Archive for the 'herpes' Category


Where’s Your SelfEfuckingSteem? Send Out The Clowns!

Today I killed a clown, or did a clown kill me?  I was feeling so fucking great waking up with someone holding me again, wrapping their arms around me and kissing me and kissing me and kissing me.  Someone massaged my shoulders and made me breakfast again one morning…I was doing everything better.  I wasn’t seeing this person or talking to him every day.  I wouldn’t allow myself to spend all day in bed love bonding with orgasms to fuel the toxic formula which has been proven to be the downfall of most codependent relationships…

Where is your self efuckingsteem?” He asked me when I picked him up shitfaced from OccupyLA.  I thought it was funny when he said it at the time, I really did.

[If you treat me like shit] I will NOT love you LONG TIME.  Nope.  Definitely not.  This I know from experience, especially if someone causes me so much pain in such a short period of time.  Luckily all this stuff goes in vicious cycles, so if you missed it the first time it hit you [me] in the face, rest assured it would come around again and again and again and as you kept trying so hard to juggle all the balls, they kept being thrown at you and all of them falling faster than the music, faster than you could chase after them down the hill, onto the freeway, lost forever….

I found out today that I have codpendent tendencies, but no, I am not a hopeless codependent.  I am becoming less and less so with every romantic partner.  They are following a vicious cycle, but they are coming in and out of my life like acid rain storm clouds.  Messing up my atmosphere and then it clears up faster and faster and faster disappearing into another bright and sunny Los Angeles day.  Rinse.  Repeat.

Love and Sex addicted I am not.  My counselor is always suggesting I go to meetings of different types.  I look up the definitions and read the meeting descriptions and laugh.  the funny thing is that once I stopped using weed, the sex between us changed.  it was sooo amazing the first night and then it was decent, but he still needed to be trained.   It was the intimacy/cuddling/affection and passionate kissing is what I live for everytime.  It’s what I turn my phone off and drive across town to get even for a little bit.  Even if it means sleeping on a mattress on the floor in a messy 23 year old’s room in his mama’s house.   I had temporarily quit using marijuana for most of this affair, which was related to me catching a cold and wanting to have a different relationship to substances of my own accord.  Now that I look back on it, that’s how I should have seen that he was an addict.  Because he was in no way trying to respect my desire to try to be sober, trying to get me to break and give in to using weed every time we saw each other.  It was pretty easy to resist as I was determined.  Even when I told him it was for the future baby (not his necessarily).  This is why he didn’t drive.  This is why he had a broken collarbone and a broken heart.  I only went back to MaryJane tonite but I don’t feel guilty about it.  I knew I would break down and use when it was “absolutely neccessarily.”   I felt stronger instantly.   It was Maryjane or the clown.  And I chose wisely.

This affair was short but sweet sixteen days,  because we went through all of the same bits and pieces faster for some reason.  He flaked on me again.  Twice in a row, the second time was the last time.  He was unapologetically drunk again and I did not desire to pick him up and make things better with his alcoholic embrace.  The last time was to fix my pathology and this time would be to appease his, and I was able to refuse it much easier.  An obnoxious drunk is easier to turn down than a slick romantic abuser manipulator.  If he had called me up drunk telling me that he was sorry he didn’t mean to hurt me, he needed help or some other smoother story like my other abusers were able to come up with other than the sorry pathetic one he presented I may have gone to pick him up instead of cut him off.

I did not imagine that he was massaging his female friend’s shoulders in front of me the other day. She was low key challenging my worth, even asking me where I went to school. (I have a Master’s Degree actually, I told her).  I didn’t like the situation at all. I felt like I was amazing artist Frida Kahlo watching her asshole fat ass non deserving but talented husband Diego Rivera paw her sister in front of her (“I know I don’t believe in monogamy, but I know I don’t feel good right now”) It challenged my views on open relationships and non monogamy even though me and the clown were not yet in an official relationship he knew that I liked him and should have talked to me about her before touching her in front of me.   Jealousy and pain.  Too much too fast.  Do they do this on purpose just to see if you will still be there after they shoot daggers at you?

He actually told me that he wanted to keep fucking me and stop kissing me when I told him I had herpes.  I burst into tears and cried so hard all day that my eyes hurt at night. (you cannot automatically get herpes from kissing/fucking someone with herpes, even if they have an outbreak on their lip (tho of couse MORE risky indeed as any open sore is), but it is especially not risky if they don’t though the “always contagious”  and “even condoms won’t protect you” doctrine is still prescribed by some doctors and sex educators).  I don’t even get those big open sores that you often see on people’s lips.  And condoms don’t protect you when your making out with someone, that is the reason behind that statement.

I did not use weed to feel better that day.  I called him and asked him to make it better, to kiss away the pain he had caused..   I do not kiss my clients because I want every kiss I give someone to mean something.  I want commercial intimacy and personal intimacy to always be different and mostly but not always something special. It makes making out with someone as exciting as it was when I used to do it at an 8th grade dance at times.   I don’t have the strength to fight the whore stigma anymore these days.  I really really don’t, even though when I wear my fancy sexy whore revolutionary outfit it appears as if I do.  And I do on the outside.  A trained warrior.  Just not on the inside.   I’d been through too much lately.  Had a shit of time internet dating on several sites,  so I had literally just given it up before I met him.  He was like a godsend when I met him at a Burningman party.  I stumbled into someone I had been looking for on the internet in the “real world.”  The first day he made me cry so hard was the first time I asked him to make things better in his embrace.  “You need to make it better.” I cried, knowing that that was just a band aid solution and that I was willingly following an unhealthy relationship pattern that was too familiar to me.  I am a survivor of relationship violence, so I will always have a tendency to seek comfort in asking the violator to heal me when I can.  And of course, he did, gave me a colorful lollipop to cheer me up (in one hand, and a can of Modelo beer in the other) when I picked him up and kissed me passionately, holding my face like I love, filling me with hot flames of desire, making me feel whole again as I rocked my hips towards him.  Later that night as we were walking to the protest (it was awesome that we were both activist/artist types), he was laughing while I was telling him about my feelings from the day and I guess I punched him pretty hard in the chest to stop his laughter.  I didn’t think that I did but he acted pretty wounded.  It’s likely since I’ve returned to martial arts and he made me cry earlier that I could have hit him harder than I thought.  But this is another codependent trick, to flip the blame on the victim. (An ex abuser has started an argument based on the fact that I “accidentally grazed him in the balls on purpose”)  Now I am the abuser.  I have been the person to hit my boyfriends in the arm or chest (the way you may have seen teenage couples fight)  or make violent motions towards their face without touching them to express my anger and desire to tear into them for the pain they have given me.  This is still violence I know.  I know.  If a man did this to me it would be equally problematic.  Now I am the one who should apologize profusely.  Good trick.  Do it again.  Again! Again! Again!

But the later offenses weren’t fixable with an apology or an embrace.  I had seen it before and I had walked away before.  Except the last time it took me 2.5 months and way, way more damage than this little affair had caused.

