Archive for the 'Japan' Category

08
Nov
18

So you wanted a Japanese speaking job

So you wanted a Japanese speaking job? Not the kind of job that you currently have where you speak Japanese 20% of the time as a teacher, using all your bilingual skills to translate well known Japanese nursery rhyme songs into English with kids so they don’t have to think twice about the fact that they’re actually learning translations and code switching without thinking about it, no, no, you wanted a Japanese job where they treat you like the lowest cog on the totem pole of the hierarchical system that teaches them to bow in the face of shit being thrown in their faces. You wanted a Japanese job where you didn’t understand all the commands being told to you, where you had to move in one direction but you didn’t know which direction or where to put the things where and how but you couldn’t ask them to repeat what they said or speak slower because they would be even more upset than they were before you entered the kitchen. I feel like I just got adopted into some foster home, but I wanted this. A 100% Japanese speaking job which truly tested my fluency, and demanded that I work on my feet for 6 hours with no break after a 4 hours of teaching. “Learning a language takes time.” said one of my online students,”I’ve been in Sweden for 3 years and my English and Swedish are still not so great!” he smiled at me. “Yes. I know that!” I reflected back at him an equal smile and we held each other in our lack of language ability in the countries that we were living in. “I’ve been studying Japanese on and off since I was 12 and living in Japan for over 2 years.” Every hard situation in Japan seems to just get harder because i ask for it to get harder. I take the hard road in hopes that I will accelerate my improvement, but it always seems like I’m never going anywhere fast. Maybe, just maybe I have. It’s really hard to tell when you are in the dark flurry of slaying things in the lion’s den because you are just swinging your sword, hoping for the best, trying to keep up. I do remember 2 years ago when I went to the ATM trying to deposit the rent that was due for my apartments first and last security deposit that it was so hard to figure out how to read all the different names of the screens that weren’t waiting for my literacy to catch up as they were flashing kanji and buttons to press and timing out and making me start over from the beginning. I remember that day being one of the hardest days of my Japan life, and now that I’ve leaped over that hurdle at least 50 times by now, it has indeed become easy to withdraw, transfer and make deposits at the Japanese ATM. And, no, you can’t use the English menu for banking, and I don’t want to anyway.  English only speakers, I just don’t know how they even survive because the English menu is often totally different than the Japanese one and you can’t even do the same functions that you need to survive in Japanese Japan. So, I finally got a Japanese job in Tokyo and I was originally hired with a lot of promise and a recommendation but it didn’t take the staff long to get really mad at me for being at the level that I was at. I didn’t know where things went, and I forgot them when I was told once. I didn’t speak Japanese fluently and my semi fluency just wasn’t cutting it for them because they didn’t have the patience to teach me both where to put the pots and pans, wash dishes fast enough and learn new words. I’ve already learned a lot in 3 weeks that I could never have learned unless I got this job. I’ve learned menus, and polite hospitality speak, how to work the dishwasher and coffee maker, how to stack glasses and how to not stack certain glasses, and most importantly that Japanese workers greet each other with Ohayogozaimasu in the evening when they FIRST see each other regardless of whether it is morning or not. Valuable inside information. And yeah, its hard and I’ve woken up sore, but I haven’t cried yet, even though I have been 75% fired, meaning 3 of the 4 days per week that I was originally scheduled were dropped because I just can’t do what they need. And, that’s just fine. I was exhausted every day and night anyway. I felt like I was making license plates in jail and people on Facebook were worried about me because the way I was talking about it sounded like I was crying for rescue. But there are very few outlets aside from my Facebook in which I can express these things. Aside from this blog.

