Archive for February, 2018


Suspended p1

tumblr_musx1vL9gE1qiz6eho1_500So last night, I experienced my first suspension bondage and it felt great. It was an extremely Tantric sexual energy experience. My meditation skills extremely useful, breathing in and out, releasing boundaries by being bonded, giving total trust in a safe container, endurance of any discomfort which leads to peace and flow, the feeling of weightlessness in your body and mind.  Your nose is not really itchy.  Relax.  It too will pass.   It was something like a symbolic ritual for how I feel about living in Japan. Great admiration to those who can hold this for hours or do other sexual activities during this…the Tantric part of it is that it is enough in itself. There is a distinct RISE, CLIMAX and release. Every moment is beautiful as it is. Moment to moment breathing and loving.  When you look at this photo, do you imagine how she actually feels?  Can you imagine what sensations she feels?  Everyone in the bar has their eyes on me, but I am not doing it for them.  I came to Japan to experience underground culture at its finest and all its grotesque realities.  I’ve come to a place as a goddess to an island that was just opened to outside contact not more than 165 years ago.   They cling to this  history as their reason for late adoption of certain morality.  The general age of consent is 13, however the corruption of minors laws make having sex with or marrying someone under 18 in certain areas like Tokyo illegal.  The known age of adulthood  in Japan is legally 20 for alcohol and social ceremonial recognition.  This contradiction could explain why there are legal cafes where high school girls can chat with older men with exemption and why high school girls uniforms and white panties are portrayed en masse in the anime of Japan.  I often feel like Andrea Dworkin over here watching their pixelated rape culture norm porn flicks with a scowl.  Anime and AV (Porn) are not the norm and these cafes aren’t exactly bold and open about their offerings, it is still the underbelly of sex culture, and every culture porn and media undoubtedly reflects aspects of reality.  They do usually have a high school girl outside waving to passerbys, and inside, it is not more than a what you see is what you get deal, not a “girlfriend experience” euphemism, to my knowledge but I’m sure there are exceptions.   If I watch anime on Japanese Netflix I find it hard to watch the sexualization of high school girls who are portrayed in a way that is completely opposite of the reality of what I see everyday around me in Japan.  They are portrayed with 38DD silicone like breasts popping out of their shirts and super short skirts revealing their panties with every movement.  Again, the norm of anime is not reality.  Japan’s repressed sexuality is what pervades the trains and streets.   American sexuality and contradiction will quicker reveal some actual teens all Miley Cyrus’ed out in shopping malls across America, fraught with its own repression and fantasy about adolescence, but mainstream TV and billboards could not be splashing Barely legal cartoons everywhere without protest these days.   The anime fantasy of Japan’s perverted mind looks NOTHING like what I’ve observed with any high school uniform wearing youth.  You might see a clip on hair extension or two, exposed kneecaps and calves in the dead of winter, but the girls uniform skirts are too long to reveal white panties, and most of the students aren’t even allowed to dye their hair let alone alter their uniform to have any sense of deviance, and some uniforms have built in navy outer pants to cover their underpants.   

What does this have to do with me, the 41 year old goddess of Japanese descent?  I feel like thegoddess is DEAD in Japan.  Women are no more special than men here, in fact they are less than men in all areas and not lauded for the more than half of the sky that they do hold up.  Japan was born from the SUN goddess and then Taoism and Buddhism changed religion and spirituality in Japan into a male dominated arena.  Today, the state of women and girls in Japan is ranked one of the lowest of first world nations, the majority of women quit working to raise children between the age of 25-30 while male partners support the family often working 6 days a week with unpaid overtime.  Male dominated media will take advantage of the culture’s built in silence and shame to create an environment that intimidates resistance.  Gas lighting, shame, pitting groups against one another to avoid real issues are typical.  The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.  A Black-American friend also living in Japan joked that for a woman to come to Japan to find a partner would be like him trying to go to South Africa during apartheid.  “Why do women even come here?” he laughed.   Because it’s just like the U.S.A, people of color visit and think its not going to be so bad; racism and bigotry not apparent while on vacation….



Why don’t you just go back to America?