I went to (my best friend that died at 26) David’s burial ground and held my palms out and stared into his gravestone, hoping to channel his love and support, hoping like I have many times before to get his ghost to appear and talk to me for a few minutes.  I needed a friend bad.  I needed a lover and this floppy clown came along.  It was super fun for a while and taught me so much about me.  It was because I was more sober I was able to see his addictions with a clearer lens.  But I am no classic codependent, and he was a classic case of a borracho payaso drunkard.  Big clown shoes and sad story of time and creative potential wasted, lover after lover of his gone lost and walked away in sadness and anger before me and after me too no doubt…Promising talent, dedicated to his craft and a heart with the potential to shine a room full of children or make even the smartest, sexiest female in the room take him home.  But he clearly had no self esteem only self hatred that filled his belly which was not fat with food.  not fat with love.  Addicts make it so hard to be loved but they want and need it the most.  I know this because I have fallen in love with too many of them, except that they were closet addicts able to hold up a facade much better than this clown so our affairs would end up being longer.  No mas.  Where is my self efuckingsteem?  I still have it apparently.  I would rather be codependent with Maryjane than an alcoholic.  What I was proving to myself lately though was that I wasn’t a drug addict, I could exist without cannabis medicating through traumatic times, through the triggers, through the sadness.  But tonight,  I took comfort in her vapor and through the steam cloud I was able to dry my tears and open my eyes and see again.  I am going to use weed differently.  I am still committed.  I am going to love and do relationships differently.  I already have been.  I mourn for the loss of him and placed his number on my wireless carrier block list.  The familiar block list that I put all my ex boyfriends and lovers so I do not have to cave into them calling me in the middle of the night with sweet promises, even if they talk of them after the pain has subsided months later….I will not go back.

Yes, I am a naive child spirit that still wanders lost in the body of a 35 year old woman, but apparently I am not as vulnerable and desperate as I look sometimes.  I did do better this time, So send out the clowns.


reverse escorting for the single provider

All my single ladies!  yes, you the ones that are not in a primary pair bond, who do NOT find themselves hugging someone close to them at night before they bed, who do NOT wake up to a lover looking at them, begging them for morning sex…who do not get the intimacy they need because they’ve decided or not decided that they are better off alone, happen to be single or escaping a horrific partner…do YOU KNOW what I mean when I say that sometimes we “get paid to get ours?”

This is more true than EVER when you are not overloaded with the sex of a primary cohabitating relationship like the kinds that I have found myself in in the last 3 years.  I’ve lived with two different guys for 2.5 years total.  I made a point to make the sex in sex work quick and utilitarian.  I had no motive to orgasm, except when I was hired by couples or I was pleasantly suprised.  I was getting taken care of at home, and because of the nature of the relationships that I was in, it was almost a requirement to save most of your enjoyment and enthusiasm for the guy that waited for you outside of your show to drive you home and fuck you to prove that his shit was better than any trick he drove you to see.

It’s been a little over 3 months since I broke up with my last codependent abusive guy whom, I admittedly had fallen in quick love with for 3 months.  This is what strung the noose of his abuse and made it so easy to overtake some of my will over the insane course of events and lies that he spewed in such a short period of time.  I am a hopeless sucker for romance and attentive compassion.  Him being an experienced textbook abuser had all of those tools in his belt but it’s false promises didn’t hold me for longer than 3 months.  I have very low tolerance for being called out of my name repeatedly and treated like trash and contrary to popular belief it wasn’t THAT part of the relationship which kept me, it was the promises of love and romance which my heart still believes in despite all his abuse.

REVERSE ESCORTING: Since becoming a single lady again, I have to find a way to fulfil my need for orgasms, sexual pleasure AND intimacy without a partner to get these things from.  Sex work is not the only outlet that I have but, when you are as busy as i am and work for a demanding agency, it is not only convenient but sensible to make the most out of the dates that you have to go on.

I barter for perks.  I have always tried to enjoy my job.  As much as possible.  If they have a nice soft bed that is seemingly made of clouds, then I might be encouraged to spend more time there.  If there is a hot tub with a whirlpool, a steamroom for my asthma, room service dinner with wine, a Laker game, a sunset island cruise, a waterfall over a sparkling swimming pool that we can sunbathe and swim in naked…and you can make me cum?  wow.  then i am yours!  how exciting for me that I am getting paid for all of this as well!  fuck yea! i love my job! i’m exclaiming on the inside as I roll around in the 600 thread count sheets and down duvet on the canopy bed overlooking the ocean…

It’s been over 3 months since I’ve had a lover sleep in my bed and roll around all day with me.  It was a gray and fiercely rainy day in Los Angeles.  Client and I were coming down from partying the night before.  (him more than me…i had gotten some sleep)  I proposed that he come over to my house and spend the day with me for free.  Strangely, at first he turned the offer down, even making a dramatic “Just drop me off” charade before jumping back in my car.  He was offended that I charged him for ONE HOUR and gave him 23 for free?  Puhlease boy, get back in the car, I said, and easy enough as it was to get him to go to the ATM to get my donation was it easy enough to kidnap him back to my place to fulfil my need to be cuddled in my come down with affection and sex while the gray hours of Sunday passed from outside my bedroom window.  I wasn’t going to beg.  I was preparing myself to allow him to be dropped off.  He was STILL a client in my eyes, although an adored one that i had created a special bond with, since he had helped me get my car engine fixed last month.  I was careful not to let this client slip too quickly into freebie land.  My rate steadily goes down every time we see each other and I know that it will be over soon unless I am willing to convert to real dating status, which because of our differences is probably not really possible.  As your escort, I stay neutral and try to remain likeable, as your real girlfriend I make you put up with who I am for who I am and I am unwilling to make changes to lots of things for any partner’s needs, demands or insecurities.    “if you want me to turn my phone off and just be with you, then you HAVE to donate, babe.” I said.”I don’t have the luxury to lay in bed all day and not work..” If he had left me then, I still would have laid in bed all day but instead be lonely and probably not have enough energy to go out on calls.

I needed him as much as he needed me.  We fulfilled a purpose of intimacy for each other and it was wonderful.  It was exactly what I needed and wanted.  I gave him the ultimate girlfriend experience without the usual barriers and rules.  We kissed a few times.  I kissed his head while I held him.  I am very affectionate.  I LOVE TO LOVE.

I allowed him to do things to my body that only “real lovers” get access to.  (Anal and kissing)  I allowed him into my bed.  He is not the best lover in the world, but we have a great emotional energy that connects between us and allows us to exchange sexual and intimate energy often without penetration because he always has coke dick.