10
Oct
18

Avoid and Detach

October is here and I am feeling that my mood is dropping with my income.  It’s been a year since I have gotten sick which is a great thing considering it is going to be medical mask season in Japan in no time.  I’ve been spending time looking for jobs in Hawaii and in greater Japan to see what the future holds. The more I think about being a Tantra goddess in Hawaii and smoking weed everyday, the more my mouth waters with excitement.  I deserve to be joyful at least. I was in a short relationship recently but now it is over after about 3 weeks. I have the tendency to attract avoidant detachers, and learning about this particular relationship theory really has saved me from a lot of pain and hurt in the recent past.  My last love affair with an avoidant in Okinawa ended also abruptly as it had started and it hurt a lot more than this one but in the wake of it I researched this particular set of relationship theories and was able to see a great long pattern of this that started in high school and I actually could feel myself heal. From the age of 15 to 40, I blamed myself for them abandoning ship and it devastated me for long periods that long outlasted the short period of time that they were ever able to spend with me which varied from a week to a month or two at most.  This last guy told me “well, you want to get married and have kids” so that just blah blah blah, I don’t even know what he said after that because I focused on the former sentence. He read my blog posts and determined that I wasn’t a good partner for him because I dared to want a family. I think my other Special Dismissive Detacher Head ex boyfriend also would say things like that to me “you want a Disney relationship”, making the fact that I wanted a child or marriage a negative thing.  While I agree that Disney in many ways is a problematic ideal, the idea of a Disney type of LOVE union is no different than other tales of pair bonding: Shakti and Shiva, Romeo and Juliet, JayZ and Beyonce etc and the idea of wanting that to be made out to be something wrong is what is wrong actually.   The Disney ideal to him also referred to monogamy and marriage, which that ex was firmly against.   I believe it can be a terrible negative to these types of attachers. It has occurred to me a year or so ago that if I actually wanted to ever make the dream of being a mother come true, I need to move out of Japan, I’m fairly convinced the baby daddy does not exist on this island.  An English student of mine who is the same age as me just had a miscarriage and that also hit me like a reality bomb. I’m probably not going to have kids, Am I Universe?  I’m just going to entertain them part time as a nursery school teacher at best?  Is this my fate?  My recent student is married and stable but the same age as me: 42.  Having kids is not something that I dedicated enough of my life making happen even up until now.  It has always just been an idea  mainly because I am MOSTLY SINGLE!  Therefore “making kids” is not something i could have practically dedicated my life to unless it was through intentional random pairing (I know a single mother who did this long ago) or the unconventional fertilization route (which, one of my friends who is a single mother pursued for more than five years from age 35-42).  I guess I am too scared to be a single mother having been raised single and also been so economically unbalanced just taking care of myself.  My two chosen daughters are also single mothers in their twenties and it doesn’t seem like a life I want badly enough to dedicate so much effort to be actually.  If any model I dreamed of, it wasn’t Disney, it was JayZ and Beyonce, working as a power couple (or their media projected images of family) and parental team.  I proposed it to my two gay bff couple, who have been a pair for over 7 years and they rejected the queer family idea almost 5 years ago.  They still seem to be living with just enough to enjoy weekends income, not yet married, no assets and taking care of their families with their middle class incomes which means, no desire to make room for a baby.  I haven’t even committed to having a dog, even that I lived in the same place for 11 years. My income was always unstable, even then. It seems that I made it all the way across the ocean only to replicate the same pattern that I lived in in a totally different career in LA.  Prostitute-Victim-Rescuer Triangle (this is a DEEP one that I want to dedicate a whole post on later) . Oh, wait, I never saw myself as a victim even tough I was, or was I, or am I? Or are we ALL one breath away from a change in our status.   Oh, wait, I’m an English teacher now which is the same as being a college student counting change and eating convenience store food to save money. That feeling I experienced when I could actually feel myself healing needs to happen with my money story.  I feel like I am teaching my ass off and going to interviews weekly like they are another job. There is no rest for the normal worker, this which I swore I would never be again when I quit teaching the first time. I am working hard to sow my resources using all the skills that I have and always spending my free time to search for better ways, yet change is very slow and sometimes I even fear not having enough change to get to my next job site on the train because the train fee is so expensive.  The thought of staying in Tokyo living this same life for another two years is too damn depressing because I believe that change will not come because Japanese culture and society has yet to change in many ways that I believe are basic human needs.  It feels like a marriage that I am trying to make work even though I know that it already isn’t. I truly believe I could make Japan work better from afar than from within. Maybe this is wishful thinking because I can’t seem to make it work from within. Some relationships just cannot work no matter what.  This is what we have to learn to accept and release. I found, just like with my last lover that it was easy to leave something that wasn’t working. He actually abandoned me, stuffed all my CDs (that he had wonderfully uploaded and ripped to digital for me) in my mailbox and left a long winded 6” goodbye message via messenger but I was still able to go on with my weekend without any tears which is an enormous sign of growth I think.  AVOIDANT DETACHERS ARE GOING TO DETACH SOON REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU LOVE, HOW YOU FUCK, WHAT YOU SAY OR DON’T SAY.  This is the lesson.  It doesn’t have to do with me and there is nothing I can do to stop it.   I learned this JUST LAST YEAR.  I used to meet a guy at Burningman well into my thirties, spend the night with him and be devastated because he didn’t want to continue hanging out with me in love for the week or even pursue a relationship after the playa.  It is possible.  The Special Detacher ex found the love of his life as his rideshare passenger for Burningman, so don’t say it’s not possible.  It literally took me years to let go when others wanted to let go.  Not saying that I have this skill perfected at all, but in understanding that a pattern in humanity exists, not just a pattern in my own faulty design or inabilities,  I have noticed a new dawn.
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08
Sep
18

