19
Apr
18

i don’t love you, let’s make a baby

i don’t love you, let’s make a baby

IMG_79321 month until you turn 42 feels like remembering when you were a little girl and giving your dad a handwritten card for his 42nd birthday.  He seemed so old to me then. But really both of my parents were in the prime of their lives. The 40s is still young I realized. No one ever guesses how old I am and it has to do with the fact that I don’t have children I reason.  Kids make you age no matter if you have one at 16 or 46. I’ve been thinking about the baby factor lately because I have to. I have always sworn that I would parent. It was something that I always knew. I would be a mother. And yet, here I am dawning on 42 and I have 1 prospect for a potential family.  But I had a dream that I would create a child out of love, not out of the need to have a baby before I die. I had a dream that I would move to Japan someday and I did. But once I settled down into this dream, I woke up after some time and it is now less lucid and euphoric than it is one of these difficult things that I put myself through to try to make my life more rich and full like graduate school.  Having a child is one of those things I long ago decided. I want to have a bilingual child because I wasn’t one. I want a mini me and a family full of all of the closeness that my own biological one failed to provide. Are these the wrong reasons or are the same selfish reasons that everyone else in the world procreates for? These reasons  were more present in my 30’s, I pushed my best friend to potentially be the gay father of my child but luckily I only pushed him away for a few years as a result of driving this plan nearly to the edge of a cliff he didn’t want to accompany me down.  We made a co-parenting pact in our 20’s, and when I tried to cash in that promise to reality we realized it wasn’t going to be the best idea.  I learned that pushing and forcing was not the way to create life not already growing inside you and ready to come out the womb. Pushing and forcing a zygote into existence usually doesn’t work, and being that we were a non hetero couple it simply wasn’t going to happen without mutual agreement and lots of effort and planning.  There were going to be no unprotected accidents between us.  I felt that at least we loved each other and had a deep long term relationship that would sustain the frail temporarality of romantic illusions. Of course if I was in the throes of the love drug endorphins it would be much easier to make bad decisions and not care in the moment of it all.   This is how half of the human population is made right? It’s not hard for me to imagine living and dying the rest of my life childless and single because the majority of my life has already been that way and it’s not been that bad. It is hard to imagine that I am actually running out of time since I’ve spent my whole life thinking about this deadline. They say the Universe knows what you want and gives you not what you want but what you need. I decided after this failed attempt with my bff as the father that I would just let things naturally unfold as they did. No force, only flow. The aforementioned 1 potential future baby plan co-signatory is someone I’ve been hanging out with intimately for just a couple months in Tokyo.  He could father our bilingual and perhaps even trilingual child, as he speaks 3 languages. He’s also half Japanese, but we aren’t in love. There are a lot of things that are not ideal about him (He is not proud of being Japanese, he drinks 2 liters of Coca Cola in one night, he smokes a lot of cigarettes and doesn’t exercise.  He isn’t spiritual.  In other words, he is not my mirror).  I feel myself looking at a situation like I would look at the text on a sperm donor description. His humanity becomes a checklist. I don’t even know him well enough to even know if this is a good idea, but I am wise enough to know exactly what it isn’t and that I would be buying a lifetime contract to amicable single parenthood where the child’s  parents would live in different countries. We don’t see each other often, but he is all that the Universe has unveiled in my path. I always hoped it would be different. Because all little girls do want to be in love and make a baby from this fairy tale place writhing in sweat and ecstasy and Tantric union. This is what I imagined in my sex magic manifestations.  But what to do if that’s just not in the hand that we have to play with, we’ve only got a bunch of pairs and nothing royal. At 42 I truly feel like everything that I ever wanted to do in my lifetime needs to be decided right now.  There’s no waiting too long. I have perhaps 1 more year or so before the clock just expires, the train leaves the station forever.  But this union doesn’t feel like the one to create a future from.  I’m not motivated to even ask him even though it has of course been on my brain and we do have unprotected sex, but he doesn’t ejaculate in me.  I’m not going to be these women in India who are 70 and mothering an infant. I’m not freezing eggs or paying any money that I don’t have to make something that will cost money to happen. That’s as stupid as taking out a loan to go to college was.  I have a friend who worked extremely hard on making her baby as a single mother from a donor from India at 42 and it finally miraculously happened; her child is beautiful, but I can’t imagine replicating that.  I’m not that driven to be a single parent.  My desire comes from wanting to NOT raise a child in the same situation I grew up in, not to replicate the struggles of my mother.   I’m in Japan working on my fluency intensely for the 2nd year consecutively (2 more years to go) and it feels like I’ve been at the same elementary level of non progress for the last year, even though I am sure that I am learning more and more every day. Fluency is part of my long term career that paves a path to work stability in ways that graduate school never did. From this comes the income to support a growing human and have a retirement plan. I have been reflecting a lot lately on how I no longer do any art or music and how I wanted so badly for that to be my career.  I visualized and chanted and sex magicked to bring into my reality the relationship that I already created in my mind….but this is what I got.   I’m grateful I have someone but it’s nothing like being in love. 

I fought so hard for decades to avoid being normal and now I live in Tokyo and I have the most normal non exciting teacher life just like I did at one time in LA.  I have a lover for the first time in nearly a year in Japan.  I’ve never been so unattractive to so many people and had so little prospects in one place in my life, so it’s at least nice to have someone to wake up with sometimes.  I’m not just with him because I don’t want to be alone.  There are other people I could have chosen for that even less than ideal position.  He is at least satisfying some desires and helping me with my fluency.  I want to say I could do better, but I obviously can’t or I would be right? He is good company, so we stay dating every two weeks.  There is no undying desire to really make a baby other than the fact that he seems to fit the description and have the chromosomes and I have the gnawing desire to appease time. And I feel like I am on my last rounds of chance…on my last songs at the dance….The film Collateral Beauty spoke through a character “Sometimes kids don’t come from you, they come through you.” in regards to different ways that people can parent.  I think I can better imagine marrying someone who already had a child and adopting that child.  It just feels better to me to have help with this parenting project than trying to do everything required alone, when already taking care of my own self is a challenge at times.


2 Responses to “i don’t love you, let’s make a baby”


  1. May 3, 2018 at 5:26 pm

    This was a very moving read. I cannot imagine the inner drive of certain folks to have a baby, but I certainly have had the urgency of it expressed to me verbally by several of my single friends who are nearing or who’ve passed 40 yo. I have an adult offspring, and I feel a strong desire to be a grandparent, and am probably sending my kid subliminal messages to settle on a mate and to make a baby asap lol. The moment I saw my child for the first time, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I understood what the purpose existence was. It was an interesting and unforgettable moment and feeling. Of course I have respect for whatever decision a human being makes with respect to procreating. Anyway, I enjoyed your essay.


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