I tried to have sex as a release with one of my new drivers (even though that is totally against my rules), which turned out to be a mistake.  I ended that one as soon as possible, and even though he was not a client, the sex was too much like a job.  He was out of my place as soon as he came in.  I gave up on him, “You can just cum now..”I said giving him the tap on the shoulder sign.  The guy had worked as a stunt cock in some porn videos recently and he seemed totally opposed to foreplay which didn’t work for me.  Ironically he had a problem with the fact that I had herpes, when little to his knowlege alll porn star girls end up getting herpes because they don’t test for it in their work clearances.  He was willing to eat their pussies without a dental dam but not mine?  Puhlease.

I LEFT WRITING THIS POST TO MEET W/ A CLIENT..Innocent 20 year old newbie.  His first time was a rip off and he was really really trying to get me to say exactly what I would do for how much.  I had just gotten nearly arrested in front of a Starbucks in LA by the same newbie routine but this guy seemed to fit the characteristics of not being a cop but i was still nervous about verbalizing words of prostitution.  Even as I alluded to them, I waited nervously for the back up vice squad to come rushing in, even though it was 1:30am and I knew that vice busts don’t usually happen so late at night.  (they like to start them early because it takes so many hours to book a girl, typically they try to set us up at 10 or 11pm).

I was doing a lot of cuddling and massaging because he was so intent on getting a full hour of whatever it was that I was offering, so I had to extend my usual routine.  Admitedly the massage part of the routine is usually only 20 minutes and the sex part is about 15 minutes, my shower is 5, closing banter is 5 and we’re both out the door in LESS THAN AN HOUR in a typical date.  It’s always PAINFULLY obvious when you get the guys who need you to spend all SIXTY minutes on them because those guys are the ones with the least to contribute to the chemistry.  This is why reverse escorting techniques are often needed for single girls like myself.  The typical escort routine can seem a little rote and impersonal even if it is cordial and there is a genuine energy exchange.

The massage part is essential because it makes it easier for two strangers two have sex with each other without much introduction.  Skin on skin and breath on back and neck are the best motivators for erection, connection, orgasm…I’ve never formally studied tantra but I believe that this is what it is for me and my client and how I practice it.

For me, it has to be that i feel enticed by the personality of the client, he has a wonderfully luxurious bed, maybe there are drugs involved which help to ease the social awkardness (or sometimes create more) OR he is hot and I would probably have fucked him for free, or there is just a distinct energy that nurtures that part of my soul that NEEDS mutual intimacy as much as he does.  Not everyone sends that energy out, so it doesn’t always reach me.  I am not pursuing these men like I would be in “regular” dating situations so if they decide to not provide for me, it is not a big deal usually because I was initially there to provide for them, and, to get paid to do so.  Reverse escorting is still a pride game.  The ball is still in my court for as long as I can hold it there.  Sometimes when I proposition for a second or extended date, even if it is for FREE, they reject it.  The real girlfriend experience is not part of their desire.  GFE just means unprotected blowjobs and kissing to some people I guess, even though that isn’t THIS provider’s definition..I try to snatch it up in the moment where it lives.  I still get paid for my time, but I give free extensions if they are willing to please me.  I am extremely tickled at how my new website states “Flexibility with my rates depend on how good of a time i am having” LOL truth spoken but still vague.  I love it.

The 20 year old and I did not have a genuine connection.  It doesn’t work with everyone.  He was ready to leave after he had an orgasm, which is what they usually want to do, which is fine fine fine with me.  This left 10 minutes to spare.  He didn’t want to try to come again.  hey, really no sweat on my part, I said.  I don’t actually include “multiple pops” in my rate, i’m just doing it because i’m trying to give you a good newbie impression really, I thought.  I even got him to tip me!

I had to save up nearly $2400 ($1800 + rental fees) to rebuild my engine which recently died and I hustled like a hooker on crack for weeks to attain that goal with the help of the agency bookings and my own private clientele.  When I finally reached my goal and I was ready to pick up my repaired Sasha Gray (the name of endearment for my Gray sports coupe that fuels all my girlfriend experiences ala Sasha Gray in the GFE titled movie) and return the rental, I asked my last client who was a young whoreaphobic but cute client if I could just sleep over for a few hours which I did.  I convinced him to cuddle me in his arms and I knew that I was breaking all his stereotypes with every word and breath that escaped my mouth.  “it’s all in your mind…”I said,”I’m just like any other girl…” He had made some sarcastic comment about “oh, the prostitute knows about safe sex?” and I responded,”why would I NOT know about safe sex? it’s my job.”  I reverse escorted him for the nite but knew he wouldn’t be calling me again.  His shame and stigma would prevent him from doing so.  I had worked soo hard to save up so much money for the repair on top of my regular rent and expenses that I just needed someone to cuddle me until it was time to pick up my car at the MINIMUM.  What I could have used was a bunch of soft kisses while saying,”I’m so proud of you baby, Congratulations.  You’re such a fucking awesome hustler.”  He gave me a couple of orgasms instead and his dick felt amazing inside of me so I let him have sex with me way more times than the average John..We both got our monies worth, sort of.


But that’s alright because I LOVE the way you LIE

Rihanna has become one of my heroes of late. Eminem has always represented all the guys I’ve ever dated, so it’s fucking brilliant that they decided to do this video together. He’s a great artist. Amazing lyricist. A known abuser and now recovered drug addict. Always the image of a great and loving father. A crazy alter ego that has violent and misogynistic thoughts on every album. On this song Eminem forces Rihanna to sing the role of her victimhood in a way that soon may become more of a verb more than her own name. The archetype of a triumphant and Glamorous Survivor. “Tougher than a lion.. no pain is forever, Yep you know this.” The one we all want to be once the bruises (if there are physical bruises) heal. “She Rihannaed through that situation..” I just heard one of my ex boyfriends’ names being used as a verb by way of another boyfriend I am attempting to ex out…”I Jimmyed that relationship so I could stay at her house another week.” he said. (which means he freeloaded rent and board off of a girl he was dating in exchange for mediocre relationship moments). Ah, the oh so familiar financial abuser that too many “independent women” seem to pair up with. I think Ne-Yo wrote that song for those guys, rather than as a fucking compliment to any women. It was dedicated to all the free loading men that Beyonce and Destiny’s Child in Pay My Bills talk about..

I’m not sure why the boyfriends that I started to get after 22 became tumultuous. (GREEK CHORUS: Because you became a sex worker, LOL! LOL!)  I’m not sure why after being single for 9 years did I fall in love with someone who was so similar in both beautiful and fucked up ways as this other first love of mine who was a closet heroin user who i spent 10 months with in the Mission District of San Francisco trying to heal, love and mentor when I was 23. Different illnesses and issues, different people, same manic cycle, similar beautful lies… I hear myself in Rihanna’s voice as she talks so lovingly about Chris Brown and his future. She wants him to just “grow up and learn from this experience.” She still loves him. Love doesn’t go away right away. she says and I know this so well. An abuser is often the adult victim of child abuse or assault and the other partner often feels sorry for that little boy inside the man that lashes out at her while she tries to mother him. Repeating the cycle of the abuse between the childs parents and the tension between the abused mother and son.

