Archive for the 'HIV' Category


But that’s alright because I LOVE the way you LIE

Rihanna has become one of my heroes of late. Eminem has always represented all the guys I’ve ever dated, so it’s fucking brilliant that they decided to do this video together. He’s a great artist. Amazing lyricist. A known abuser and now recovered drug addict. Always the image of a great and loving father. A crazy alter ego that has violent and misogynistic thoughts on every album. On this song Eminem forces Rihanna to sing the role of her victimhood in a way that soon may become more of a verb more than her own name. The archetype of a triumphant and Glamorous Survivor. “Tougher than a lion.. no pain is forever, Yep you know this.” The one we all want to be once the bruises (if there are physical bruises) heal. “She Rihannaed through that situation..” I just heard one of my ex boyfriends’ names being used as a verb by way of another boyfriend I am attempting to ex out…”I Jimmyed that relationship so I could stay at her house another week.” he said. (which means he freeloaded rent and board off of a girl he was dating in exchange for mediocre relationship moments). Ah, the oh so familiar financial abuser that too many “independent women” seem to pair up with. I think Ne-Yo wrote that song for those guys, rather than as a fucking compliment to any women. It was dedicated to all the free loading men that Beyonce and Destiny’s Child in Pay My Bills talk about..

I’m not sure why the boyfriends that I started to get after 22 became tumultuous. (GREEK CHORUS: Because you became a sex worker, LOL! LOL!)  I’m not sure why after being single for 9 years did I fall in love with someone who was so similar in both beautiful and fucked up ways as this other first love of mine who was a closet heroin user who i spent 10 months with in the Mission District of San Francisco trying to heal, love and mentor when I was 23. Different illnesses and issues, different people, same manic cycle, similar beautful lies… I hear myself in Rihanna’s voice as she talks so lovingly about Chris Brown and his future. She wants him to just “grow up and learn from this experience.” She still loves him. Love doesn’t go away right away. she says and I know this so well. An abuser is often the adult victim of child abuse or assault and the other partner often feels sorry for that little boy inside the man that lashes out at her while she tries to mother him. Repeating the cycle of the abuse between the childs parents and the tension between the abused mother and son.

I wasn’t beat up and left in a car before I was supposed to attend the Grammy’s but I’ve been deeply entrenched in other forms of relationship violence almost all of the relationships that I’ve had for the last 10 years. I would throw ‘benign’ objects (like a bag of fast food, a large soda; separate occasions) at one of my ex boyfriends to get his attention and wipe the stupid blank look off his face when I told him to get a job and pay some rent, for instance.  I’ve had another someone I was in love with threaten by text message to do a drive by on my house and set my kar on fire…I told him if he was going to do that he should be the one to pull the trigger [so I could look in his eyes while I died for “love.”] but I knew it wasn’t a serious threat, it was a twisted thought from a very lost person.

I never thought he would do it, but the fact that I have, like Rihanna heard what it sounds like when this person that you think that you are in love with tells you that they are going to kill you [if you stop loving them].

*   *  *   *  *  *   *   *   *  *

I was the one who demanded that Jimmy and I go to counseling together but soon realized that because I was the one instigated physical violence, I was therefore the ‘abuser’ and they wouldn’t see us together as a couple while ‘physical abuse’ was occurring in the relationship. So I quickly learned to control my physical reactions and started to use my voice and just scream my frustrations at him, which did not come out as words but aimed to be a vocal assault of some sort to get him to stop his behavior and see that I was becoming enraged. One time I remember gesturing punches towards his face that were controlled enough to not touch his face but show that I wanted to physically assault him because I was so angry. Things got better over time. We learned how to work better with each other. But I was unhappy for 8 months having this roomate that I didn’t want and couldn’t seem to get rid of before I finally called the cops on him. One day, he decided to get something and he wouldn’t stop calling and knocking on the front door when he arrived uninvited. I was trying to create a new space boundary since he had finally left my house. He had finally packed up his stuff to move out after pleading with him for months to leave. but he was back on a day that we weren’t scheduled to hang out and I didn’t feel like letting him in or answering his phone calls. I have 3 phones and a front door and he was blowing up all of them. In a panic I called 911 and they arrived after almost 40 minutes and 2 calls. I didn’t really feel that he would hurt me, but I had just been pushed to the point of police intervention by this guy after months of warning him that I would do exactly what I ended up doing.  I asked his parents for help with the situation and they shook their heads and told me to call the cops and that I allowed this to continue and they couldn’t help him because he was an adult.