Omegas, Betas and Herbivores: problems of dating Japanese Men

This series was called “The Flower and Water” because I used to feel like a flower, sexual energetically speaking. In the previous chapter of my life (in America) I was the receiver of masculine energy: bees, birds, butterflies: praise, flirtation, smiling, greeting, small talk, dating, hitting on etc. I considered MEN to be my unofficial specialty having worked with them as clients for over 17 years.

In Japan, my current research in progress, taken largely from on the street interviews (youtube documentaries like Asian Boss), SNS websites with lots of useless idiotic banter (reddit and GaijinPot Forums) as well as editorial news sources.  It tells me that “61% of men in their 20’s and 70% of men in their 30’s in Japan are Beta males (known as herbivore men in Japan which is a slightly different take on the Alpha/Beta model) and that women over 25 are seen as useless because they cannot produce children or be useful housewives.  Aside from join them in the workforce, these women, are relegated to be used for sex or nothing at all for the men. In this society, however, sex is a distraction and takes no more priority over a man’s own family than the food that he eats (which because of his work schedule, sometimes he doesn’t eat much).  A lot of men in Japan can’t be bothered to spend their free time dating and would rather do things alone of more worth to them, such as play video games or rest from work.

In Japanese culture, upholding the group/company/nation is far more important than the individual’s needs, especially since the rebuilding period after the WW2.  The social group that one is a part of in Japan, is most often comprised of their co-workers who have to participate in obligatory drinking parties after an already long day at the office.   Sex and time with family are seen as individual needs that have been effectively socialized out of most men after the war created the rise of the workaholic ‘salary man’ as a replacement for the ruthless Imperial Army soldier.  This is the reason why, for the most part, I am invisible in Japan, and why many foreign women do not have much luck (but Alpha cis men often do) in Japan. I have never seen myself as an Alpha female, but in a country of Betas and herbivores who don’t care to look up at a beautiful woman because they are too busy eating grass, I realize how much I am.  