I wasn’t beat up and left in a car before I was supposed to attend the Grammy’s but I’ve been deeply entrenched in other forms of relationship violence almost all of the relationships that I’ve had for the last 10 years. I would throw ‘benign’ objects (like a bag of fast food, a large soda; separate occasions) at one of my ex boyfriends to get his attention and wipe the stupid blank look off his face when I told him to get a job and pay some rent, for instance.  I’ve had another someone I was in love with threaten by text message to do a drive by on my house and set my kar on fire…I told him if he was going to do that he should be the one to pull the trigger [so I could look in his eyes while I died for “love.”] but I knew it wasn’t a serious threat, it was a twisted thought from a very lost person.

I never thought he would do it, but the fact that I have, like Rihanna heard what it sounds like when this person that you think that you are in love with tells you that they are going to kill you [if you stop loving them].

*   *  *   *  *  *   *   *   *  *

I was the one who demanded that Jimmy and I go to counseling together but soon realized that because I was the one instigated physical violence, I was therefore the ‘abuser’ and they wouldn’t see us together as a couple while ‘physical abuse’ was occurring in the relationship. So I quickly learned to control my physical reactions and started to use my voice and just scream my frustrations at him, which did not come out as words but aimed to be a vocal assault of some sort to get him to stop his behavior and see that I was becoming enraged. One time I remember gesturing punches towards his face that were controlled enough to not touch his face but show that I wanted to physically assault him because I was so angry. Things got better over time. We learned how to work better with each other. But I was unhappy for 8 months having this roomate that I didn’t want and couldn’t seem to get rid of before I finally called the cops on him. One day, he decided to get something and he wouldn’t stop calling and knocking on the front door when he arrived uninvited. I was trying to create a new space boundary since he had finally left my house. He had finally packed up his stuff to move out after pleading with him for months to leave. but he was back on a day that we weren’t scheduled to hang out and I didn’t feel like letting him in or answering his phone calls. I have 3 phones and a front door and he was blowing up all of them. In a panic I called 911 and they arrived after almost 40 minutes and 2 calls. I didn’t really feel that he would hurt me, but I had just been pushed to the point of police intervention by this guy after months of warning him that I would do exactly what I ended up doing.  I asked his parents for help with the situation and they shook their heads and told me to call the cops and that I allowed this to continue and they couldn’t help him because he was an adult.

I firmly believed that if someone is knocking on your front door and they won’t go away that you have a right to call the police to ask them to go away. “Are you still in a relationship with this guy?” officer 1 asked.
“yes.” I said, “but he is not supposed to be here right now. I want him to leave and he won’t.”  I had told him that we would stay together in a relationship but he would agree to move out, and I believed that we really were going to be able to do this.
“We don’t police people’s relationships ma’am.” officer 2 said. “someone has to go to jail nowadays, people’s lives are changed because of these calls.” It was a hard call because it wasn’t exactly a DV related 911 call, but it was. I don’t remember how I finished my conversation with them to close the door, but I remember seeing him in the back of the car in cuffs while they searched his car and crying at the sight of what I had just done. I was on the phone with my therapist while looking out the window. That was the last time I saw him. He didn’t return to my house, nor did he return a suitcase and laptop that I had basically let him use during the duration of our relationship just to add insult to injury. He was pissed I called the cops on him so he decided to keep $600 worth of my stuff.

It all occured when i was brand new to Facebook last year. The open ended “What’s on your mind?” was too much of an open space for me to not pour out what was happening from my desktop to reality. I Facebooked it while it was happening without caring about other people’s triggers or discomfort. “If you call the cops on your man, does that mean the relationship is over?” and someone’s response was,” no because when he gets out its gonna be the best sex you ever had and then some!” it made me laugh. you somehow have to find light with these things, and there’s no one better than the victims themselves to make a joke out of a serious matter. I’m just going to call the abusers the victims too because even punching the drywall beside someone’s face is a sign of your victimhood. It is abusive. It is a sign that you are unable to control your anger. You are a victim of your rage and your demons. Your lust when you end up having that make up sex. Your weaknesses when you go back to them. But I have learned so much with every fight that I have endured, and I can truly say that I can fight stronger and better and not allow myself to retaliate and stoop to the level that would lead us into that raging bullfight that is in the video which ends up in unprotected drunk sex spawning a devil unplanned retarded baby. At some point you learn not to take it there, and for some people, they NEVER LEARN. “If he EVER lays a hand on me,” the high school girl feminist proclaims,”I’M LEAVING.” But may she learn that it is never that clean and easy and more often than not, they DON’T hit you with their hands to cause the most abuse.

Eminem’s recent video truly reveals the complexity of relationship violence from what seems like a young addicts perspective. It is a paradigm I am too familiar with having fallen in love with people with addictions OR who might as well be drug addicts because they act that way anyway without drugs. Yes, we still live in a sexist patriarchal world but the reality of domestic violence has changed since the Battered wife image of the 80’s and 90s that Barbara Walters is still polishing the framework for. Eminem’s video and lyrics reveal that complexity. He has a phone number on his hand that she sees. She gets so raging mad that she SPITS in his face while he holds her down. I realize mostly that in these situation that there is ALWAYS a back and forth. He says something. She says something worse. He does something to spite her. She does something manipulative and vindictive to spite him. Sleeps with a co-worker or best friend. Texting a working girl in front of your girlfriend because you know that they will call back or text to get you into the fight that you secretly ask for.  This is how Rihanna and Chris started brawling.  Over another woman’s text message.   Psychological WARFARE. Another woman’s voice, even if she is no real threat but a created threat by a manipulative and demented lover.  This is how the 21 year olds girlfriend found out about me and I about her.  I called his phone and she answered.  this is how she got my phone number to harass me.  Dirty, grimy immature antics made only from the insane minds of people so enraptured in the madness of their own NON LOVE that they can’t stop to think about what they are actually doing.  Some of them, who were born and raised in abuse need to be told better.

“You DON’T say those things to someone that you JUST SAID that you LOVE.”

“SPEAK TO ME LIKE SOMEONE YOU LOVE.” (I just saw a book with this title on this topic at the bookstore)

and this really IS  a new concept to them.  One that they can learn if you can teach them fast enough (and they are willing to learn).

I don’t let lovers or friends make a joke out of me as a regular habit.  Hard love and cruel jokes= humiliation to me.  I grew up as the youngest child and black sheep and am still treated like a 2nd class citizen in some ways by some of my family so I will not tolerate a relationship where I feel like someone’s little sister.  A little humor is healthy, but constant and subtle degradation through mockery, passive agressive comments, passive aggressive jealousy,  is NOT healthy for your lovers, partners or children, it adds up and spills over like a symbollic cup of violence disguised as a slow poison like the syrup of sweet Coca Cola.