I firmly believed that if someone is knocking on your front door and they won’t go away that you have a right to call the police to ask them to go away. “Are you still in a relationship with this guy?” officer 1 asked.
“yes.” I said, “but he is not supposed to be here right now. I want him to leave and he won’t.”  I had told him that we would stay together in a relationship but he would agree to move out, and I believed that we really were going to be able to do this.
“We don’t police people’s relationships ma’am.” officer 2 said. “someone has to go to jail nowadays, people’s lives are changed because of these calls.” It was a hard call because it wasn’t exactly a DV related 911 call, but it was. I don’t remember how I finished my conversation with them to close the door, but I remember seeing him in the back of the car in cuffs while they searched his car and crying at the sight of what I had just done. I was on the phone with my therapist while looking out the window. That was the last time I saw him. He didn’t return to my house, nor did he return a suitcase and laptop that I had basically let him use during the duration of our relationship just to add insult to injury. He was pissed I called the cops on him so he decided to keep $600 worth of my stuff.

It all occured when i was brand new to Facebook last year. The open ended “What’s on your mind?” was too much of an open space for me to not pour out what was happening from my desktop to reality. I Facebooked it while it was happening without caring about other people’s triggers or discomfort. “If you call the cops on your man, does that mean the relationship is over?” and someone’s response was,” no because when he gets out its gonna be the best sex you ever had and then some!” it made me laugh. you somehow have to find light with these things, and there’s no one better than the victims themselves to make a joke out of a serious matter. I’m just going to call the abusers the victims too because even punching the drywall beside someone’s face is a sign of your victimhood. It is abusive. It is a sign that you are unable to control your anger. You are a victim of your rage and your demons. Your lust when you end up having that make up sex. Your weaknesses when you go back to them. But I have learned so much with every fight that I have endured, and I can truly say that I can fight stronger and better and not allow myself to retaliate and stoop to the level that would lead us into that raging bullfight that is in the video which ends up in unprotected drunk sex spawning a devil unplanned retarded baby. At some point you learn not to take it there, and for some people, they NEVER LEARN. “If he EVER lays a hand on me,” the high school girl feminist proclaims,”I’M LEAVING.” But may she learn that it is never that clean and easy and more often than not, they DON’T hit you with their hands to cause the most abuse.

Eminem’s recent video truly reveals the complexity of relationship violence from what seems like a young addicts perspective. It is a paradigm I am too familiar with having fallen in love with people with addictions OR who might as well be drug addicts because they act that way anyway without drugs. Yes, we still live in a sexist patriarchal world but the reality of domestic violence has changed since the Battered wife image of the 80’s and 90s that Barbara Walters is still polishing the framework for. Eminem’s video and lyrics reveal that complexity. He has a phone number on his hand that she sees. She gets so raging mad that she SPITS in his face while he holds her down. I realize mostly that in these situation that there is ALWAYS a back and forth. He says something. She says something worse. He does something to spite her. She does something manipulative and vindictive to spite him. Sleeps with a co-worker or best friend. Texting a working girl in front of your girlfriend because you know that they will call back or text to get you into the fight that you secretly ask for.  This is how Rihanna and Chris started brawling.  Over another woman’s text message.   Psychological WARFARE. Another woman’s voice, even if she is no real threat but a created threat by a manipulative and demented lover.  This is how the 21 year olds girlfriend found out about me and I about her.  I called his phone and she answered.  this is how she got my phone number to harass me.  Dirty, grimy immature antics made only from the insane minds of people so enraptured in the madness of their own NON LOVE that they can’t stop to think about what they are actually doing.  Some of them, who were born and raised in abuse need to be told better.

“You DON’T say those things to someone that you JUST SAID that you LOVE.”

“SPEAK TO ME LIKE SOMEONE YOU LOVE.” (I just saw a book with this title on this topic at the bookstore)

and this really IS  a new concept to them.  One that they can learn if you can teach them fast enough (and they are willing to learn).