I might be proactive and confident, but I DO NOT want to do all the approaching and asking of men.  The Asian Boss episode also explains how typical this is in Japanese society I am honest, straightforward, affectionate in public and loyal. I am brimming with Tantric sexual energy (not DTF/One night stand/Nanpa kind of energy). Still, I remain a divine feminine flower blooming tall amongst a field of worker ants, the masculine mountains and the rising sun pollinates me because I can’t fit into the skinny jeans of most of the men here.  It all started with a few okcupid men and I exchanging messages about the situation of men in Japan. “You seem like an Alpha female type.” the guy said. I thought that an Alpha was a leader of a pride of lions, but humans actually don’t have the same clear cut and proven propensity to group like wild animals. Even the term “alpha male” has a bad rap in American culture. It seems to have the reputation of a egoistic guy who needs to be loud and take control of the room in a overt way in order to prove something.  Cultures, governments, racism, gender identity, war, drugs, dysfunctional families and so many other complex social factors that animals are not affected by create our social groupings and the way we pair bond. My experience in Japan as a participant observer leads me to really agree with the idea of the Beta male as a better explanation to “They’re all shy.” I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that and rolled my eyes. It strikes me as ridiculous each time a Japanese woman tells me this, so I’ve been searching for my own answers to the explanation of the lack of male attention that I get in Japan, because it seemed far to general and unintelligent of an explanation.   Although I’ve heard the herbivore theory before, in combination with the beta male theories, both popular culture science theories that seem to hold some truth, I am starting to not discount them as ridiculous. Herbivore, Betas and blood type personalities may not be “real science” that everyone believes, but it does hold truth for a lot of people in the culture and we can take historical facts (blood type theory), personal observation and environment into account and use them all to make our own deductions. Because, “They’re all shy” certainly isn’t offering me a better, more scientifically researched hypothesis by any means.

26
Jul
18

Japanese Summer Mating Calls

The last week of July brings Japan’s hottest summer sun blazing down onto Tokyo.  The familiar mating calls of the cicada are singing loudly outside. “Mee Mee Mee Meeeeee”  It reminds me of Japanese summer when I was a child, I used to pick these giant fly looking insects right off the tree bark and put them in my hand.  They were gentle and calm. They didn’t fly away and their wings were soft just like the feathers of birds. It still amazes me that these gigantic insects don’t create any kind of adverse reaction in me.  They are peaceful, helpful and wonderful creatures that don’t harm, annoy or spread diseases, so they are likeable

 

to many humans. They spend 17 years sucking sap from trees under the earth and emerge to spend the last month of summer crying out for a mate throughout the days of August.  When the song stops, millions of bodies pile up on the ground, fertilizing the same trees and plants that they fed upon and the other millions of young cicadas waiting their turn to molt and fly away into adulthood in the next years. This is the cycle of nature running its course. I spied upon these lovers on the ground and pet the wings of one of them to see if they were alive or dead.  I think that they were dead because they were silent and did not move away from my poking but I still am not sure. Today, a man at the elevator in one of the offices I was teaching corporate lessons at said Hello to me. I was taken aback because I have pretty much become accustomed to being ignored by every man in Japan. He was the boss of one of my students, so I had met him several months ago but didn’t remember.

Apparently, this is the samurai way, one Japanese woman told me.    I rolled my eyes at that one. But maybe it was true. Free choice of marriage partners at that time did not exist, it was always arranged by a third party for the family’s sake, so of course, direct pursuit was not part of the warrior’s way, that and a lot of homosexuality existed in samurai culture that’s not talked about..  This was a better explanation than,”They’re shy.” I’ve outruled that one as an apologist excuse for Japanese culture shortcomings. The samurai of modern Japan has become the salary man overwork and undersexaholic, all while the relegation of sex into the underworld remains in the dark corners of happening bars and love hotels but never out in the open hallways or train cars.  The sound of the male cicada is almost louder than any other noise outside, because there are hundreds of them at any one time mate calling at once. I am reminded once again that I have no idea what the Japanese man’s mating call is. Everything that I have grown to understand as universal and natural has been thrown out the window. I am stumped, like a tree. I recently made eye contact with a Japanese guy on the train, he received this signal and it led to a one night stand at my place, upon which he promptly left in a hurry in the morning and ignored all my messages to try to hang out in the future.  Did he hit on me or did I hit on him, i’m pretty sure that I was the first one to look at him, but after my initial eyebrow greeting, I allowed him to naturally pursue me in the ways that I knew about from my upbringing in the U.S It was quick and silent, it happened on the train between 3 stops and was conceded in probably ten minutes. Nevertheless, I still don’t consider it successful because I was actually hoping for some kind of repeat dating relationship out of this since we actually had in common that we were performers! The ONLY reason this guy was successful at nanpa with me was because he offered to buy me a couple drinks at a local Izakaya to get to know me, something that his previous unsuccessful suitors didn’t have the common sense to even ask for.  I did it for the skin ship, because i wanted to sleep and cuddle all night, i don’t recall the sex part being anything interesting.. I did make him walk me 1.4 km home to buy more conversational time. Guys actually think they can kiss me within 10-30 minutes of meeting and hanging out or meeting for the first time. If he could drop his pants and mount me on the train and make it in time to get home without having to drop any money or effort at all he’d probably be really happy, oh wait, except they wouldn’t do that in public.  Alright, if he could mount me in a darkened alley outside of his home station without me ever complaining, he’d be happy.   If you agree to go on a date with a Japanese guy, he will indicate this is a date by holding your hand right from the get go. This is the only public display of affection that Japanese people feel comfortable with. Unfortunately for me, holding hands and kissing isn’t something I do with people unless I actually grow to like them, but I have found myself doing this in Japan because it is just the way things are done here.  When in Tokyo…do like Tokyo.