I love the scene in the Eminem video where the two are sitting in the aftermath of their own destruction bonding on the light energy of their broken and dysfunctional love. I’ve felt that glowing energy between myself and the most beautiful and worst liars that I have ever loved. I believed that our love was the only true thing about the mess we were in. “Love is blind.” Rihanna says.”FUCK LOVE. Look at your situation from the 3rd person and see it for what it really is.” Great advice. Now applying it to your own life is the harder part. Only someone whose experienced a violent love like hers could even understand that love energy can exist and glow even in the ugliest and most brutal relationships sometimes. Everyone else is probably so judgmental. The abusers that I have known (physical, verbal, finnancial, chemical) have all had a magical romantic gift, charming and endearing a promise of a perfect love that lasts for a few days, a few sweet emails, until BOOM. explosion. and it always repeats.  The 21 year old that I had blogged about before that was cheating on his girlfriend to have an affair with me was an abuser.  I could sense it.  I was part of his abuse, I was the other woman, and at first I was laughing about it.  She was psycho and irritating and perhaps I have gained such a hard skin about insults via text message because I ignored so many of hers.  This 21 year olds cock WAS magical and magnetic though.  I do remember the magnetic power I had to turn away from with all my might.  This is coming from someone who is totally not dick centered, not entirely attracted to genitalia but I knew a good thing when I felt it.  It was quite possibly the best dick I’ve could remember having, but I BROKE LOOSE FROM IT without much damage!

EVERYONE has a QUICK solution to it and an opinion. No one understands but those that are in it that it is a longer process than we would often like it to be, but “just getting up and leaving” is sometimes just not a reality for most of us. Rihanna said she went back 8 or 9 times.  The abused and hurt child desperately needs to have the abuser apologize and caress their wounds and tell them that they did not mean to do the things that they did.

What are your boundaries and how long will YOU let someone go before you pull out the stops on your relationship?

Has anyone ever stolen money from you? Spit in your face? Punched a wall beside your head? Crashed or smashed your car? Used a traumatic part of your past as a verbal assault during a fight? threaten to call your probation officer with lies about you? “joked” about cutting off your dick if you cheat?

Snoop Dogg has a song about the manipulation that goes on with the new DV laws called, “First one gets to the phone, the other one’s going to jail..” The urban reality of relationship violence, hip hop, people of color and probation officers is sung about in a humorous way..A LOT of the Black and Brown community is on probation or in jail or prison so this form of institutionalized racism helps to use domestic violence to further tear families and relationships apart.  Or does it help to protect the victims by giving them ammunition to shoot back at their abusers?

Eminem’s video reveals well the cycle of violence told through the push and pull and the back and forth of the whole thing. I know for some reason that I am a red hot magnet for men and women with major trauma issues because I have my own and that often leads to the kind of relationships where people have to work out through acting out until they understand how to communicate in all the ways that they lacked as a child. I am better now because I’ve burned in those bedrooms. I think I know how to walk away. I just wonder why no matter how far I walk I seem to keep encountering these classic romantic turned abusive characters that are out of these pop stars music videos. Is it because I am so fucked up and labeled a wreck myself that I just can’t stay away from them, or could it be that relationship violence is more common that those of us that are so judgmental would like to admit. Are YOU guilty?


Even hot sexy people have it

I wanted to stop fucking talking about herpes in this next post, but seeing as I have it for life, I guess it will just have to keep popping up.  Literally.  I’ve only been aware that I carry the virus since May.  That was probably the shittiest birthday ever.  My lip got infected and swelled to hot dog bun size and my craptastic relationship was reaching an all time crappy high.  I went to the emergency room for an infected lip because i put HERPES ointment on my lip piercing wound.  That’s how it got infected.  Psychosomatic stress reaction.

this is my image of a generic male model quality hot guy in LA who could possibly have herpes

Herpes : Some Facts You Should Know About HSV 1-2

Herpes is a common virus that affects 1 in 4 adults. Often people don’t even know they have the virus because it doesn’t cause any symptoms. They may not have an outbreak until years after they get infected. There are two types of herpes viruses and they are called HSV 1 and HSV 2.

Under a microscope, HSV 1 and HSV 2 look essentially the same. HSV 1 is usually responsible for oral herpes and can cause sores around the mouth and on the face. HSV 2 generally causes sores on the genitals. HSV – Herpes Simplex Virus: even hot sexy people you fuck have it.

OKAY…NOW THAT WE’VE HAD THAT REVIEW.  That’s 1 out of 4 of your sexual encounters.  That’s a lot if you’re an average single sexually active person, but if you are a sex worker it’s going to be a weekly encounter likely.

Super hot hot male model quality guy calls the agency I work for and I am so happy that he is the one walking to the gate.  As a previously traumatized bisexual sex worker, I have to tell you for men to be PHYSICALLY  attractive to me on first intro, they have to just be stunning.  And stunning in a certain non threatening or unique way.  Just being a male model type or a body builder for sure won’t sway my libido.  Sometime after about age 20, I became turned off to men’s bodies for the most part and cock pictures and the idea of male strippers became repulsive to me.  I think that men’s bodies are okay nowadays. To me, a penis is no more of a turn on than a shoulder.  I like women’s boobs, i like looking at vagina (but not in the same way that some guys do) much more than I do penis.  Specifically I found, what I like about men and their masculinity is more acted out that I like.  I like submitting to a male asshole or daddy figure.  In the bedroom, I LOVE the power that men can have over me.

I love the diagonal lines that lead from the bottom of the abdomen into their pants, for instance.  THAT LINE is what you can watch as your gettng pounded and you’re grasping his neck with your legs.  I pull his body out just so I can watch those lines thrust into my body.

I LOVE a well chiseled arm with veins that pop out when the arm is flexed.  I imagine the whole arm is fucking me while his two fingers are fingerbanging my wetness.  I watch his arm and look up at his face.  I am probably screaming and telling him to fuck me harder.

My male model client, whom I’ll call Abercrombie, had those abdomen baselines.  He didn’t quite have the washboard abs like this guy, but the beauty of their faces is similar.  This was a aman who clearly did not need to pay for sex with an escort.  He tells me he is a swinger, lives in the apartment with his fiancee and she doesn’t care about his escapades with Craigslist escorts apparently and according to him is even turned on by whatever he does, because “they’re nasty like that.”

I am NOT a swinger.  I’m not a lifestyle BDSM PLAYER.  Giving free shows and exchanging sexual energy with people  I am not attracted to FOR FREE is so uninteresting and repulsive to me in theory.  But it has mostly to do with the fact that I have trauma issues.  I’ve tried to be parts of different scenes and have retreated out of parties early.  I’ve fucked a couple once in a swinger play space.  That was my one successful swinger story.  It was at a resort in Palm Springs.  I do hear that you can have lots of fun with women there, which is why I went.  There are mostly bisexual women at these types of parties and it can be a really great situation for a single girl like me.

NOw that I am reflecting on it, there have been a couple, about 2 really handsome guys that I have had the pleasure of being with through this agency in the last 3 months.  model quality.  one high on drugs and one sober.  Agency work can be good for meeting hot people.  couples especially.  Rich blonde party housewives with fake boobs.