I don’t let lovers or friends make a joke out of me as a regular habit.  Hard love and cruel jokes= humiliation to me.  I grew up as the youngest child and black sheep and am still treated like a 2nd class citizen in some ways by some of my family so I will not tolerate a relationship where I feel like someone’s little sister.  A little humor is healthy, but constant and subtle degradation through mockery, passive agressive comments, passive aggressive jealousy,  is NOT healthy for your lovers, partners or children, it adds up and spills over like a symbollic cup of violence disguised as a slow poison like the syrup of sweet Coca Cola.

I love the scene in the Eminem video where the two are sitting in the aftermath of their own destruction bonding on the light energy of their broken and dysfunctional love. I’ve felt that glowing energy between myself and the most beautiful and worst liars that I have ever loved. I believed that our love was the only true thing about the mess we were in. “Love is blind.” Rihanna says.”FUCK LOVE. Look at your situation from the 3rd person and see it for what it really is.” Great advice. Now applying it to your own life is the harder part. Only someone whose experienced a violent love like hers could even understand that love energy can exist and glow even in the ugliest and most brutal relationships sometimes. Everyone else is probably so judgmental. The abusers that I have known (physical, verbal, finnancial, chemical) have all had a magical romantic gift, charming and endearing a promise of a perfect love that lasts for a few days, a few sweet emails, until BOOM. explosion. and it always repeats.  The 21 year old that I had blogged about before that was cheating on his girlfriend to have an affair with me was an abuser.  I could sense it.  I was part of his abuse, I was the other woman, and at first I was laughing about it.  She was psycho and irritating and perhaps I have gained such a hard skin about insults via text message because I ignored so many of hers.  This 21 year olds cock WAS magical and magnetic though.  I do remember the magnetic power I had to turn away from with all my might.  This is coming from someone who is totally not dick centered, not entirely attracted to genitalia but I knew a good thing when I felt it.  It was quite possibly the best dick I’ve could remember having, but I BROKE LOOSE FROM IT without much damage!

EVERYONE has a QUICK solution to it and an opinion. No one understands but those that are in it that it is a longer process than we would often like it to be, but “just getting up and leaving” is sometimes just not a reality for most of us. Rihanna said she went back 8 or 9 times.  The abused and hurt child desperately needs to have the abuser apologize and caress their wounds and tell them that they did not mean to do the things that they did.

What are your boundaries and how long will YOU let someone go before you pull out the stops on your relationship?

Has anyone ever stolen money from you? Spit in your face? Punched a wall beside your head? Crashed or smashed your car? Used a traumatic part of your past as a verbal assault during a fight? threaten to call your probation officer with lies about you? “joked” about cutting off your dick if you cheat?

Snoop Dogg has a song about the manipulation that goes on with the new DV laws called, “First one gets to the phone, the other one’s going to jail..” The urban reality of relationship violence, hip hop, people of color and probation officers is sung about in a humorous way..A LOT of the Black and Brown community is on probation or in jail or prison so this form of institutionalized racism helps to use domestic violence to further tear families and relationships apart.  Or does it help to protect the victims by giving them ammunition to shoot back at their abusers?

Eminem’s video reveals well the cycle of violence told through the push and pull and the back and forth of the whole thing. I know for some reason that I am a red hot magnet for men and women with major trauma issues because I have my own and that often leads to the kind of relationships where people have to work out through acting out until they understand how to communicate in all the ways that they lacked as a child. I am better now because I’ve burned in those bedrooms. I think I know how to walk away. I just wonder why no matter how far I walk I seem to keep encountering these classic romantic turned abusive characters that are out of these pop stars music videos. Is it because I am so fucked up and labeled a wreck myself that I just can’t stay away from them, or could it be that relationship violence is more common that those of us that are so judgmental would like to admit. Are YOU guilty?



i think this needs to be a song…for all my POS people everywhere!


Will it bring us closer or will it be how I lose you?

Forgive me, I still like to believe it doesn’t exist

that I can love you like everyone else

I was so scared to break it to you after we kissed


please just hold me closer

the last person tried to use it to put me down

said if they knew they would never stick around

it damaged my being and my whole

“Keep Spreading the Love” he said.

cutting my soul.


It’s more complicated than you think

you ask me to confess

I feel my heart sink

I walk like you, I talk like you, I dream like you, I fuck like you..I wanna fuck like you…I want to fuck you.


