Archive for the 'Asian' Category

08
Sep
18

Omegas, Betas and Herbivores: problems of dating Japanese Men

This series was called “The Flower and Water” because I used to feel like a flower, sexual energetically speaking. In the previous chapter of my life (in America) I was the receiver of masculine energy: bees, birds, butterflies: praise, flirtation, smiling, greeting, small talk, dating, hitting on etc. I considered MEN to be my unofficial specialty having worked with them as clients for over 17 years.

In Japan, my current research in progress, taken largely from on the street interviews (youtube documentaries like Asian Boss), SNS websites with lots of useless idiotic banter (reddit and GaijinPot Forums) as well as editorial news sources.  It tells me that “61% of men in their 20’s and 70% of men in their 30’s in Japan are Beta males (known as herbivore men in Japan which is a slightly different take on the Alpha/Beta model) and that women over 25 are seen as useless because they cannot produce children or be useful housewives.  Aside from join them in the workforce, these women, are relegated to be used for sex or nothing at all for the men. In this society, however, sex is a distraction and takes no more priority over a man’s own family than the food that he eats (which because of his work schedule, sometimes he doesn’t eat much).  A lot of men in Japan can’t be bothered to spend their free time dating and would rather do things alone of more worth to them, such as play video games or rest from work.

In Japanese culture, upholding the group/company/nation is far more important than the individual’s needs, especially since the rebuilding period after the WW2.  The social group that one is a part of in Japan, is most often comprised of their co-workers who have to participate in obligatory drinking parties after an already long day at the office.   Sex and time with family are seen as individual needs that have been effectively socialized out of most men after the war created the rise of the workaholic ‘salary man’ as a replacement for the ruthless Imperial Army soldier.  This is the reason why, for the most part, I am invisible in Japan, and why many foreign women do not have much luck (but Alpha cis men often do) in Japan. I have never seen myself as an Alpha female, but in a country of Betas and herbivores who don’t care to look up at a beautiful woman because they are too busy eating grass, I realize how much I am.  

I might be proactive and confident, but I DO NOT want to do all the approaching and asking of men.  The Asian Boss episode also explains how typical this is in Japanese society I am honest, straightforward, affectionate in public and loyal. I am brimming with Tantric sexual energy (not DTF/One night stand/Nanpa kind of energy). Still, I remain a divine feminine flower blooming tall amongst a field of worker ants, the masculine mountains and the rising sun pollinates me because I can’t fit into the skinny jeans of most of the men here.  It all started with a few okcupid men and I exchanging messages about the situation of men in Japan. “You seem like an Alpha female type.” the guy said. I thought that an Alpha was a leader of a pride of lions, but humans actually don’t have the same clear cut and proven propensity to group like wild animals. Even the term “alpha male” has a bad rap in American culture. It seems to have the reputation of a egoistic guy who needs to be loud and take control of the room in a overt way in order to prove something.  Cultures, governments, racism, gender identity, war, drugs, dysfunctional families and so many other complex social factors that animals are not affected by create our social groupings and the way we pair bond. My experience in Japan as a participant observer leads me to really agree with the idea of the Beta male as a better explanation to “They’re all shy.” I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that and rolled my eyes. It strikes me as ridiculous each time a Japanese woman tells me this, so I’ve been searching for my own answers to the explanation of the lack of male attention that I get in Japan, because it seemed far to general and unintelligent of an explanation.   Although I’ve heard the herbivore theory before, in combination with the beta male theories, both popular culture science theories that seem to hold some truth, I am starting to not discount them as ridiculous. Herbivore, Betas and blood type personalities may not be “real science” that everyone believes, but it does hold truth for a lot of people in the culture and we can take historical facts (blood type theory), personal observation and environment into account and use them all to make our own deductions. Because, “They’re all shy” certainly isn’t offering me a better, more scientifically researched hypothesis by any means.

01
Sep
18

What Happened in Australia

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Here’s me looking hella dykey.  It was a windy wintery day by the Opera House.  I came out in Sydney as a lesbian in 1997, then very soon after knew I was bisexual not gay.

