Archive for October 4th, 2017

04
Oct
17

Edging on Survival

I’m in an airport again. I am migrating towards one light of hope in the city of Seattle. I am meditating with fierce intention sitting on this plane.  The thumb and two fingers are folded in a mudra that calls upon the Hindu money god Kunberra, seen in some popular culture movies as a lucky three finger rub done to entice money.  My mudra is in front of my solar plexus. My power center. I am trying to regulate calm in the way i always do when i am in these kinds of situations. And its often. Someday of course, maybe this time, I won’t be so lucky. I’m not lucky. Im blessed and guided.  I have manifested miracle after miracle and defied the impossible again and again. I laughed at one social media survey that asked the number of times I’ve nearly died.  The person who answered before me put 0 and my number is definitely 3-5. Phew. I know a lot about near death I realized.  And many of these incidents were my fault and perhaps could have all been avoided. If i were a different person on a different journey.  Why am I alive? Luck?? No. Something better is planned for me.

But ladies and gentlemen, Can she do it yet again??

The thing that helps to sooth me are thoughts of HOW many times this fire has been turned up to the highest flame and i somehow miraculously by some magic wand from above have been saved at the last minute. In the nick of time, on my last thirty dollars to my name before running out.

In comes a generous email or two with a proposal. A sign of exactly how blessed and guided I truly am, a sign of how I am on the right path.

The trick is not only hope and prayer but deliberate and consistent moves forward and keeping blame and fear and self judgment OUT of the brain.

For the last two weeks I have felt like the old lady sitting at the Reno slot machine putting in dimes all day after day hoping for a win in the City of Angels but getting nothing but a short surge of break even coins and then the same monotony of refilling empty nothing but smoke and dreams in the suddenly wrong marketplace for thegoddess at this time.

But my last trip to LA was so fucking prosperous! How could this happen? Well, it doesn’t take long to recall that this frustration at the LA market has happened before. It was an endless unpredictable feast to famine cycle that I lived.

It was uncanny how i got out of the country leaving a trail of left behind possessions on the street and in my apartment that I lived and loved in for 11 years in South Central LA.  I moved out of the U.S to Japan with 2 overweight bags, a guitar, no plan, no visa and no support on the ground. I had $600 in my bank account when i finally arrived in Narita International (money I made in Seattle 2016). I picked a hostel at random and remember sending all my bags to be delivered there.  It was a death defying feat in my mind, one that was filled with doors opening again and again making the impossible possible. I imagined that I was jumping to my death by going  to Japan.  But i was actually parachuting into my growth.

Today I am going back to Seattle hoping for the same wonderful turnaround of finances. For some reason things were sparse in LA this time for work. I invested ad money in all the outlets I knew but it felt like the old days living in LA before Japan…gambling on the backpage with my last ten dollars hoping hoping hoping.

I have endured being thoroughly scolded by a man and his bitchy roomate who has provided some of my support structure. In the last few days Ive had to cling to his schedule like a codependent barnacle and go with him where he needed to go in the city so that if a seeker called I would have access to his car to drive to a session.  He is letting me stay at his house for a few days as well. He paid for me to go to Seattle. Not a gift, payment to leave him alone.  Not hostile just guilt and shame ridden but who was I to complain? I deserved most of his chiding in exchange for his assistance. I admitted I fucked up over and over this time. Ive been irresponsible and angered and inconvenienced people because of my recklessness.  There is a 12 step group called “Underearners Anonymous” who like the other 12 step groups are told to apologize to those who have been hurt by our addictions. I am made to believe that I am an abusive absent minded pot head sex worker who dug my own grave and he was bailing me out again.  Am i addicted to underearning OR overachieving without a backup plan? Since i survived the first cliff jump, and the 2nd and the 3rd, i have grown faithful.

I need to pay him back. This is my spiritual assignment but…he will take a position behind the other people I owe money who came before him so I dont promise anything out loud. He expects me to disappoint like every other pathetic girl he has helped in this way in the past. But I dont want to be like them….

I have moved forward. I am not going back. I am not the same person i was.

Late nite after midnite calls that ring, impolite and mysterious, definitely not going to screened by me type of caller.  I made my living for 4 years working the after hours LA unscreened male population 12am-4am sometimes 6am feeding mostly drug addicts their bit of instant gratification and love but that was years, seemingly lifetimes ago.

I spoke to a potential seeker and just decided after 2 minutes I wasn’t going to go back even if I was on my last ten dollars.  I know who is behind the doors in these late night unscreened phone hours and i must go forward in faith not fear and desperation.

I am on a plane to Seattle. The first time i made the journey i DROVE in the snow from LA!! I was also fearing death then, it was the same please please let this work vibe…and at the other side was blossoms into my Tantra practice.  The second time Seattle gave me seeds to take to Japan. And this time I embrace the unknown yet again. Maybe thats my addiction.  




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