Archive for June 15th, 2019


Freedom and Accomplishment

Freedom and Accomplishment are two words that come to my mind when I think about how I feel, just moved to Hawaii from Japan, just turned 43 years old.  I came to live in Honolulu for the first time at age 17. I graduated high school early and decided that I would enroll in a semester of college classes at UH for fun.  It was over 25 years ago, the first time leaving home away from home. For me, though, I was more than a latchkey kid, I was a kid who practically raised myself because my single mother didn’t have the resources to be there for me emotionally and support two other children.  So, leaving home for the first time was not as big of a deal for me as it was for others my age. I was already pretty independent for my age. This was just an accelerated change of setting. The next time I would come back here was at the age of 22 when I was transitioning from being a topless dancer from the first strip club I’d been fired from to an all nude club in Honolulu where I’d dance naked for the first time.  I think I probably lived and worked in town for a month or two before returning back to California. When I was 30, I went to the Big Island on a spring break from full time teaching. I went there to go to a forest rave, found a lover to coop up with, and got my whole right arm tattooed with brilliant and flowery Japanese and Hawaiian designs to mark “the blossoming” of my 30s. I remember at that time land on the big island was really cheap and I was thinking about buying a plot of land to build a cabin on and retire.  I remember making a promise to Hawaii one of these times while looking out at the beautiful deep and blue Pacific Ocean. “I will come back to Hawaii to live after I’ve lived my life more.” I remember the vision I had for my big island goddess future– to own some land with my own house and ride a horse to the store topless. I imagine always having a place to return home to in Hawaii. And I have always felt at home in Hawaii.


Ever since I’ve been here, I’ve felt relieved and celebratory and so very grateful that I made the leap to move here when I did.  I suppose a part of me didn’t think I was ready to leave Japan because I wasn’t fluent yet and there was far more suffering that needed to be had before I could really appreciate the liberation that is felt in the air and general attitude of the people here.  Appearances don’t matter as much. It’s sunny every single day. Weed is easy to get, cheap and delivered to your door. I can continue improving Japanese here, in fact Japanese jobs are going to be more forgiving than Japan I’m sure.  There is no shortage of Japanese clients, customers and comfort items available right in my neighborhood, and Japanese food and what I’ve been cooking for 3 years is comforting to me still.  As I look upon the ocean as a 43 year old with so much more experience and wisdom and pain than I had at 17 or 22 and I am extremely proud of the life that I’ve lived.  Mainly because I could look at the vast blue sea and know that I’d crossed it several times to brave new waters again and again and come out a better persona as a result. It was extremely difficult to move to Japan from Los Angeles and I was terrified. But once I make moves, the Universe always always steps in to give me a soft landing. I guess I feel like I have to deserve to be here. It is never without ups and downs and tests along the way, challenges have already shown itself in the month that I have been here.  I have great hopes for the future and the view from my balcony is the best view that I’ve had in almost a decade. Why waste my time feeling old. I feel the same. I do my best. That’s all.


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