So Australia did NOT work out at all as planned.  It’s the first time that my intuition led me so far astray.  Sure, it was a sudden decision to go but every single part of me was a HELL YES, so I pulled out all the stops to make this trip happen.  It ended up putting me further in debt when all I was trying to do was make my situation better by doing what I knew best to do when I needed to make money.  I spent money that I didn’t have to try to put myself in a position where I could do some sex work or Tantra sessions. I got to experience Sydney again so nothing about this trip was bad except that I was totally off base in letting my gut decide what my fate was going to be.  It was a great culture shock to be in Sydney again after being in Japan, the land of my youthful college art school days.  Being in any English speaking country after living in Japan everyday is always a shock to my bilingual brain.  I am used to having to think in 2 languages everyday so switching to 1 is a shock to the system!  Everything that I remembered was the same but evolved and gentrified. 21 years later is a long time and I definitely could not make my way around without a Google search. I left Japan to see if I could still get the attention of men.  The kinds of men that I was attracting on okcupid were Asiaphiles. One of the fuckboys that contacted me was sort of a godsend at first, as I was out of money already because I needed to make money in my first 2 nights in town to have for the rest of the week. That’s the old sex worker plan and yeah, it’s risky but it usually works. He ended up being a total asshole.  He was trying to lure me into his Asian girl harem but he wasn’t prepared for American Japanese me who wasn’t so impressed with his superficial gestures. He gave me housing for free when I really needed it, but he ended up kicking me out with my gigantic backpack on the street without even giving me money to get to the train station without me making a big deal about it.  I was living off of credit card so even taking the bus to the station was almost impossible with my 30 kg bag. He was poorly perhaps trying to set up some threesome situations but he was a terrible facilitator. I’m not even sure what he wanted, but whatever it was, I clearly did not do it for him. He wanted to be liked instantly for doing nothing. I’m not good at that. Japanese men kind of want that too.  Courtship seems to be dead to these guys, i’m not sure if it is because they never were taught its importance or they don’t care. I was chatting with one guy from okcupid who was openly looking for hookup sex but told me,”I’m not here to impress anyone.” well, you NEED TO BE to some degree, I’m sorry, this is a mating ritual. That’s how it goes for men AND women. In order to get to the point where you no longer have to impress someone, you have to be in a relationship with them FIRST.   And even in relationships, courtship rituals should continue to keep the connection feisty and hot. My next stop for housing was at a Facebook friends home in another area of Sydney that I lived in when I was in college. Memory Lane. These friends were actually the couple in this blog post earlier that I knew were trying to fuck me. Or, at least the husband was being pretty obvious about it. They were polyamorous and swingers and that kind of energy actually kind of intimidates me unless I’m in a safe space like a play party.  I haven’t done spontaneous threesomes with a couple since I was in my 20s. It turned out that the husband was out of town and the woman was nothing but super kind and there was NO THREESOME PRESSURE whatsoever! Woohoo. AND SHE HAD A BAG OF HOUSEWEED that she offered me! Oh my heaven. I was supplied with safe housing AND medicine. That’s really all I could even ask for. The last guy actually left my bags below the stairs with 5 dollars in the pocket. He treated me like garbage in the end. It was fucked up and I was really in need of a bowl of marijuana to mellow out after that.  She didn’t even smoke herself, she just had house weed. Amazing. I spent the next 2.5 days just touring around the local spots of Sydney and enjoying being high 3 days in row. I didn’t really need much money to do what I was doing just transportation and food money. I had small talk banter with cashiers and local people and that just refilled my soul from the empty mechanical robots that live and work beside you in Tokyo everyday never talking to you. What I was missing is NOT America, what I am missing are these elements of culture that Australia also has, and Japan does not. So, in the end, it was a totally great trip.  

26
Jul
18

Japanese Summer Mating Calls

The last week of July brings Japan’s hottest summer sun blazing down onto Tokyo.  The familiar mating calls of the cicada are singing loudly outside. “Mee Mee Mee Meeeeee”  It reminds me of Japanese summer when I was a child, I used to pick these giant fly looking insects right off the tree bark and put them in my hand.  They were gentle and calm. They didn’t fly away and their wings were soft just like the feathers of birds. It still amazes me that these gigantic insects don’t create any kind of adverse reaction in me.  They are peaceful, helpful and wonderful creatures that don’t harm, annoy or spread diseases, so they are likeable

 

to many humans. They spend 17 years sucking sap from trees under the earth and emerge to spend the last month of summer crying out for a mate throughout the days of August.  When the song stops, millions of bodies pile up on the ground, fertilizing the same trees and plants that they fed upon and the other millions of young cicadas waiting their turn to molt and fly away into adulthood in the next years. This is the cycle of nature running its course. I spied upon these lovers on the ground and pet the wings of one of them to see if they were alive or dead.  I think that they were dead because they were silent and did not move away from my poking but I still am not sure. Today, a man at the elevator in one of the offices I was teaching corporate lessons at said Hello to me. I was taken aback because I have pretty much become accustomed to being ignored by every man in Japan. He was the boss of one of my students, so I had met him several months ago but didn’t remember.

