Because you don’t like sex

I had met a cute Filipino American guy in a Tokyo club that I thought I got along with in conversation.  He seemed to have a white inferiority complex that he mentioned more than once, which is something that I know to be a familiar thing with some Filipinos, having grown up in a majority Filipino American community in the San Francisco Bay Area.   “He has better luck than me,”he said pointing to his white American friend,”but he doesn’t think so.”  I had tried to drop the hint that I’d go on dates with him, but two times that I saw him in a row he didn’t contact me after I gave him my contact information.  His white friend was pretty smitten with me, sat by my stage when I was dancing but I wasn’t at all interested in him even though I could easily act like I liked him as a very experienced burlesque performer.  When I asked him why he didn’t contact me when I saw him again, he told me,”because you don’t like sex.”  It was an interesting analysis of the time that we had spent together, mostly in a group of friends talking at a club and then eating noodles at 5am on our way to the train station to get the first train home.  I was informally sharing my Tantra knowledge on male ejaculation to the three young non Japanese men at the noodle shop surrounding me.  I was go go dancing on a pole all night the next weekend and naturally flowing in my sexual energy in a way that he could not recognize.  And if it was true that his white friend was somehow superior in the dating world in Japan then why was it that I wasn’t attracted him?  Could it be because he was waiting, like me for an ideal woman that he had created in his mind  and that I just didn’t fit that bill so saying that “I must not like sex” was a story that he told himself about me.  I was fine with his decision in the end.  It didn’t hurt me at all.  I just felt like it was another interesting experience unable to find my mirror being reflected in most people that I meet in Japan.  There was another Indian guy who followed me to this club that night.  I had to get him to calm down his flirtations because I was also not attracted to him.  So I suppose that the story that I’d been telling myself, that “I’m just not hot in Japan.” was also a lie.  It just seemed like the people that I have been wishing to attract were not attracted to me and anyone else that came in front of this ideal person who had yet to arrive didn’t really make a difference to me.  They seemed to me to be in my way and I wanted to clear my path asap.   In this way, when we are alone, it is true sometimes that we actually choose this.  I know for me, that I have no desire to be with anyone just to not be alone.  Even though I long to be cuddled and held bodily and emotionally, I won’t be able to surrender to a body that doesn’t speak my vibrational language of love.  Love languages are very important to me.  I have even found a niche teaching this to English learners here in Japan to blend my Tantra coaching and English teaching and make it fit into my skillset and passion.  My Tantra teacher says that women access sex from the head down to the genitals while men access sexual desire from the genitals up to the head last.  This explains why women need conversation and connection before they feel like they can open their legs.  This last weekend a wild swinger couple was visiting a group of friends in Japan from Australia.  The man was trying to swoop me into a threesome with is wife so I could be their new unicorn on their visit to Japan.  I wasn’t attracted to him either.  He spoke of his big dick and how much he liked sex and how he actually wasn’t Tantric.  He liked to fuck.  I told him that it was possible to fuck as a Tantrika, but I understood what he meant.  “I like to cum.” he said.  “A lot.”  I didn’t absorb his energy.  It slides off me the way that many years of male seekers with their dicks out have over the decades of my professional experiences.  It’s not that I don’t like sex.  It’s that I don’t bond with the physical without the spiritual and emotional.   I’ve known since my days of being a whore that I wasn’t that slutty.  And now that I was no longer a whore then there was just the goddess underlying in her queendom. 

Maybe it’s like some foodies who don’t want to eat food unless it has certain side dishes or sauces with it.  My chosen daughter used to say if she had a taco without hot sauce then she would just throw it away.  “Why even eat it?” she told me and I would laugh every time.  The Asian equivalent is usually the need for rice with certain dishes.  These aren’t accents or extras, they actually make the dish make sense for us.  It was interesting because I had in my mind that I would go to a sex club, or a happening bar as it is called in Japan and see if maybe I might meet someone that I could connect and have sex with that night but our group of friends gravitated towards a karaoke bar and decided to just keep drinking and singing.  Sex for me is not a carnal need anymore, connection is.  The swinger couple described themselves as a “traveling sex club” with skills such as total polyamory in an open and loving marriage, and each of them had qualities that made them interesting to hang out with and fun people to sing karaoke with but beyond that there was nothing.  Big dick and polyamory are definitely not my love or sex language, and I suppose I would have fucked with them if we were in a play space but since we weren’t it was harder for me to feel open to their flirtations because I wasn’t going to go home with them.  I just wasn’t interested.  Why did I want to go to the happening bar then?  To meet and connect with people that I may find attractive of course.  It made perfect sense to me but I wasn’t attached to the idea either.   In fact, I guess that I haven’t been attracted to at least the last 15 or so suitors that have been attracted to me, but nothing is wrong with me, I see people passing by in Tokyo that I find attractive often enough.   One of my good friends in Japan is a demisexual who needs to be emotionally connected before having sexual activity but in comparison to her, I knew that I can sometimes mate with people much quicker if I allow myself to open up, and I can have one night stands and play with strangers at sex parties if I feel inspired.   Sometimes random sexy things happen.  But I am now in my 40s and I definitely know that my body chemistry has changed.  Lust doesn’t occur unless I see someone I am attracted to physically and it seems like it is either instant and wildly primal or a very slow simmer.  I can look like I am still in my 20s when I go out in Japan and lots of young guys have tried to hit on me for quick sex.  I still don’t feel it.  There isn’t a MILF porn fantasy engine that turns on, and I don’t feel any sudden insatiable need to fuck them because they are 20 years younger than me.   Sexual energy is organic and all around us and is slower to absorb and more genuine and sustainable, this is the course of action I take.  There is a difference.  If I feel that I am being received and seen then I can easier be turned on, and once that happens then we can fuck.  If my energy is not received or reciprocated in a respectful way then I don’t continue with my thoughts.  There is no unrequited love for me, i can detach from crushes quite easily.   Talking about how big your dick is or how good you think you are never ever worked on me.  It almost has the opposite effect, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like sex.  

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