Swingers are fond of calling themselves “D and D FREE” which means drug and disease free.  I am neither.  LOL.  But I’m still hot and I still want to fuck!  I honestly don’t believe it is POSSIBLE to be disease free if you are an active swinger for  long enough because i NEVER hear about swingers using condoms for blow jobs and dental dams and gloves for anal and cunnilingus.  NEVER right?  So how can these players say that they are disease free and how LONG will they be able to claim this if herpes infect 1 in 4 people?  It seems almost like ALL of the porn industry must have it.  They couldn’t avoid it probably.

Abercrombie is a swinger and has been for years he says.  He’s fucked 1000s of people he says.  Definitely more than me. I’m not even at 300!  (Not that I officially count anymore..I mean what is 1 person anyway? penetration?  If I count how many encounters with strange men in my industry career, I could say 1000s if we include stripclub customers).

Some guys dicks just feel amazing inside of you and others just don’t fit there.  You can’t feel them no matter what they do.  The puzzle is not congruent. The sex with Abercrombie without disappointment is great.  He’s a great fuck.  I have a nice screaming orgasm as I choke on his dick and then he pounds me until he cums.    I get high off of that energy.  I call it the “fuck rush” and it’s like imbibing their orgasm into your being and carrying it around for an hour or so.   Even if I cum first and am left with that rush in the end without having another orgasm I am still fulfiled.

You get a higher fuck rush if they can fuck you with more stamina.  It’s like a kinetic energy absorbtion I suppose.  The more energy expended on their part…the higher the high and longer lasting afterwards 🙂 All I have to do is sit back with my legs up, make lots of noise and enjoy the ride…This is why I can find some enjoyment in the sex I have with people I am absolutely not attracted to.  I still get a fuck rush when they cum inside of condom inside of me.  I like to imagine it is my the sheer magnificence of my pussy but, in truth it’s probably them doing all the hard work.

After we have our great sex, we have a nice conversation.  Abercrombie is a really nice guy, wants to connect with everyone he fucks it seems and also tells me he’s been a non sexual high class male escort for gay men.  He is a homophillic!  This is a term i made up, but it’s basically the opposite of a homophobe, but someone who attracts homosexuals, but is staunch in staying straight while flirting with gay men.  Homophillics and I usually get along and end up in bed because I like queer-ish straight guys that don’t remind me of hetero privilege and machismo.  Homophillics can usually fuck me really really well too, to compensate for their lifetime of being pursued by gay men.  Many homophillics, especially but not limited to the sex workers  often have a history of being molested by a male adult when they were kids and have learned how to manipulate the libido of other men to their advantage, similar to how female sex workers often think.

Abercrombie talks about being a swinger and being a gay man’s escort who never had sex, cuddles, kissed or even allowed his dates to breath on his neck.  For some reason, gay men paid big money for this tease.  I’m surprised that he didn’t feel pressured to go further.  I really find it hard to believe that he didn’t considering that i KNOW how aggressive men and gay men in hot pursuit in partiuclar, can be.  I have met and had sex with tons of hetero male sex workers that work with gay men in my career but I usually don’t stay in contact with them for too long for some reason.  They can also be assholes.  I think that they are closet bisexuals in denial.  Just drink some Tila Tequila and make out with a guy in front of me!  I dare you..

“If someone had an STD in the swinger community, that would get out right away.” he said.”There are like 2 types of herpes that you can have that could really fuck you up, and there are like 90 other types that you could have and no one would know.”

HE SAID THE H WORD. I look at my phone for a distractor and check the time.  I feel like bailing without disclosing.  I continue listening to him but was clearly feeling uncomfortable.  My work phone was in the car and we had gone around my agency so we could fuck and if I didn’t get back to it, they might know I evaded them.  He was telling me how he had texted his fiancee after we fucked and she said she wanted to smell the puddle I left on their bed.  Typical swingers.  Love the idea of their partner being with other people.

I asked him to walk me to my car, which is something that clients NEVER do but I needed more time to disclose and it seemed like he wanted to talk more but I had to get back to my car to get my phone for the next call.  When I get back to my car, I finally disclose that I have herpes and then he says,”well to tell you the truth, I Have it too. You take Valtrex for it and the sores go away and you’re fine.”  we talked about the stigma of herpes and how we didn’t feel that our sex lives should be destroyed because of it.  We were both guilty of non disclosure and selfishly wanting unprotected oral sex.  He got me to take off the condom while I sucked his cock and I got him to lick my clit a little in order to be convinced…

Every time I disclose to another person that I have herpes it gets easier and it goes well usually.  1 out of 2 times the other person already has it or doesn’t care.

He said I could call him again, and that he would pay me again too.  I could be his little whore again soon?  Even though, I already confessed that I would fuck him for free..

The next morning I felt a irregular tingle down there.  I dug deep inside of my vaginal walls I dug around and felt a cold sore.  DAMMIT.  When you have a cold sore you can “feel” it not just in the area that is infected but in the tissues that are near it.  It’s just like a pimple on your lip.

I usually only get a single cold sore in my gential area and the men that I’ve heard that get symptoms usually get a breakout of 5 or 6 sores all over their penis.  I’d rather have just one thanks.  Everytime I show signs or someone around has an outbreak i get kind of depressed and moody.  I am trying to manage it better now and disclosing to more and more people.  It helps meeting more and more people who already have it.  For some people a pimple on their lip is THE END OF THE WORLD.  I’m sure having herpes for those people is also the END OF THEIR SEX LIFE.  well, for me and Abercrombie; adjustments had to be made.  He says he doesn’t play for a week when he gets an outbreak.  I, on the other hand cannot take a week off of work.  I can try to avoid vaginal sex all this week and I can make an appointment to get a Valtrex prescription tomorrow, but I can’t stop working.  With agency work, because of the mandatory tipping, intercourse doesn’t usually even always happen.

I texted him and he texted me back. “I just wanted to let you know that I got a sore on the inside of my walls after we were together..”

There was no blame or shame in the messages but he was telling me that he hadn’t passed a sore to anyone to his knowlege.  I wanted him to know that he now probably had.  I personally like to make a mental log of how the virus has shown up with myself and all of my partners.