You are only damaged goods

you can pass at the party but you have a secret you should be ashamed of..

Or so they say

but anyway

guys are dogs and women lie so lets just assume so it’s no surprise


I just want you to see me for me

not create an indentity out of whether or not I have an STD


I hope to God you just don’t give a damn

and we can swallow each toher whole and you can love me for who I am…


Teaching You a Lesson or Sexually Assaulting You?

I just wrote my first entry on the Yes mean Yes blog site! I am a voice in a chapter on sex workers in this amazing radical anthology called Yes Means Yes.

reposted in part below:

Taking off a condom in the middle of a sex act…it happened to me a couple of times.  One of the most notable ones was one of the last of 4 sexual assaults in my early 20s which culminated in me realizng that I had survived a series of different sexual assaults between the ages of 17 and 22.  This was just the last of 4 that I would allow to just roll over me like a big crashing wave that nearly drowns me and pushes me down, spitting sand and salt but told to just recover and keep surfing. I was urinating blood in the toilet.  I thought it was an STD.  I went to Planned Parenthood and one of their routine questions traumatized me.  “Could you be at risk of being pregnant or having an STD?”  The last guy I slept with that took the condom off in the middle of our sex came to mind.  I had to say,”Yes.” and take the pregnancy test.  It was traumatic at the time, what has become more routine for me now.  Watching Jerry Springer in the clinic lobby bitterly thinking that for sure I felt violated that I had to endure pain and uncertainty because of his irresponsibility. This one was definitely his fault because he took action to violate an unspoken trust agreement between two people using a condom that that condom should stay on during the entirity of the sex act.  It turned out I had kidney stones and that was why I was bleeding internally but the blood in the toilet was so traumatic that it forced me into a path of rape trauma healing of all my assaults, deal with boundary violations, go to counseling and understand PTSD.  I FELT that the guy who took off the condom violated me, and I experienced it physically (through the kidney stones) and emotionally as such and so to me, it was an assault.  Would the police classify it as such?  Of course not.  Does this guy think he sexually assaulted me?  Of course not.

Fast forward eleven years, 3 of the last of those I’ve worked as an escort in LA and beyond.  I have practiced boundary negotiations with hundreds of clients, customers, dates, boyfriends, and whoevers.  Things still happen.  Violations are part of the occupational hazards of this job.  I work with the herpes virus using barriers to protect my clients and reduction of unprotected oral, when possible.  Recently, the client knew that there wasn’t a condom on and continued to have sex with me.  We had used a condom earlier, but the second time he put it in I didn’t realize there wasn’t a condom until about 15 minutes into it.  I stopped to ask and he replied, “there isn’t one.”  I was pissed.  “That’s it.” I said. “We’re done.” I started packing my work bag and headed for the shower.  With more body language I let him know that I was not happy.  While I was in the shower, I wanted to resolve the issue so that somehow I could make it out of there on good terms.  This guy had just gotten out of prison, did drugs and clearly didn’t think that not using a condom sometimes was an issue.  I should be worried.  I told him that.  “when IS the last time you got tested?” I asked.  “They test you when you go to prison.” he says.  He claims that prisoner rape isn’t as common as the movies make it seem and that he never shared a needle. But you and so many too many men I’ve been with think not using a condom on every contact, every time is excusable for the sake of pleasure, or horniness. But, in this case, I believe it is also my responsibility to realize that a condom is not on, even though the penis holder is clearly in an position of power.  I’ll take some responsibility for [you fucking me without a condom].  Just so I don’t have to process what you did like another sexual assault.  He tipped me very well.  I’m not sure if it was because he felt guilty or not.  I must have made him feel bad.  He gave me his phone numbers and said I could call him for anything.  In the end, because I didn’t leave angry, I was able to not feel so violated.  It doesn’t always resolve itself like this.  Unsafe sex is an automatic ejection from the game.  I think though, you should always be aware of whether or not a condom is in use.  And if you are calling yourself a pro you should always be on top of that, literally.