27545397_10100724331346657_2807881275576558963_nCertainly I am a miracle manifestor.  I just looked at my accounting for the year I decided to move countries to Japan.  This was the year that I crashed my car, fixed it back up and then a couple of months later the transmission died finally rendering it good for only parts and metal for $1000.  Upon receiving that $1000 I used that money to buy a ticket to Seattle, Alaska and Tokyo.  ONE WAY.  No turning back.  I didn’t have a car in Los Angeles for 6 months before I moved to Japan.  I worked on bicycle as a delivery person and ran my Tantra business.  Nothing was going to stop me after buying a plane ticket that I wasn’t going to waste.  I not only manifested miraculous money when I first arrived in the country, I was able to keep this streak going with just a few amazing well paying clients from both Japan and the U.S.  When I am adding up the numbers last night I am actually shaking my head wondering how the fuck I even got to where I am now.  One month, I had two clients paying $2000 and I lived off of that for two months inclusive of traveling all over Japan to places that I had never seen and places I can’t even afford to get to today.  Today I am working my ass off as a contract teacher for several different schools.  I spend hours on trains roundtripping from my home to far off classrooms in shopping malls and community colleges.  It feels like full time but its not.  It feels like I cannot work any harder, but to the Japanese worker, this is nothing.  Anything less than 60 hours in one office is not respectable.  I can’t pay my rent this month.  Some guy is going to knock on my door, but I probably won’t be at home because I’ll be at work.  I am currently waiting for just ONE Tantra client which is what I need to live alone in Tokyo in this small apartment that I manifested as a result of doing what I love, living in my purpose and life coaching.  When I got this apartment, I set my standards at a certain point.  No more sharehousing and shitty roommates.   I can have the lifestyle I want here.  In fact, my rent is cheaper in Tokyo than it was in rent controlled LA.   But the months since returning back to Tokyo in October have not been so good for my Tantra business.  I have found a way to post ads on craigslist that don’t get flagged.  I tried to post on the local hobbyist board but got hated on by all the providers and hobbyists there because I’m not doing what they are doing.  I am getting some emails from craigslist, which is another miracle because since CL stopped posting erotic service ads over ten years ago, it is impossible to post anything that sounds like it could be prostitution, although if you go to the casual encounters section most of the ads there are workers.  This is what backpage in America has moved into, using the personals as their sex work classifieds since’s ads also got shut down.  And I finally fucking figured out how to use bitcoin to pay for my ads and bitcoin also crashed so now backpage is no longer even accepting btc.  My miraculous 2016 turned into a 2017 year of uphill acclimating to the Japanese way, culture, language, laws and loneliness that after a while is no longer called that, it is just called normal.  Loneliness implies that you are wanting or longing for something, and at this juncture, I wish it would get better, but I am not crying out for it to get better.  I remember nights before I met my ex boyfriend in 2015 when I would be crying about being lonely and wanting a boyfriend.  And then for the next six months he came into my life and turned it upside down.  “You can do better.” I/they said.  “There are so many people who will treat you better.”  Ha, even he said it to my face in the first three months of our relationship.  Pretty much from month 2 he was already planning for our break up but holding me in his dysfunctional web just to torture me until he could find someone better.  So now, it has been three years since that time, and I am still single.  Where is that “better someone?” I wonder.  But I don’t wonder too long because I just try not to think negative thoughts and plague myself.  Instead I float into my night slumber saying the words,”I love you.  Thank you so much for coming into my life.  I’m so grateful for you.”  and I have great dreams usually.  I have been coached to do so many things to manifest the things that I have.  When things are not going your way, it is so easy to think all these sayings are just cognitive dissonance to cope with the fact that maybe you actually won’t get everything you want in life.  Tony Robbins says, you always get your standards.  Raise your standards.  I did.  I broke up with the ex.  I moved into this apartment.  These were great decisions of my life that I still don’t reget.  It took 10 months to heal from that but I learned so much about myself and what I don’t want.  But it seems like dating since then has just been an activity for temporary, somewhat satisfying companionship.  At 41, I no longer seek to “get laid,” especially as a Tantrika because having a spiritual and soulful connection is the only thing that opens my heart and legs at the same time.  It feels like the last 25 people that I have talked to or who have tried to woo me, I have not been attracted to.  There has been nothing, not even a spark, just a decision to not settle.  I don’t want to work on a relationship that I go in not liking.  Why don’t you just go back to America?  Some people have said to me.  I not only view that as quitting but its actually not practical for me.  I gave away all my belongings to move countries.  I gave up my apartment, my 11 year accumulation of super cool stuff, all my art work and equipment; my former life style.  And, if I left Japan now, I still would not be fluent in the language, nor would I really know the culture well enough because I’m limited by not speaking the language, and Japan takes just one year living in and also an entire lifetime to really understand.  I speak Japanese better than I ever have in my life.  I’ve gotten my mother to email me in Japanese, I’ve talked to my relatives that I wasn’t in contact with for 28 years.  I talk to them in Japanese.  I decided that i LOVE both America and Japan.  Because LOVE is complex, love doesn’t give you what you want, you work to sustain and understand it constantly.  It shouldn’t feel like work, it should feel like a flow.  Neither country is without its flaws and aggravating qualities.  I could learn Japanese elsewhere, but I know me, I won’t study if I don’t have to.  Living in Japan, I’m constantly motivated by my humiliation of confusion.  The societal exclusion of half passing, half speaking plagues me everyday.  I try to fit in but at the same don’t care to fit in to their stupid reindeer games, but I want to fit in well enough to have the option to play them.  I won’t leave until I do.


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