 

Speaking of mating calls and cicadas, the way that the Japanese men that I have had sex with could best be described doesn’t include a mating call but more of an indiscriminate mounting; similar to how dogs do when they smell a bitch.  There’s no mating call, just an expectation of immediate penetration with no foreplay whatsoever. A simple and straightforward one syllable question like “Kiss (チュー?” or “Sexエチ?” or a dropping of the pants and a reveal of their cocks as they stroke them for me have all been some of the unsuccessful attempts to bed me by Japanese men. One guy I actually left in the karaoke room with his pants down.  

 

Japanese men sometimes, hit on me (nanpa) while drunk wanting very primal one night stands late at night, but any other time there is nothing that indicates or lubricates a slow meeting of the minds or the bodies aside from the internet.  If I was a gay man, this type of nanpa would likely be a total win, if my ultimate goal was that quick casual fuck. But one night stands are actually not my goal here, although whatever new experiences I come across will also serve me in the time between my idealized relationship with the warrior who finally gives a shit.

 

12
Jul
18

Wishing for a Superstar Cow Herder…

Tanabata_JapanSuiteThis is the traditional Japanese summer tale called Tanabata  that I first paid attention to my first summer in Japan 2016.  It’s age old, originally from China and adapted into Japanese tradition which can even be seen pictured in Hokusai’s Ukiyoe prints.  I remember making a slip of paper in a nearby shopping mall in Kyoto that July:

“I wish to manifest the future co-creator of the family I wish to build, my mirror nisei nihonjin (this is back when I thought I was nisei, I’m actually hafu not nisei), artist; Bushido Code: Honor, loyalty, courage, integrity, sincerity, politeness and self control.”

36786313_2065384913490019_6171921936256335872_oThe same wish to manifest the future co-creator of the family I wish to build has been a personal mantra that I have chanted for at least 3 years or more intermittently through sex magic and prayer.  It’s not happened yet. Not even close. 3 years ago my ex boyfriend told me,”I’m sure someday you’ll make a great mother.” and in his own way he was trying to be supportive with his words but they were in effect telling me that our relationship was probably soon to expire, definitely before anything like pregnancy between us ever occurred, and that he wasn’t going to be the father.  I remember those words making me cry at the time. It’s just not what your monogamish current girlfriend wants to hear from her twin flame. My twin flame was not meant to be with me for long, he was just meant to reflect all my weaknesses, be like a broken mirror that would turn into the glass shards to cut me so deep and wide that I’d bleed all over myself, and reform into a new being.  That’s what twin flames do, didn’t you know? It’s not meant to be soul mate love, it’s something like the dark knight of the soul in the form of a relationship. I’ve had many of those already though, so that’s why being single for 3 years is bad but it’s not the worst thing, being in a terrible nightmarish relationship is worse. I didn’t write the Bushido code of honor, I found those words on the internet, but the self control part seemed to ring a bell in me.  No addictions, no out of control tempers, no abusers. Been there, done that. This year, since my birthday one of my wishes has been to bring more art into my life, so I embarked on an art project to create a Tanabata Wishing Tree with an accompanying photoshoot. This is pretty ambitious for me since, in the last six months most of my time and energy goes to teaching English full time for my low income and making art and music have had less than a backseat role in my life of late.  I posted an ad on Facebook for a collaborating photographer and I found one. I shopped for things to make the tree and accessories to suit up as Orihime the Star Princess in my newest concept. The photographer backed out of our original Saturday date (July 7th, actual Tanabata observed) and I coaxed him back to do the shoot by nightfall Sunday. Wow. Thank Goddess. I needed this. Art and music are spiritual food for me and my reserves are pretty empty lately and I haven’t done an asianprincessartifacts project in possibly 2 years or more.  