Apparently, this is the samurai way, one Japanese woman told me.    I rolled my eyes at that one. But maybe it was true. Free choice of marriage partners at that time did not exist, it was always arranged by a third party for the family’s sake, so of course, direct pursuit was not part of the warrior’s way, that and a lot of homosexuality existed in samurai culture that’s not talked about..  This was a better explanation than,”They’re shy.” I’ve outruled that one as an apologist excuse for Japanese culture shortcomings. The samurai of modern Japan has become the salary man overwork and undersexaholic, all while the relegation of sex into the underworld remains in the dark corners of happening bars and love hotels but never out in the open hallways or train cars.  The sound of the male cicada is almost louder than any other noise outside, because there are hundreds of them at any one time mate calling at once. I am reminded once again that I have no idea what the Japanese man’s mating call is. Everything that I have grown to understand as universal and natural has been thrown out the window. I am stumped, like a tree. I recently made eye contact with a Japanese guy on the train, he received this signal and it led to a one night stand at my place, upon which he promptly left in a hurry in the morning and ignored all my messages to try to hang out in the future.  Did he hit on me or did I hit on him, i’m pretty sure that I was the first one to look at him, but after my initial eyebrow greeting, I allowed him to naturally pursue me in the ways that I knew about from my upbringing in the U.S It was quick and silent, it happened on the train between 3 stops and was conceded in probably ten minutes. Nevertheless, I still don’t consider it successful because I was actually hoping for some kind of repeat dating relationship out of this since we actually had in common that we were performers! The ONLY reason this guy was successful at nanpa with me was because he offered to buy me a couple drinks at a local Izakaya to get to know me, something that his previous unsuccessful suitors didn’t have the common sense to even ask for.  I did it for the skin ship, because i wanted to sleep and cuddle all night, i don’t recall the sex part being anything interesting.. I did make him walk me 1.4 km home to buy more conversational time. Guys actually think they can kiss me within 10-30 minutes of meeting and hanging out or meeting for the first time. If he could drop his pants and mount me on the train and make it in time to get home without having to drop any money or effort at all he’d probably be really happy, oh wait, except they wouldn’t do that in public.  Alright, if he could mount me in a darkened alley outside of his home station without me ever complaining, he’d be happy.   If you agree to go on a date with a Japanese guy, he will indicate this is a date by holding your hand right from the get go. This is the only public display of affection that Japanese people feel comfortable with. Unfortunately for me, holding hands and kissing isn’t something I do with people unless I actually grow to like them, but I have found myself doing this in Japan because it is just the way things are done here.  When in Tokyo…do like Tokyo.

 

Speaking of mating calls and cicadas, the way that the Japanese men that I have had sex with could best be described doesn’t include a mating call but more of an indiscriminate mounting; similar to how dogs do when they smell a bitch.  There’s no mating call, just an expectation of immediate penetration with no foreplay whatsoever. A simple and straightforward one syllable question like “Kiss (チュー?” or “Sexエチ?” or a dropping of the pants and a reveal of their cocks as they stroke them for me have all been some of the unsuccessful attempts to bed me by Japanese men. One guy I actually left in the karaoke room with his pants down.  

 

Japanese men sometimes, hit on me (nanpa) while drunk wanting very primal one night stands late at night, but any other time there is nothing that indicates or lubricates a slow meeting of the minds or the bodies aside from the internet.  If I was a gay man, this type of nanpa would likely be a total win, if my ultimate goal was that quick casual fuck. But one night stands are actually not my goal here, although whatever new experiences I come across will also serve me in the time between my idealized relationship with the warrior who finally gives a shit.