I did feel initially violated but felt like instead of getting angry and calling him a rapist, I would try to gain an understanding about what HIS thinking, if any was….CONTINUE


Letter to my last lover who called at 7am telling me of herpes sores all over his dick…

Dear S:

I want to make sure that you know this didn’t happen to you because I am a dirty whore.  I tried to protect you.  And me from other things.  I told you it was unsafe. But you persisted.  I talked to you about it the next morning.  I did my part.  I did not GIVE you herpes.  I feel as if you put yourself at risk, took your chances and YOU got it.  Perhaps a naïve decision on your part but I had NEVER seen such a horrible consequence as a result of TOUCHING my pussy lips could bring…And every time it burns on your dick you think of me and wish you never met me…and that pains me in my gut to think that you see our time together only as what remains for you now.

This did not happen to you because I am a dirty whore.  The kind of intimacy that we shared was not the kind that occurs between a sex worker and her client.  Every hour after the first one you paid for was based on fulfilling our mutual need for love and intimacy.  And it was beautiful and free.  And I am so thankful to have received your gifts, even if for a short period.  Our business relationship ended as soon as the first hour was up.  I pursued you as my lover not my client and the thing that we sought to be fulfilled in each other is priceless and not usually for sale to clients even by prostitutes unless they become lovers like we did.

I would never admit that I am unloveable because I have a STD nor would I consider myself unloveable because I am a sex worker.  I loved you as a person.  I guess it is true that we often have riskier sex with our lovers because we feel that we are being more intimate.  But where has that intimacy brought us?  It’s brought you at least 2 kids and an STD you’ll have forever. But the forever part is supposed to shock and scare you, and stop you from being sexual?  I don’t think so.   I don’t live my life as if I have AIDS or as if I need to stop having sex or doing sex work.  I say FUCK YOU to anyone who feels that way.  I also invite them to FUCK ME and see if they survive to see another day.  I believe they will.  People have eaten my pussy and lived to tell about it.  You need to protect yourself from me but not treat me like a dirty needle.   You never did, but I felt like, my ex-boyfriend did at times so everyone after him who doesn’t react the way he did, I feel like thanking.  I was attracted to your willingness to love me without fear or hesitation and I regret that it was that quality that may have gotten you infected.  But it could be the drugs that had your boundaries down.  Most HIV transmission happens while high on drugs and centering only on pleasure and not the risk.  I don’t have HIV or any life threatening diseases and I don’t want any so I still need to protect myself from the unknown risks of getting more incurable diseases at the same time as people need to protect themselves from me.  I’m sure you can see that meth easily makes one self serving and blind to the consequences in the name of what you are after, so maybe you can blame this on being young, being horny, being high but please don’t blame it on me…

In general, I disclose that I have herpes, usually on the 2nd date.  On our first date, I expect our sex to be safe anyway.  I am not going to stop having sex any time soon, and am a firm believer that hot safe sex with me is totally possible. Don’t expect positives to always be the ones to disclose first.  Understand it’s not easy nor is it necessary all the time if you just protect yourself.  I assume that people are either lying (‘you’re a drug and disease free swinger?’) or their knowledge might be inaccurate so I try to be as careful as possible. I know sex workers who are HIV+ that do not tell and I know non-sex workers who are HIV+ that have lied when asked…

This did not happen to you because I am a dirty whore.  I usually have extremely safe sex with my clients and have as little exposure to bodily fluids or risky rough sex as much as possible.  But things happen and condoms sometimes break. When I found out I got it, I was in shock because I had used condoms for almost EVERYTHING work related.  I did not realize how easily transmitted the virus was.  I feel bad that you are suffering but I guess now you will change the way that you have sex because you HAVE to.  You now have something that is as easily passed to someone else the same way it got to you.  I feel bad that your girlfriend might have it.  She gets the worst end of the deal if she gets it.  I obviously don’t have a problem with having been involved with you even though you were with her, but that you could have done a better job to simply protect the person that you were coming home to.

I don’t know how I got it.  It COULD be from my work, but I had the MOST unprotected sex in the beginning months of my last long term relationship when I was trying to be on the pill, so I tend to think I could have gotten it then but I don’t know.  I know that it is easy to get and that 80% of people will get it   But it doesn’t really matter WHO and WHEN to me.  It matters that I will not be defined by it.