_DSF1704My 短冊 tanzaku (written wishes for the tree) were very specific this year: A greeting kiss in front of the train station.  To sleep in the same bed until the morning, no not just the nanpa morning, every morning with my beloved. Every morning. These two things for 85% of Japanese already take me out of their potential partner list.  I’m not even kidding. 85% of Japanese people will not want to kiss you in public, and certainly not in front of the train station on a regular basis. Most of them also will not want to share a bed with you beyond sex and procreation, and will eventually move to their own room.  These are certainly things that I took for granted in the U.S, as well as the physical attractiveness factor that I held for the more than 50% of heterosexual men that looked at me. I have moved to a country where everything I knew has been turned upside down and/or needs to be thrown out. It’s very rare someone is going to ask you on a date in person or compliment you, carry your bag for you or hold open a door.  This is Japan for women. 

New rules with new players.  Or, old rules new players.   Nothing is as Universal as I thought, especially in the land of densely packed separation. But still i wish upon the star tree I made because miracles brought me here, helped me flourish here and this is how I know I will end up getting everything I want.

27
Mar
18

How to lure the goddess into the light when she is the light

Japanese-Sun-goddess-Amaterasu

Wild Wild Country came out on Netflix, and I’ve been reading the trains of Tokyo with Osho’s book Love, Freedom and Aloneness instead of use my smart phone during the sometimes gruelling commutes between clients.  My kettai’s been acting up and not holding a charge so the switch to paper back seemed like the wisest move to save my SUMAHO time to only the most essential of uses.  I spend at least ten hours on the trains of Tokyo going from school to client to home between the hours of 7:30am in the crushing rush hour of Japan where even getting out your phone to read is impossible.  For fifteen minutes while you are smashed against twenty other Tokyo-ites all you can do is sometimes look at the ceiling of the train car, you can breathe in and out, but most times you can’t even do that as the weight of the person in front and back of you is preventing proper respiration.  If you are short like me, sometimes your view of the ceiling is obstructed and you are just looking straight into someone’s piece of clothing, examining it close up for 15 or so minutes. Finally Shibuya station and about 50 people pour out of the doors of the train car that I have become one with.   Rapid pouring out onto the platform and into two or four orderly lines: two up the escalator and two more thicker but less organized lines up the stair cases. I don’t HATE anything usually, but I definitely definitely HATE Tokyo train rush hour. In WWCountry, I’m learning things about America that I didn’t know before.  I had no idea of this part of Oregon’s history. I hadn’t even heard of Osho before I started to explore Tantra five years ago. Dr. Seuss said,”Why fit in, when you’re born to stand out?” and I have always always been a unique person since my childhood born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Seuss motto supports weirdos like me, American culture values individualism to a degree, but not as much as most people might think, as I never really felt like I was “normal” or “average” as an American either.  In the Osho Ashram in Oregon, all the members (Rajneeshees) wore variations of orange and pink. It looks a lot like what you are given to wear when you enter a Korean spa, something like medical scrubs, unisex, comfortable and not sexy.  I watch this with fascination as I know already that if any religion or spiritual center told me that I had to wear a certain outfit, I’d be out the door after that meeting never to return. It is very interesting being a Tantrika in Japan watching this documentary and trying to read the Japanese subtitles as a form of studying.  To my pleasant surprise, I am actually keeping up at the speed of the subtitles and learning how to say phrases that I need in my life in Japan to describe my spiritual experience. The Japanese motto regarding standing out is in a proverb that everyone knows too well “ 出る杭は打たれる (deru kui wa utareru: the nail that sticks out gets pounded down).  I have felt sooo pounded down in the last six months working and hustling in cold and busy Tokyo. I have been cursed to repeat my high school feelings of not or never being able to fit in or not or never being able to be appreciated for who I am, and feeling attractive and full of self love but somehow not being attractive to anyone around me, or anyone that I would regard as worth my time.  The entire existence of Japan was born from the sun goddess Amaterasu, the first Emperor considered a grandson of the descendant of this goddess. Legend has it that Amaterasu hid in a cave, disgusted with her partner’s bickering, thus causing a constant darkness to fall over the earth. The other gods had to lure her out with a mirror. Apologists for Japanese society swear to me that the goddess is still living in Japan but I find the presence of the divine light in the eyes of the people that walk the crowded streets next to me, that push their existence against me without acknowledgement of each other’s humanity nor of their divinity leads me to constantly depress into a cave…but recently with the bloom of pink cherry blossoms all over the, tunnels of feminine beauty adorn the trees and skies above me and I am, for now, revived and charged with ecosexual energy in Japan.  For once in a long while, I see people exuding happiness everywhere I look, in awe of something bigger than their salaries.  There is a reason that Japan is called “sexless” by the media and that the population is signaling a dire need in a change of the way things have been done since World War Two.  It is time to change again for the sake of the existence of the goddess.  Although many Japanese think that I am merely being critical of Japan without the same realization of the shortcomings of America, the same is going on with the goddess in the U.S and quite possibly all over the world.  The time has come for changes to finally be made everywhere, a country and society that does not realize the power of the sun and the power of the goddess will inevitably perish in darkness.  28618849_10213703895024873_1084500047103387336_o