 

03
Mar
18

thegoddess is dead in Japan

When I say thegoddess is dead in Japan, I don’t mean that Japanese are not spiritual people.  Many of them are, many of them aren’t, just like many countries.  There is definitely a pervasive form of spirituality that Japan has in its landscape that Christian influenced countries do not have.  When I say thegoddess is dead, I mean the idea of a divine form embodying a human one, is non existent.  Women have no pull and no power here.  The mother cannot ask for recognition for bearing and raising kids anymore than the salary man can ask for recognition for supporting the family.  This is what you are supposed to do.  Don’t you dare ask for credit for what you are supposed to do.  If a woman dressed unique, sexy or something beautiful, not a single man will turn his head.  They will look from the reflection of the glass  in their phones or out of the corner of their eyes, but they will never say a thing. Silence is a cultural norm here, even when 6 people standing on a train almost fall on top of each other.  (This really happened the other day and me out of 6 was the only person who uttered any sounds)  One of my friends called Japanese men “soft” but I think “soft” sounds fluffy and nice and cute, like a cloud.  The majority of Japanese men that I see are spineless and oblivious, like earthworms.  Earthworms are not shy they’re spineless.  and they don’t like light either.  Shy is not the word for them.  So suspend me to the ceiling and spin me around a few times, parade me like rotisserie flesh for the horny eyes of the men in the room.  They are looking now but I don’t care.  All I wanted was for someone to buy me a drink, hold open a door, offer to carry a bag, compliment my outfit or my smile…

YOU be the radiant light and those that can see it will be attracted to it!!  It doesn’t work here in Japan.   Don’t give me your fucking bumper sticker quotes that apply to your life in a non Asian or non Muslim or some other country without similar restrictions.  Save your privilege for your Instagram quotes.   

I want to hear you tell me to “just love myself” as much as I want to hear some blissed out foolio tourist high on Enjoy Japan talk about his recent trip to Tokyo (Japan is sooo clean and organized!  I love it!)  randomly messaging me as some form of flirtation. Screenshot_2018-03-03-17-49-00 The only beings that are attracted to my light are moths.  Drunken moths are one step higher than earthworms as at least they take action even if it kills them.  After I was taken down from the suspension, I went to the bathroom.  I was met there by 2 Japanese men.  I decided to see what the 3 men at the bar could possibly do for me, so I asked one of the guys to get the German man who was speaking to me at the bar.  I hadn’t had sex with 3 guys before, and usually at random times my experimental daring gets the best of me, and since i was just suspended from the ceiling I was high on endorphins and adventure.  I am usually interested in exploring that I have never had before once, just for the sake of it.  It is the new thrill that I like, the sex just comes with it sometimes.  I called the German guy down to the sex room, not because I wanted anything more than a new experience in life.  And definitely after about 20 minutes of my vagina being sucked by an octopus and pussy smashed with inflatable toy hammers at an arcade silently by three guys,  I went back upstairs with a What the hell was that shit? feeling.  It was like blowing three mannequins in a department store elevator (sounds exciting?  Its actually not).  Shaking my head at the huuuuge gap of reality between the porn I masturbate to and the reality I have experienced.   After the two Japanese men ejaculated they disappeared without saying a word, leaving me and the German guy alone to speak in English.  Sex with him was terrible as well.  He wasn’t even aware his dick wasn’t inside of me most of the time and he was moaning to appease my need for “some sound” but I could tell it was fake because he was missing his target completely and oblivious to it.   It was not even my imagination, I really felt nothing from all three of them.  The whole event was one of the worst sexual experiences I’ve ever had inclusive of all of the prostitution I have ever done to date and that, is some seriously, bad sex.  I could never have bad sex as a sex worker as long as I got paid and it wasn’t an assault, because my job was to make money, orgasms were icing on the cake.  This recent night was the equivalent to donating my body to being poked by preteen virgins in a sex lab for free so i felt really unamused after it was over.  Disgusted with the Japanese guys who went quickly up to the bar without even a word and who did not even acknowledge me again at all after that.  I forced myself in their faces, “That was rude.” i said.  “No, no, that was our Ometenashi” the one guy that I actually was attracted to out of the 3 said to me.  Ometanashi my ass.  I said shaking my head.  ( You call that Japanese hospitality, do you?  I call it rude and fucking ridiculous).   This is the symbolic meaning of being tied and suspended in Kinbaku for me.  A performance piece is being written with my life experiences, right alongside this blog.  Butoh is another thing I got to experience living in Japan, like Kinbaku rope play, and the uneventful sexual experiment that followed, I had to come to Japan to have access.

