Gemini Reflections

Writing this blog 260 kilometers from Tokyo where I live with my shirt off, relaxing at the home of one of the few people in Japan that I consider one of my true friends, I am trying to be say something good.  I do feel good today, and it’s mostly because I’m actually on a consecutive break for 4 days, the first long stretch of holidays since Winter. I’m still teaching my ass off for less than living in Tokyo wages, however this month I managed to score the ONE CLIENT that is necessary to bring me over scraping by so I could actually get the fuck out of the rat race Shibuya crossing and smell the ocean.  Last year, this time exactly I got to see Okinawa for the first time. I was a freelancer and not a teacher at that time and so my outlook was still optimistic. For the last few months I haven’t touched my guitar, I’ve barely sung a song and the realization of how little the creation of art is in my life has depressed me more and more as I am in the dawn of turning 42 at the end of this month. The thing that strikes me the most about being 42 is that basically two main things: I don’t care to argue with people and I am NOT in a cycle of trauma recovery.  This is probably the two phenomenal differences between how I was at 32 and how I am now at 42. If people strongly disagree, I think wow, thanks for your insight, we disagree.   I think about what they feel away from them and we either continue our conversation another day, or we don’t. I’ve lately not been posting on social media much because I am just not outputting for some reason, probably lack of interaction with others on “social” media.    I am not playing or making music. It seems like all I have time to do is work and study Japanese. Every activity seems to revolve around those two things. I do have an interesting English student who is a signed singer in Tokyo.  She is young and typical J-pop beauty who doesn’t speak English at all.  I obviously speak Japanese well enough to have her as a client, which I don’t think I could have done last year.  She’s not interested in speaking the language well,  I am coaching her on how to pronounce the words in The Carpenters “Top of the World” Beyond this, I am also coaching her in emanating Karen Carpenter’s vocal licks and hitting the notes that I hear in the song. So, I am also vocal coaching which feels really good. I am singing a little. But it’s mostly her doing the singing of course. The job is interesting though, and I’d love to be doing more of this kind of thing in Japan.  I don’t hate teaching English in Japan, I like most of my clients and classes a lot, I just hate that I can’t make a decent living doing this in exchange for sacrificing my freedom and purpose.  Is this my real purpose?

There is a back up singing project that someone has asked me to help out, but for the life of me I can’t seem to find the motivation for it.  I can’t even pick up my own guitar, I have a new CD player and I could practice some of these karaoke CDs just to start singing and I haven’t. I’m just writing about not doing it, but still not taking actions to change it. I hope the change comes soon because my life without art and music is just not a life worth living. I really want to move out of Tokyo when my lease is up. I have acquired a few things, a washing machine, a refrigerator, a table and some chairs are my only possessions. Nothing compared to what I had in LA. I want to live in a place that is outside of the city. A country town surrounded by nature and nice people. This is where I want to study Japanese to fluency. I moved to Tokyo because I thought it would be a great place to explore arts and music and the creative spirit but the opposite has happened.  It has successfully crushed my spirit. I thought I could just drop in and out of The Matrix like Trinity but just 6 months of the regular job grind has somehow convinced me that I am stuck here. I’m just not happy when I am not free. I’m not living the life that I think I should be living and that’s like everyone else in the world my age. The bloody problem with me is that I am aware that there is a better way and I don’t seem to believe or have the same energy I once did a year ago to manifest my path to bring about the results that I need. When i ask my inner self what I am supposed to do next it tells me two things: I am not ready to have a child and I am not ready to leave Japan. I can barely feed myself well and I don’t have a prospective partner is the same story that I’ve been running for decades unfortunately. The idea of being a single parent would just triple the struggle and not be great for the kid so I am giving up for now.  My motivation to study Japanese so much comes with struggling to understand people’s conversation and from the fulfillment I will get when I am finally fluent. It comes with the determination to get something tangible from the experience of living in Japan which I feel like I have given up so much for. I am not feeling fulfillment now and this is because my original plan to be a self employed freelancer has been crushed by the rush hour train population and the daily Tokyo grind, hopes and dreams of being able to express myself fully crushed by other people as they try to get to work everyday. I want to have a Japanese speaking job outside of Japan, working with people who have escaped this rat race. I have a photo of Hawaii on my wall where I think I will move in 2 years. This is where I will recharge my soul after it has endured this project of fully understanding self in a new way. Even though my spirit feels so devoid lately, I know that I am on a grand spiritual journey where my ego is being destroyed like it has never felt and beyond the words that I can even write in blogs, that I will probably only fully understand at 52.  .

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