03
Mar
18

thegoddess is dead in Japan

When I say thegoddess is dead in Japan, I don’t mean that Japanese are not spiritual people.  Many of them are, many of them aren’t, just like many countries.  There is definitely a pervasive form of spirituality that Japan has in its landscape that Christian influenced countries do not have.  When I say thegoddess is dead, I mean the idea of a divine form embodying a human one, is non existent.  Women have no pull and no power here.  The mother cannot ask for recognition for bearing and raising kids anymore than the salary man can ask for recognition for supporting the family.  This is what you are supposed to do.  Don’t you dare ask for credit for what you are supposed to do.  If a woman dressed unique, sexy or something beautiful, not a single man will turn his head.  They will look from the reflection of the glass  in their phones or out of the corner of their eyes, but they will never say a thing. Silence is a cultural norm here, even when 6 people standing on a train almost fall on top of each other.  (This really happened the other day and me out of 6 was the only person who uttered any sounds)  One of my friends called Japanese men “soft” but I think “soft” sounds fluffy and nice and cute, like a cloud.  The majority of Japanese men that I see are spineless and oblivious, like earthworms.  Earthworms are not shy they’re spineless.  and they don’t like light either.  Shy is not the word for them.  So suspend me to the ceiling and spin me around a few times, parade me like rotisserie flesh for the horny eyes of the men in the room.  They are looking now but I don’t care.  All I wanted was for someone to buy me a drink, hold open a door, offer to carry a bag, compliment my outfit or my smile…

YOU be the radiant light and those that can see it will be attracted to it!!  It doesn’t work here in Japan.   Don’t give me your fucking bumper sticker quotes that apply to your life in a non Asian or non Muslim or some other country without similar restrictions.  Save your privilege for your Instagram quotes.   