The German guy stayed with me and talked with me, bought me a drink, walked me to the train station in the morning and was aching to continue our “adventure” but it was no longer an adventure but a sex tragedy of epic proportions that I’d soon forget quicker if he wasn’t actually trying to walk me to the train station and attempt to stay in touch.  But wasn’t this the chivalry you said you wanted goddess? He tried to hold my hand and I pulled it away.  You can’t move from terrible sex to holding hands in one hour.  I was not interested in dating him.  Take him on as long term coaching client, yes.  Date him, no.   If he reads this and his ego can handle it, then he’ll consider some serious sexual awareness lessons.  My boyfriends and lovers need to be of a certain sexual standard that my clients often are not.   I can be compassionate in the professional container.  Empathy and recovery from unbelievably terrible sex only comes after love and relationship are established and it can’t happen the other way around, even for a Tantrika because I am MOSTLY human.   thegoddess light was needed to love me, myself and I only and deeply to recover from that clown show (and yes, I DO LOVE MYSELF very very much, Thank you bumper stickers for the reminder).   I had gone in, in, inward and was not feeling namaste or like seeing the god in anyone but myself.  At that point, 5:30am Shinjuku train station cold and hungry, waiting for the first train of the day,  I just wanted to be in my bed alone.   I am thankful that the German guy wasn’t Japanese because then I can’t blame the whole incident entirely on Japanese dicks.  Regardless, it still gets chalked up as an interesting sex experience I could only have in Japan.  And still gets counted as the worst sex I’ve had in 41 years.  