The previously blogged about 21 year old healed up and we fucked a few more times (even when his sores were still healing! Talk about nasty!)  before his dumb girlfriend finally started to make me too sick.  He had gotten her pregnant (his 3rd kid total) and she was now angrier than a Loretta Lynn song housewife that we were still fucking.  He had already given her herpes and that didn’t wake her up to start wearing condoms with him obviously.  The novelty of him was wearing off quick and he was just becoming too much trouble for too little reward.  He was broke and expected me to pick him up and drive him to my house without paying for gas last time and I just wasn’t that dick whipped anymore.  Unlike his pregnant girlfriend that he denied even being with to the very last text message with me, I just wasn’t interested in enabling his stupidity, lies and abuse of the poor girl, even though she was a crazy bitch and I really didn’t care that much about her.  I did them all a favor and told them to all fuck off.  I hoped that Abercrombie would be a better stress free booty call, who was hundred times better looking, sober and just as good of a fuck with no drama from his girlfriend.   I wouldn’t have to ignore stupid text messages about being a dirty herpes whore, working the streets, etc etc, etc.  NOT that I did anything but laugh at them, most of the time.  Abercrombies polyamorous bisexual fiancee would not only be okay with the fact that I was a whore, she KNEW and LIKED that her man was fucking me, we ALL have herpes,  and I sincerely hope that we’re all probably going to fuck each other someday very soon! 😉



i think this needs to be a song…for all my POS people everywhere!


Will it bring us closer or will it be how I lose you?

Forgive me, I still like to believe it doesn’t exist

that I can love you like everyone else

I was so scared to break it to you after we kissed


please just hold me closer

the last person tried to use it to put me down

said if they knew they would never stick around

it damaged my being and my whole

“Keep Spreading the Love” he said.

cutting my soul.


It’s more complicated than you think

you ask me to confess

I feel my heart sink

I walk like you, I talk like you, I dream like you, I fuck like you..I wanna fuck like you…I want to fuck you.


You are only damaged goods

you can pass at the party but you have a secret you should be ashamed of..

Or so they say

but anyway

guys are dogs and women lie so lets just assume so it’s no surprise


I just want you to see me for me

not create an indentity out of whether or not I have an STD


I hope to God you just don’t give a damn

and we can swallow each toher whole and you can love me for who I am…


Teaching You a Lesson or Sexually Assaulting You?

I just wrote my first entry on the Yes mean Yes blog site! I am a voice in a chapter on sex workers in this amazing radical anthology called Yes Means Yes.

reposted in part below:

Taking off a condom in the middle of a sex act…it happened to me a couple of times.  One of the most notable ones was one of the last of 4 sexual assaults in my early 20s which culminated in me realizng that I had survived a series of different sexual assaults between the ages of 17 and 22.  This was just the last of 4 that I would allow to just roll over me like a big crashing wave that nearly drowns me and pushes me down, spitting sand and salt but told to just recover and keep surfing. I was urinating blood in the toilet.  I thought it was an STD.  I went to Planned Parenthood and one of their routine questions traumatized me.  “Could you be at risk of being pregnant or having an STD?”  The last guy I slept with that took the condom off in the middle of our sex came to mind.  I had to say,”Yes.” and take the pregnancy test.  It was traumatic at the time, what has become more routine for me now.  Watching Jerry Springer in the clinic lobby bitterly thinking that for sure I felt violated that I had to endure pain and uncertainty because of his irresponsibility. This one was definitely his fault because he took action to violate an unspoken trust agreement between two people using a condom that that condom should stay on during the entirity of the sex act.  It turned out I had kidney stones and that was why I was bleeding internally but the blood in the toilet was so traumatic that it forced me into a path of rape trauma healing of all my assaults, deal with boundary violations, go to counseling and understand PTSD.  I FELT that the guy who took off the condom violated me, and I experienced it physically (through the kidney stones) and emotionally as such and so to me, it was an assault.  Would the police classify it as such?  Of course not.  Does this guy think he sexually assaulted me?  Of course not.

Fast forward eleven years, 3 of the last of those I’ve worked as an escort in LA and beyond.  I have practiced boundary negotiations with hundreds of clients, customers, dates, boyfriends, and whoevers.  Things still happen.  Violations are part of the occupational hazards of this job.  I work with the herpes virus using barriers to protect my clients and reduction of unprotected oral, when possible.  Recently, the client knew that there wasn’t a condom on and continued to have sex with me.  We had used a condom earlier, but the second time he put it in I didn’t realize there wasn’t a condom until about 15 minutes into it.  I stopped to ask and he replied, “there isn’t one.”  I was pissed.  “That’s it.” I said. “We’re done.” I started packing my work bag and headed for the shower.  With more body language I let him know that I was not happy.  While I was in the shower, I wanted to resolve the issue so that somehow I could make it out of there on good terms.  This guy had just gotten out of prison, did drugs and clearly didn’t think that not using a condom sometimes was an issue.  I should be worried.  I told him that.  “when IS the last time you got tested?” I asked.  “They test you when you go to prison.” he says.  He claims that prisoner rape isn’t as common as the movies make it seem and that he never shared a needle. But you and so many too many men I’ve been with think not using a condom on every contact, every time is excusable for the sake of pleasure, or horniness. But, in this case, I believe it is also my responsibility to realize that a condom is not on, even though the penis holder is clearly in an position of power.  I’ll take some responsibility for [you fucking me without a condom].  Just so I don’t have to process what you did like another sexual assault.  He tipped me very well.  I’m not sure if it was because he felt guilty or not.  I must have made him feel bad.  He gave me his phone numbers and said I could call him for anything.  In the end, because I didn’t leave angry, I was able to not feel so violated.  It doesn’t always resolve itself like this.  Unsafe sex is an automatic ejection from the game.  I think though, you should always be aware of whether or not a condom is in use.  And if you are calling yourself a pro you should always be on top of that, literally.

I did feel initially violated but felt like instead of getting angry and calling him a rapist, I would try to gain an understanding about what HIS thinking, if any was….CONTINUE


Letter to my last lover who called at 7am telling me of herpes sores all over his dick…

Dear S:

I want to make sure that you know this didn’t happen to you because I am a dirty whore.  I tried to protect you.  And me from other things.  I told you it was unsafe. But you persisted.  I talked to you about it the next morning.  I did my part.  I did not GIVE you herpes.  I feel as if you put yourself at risk, took your chances and YOU got it.  Perhaps a naïve decision on your part but I had NEVER seen such a horrible consequence as a result of TOUCHING my pussy lips could bring…And every time it burns on your dick you think of me and wish you never met me…and that pains me in my gut to think that you see our time together only as what remains for you now.

This did not happen to you because I am a dirty whore.  The kind of intimacy that we shared was not the kind that occurs between a sex worker and her client.  Every hour after the first one you paid for was based on fulfilling our mutual need for love and intimacy.  And it was beautiful and free.  And I am so thankful to have received your gifts, even if for a short period.  Our business relationship ended as soon as the first hour was up.  I pursued you as my lover not my client and the thing that we sought to be fulfilled in each other is priceless and not usually for sale to clients even by prostitutes unless they become lovers like we did.