I want to hear you tell me to “just love myself” as much as I want to hear some blissed out foolio tourist high on Enjoy Japan talk about his recent trip to Tokyo (Japan is sooo clean and organized!  I love it!)  randomly messaging me as some form of flirtation. Screenshot_2018-03-03-17-49-00 The only beings that are attracted to my light are moths.  Drunken moths are one step higher than earthworms as at least they take action even if it kills them.  After I was taken down from the suspension, I went to the bathroom.  I was met there by 2 Japanese men.  I decided to see what the 3 men at the bar could possibly do for me, so I asked one of the guys to get the German man who was speaking to me at the bar.  I hadn’t had sex with 3 guys before, and usually at random times my experimental daring gets the best of me, and since i was just suspended from the ceiling I was high on endorphins and adventure.  I am usually interested in exploring that I have never had before once, just for the sake of it.  It is the new thrill that I like, the sex just comes with it sometimes.  I called the German guy down to the sex room, not because I wanted anything more than a new experience in life.  And definitely after about 20 minutes of my vagina being sucked by an octopus and pussy smashed with inflatable toy hammers at an arcade silently by three guys,  I went back upstairs with a What the hell was that shit? feeling.  It was like blowing three mannequins in a department store elevator (sounds exciting?  Its actually not).  Shaking my head at the huuuuge gap of reality between the porn I masturbate to and the reality I have experienced.   After the two Japanese men ejaculated they disappeared without saying a word, leaving me and the German guy alone to speak in English.  Sex with him was terrible as well.  He wasn’t even aware his dick wasn’t inside of me most of the time and he was moaning to appease my need for “some sound” but I could tell it was fake because he was missing his target completely and oblivious to it.   It was not even my imagination, I really felt nothing from all three of them.  The whole event was one of the worst sexual experiences I’ve ever had inclusive of all of the prostitution I have ever done to date and that, is some seriously, bad sex.  I could never have bad sex as a sex worker as long as I got paid and it wasn’t an assault, because my job was to make money, orgasms were icing on the cake.  This recent night was the equivalent to donating my body to being poked by preteen virgins in a sex lab for free so i felt really unamused after it was over.  Disgusted with the Japanese guys who went quickly up to the bar without even a word and who did not even acknowledge me again at all after that.  I forced myself in their faces, “That was rude.” i said.  “No, no, that was our Ometenashi” the one guy that I actually was attracted to out of the 3 said to me.  Ometanashi my ass.  I said shaking my head.  ( You call that Japanese hospitality, do you?  I call it rude and fucking ridiculous).   This is the symbolic meaning of being tied and suspended in Kinbaku for me.  A performance piece is being written with my life experiences, right alongside this blog.  Butoh is another thing I got to experience living in Japan, like Kinbaku rope play, and the uneventful sexual experiment that followed, I had to come to Japan to have access.

The German guy stayed with me and talked with me, bought me a drink, walked me to the train station in the morning and was aching to continue our “adventure” but it was no longer an adventure but a sex tragedy of epic proportions that I’d soon forget quicker if he wasn’t actually trying to walk me to the train station and attempt to stay in touch.  But wasn’t this the chivalry you said you wanted goddess? He tried to hold my hand and I pulled it away.  You can’t move from terrible sex to holding hands in one hour.  I was not interested in dating him.  Take him on as long term coaching client, yes.  Date him, no.   If he reads this and his ego can handle it, then he’ll consider some serious sexual awareness lessons.  My boyfriends and lovers need to be of a certain sexual standard that my clients often are not.   I can be compassionate in the professional container.  Empathy and recovery from unbelievably terrible sex only comes after love and relationship are established and it can’t happen the other way around, even for a Tantrika because I am MOSTLY human.   thegoddess light was needed to love me, myself and I only and deeply to recover from that clown show (and yes, I DO LOVE MYSELF very very much, Thank you bumper stickers for the reminder).   I had gone in, in, inward and was not feeling namaste or like seeing the god in anyone but myself.  At that point, 5:30am Shinjuku train station cold and hungry, waiting for the first train of the day,  I just wanted to be in my bed alone.   I am thankful that the German guy wasn’t Japanese because then I can’t blame the whole incident entirely on Japanese dicks.  Regardless, it still gets chalked up as an interesting sex experience I could only have in Japan.  And still gets counted as the worst sex I’ve had in 41 years.  




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