08
Jan
18

2017: My 1st year of Japan residency comes to an end

s-New-Years-card2017 comes to an end at midnight and I am putting Kabuki Kumadori makeup on my face.  The Japanese tradition of visiting a temple at midnight with crowds of people who pray at midnight silently as the year changes from rooster to dog.  I sat in lotus in my Tokyo apartment, and rang my healing bowls, focusing inwards and honoring my own body temple.  I was preparing myself for a burlesque performance at a nightclub in Shibuya that I have been to a few times.  A place where there were going to be familiar faces and friendly people and most importantly free admission because I knew one of the DJs.  I didn’t feel like spending lots of money or pushing past obnoxious people as New Year’s Eve in all big cities around the world are guaranteed to be, especially not through Shibuya which is a Christmas shopping crowd in America every single day.  As I walked towards the club from the train someone pulled me back from my backpack straps aggressively.  I was starting to feel the acid that I took so I didn’t feel like talking English or Japanese.  I was assessing what he wanted and if I needed to be alarmed or just remain blank as I was.  “Hey, can I take a picture with you?” the young Japanese asshole asked.  I really wish I could have the same responses to tell someone off in Japanese in these same situations as I do in English, but in general in the last five years, I’ve not really been a confrontational person, and Japan has truly made me quieter and less confrontational on top of holding a walking meditative stance as a Tantrika.  Thegoddess deescalates by reflecting calm.  26172487_10213003257389370_1062889378776343392_oDude clocks me as a foreigner because of my costume, because a Japanese person would not dare wear something like what I was wearing.  A women’s summer yukata, kimono over jeans and a sweatshirt in the winter and a male actors makeup scheme, but that was exactly my point in presentation.  I wasn’t going to try to be Japanese or fit in tonite, I was going to be 2000% Mariko Passion for the first time in a great long time in Japan.  If i was in America, they’d think I was dressed like a geisha because that’s the most popular kimono association foreigners have about Japan usually, which is why I hate being called a foreigner.   I often don a gender queer presentation when I feel like fucking with mainstream society.  I do it in Los Angeles and I do it in Tokyo.  It is a reflection of fearlessness and a return to my inner I don’t give a fuck.  In Japan, everything is about what everybody else thinks about you.  Your success in business and social circles has to do with how you carry yourself at moments when you think you aren’t being watched, at moments when you should have a right to act as you feel is natural to do, it is a Matrix that is enforced by the mainstream here, deeper and more restrictive than any American society in existence.  If you don’t feel that in Japan yet, then you are still obviously a tourist enjoying Japan.  Being a resident alien is something totally different.  The vacation is over.  You better get to where you need to go and not get lost because you need to show up ten minutes early and stay late and be happy about it.   Realness and the oppression of women and everyone who doesn’t act like a right acting 100% “normal” Japanese citizen hasn’t stripped away your enjoy-ment just yet. As a tourist, ometenashi is still being bestowed on you as a guest in the country, you aren’t being constantly treated like you are invisible or that you need to apologize for your own existence at every moment.  My sisters and I could never understand why my mother carried such a heavy burden of caring about what everyone else thought before herself, even fifty years after she had long left Japan and become an American citizen with suitable English competency and 3 Americanized kids, her Japaneseness was still deeply ingrained in her.  The culture you were born and raised in never leaves your consciousness I suppose, and that was my biggest problem in Japan.  As a hafu Japanese, I am able to blend half the time when I want to but most of the time conforming doesn’t suit me anywhere I go in the world and the artist in me wants to free myself of my shackles, which would often happen even in the so called land of the free.  I am of different subcultures and nations, gender expressions and desires rolled up into something that shouldn’t be figured out.  I asked the promoter on New Years Eve if I could jump up on the poles they had at the club and dance for people all night.  He wasn’t going to pay me but I still needed to let him know because I was dressing up and probably showing more of my body than most people in the club that night.  I still had 6 inch red stiletto stripper heels and I didn’t forget how to dance in them with shameless confidence that no born Japanese girl without tattoos and sex work experience could ever imagine in her wildest dreams and that’s why most of my fans that night were women.  I was releasing sexual frustration out on Japanese society.  To me it was unfathomable that I couldn’t date who I wanted and capture the attention of men and women in a big bad metropolitan city like Tokyo.  Was everyone just a silent salary man throwing up on the train in his man purse?  I had dated a few Japanese men as my mission to learn the language so I have gained my frustration through experience.  I’ve chatted with women and non Japanese residents on dating sites and tried to date them too without great luck.  I continue to daily remind myself that the romantic relationship I have already created for myself is on its way.  This night was about dancing my kimono off and channeling all my pent up sexual frustration trying to survive in this society, being grateful for all that I am and all that I have learned.  The release had nothing to do with getting laid.  I can get laid in Tokyo if I wanted to have a little Japanese dog humping my leg and call that sexual satisfaction which was nothing close to the Tantric unions that I was fueled from.  Kekko desu, I pass.  The way that men nanpa in Japan just doesn’t make me want to move or open, so I am often alone here.   I want to worshipped as the goddess that I am by a god, by the reflection of my own greatness, but I seem unable to find them in Japan.   But, for once, tonite at the club, I was basking in the light of my glory, honoring my body temple, giving others permission to be themselves and showing them how to do it.   Interestingly enough in the U.S, nipples and alcohol are illegal but not in Japan.  But because Japan pushes everyone’s emotions and sexuality into a small box, and everyone is effectively controlled by their ties to jobs or family, most people do not step out of line out of fear of losing one of those connections and being shunned into further invisibility than daily life can be.  Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the country, and though I came here with a dream and i made it come true, the reality of daily life and the matrix web wiping the smile off of my face after some time of being ignored and not seen for weeks and then months.  You are not special in Japan.  No one is special in Japan.  ONLY Japan is special, and if you can force yourself to be part of the whole, then you can access that specialness too, conditionally.  I have meditated back into alignment finally after the funeral of the eldest sibling of my mother reminded me of these family ties that bind in a way that you can never escape, in a way that you can never be independent or make mistakes, be adult or even be your own person.  It is an immense amount of pressure to hold.  If you jump in front of a train to kill yourself, your family will be sued by the Tokyo government for disrupting everyone else’s working schedule probably until they also die, and yet these kinds of suicides are the most commonplace occurrance.  It’s made me rethink staying here, but still I know that it was the law of attraction and positive vibrations and determination that got me all that I have in Japan and it will be that same determination which will bring everything else that I desire to fruition, so it is my job to radiate that my needs are already met and breathe that in as real.  I am beyond nationality and gender.  I am not a slave to the matrix, I am just dropping in.  

22
Jul
17

Goddess Martial ARTS

4:30 in the afternoon, just woke up. 9 hrs of sleep, 5 hours of dancing hard. I even stripped down to my stripper dress which looks like a long tight shirt on the dance floor and endured the open judgment of Japan on my 41 year old ‘oh my god did is she wearing any panties (i was, but its a stripper dress so its hard to tell) and actually dancing in a public place?’ Good thing my party mate was a gaijin dude and he was not at all embarrassed. I kept thinking how the soul of my mother was yelling at me even though she isn’t dead. “NOBODY DOES THAT IN JAPAN!!” It wasn’t about exhibitionism or being too drunk, it was about the fact that I wanted to free my legs and my thighs and do some SERIOUS DANCING and my long skirt was getting in the way!    I used to be a stripper so fuck you, I don’t give fuck. All these Japanese guys were confused. They are always confused by me. I’m glad I wasn’t dating one of them, I probably wouldn’t have done that so I could save face for his family or something silly. But I was raised American and I don’t give a fuck, and even in America I don’t give a fuck, and even in big bad ass LA, I do some crazy I don’t give a fuck SHIIIIT and no one can figure me out.