I have taken a lot of judgment from some and acceptance, love and lust even AFTER having come out and told lots of friends and lovers even while in bed…  I am confident in my sexuality and that I still have much of it to share with people in the many years to cum.  I have met many people besides you who when I tell them they tell me they either HAVE IT ALREADY OR they don’t care and/or they are willing to just take the risk! And I feel SO honored sometimes.  It feels like love.  But I know that it is not.  It is either a form of love or stupidity, of which there is such a thin line between…   I crave the deepness of skin to skin contact and the wetness of a tongue like everyone else…so I don’t always STOP people from diving down and eating me to tell them I have herpes first, it’s true.  But like I said, they’ve survived without sores on their lips the next day.  I’ve kissed lips with sores and not gotten sores.  You were the one who persuaded ME, (by rubbing the throbbing head of your cock along the inside of my labia, and telling me what more you wanted to do with it..)  if I remember correctly and that was when I told you that you could be a male escort for because you were so sensually persuasive…Sometimes we take chances and hope that it was worth it.  I want you, for some reason to think that it was worth it.

It was hard to tell you what I did the day we were together in before Christmas, but I DID tell you what could happen.  I’m glad that I did otherwise I’d be feeling pretty guilty right now, but I don’t.  I mostly feel sad that you wished it never happened.  I do care about what you think of me and the time we spent together, for some reason. It was very special to me.  I don’t know why.  Maybe we’ll both get over it.  But I know unfortunately now that because of this you probably won’t forget it so I wanted to write this letter to help you remember some positive things when you do.


I decided to come out as a herpes spokesperson of sorts because the isolation rejection and stigma that I am asked to hold and not talk about while I talk about everything else is too much for me.  I need to express my resistance to being a damaged, diseased whore stereotype, and perhaps be a model voice for others who may be feeling similar things.  There is not enough information and support for those of us that do not see it as the end of the world..I have HSV-1 but the sores appear in the genital area when they pass.  I don’t even have any active sores on me and we last had unprotected sex 4 WEEKS before it showed up which is crazy.

There is a rumor that oral herpes are less stigmatized than genital herpes, but they look identical under a microscope so i think that the stigma is imaginary.  I have never had more than 1 cold sore in my genitals at any given time and not often.  I check the area often with a lighted Hello Kitty mirror I got for Christmas and I wouldn’t dare allow anyone to touch me IF I did have any active sores.  Because I didn’t look anything like the horrible pictures on the websites, I didn’t think it was such a big deal, but now I see that you truly ARE contagious at all times without protection.  If that is 100% then why don’t I pass the virus every time I put my mouth on someone’s dick without a condom..must be most efficiently passed between genital/genital skin contact.  I speak for harm reduction, not perfection..I bought dental dams and use flavored condoms but not always…especially with people I am trying to be closer to emotionally.  AFter breaking up with my last boyfriend, anyone who went down on me without a barrier almost made me cry inside, it was something I longed for so much..

Herpes Statistics

One out of five of the total adolescent and adult population is infected with genital herpes.

Infection is more common in women (approximately one out of four women) than in men (almost one out of five).

Male-to-female transmission is more efficient than female-to-male transmission.

One in five Americans have genital herpes (yet at least 80 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it).

About 80 percent of American adults have oral herpes (cold sores).

An estimated 25 percent of American adults have genital herpes.

Genital herpes affects approximately one in six Australian adults

Approximately two-thirds of people who acquire STDs in the United States are younger than 25.1,3

About one in five people in the United States over age 12 (approximately 45 million individuals) are infected with HSV-2, the virus that causes genital herpes.2

According to the A.H.M.F. (Australian Herpes Management Forum) genital herpes is under-diagnosed — of people with genital herpes simplex virus infection only 1 in 5 are diagnosed and, up to 80% of cases of genital herpes are not recognized as such by clinicians.

At least one in four Americans will contract an STD at some point in their lives.

Up to 1 million new HSV-2 infections may be transmitted each year in the United States.1

Costs associated with genital herpes totaled approximately $237 million in 1994.3

Genital herpes infection also is more common among African Americans (45.9%) than among White Caucasian (17.6%).

Since the late 1970s, the number of Americans with genital herpes infection has increased 30%.

The largest increase of genital herpes is among young White teenagers.

Genital herpes infection is now five times more common in 12- to 19-year-old White adolescents.

Genital herpes is twice as common among young adults ages 20 to 29 than it was 20 years ago.

For more statistics on herpes please Click Here

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