I would never admit that I am unloveable because I have a STD nor would I consider myself unloveable because I am a sex worker.  I loved you as a person.  I guess it is true that we often have riskier sex with our lovers because we feel that we are being more intimate.  But where has that intimacy brought us?  It’s brought you at least 2 kids and an STD you’ll have forever. But the forever part is supposed to shock and scare you, and stop you from being sexual?  I don’t think so.   I don’t live my life as if I have AIDS or as if I need to stop having sex or doing sex work.  I say FUCK YOU to anyone who feels that way.  I also invite them to FUCK ME and see if they survive to see another day.  I believe they will.  People have eaten my pussy and lived to tell about it.  You need to protect yourself from me but not treat me like a dirty needle.   You never did, but I felt like, my ex-boyfriend did at times so everyone after him who doesn’t react the way he did, I feel like thanking.  I was attracted to your willingness to love me without fear or hesitation and I regret that it was that quality that may have gotten you infected.  But it could be the drugs that had your boundaries down.  Most HIV transmission happens while high on drugs and centering only on pleasure and not the risk.  I don’t have HIV or any life threatening diseases and I don’t want any so I still need to protect myself from the unknown risks of getting more incurable diseases at the same time as people need to protect themselves from me.  I’m sure you can see that meth easily makes one self serving and blind to the consequences in the name of what you are after, so maybe you can blame this on being young, being horny, being high but please don’t blame it on me…

In general, I disclose that I have herpes, usually on the 2nd date.  On our first date, I expect our sex to be safe anyway.  I am not going to stop having sex any time soon, and am a firm believer that hot safe sex with me is totally possible. Don’t expect positives to always be the ones to disclose first.  Understand it’s not easy nor is it necessary all the time if you just protect yourself.  I assume that people are either lying (‘you’re a drug and disease free swinger?’) or their knowledge might be inaccurate so I try to be as careful as possible. I know sex workers who are HIV+ that do not tell and I know non-sex workers who are HIV+ that have lied when asked…

This did not happen to you because I am a dirty whore.  I usually have extremely safe sex with my clients and have as little exposure to bodily fluids or risky rough sex as much as possible.  But things happen and condoms sometimes break. When I found out I got it, I was in shock because I had used condoms for almost EVERYTHING work related.  I did not realize how easily transmitted the virus was.  I feel bad that you are suffering but I guess now you will change the way that you have sex because you HAVE to.  You now have something that is as easily passed to someone else the same way it got to you.  I feel bad that your girlfriend might have it.  She gets the worst end of the deal if she gets it.  I obviously don’t have a problem with having been involved with you even though you were with her, but that you could have done a better job to simply protect the person that you were coming home to.

I don’t know how I got it.  It COULD be from my work, but I had the MOST unprotected sex in the beginning months of my last long term relationship when I was trying to be on the pill, so I tend to think I could have gotten it then but I don’t know.  I know that it is easy to get and that 80% of people will get it   But it doesn’t really matter WHO and WHEN to me.  It matters that I will not be defined by it.

I have taken a lot of judgment from some and acceptance, love and lust even AFTER having come out and told lots of friends and lovers even while in bed…  I am confident in my sexuality and that I still have much of it to share with people in the many years to cum.  I have met many people besides you who when I tell them they tell me they either HAVE IT ALREADY OR they don’t care and/or they are willing to just take the risk! And I feel SO honored sometimes.  It feels like love.  But I know that it is not.  It is either a form of love or stupidity, of which there is such a thin line between…   I crave the deepness of skin to skin contact and the wetness of a tongue like everyone else…so I don’t always STOP people from diving down and eating me to tell them I have herpes first, it’s true.  But like I said, they’ve survived without sores on their lips the next day.  I’ve kissed lips with sores and not gotten sores.  You were the one who persuaded ME, (by rubbing the throbbing head of your cock along the inside of my labia, and telling me what more you wanted to do with it..)  if I remember correctly and that was when I told you that you could be a male escort for because you were so sensually persuasive…Sometimes we take chances and hope that it was worth it.  I want you, for some reason to think that it was worth it.

It was hard to tell you what I did the day we were together in before Christmas, but I DID tell you what could happen.  I’m glad that I did otherwise I’d be feeling pretty guilty right now, but I don’t.  I mostly feel sad that you wished it never happened.  I do care about what you think of me and the time we spent together, for some reason. It was very special to me.  I don’t know why.  Maybe we’ll both get over it.  But I know unfortunately now that because of this you probably won’t forget it so I wanted to write this letter to help you remember some positive things when you do.


I decided to come out as a herpes spokesperson of sorts because the isolation rejection and stigma that I am asked to hold and not talk about while I talk about everything else is too much for me.  I need to express my resistance to being a damaged, diseased whore stereotype, and perhaps be a model voice for others who may be feeling similar things.  There is not enough information and support for those of us that do not see it as the end of the world..I have HSV-1 but the sores appear in the genital area when they pass.  I don’t even have any active sores on me and we last had unprotected sex 4 WEEKS before it showed up which is crazy.

There is a rumor that oral herpes are less stigmatized than genital herpes, but they look identical under a microscope so i think that the stigma is imaginary.  I have never had more than 1 cold sore in my genitals at any given time and not often.  I check the area often with a lighted Hello Kitty mirror I got for Christmas and I wouldn’t dare allow anyone to touch me IF I did have any active sores.  Because I didn’t look anything like the horrible pictures on the websites, I didn’t think it was such a big deal, but now I see that you truly ARE contagious at all times without protection.  If that is 100% then why don’t I pass the virus every time I put my mouth on someone’s dick without a condom..must be most efficiently passed between genital/genital skin contact.  I speak for harm reduction, not perfection..I bought dental dams and use flavored condoms but not always…especially with people I am trying to be closer to emotionally.  AFter breaking up with my last boyfriend, anyone who went down on me without a barrier almost made me cry inside, it was something I longed for so much..

Herpes Statistics

One out of five of the total adolescent and adult population is infected with genital herpes.

Infection is more common in women (approximately one out of four women) than in men (almost one out of five).

Male-to-female transmission is more efficient than female-to-male transmission.

One in five Americans have genital herpes (yet at least 80 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it).

About 80 percent of American adults have oral herpes (cold sores).

An estimated 25 percent of American adults have genital herpes.

Genital herpes affects approximately one in six Australian adults

Approximately two-thirds of people who acquire STDs in the United States are younger than 25.1,3

About one in five people in the United States over age 12 (approximately 45 million individuals) are infected with HSV-2, the virus that causes genital herpes.2

According to the A.H.M.F. (Australian Herpes Management Forum) genital herpes is under-diagnosed — of people with genital herpes simplex virus infection only 1 in 5 are diagnosed and, up to 80% of cases of genital herpes are not recognized as such by clinicians.

At least one in four Americans will contract an STD at some point in their lives.

Up to 1 million new HSV-2 infections may be transmitted each year in the United States.1

Costs associated with genital herpes totaled approximately $237 million in 1994.3

Genital herpes infection also is more common among African Americans (45.9%) than among White Caucasian (17.6%).

Since the late 1970s, the number of Americans with genital herpes infection has increased 30%.

The largest increase of genital herpes is among young White teenagers.

Genital herpes infection is now five times more common in 12- to 19-year-old White adolescents.

Genital herpes is twice as common among young adults ages 20 to 29 than it was 20 years ago.

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