I like doing energetic experiments like this, the kind that TEST AND CONFRONT your role as a woman in society. This is my brand of MARTIAL ARTS. This is the energy of my performance art testicles. I love that I can get away with it. Walking the lines of being punished as a whore in any given society. And i built these guts because I WAS THAT WHORE. I WAS THAT STRIPPER.

But NOW I KNOW I AM A GODDESS. AND because I’m so POWERFUL IN MY BODY and ENERGY AND MIND NOTHING. BAD. EVER. HAPPENS. I defy judgment, rape, violence and gravity. Because I know you would fuck me if I let you, but if you only had the guts like me to step to me to even dance, but you don’t so I laugh at you even though you are laughing at me behind your covered mouth.

Perhaps if you know about Burningman culture, it can be described as something close to that, its not because I’m American or Japanese or Chinese or queer or whatever…because EVEN IF YOU WALK AROUND SHIRTLESS at some FESTIVALS in America you are told it is wrong, beaches in LA it is illegal. So, it isn’t because I’m gaijin or American.  This culture/strength was in me BEFORE I went to the playa, and it runs in my blood even though I’ve stopped going. But, at least there, there are 1000s of other warrior goddesses dancing with me.

OUR BODY EXPRESSION IS OUR TRUTH and you can try to create social norms or legit laws to control me but it doesn’t work.  Another example, I am SUPPOSED TO WEAR A BRA.  But why?  Because YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE or have a reaction to my nipples.  I have disagreed with that my entire adult life, so for most of my adult life, I have refused to wear a bra.  In Japan, tattoos are not illegal but if I don’t hide them, I can’t swim in the pool where I do laps.  So i conform.  If I MUST CONFORM in order to access equality then I will.   But if you want me to conform because you want to convince me to subdue my blatant inequality then FUCK YOU.  My nipples aren’t hard because I’m horny or because I desire to fuck you.  I mean FUCK YOU and YOUR SOCIAL CONDITIONING.  (whatever country that is inherited from).

Sometimes when I get bored of having the male gaze on my chest, I avoid shirts that bring out the protrusion of nipple flesh, but most of the time, I do what i feel like doing and wear what I feel like wearing.  Some women actually hate me for it, but I don’t lose any sleep over it.

My millennial Asian American sister Anni Ma is in a groundbreaking lawsuit that I always wanted to do to change hypocritical society.  She gives a middle finger to the “put a shirt onners” and even tells “so called radical festival authority figures” if “Would they like to talk to her lawyer about their request to cover her chest?”  Of course, It would take the next generation of feminist to finally push this stupid hypocrisy through, and so I am watching to see if she is successful in American courts, but in my eyes she has already made profound changes regardless of what the outcome of the case is.
Continue reading ‘Goddess Martial ARTS’

02
Nov
16

To Whore or Not to Whore Part 2

Survival sex work doesn’t take thought in the same way that blocking a punch coming at your face is an instinctual move for most. Taking the time to assess whether you can meet your basic needs in other ways is comparable to the thought process of assessing why you even had to block a punch to the face in the first place.  This is the art part of martial arts. It is different from “self defense.” I was indeed a front line soldier for many years, so self defense was necessary but “it (to be in the war, to fight, to survive, to struggle)”, I learned, like everything was ALSO a choice. 

If you are doing survival sex work you are not in control of the working conditions or clients and it is often an act of desperation not empowerment.  The funny thing is when I called myself a “whore revolutionary,” I also referred to my work as a matter of survival NOT choice.  I empowered myself in my survival versus my choice, I likened myself to a suicide bomber in an occupation I inherited.  It was a slippery slope, and I predictably slipped to surrender to the greater elements constantly wearing me down, including mainly my own thinking around these issues, which I was not ready to admit until I was ready to submit.


Sex work is ONLY empowering when you WANT TO DO IT and you get to do it HOW and WHEN YOU WANT to do it.  


