11
Jun
18

Here comes the wetness!

…the rainy wetness and then the sweaty wetness that is.  June means Japan’s tsuyu or rainy season is upon us.  It’s just starting to get hot as summer but nearly as hot as it will be in the next 3 months of summer.  Every other day it rains continuously all day and then the next day it is bright and sunny, even blazingly hot, about 82/32 degrees  in the sun, which already is hotter than the average Los Angeles day.  We have humidity in Japan, which makes the hot months here super hot.  I have maggots that like to grow in my garbage in the heat, so I have to clean out my garbage and recycling of the vermin every other week in the summer.  It’s disgusting but, in LA, I had mice and cockroaches, so different places, different critters.  They also have these microscopic mites that live in the futons and bite you while sleeping, kind of like bed bugs but smaller.  At least bed bugs you can see and kill.  Dani, you can’t kill with your fingers.  I spent my birthday making half naked videos for social media (Yay, I did art! This was the goal: check) on a psychedelic spiritual reflective journey, rolling around on the floor of my apartment mostly blissfully.  I fundraised for a nice Thai dinner and a massage, and even though I wasn’t expecting anyone to paypal at all, I got what I asked for and more.  This was actually a nice surprise.  I think living in Tokyo, I’ve gotten used to setting my expectations to low or zero when it comes to people, just because of the results that I’ve been getting socially here.  My moods are pretty happy and well.  My health is good.  I like my job teaching English, I have gained a ton of new teaching skills that I didn’t have teaching in the U.S, skills that I feel are more valuable and applicable to teaching English as a Foreign Language to students anywhere in the world.  Of course, I want to continue focusing on Japan.  I’ve decided a few things which have helped me get excited for the future.  I’ve decided to move from Tokyo in January after the lease on this apartment is up and try another part of Japan.  I know that my time in Japan is not forever, and I definitely feel like I’ve done all that I can do in Tokyo, or, I’ve received all that it is willing to give me without spending ten years of my life here.  I want to move to a place that is surrounded by nature.  The blue of the sea or the green of the Japanese forest that instantly refreshes me just to lay my eyes on it.  The trees are greener in Japan than anywhere I have been in the world.  I tried to apply and got interviews at two sex work jobs: one was a sugar dating agency and another was with a stripclub in Roppongi.  I was quite surprised that I even got as far as an interview with either of them, because I had been trying for a solid 2 years here and there to supplement my income with some occasional sex work but to no avail.  I started to accept that I wasn’t the right aesthetic for Japan about six months into my residency here.  I switched focus to gaining fluency, and in July 1 I will take my first Japanese Proficiency Exam Level 4 which I have been studying quite a lot since January in addition to studying the language and diving head first into various challenges, including doing these two recent interviews in mostly Japanese, revealing my tattoos, my age and my body size, which being about 145 lbs is probably considered elephant obese I’m convinced.  I’ve definitely seen women who were bigger than me, but Japan focuses hard on illusion.  I don’t hate Japan.  I am learning so much about myself, this language and this culture, but, like I said, I know that it is temporary.  I am not a conformist, so this culture and I will never be happily married.  I stopped seeing the hafu Brazilian guy.  I trailed off slowly and stopped initiating communication but he’d still pop up here and there every week just in texts.  He had no ideas for dates or ways to make me happy so it just became futile.  The last straw was when he called me on my birthday and didn’t know it.  I told him it was my birthday, he said, Mine was last week.  Happy Birthday.  I said.  “What did you do?”  “Nothing.” he said,” And You?”  He sent me a Happy Bday gif but didn’t really have an offer to see me or get together.  I waited 24 hours for it to organically form out of him (i.e And you?  Are you busy tonite/tomorrow/this weekend?) but then in the morning when I didn’t get it, I got finally annoyed, told him off and blocked him.  Oh, I know, women expect you to be mind readers, blah blah blah.  Maybe it’s a case of that, but I guess I need to be paired with someone who doesn’t need to be a mind reader, but someone who has some creative coupling ideas when it comes to being close.  Every time he would text, I’d just feel annoyed, my interest had waned.  every date we had ever been on was my planning and idea, except for maybe the first one which was just dinner and sex.   And yes twice a month sex and cuddling is nice, but it just ran its course, and I’m just not one to stay in something just because I might not have anything else.  While it’s true, I might be UNconsciously celibate (I’m a Japan INCEL!) for another six months here in Tokyo, I’d rather do that actually than be with him.  Clearly I did because I ended it with no pain.  I knew I could do better when during Japan’s national week of holidays all he could offer me was one night, which was the usual time we could spend together every two weeks.  He was busy all of the other days.  So I finally just went on a mini vacation out of Tokyo alone instead.  I wasn’t going to miss my one chance to leave town just to spend it in the usual way with someone with no ideas.  No way.  I never get to leave Tokyo because of my job and I truly think that going away to a beautiful picturesque blue sea and white beach for a solid 3 days, soaking in onsen and talking with friendly people convinced me of the plan to exit the urban jungle was neccesary.  I want to spend my next couple of years immersing in fluency somewhere else to fully round out my Japan living experience.  Then, after fluency, I will be able to return every year as a translator but not have to be bound by the rigid rules of the society here.  There is Quora question about why foreigners leave after 5 years, and I’m wondering if I should answer it.  I’ve always known that I wasn’t going to live in Japan forever.  Even if I managed to find a partner and get pregnant, I wasn’t going to settle down forever in this country.  Thus, marrying a hafu person was and is ideal for me.  I am definitely starting to wonder about this aspect of my life.  But, whenever I start to compare my current life to the life I idealized I “should be having at my age” is when I can start to get really really sad and depressed and everything becomes bleak, which I just don’t want to do, so I don’t.  I”m happy, things are comfortable.  I could have kept this mediocre lover of mine, but I decided not to.  Ho hum.  What’s next?


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