent. They tell me that this service is not a safe way to collect money from strangers off the internet and that it should only be used for friends and family (as if friends and family never rip people off).

7 years of being a vengeful, righteous whore revolutionary rose up from the fire of my root to the top of my consciousness and i remembered all the times as a sex worker that i had been ripped off and shorted by escort clients. I was mostly surprised that i was being confronted with these feelings when the way that i had constructed my life, the decisions i made, the clients that i chose and who chose me, the work that i did, the vibration was supposed to be all different now. But, I had gotten ripped off in a similar way from a Tantra coaching client in May whom i had coached for several hours too long for no promised pay received. My live work roommate in Seattle had just talked to me about a time when she was working in New York City and a similar thing had happened and she had “felt raped’ and couldn’t work the rest of her tour because she just felt extremely depressed and violated. I had just read a blog by Lily Fury explaining why she had recently created a devastating fundraising fraud upon the sex worker community all in an attempt to get a bad client blacklisted for what she felt was rape and not theft of services. “he was a client who had shortchanged me (that is, had raped me) when I was desperate after just getting out of jail.” Sex workers and women in general have righteous anger and history about rape and sexual violence not being named for what it is and not being punished equally or justly, so it seems in retaliation to the systems that have failed and ignored them, many of them seem to have started using the words theft of services and rape interchangeably. Since leaving the sex worker rights movement about two years ago to focus on spiritual sexual self growth and other community frameworks, the thing that has stood out to me most, the thing that I was also guilty of was that self determined sex workers HATE being called victims, unless it is them doing the victim name calling on their own situations. (To be cont)

04
Oct
17

Edging on Survival

I’m in an airport again. I am migrating towards one light of hope in the city of Seattle. I am meditating with fierce intention sitting on this plane.  The thumb and two fingers are folded in a mudra that calls upon the Hindu money god Kunberra, seen in some popular culture movies as a lucky three finger rub done to entice money.  My mudra is in front of my solar plexus. My power center. I am trying to regulate calm in the way i always do when i am in these kinds of situations. And its often. Someday of course, maybe this time, I won’t be so lucky. I’m not lucky. Im blessed and guided.  I have manifested miracle after miracle and defied the impossible again and again. I laughed at one social media survey that asked the number of times I’ve nearly died.  The person who answered before me put 0 and my number is definitely 3-5. Phew. I know a lot about near death I realized.  And many of these incidents were my fault and perhaps could have all been avoided. If i were a different person on a different journey.  Why am I alive? Luck?? No. Something better is planned for me.

But ladies and gentlemen, Can she do it yet again??

The thing that helps to sooth me are thoughts of HOW many times this fire has been turned up to the highest flame and i somehow miraculously by some magic wand from above have been saved at the last minute. In the nick of time, on my last thirty dollars to my name before running out.

In comes a generous email or two with a proposal. A sign of exactly how blessed and guided I truly am, a sign of how I am on the right path.

The trick is not only hope and prayer but deliberate and consistent moves forward and keeping blame and fear and self judgment OUT of the brain.

For the last two weeks I have felt like the old lady sitting at the Reno slot machine putting in dimes all day after day hoping for a win in the City of Angels but getting nothing but a short surge of break even coins and then the same monotony of refilling empty nothing but smoke and dreams in the suddenly wrong marketplace for thegoddess at this time.

But my last trip to LA was so fucking prosperous! How could this happen? Well, it doesn’t take long to recall that this frustration at the LA market has happened before. It was an endless unpredictable feast to famine cycle that I lived.

It was uncanny how i got out of the country leaving a trail of left behind possessions on the street and in my apartment that I lived and loved in for 11 years in South Central LA.  I moved out of the U.S to Japan with 2 overweight bags, a guitar, no plan, no visa and no support on the ground. I had $600 in my bank account when i finally arrived in Narita International (money I made in Seattle 2016). I picked a hostel at random and remember sending all my bags to be delivered there.  It was a death defying feat in my mind, one that was filled with doors opening again and again making the impossible possible. I imagined that I was jumping to my death by going  to Japan.  But i was actually parachuting into my growth.

Today I am going back to Seattle hoping for the same wonderful turnaround of finances. For some reason things were sparse in LA this time for work. I invested ad money in all the outlets I knew but it felt like the old days living in LA before Japan…gambling on the backpage with my last ten dollars hoping hoping hoping.

I have endured being thoroughly scolded by a man and his bitchy roomate who has provided some of my support structure. In the last few days Ive had to cling to his schedule like a codependent barnacle and go with him where he needed to go in the city so that if a seeker called I would have access to his car to drive to a session.  He is letting me stay at his house for a few days as well. He paid for me to go to Seattle. Not a gift, payment to leave him alone.  Not hostile just guilt and shame ridden but who was I to complain? I deserved most of his chiding in exchange for his assistance. I admitted I fucked up over and over this time. Ive been irresponsible and angered and inconvenienced people because of my recklessness.  There is a 12 step group called “Underearners Anonymous” who like the other 12 step groups are told to apologize to those who have been hurt by our addictions. I am made to believe that I am an abusive absent minded pot head sex worker who dug my own grave and he was bailing me out again.  Am i addicted to underearning OR overachieving without a backup plan? Since i survived the first cliff jump, and the 2nd and the 3rd, i have grown faithful.

I need to pay him back. This is my spiritual assignment but…he will take a position behind the other people I owe money who came before him so I dont promise anything out loud. He expects me to disappoint like every other pathetic girl he has helped in this way in the past. But I dont want to be like them….

I have moved forward. I am not going back. I am not the same person i was.

Late nite after midnite calls that ring, impolite and mysterious, definitely not going to screened by me type of caller.  I made my living for 4 years working the after hours LA unscreened male population 12am-4am sometimes 6am feeding mostly drug addicts their bit of instant gratification and love but that was years, seemingly lifetimes ago.

I spoke to a potential seeker and just decided after 2 minutes I wasn’t going to go back even if I was on my last ten dollars.  I know who is behind the doors in these late night unscreened phone hours and i must go forward in faith not fear and desperation.

I am on a plane to Seattle. The first time i made the journey i DROVE in the snow from LA!! I was also fearing death then, it was the same please please let this work vibe…and at the other side was blossoms into my Tantra practice.  The second time Seattle gave me seeds to take to Japan. And this time I embrace the unknown yet again. Maybe thats my addiction.  




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