When I am working online looking for jobs and opportunities in Japan that I can do without a visa, I look for hours on craigslist.  Just like any metropolitan city craigslist there are ads for adult video models and escorts and various other things in the sex industry.  I shoot off emails with sexy photos to see what kind of entity i’m working with, whether or not they will actually respond and if they can tempt me further.  Every month living in Japan and paying rent is a challenge for me. I don’t go out and party much because of my limited income, i don’t get to go to a lot of basic social things in the center of the city like a Japanese or boxing class because traveling there requires $10 on the train and usually whatever cost of the event and a meal or two.  I imagine myself living under a bridge with the other homeless in Japan or trying to live in a shelter of some kind with all my huge piles of luggage and my guitar.  I wrack my brain trying to market all the different skills i have in the different sections of jobs offered. I am a freelance writer, i can teach English, i can teach Tantra to groups and individuals, i can do things in food service, I am great with children…Is it really time to pull out the goddess standards and make my money by any means necessary? I meditate on it.


One of my first Tantra clients in Tokyo paid my regular rate for a non intercourse, energy based session. I thought he would be a repeat client, we seemed to hit it off well. I kept in contact with him for a couple months while I travelled and upon returning back to Tokyo I asked him if he wanted another Tantra session. It seemed he wanted more than I was willing to offer as thegoddess.  He wanted an escort. After a long annoying conversation, he ended it with, “Give me a call if you ever decide you want to escort again. Ganbatte (good luck).”  Normally I would have instantly deleted his contact, but i kept it like it was an EMERGENCY CONTACT because I knew that maybe that day in Japan would come and I might have to call him up and give him the date I wasn’t willing to give that day. I had already been to his upscale high rise apartment and knew some of his story, so, it would be a safe person to escort with if that day ever did need to come.  

I had started a crowd fundraiser to pay rent but also entitled a VIBE RAISER so that I could RAISE THE VIBRATION of my potential, of my possibilities, to remind me of the work I was brought to do in Japan.  I sent off a quick message to him and he was less than friendly in his response. I reminded him of his escorting proposal some months ago. I was cold and detached and removed from my body. Totally opposite of thegoddess in the VIBERAISER video singing and asking a crowd of followers to help support her mission.


“Is that offer still on the table?” I messaged.

We proceeded to engage in a long detailed negotiation about what I would and wouldn’t do for how much.  These kinds of conversations I hadn’t had in years as a goddess but that I was relegating myself to for SURVIVAL. I was swallowing my pride and willing myself to take it because it wasn’t going to be so bad and all these other reasons.  He seemed surprised that I even had a right to any boundaries or respect, though I had taught him how to honor me as a goddess before, he seemed to forget it all. He even asked “So why have you decided to call me now?” These types of emotionally triggering questions, that in my past I would answer with frank fearlessness. But I knew better than to bite the hand before it fed me.  “So, you need support?” he asked. “I need a client.” I answered stoicly, trying hard to bite my tongue and stay in the safety zone. “Isn’t that the same thing?” “NO.” I said without elaboration.  My coldness of heart made even me shudder.  I knew it would be the same when I saw him, which would make me likely a terrible lover when and if the time came. i resented him so much and his line of questioning, his arrogance, his lack of Godliness. i resented that I was even asking, that I had to constrict my soul so much to have a basic negotiation conversation. I hadn’t felt like that in years.  I went lap swimming to change my energy and do some moving meditation. i asked the Universe,”Is this REALLY what I am supposed to be doing here? Is this the answer you are giving me now?” Swimming. Swimming. Meditating. Moving.

The next day said client texted after all of what I felt to be painful negotiation that my rate for escorting (seen as more than the session completed before for the same price) was too much. Ended with another Good Luck to you.

I rejoiced. DELETED his messages and number and proceeded to remove that plan from my consciousness. it was a valiant effort.  I was not sure HOW a solution would replace this, but I was 1000% sure that HE was not offering any part of it.

I did another VIBERAISER/FUNDRAISER video without alluding to any of that interaction. I was ready to trust in new solutions instead of relegate to ones that I had known before.

Later that evening, a friend who had actually “broken up” with me randomly messages thru Facebook. “Hey, Im starring in a music video tonite in Shibuya. We need an Asian woman to wear a G string and play a prostitute in a hotel room with a Yakuza gangster. It pays $275 (my fundraiser goal was $500) if you can get down here in a couple hours.”

YES. YES. YES. YES. Y.  E.  S!!!!!!

VIBERAISER SUCCESS. Intentions heard thru the world in loud, magnificent volumes.

YOU ARE NO LONGER MEANT TO BE A WHORE.

 But all your experiences in life will put you in the greatest position to capitalize where others dare not enter, because they could not even imagine where you’ve been.

THIS WAS the Real WHORE REVOLUTIONARY not ANY of that shit I was doing before.  I never again have to question if that day will come in Japan, because it already did and thegoddess levitated above it all. 




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