Archive for the 'toronto' Category

21
Aug
11

Before you get vomited out, you must first pass through the belly of the beast

it’s official.  i hate sex work right now.  and i think i have for quite a while now.

but i am not trying to “get a job” either.  I am working hard on my art, submitting proposals, actively seeking new opportunities on a full time basis, doing the work to become the artist I want to be, as Gandi would say.  I wish that I wasn’t such an idealist, i am so suprised it hasn’t been burnt out of me.  I remember this feeling of nausea, of hatred of each day…of the impatience at the same shit on a different day.

2 bum calls and one Black guy who had such scary energy I was super glad I got out of there when I did and not a second sooner.  He was the kind of man who looked like he wanted to kill me but couldn’t find a reason to.  I shined all my golden light into him but he never received me.  He was evasive and didn’t want to answer my questions and he had the death look in his eyes.  This death look is what you see when you think someone could kill you.  You may have seen this gaze in a lover or a partner’s eyes before.  I’ve seen it before.  Nothing that I could say, me the master of de-escalating myself out of violence over and over again, was going to make this guy WARM UP to me.  And that was what made me nervous.  I did not want to have sex with him.  I upsold the sex so he wouldn’t do it.  The truth was I was sick to my stomach of Asiaphile Black dudes with their Asian fetishes and varying annoying personalities.  I did a hand job/body rub with one and then actually turned down his money because I just would not allow myself to sit through a situation where I would feel molested for money again.  At least not in such a short period.  Is it their racist imperialism?  Or is that I can’t stomach faking it more than once.  I’ve concluded that that was part of it.  I actually kind of HATE regulars.  And the guys that I am actually attracted to, I just end up trying to date or discount and so it doesn’t really last long either way.  But fucking the same dude that I didn’t like the first time gets super hard for me pretty quickly.  I remember doing mushrooms with one of my sugar daddies who insisted saying “I love you” to me all the time and I literally started vomiting.  It was a great way to get out of having to be close to him or have sex with him.  I chose to hang out with my best friends instead of make $1500 a day.  They thought I was crazy.  They were worth more to me though.  I know more than ever since doing so much sex work what in this life is PRICELESS and what is not.  I knew i couldn’t stomach him anymore is why.  Throwing up was the last resource I had.  I used that money well.  But it’s gone now.  I launched my solo theatre show with it and funded a cabaret.

This Black guy wanted me to be his personal travel assistant, around the world rubbing his shoulders, Thailand, Japan.  Bleah.  That would be my equivalent to sex slavery.  I can barely work a regular job with a boss., let alone be a sugar baby for longer than a week.  My true colors shine through and I throw off their patriarchal (they usually can’t help it, they’re in their 50s) shackles and usually walk out with my last donation liberated and relieved.

I drove to this tweaker’s house 30 minutes away and the way he talked to me was so cold.  He did not care that he had wasted my time.  He didn’t have weed, or a beer to offer me, nor gas money for my time.  He wasn’t going to give me shit.  just a bongful of shit.  Bleah.  No thank you.  I just gave that up for the last time, nasty horrible fucking shit.  I won’t even try it for kicks like I used to.  Sometimes I would do it just to see if it would do anything for me.  I would take it in a few hits and marvel about how I felt nothing, compared to a few hits of smoking a bong of weed.  I was boggled by how much power it had over so many people!  I use it as a tool of hopeless self injury when I have done it, not in the ways of how many tweakers use it.   I tried to understand the mind of a tweaker but I could never do it.  I am too strong and healthy.   Never again.  The vultures they call you to partake, they have no intention in paying you.  Just getting you high and fucking you to death.  I’m so sick of all the toxic drug addicts.  I am no longer content to just take their money and exploit their addictions, because this becomes my addiction too.  It’s a form of codependency that I have…and I am trying to kick it…Because the nature of SEX WORK includes dependence on money, it a really hard addiction to kick, especially in my personal economy when love and money are in constant need.

When you are doing sex work with a partner that you despise and you hate every second that they are intimate with you, it feels like you are being molested.  (I have only been date raped so I can only imagine this is what it feels like).  Me, the survivor is always trying to push myself to the limit, to the edge….I have pushed myself for nearly 5 years now and now I would like to be done.  I have danced with the devil and burned in the belly of the beast, fought off its invitations, corruptions, and henchmen.  I have seen my potential and realized some of my dreams with this work.  I have fought hard to create normalcy and justice for myself, for other sex workers who hated me, for those that never knew.  I’m done.  But i’m just done in my head, because as you know this transition can take months or years.  I did almost transition in 2009 when I was on probation, I quit one of my agencies and had a hard time of going indy and faced the famine which led to the nearest I have ever come to suicide in my life.  I have NOT truly considered it since but i often use it as a reference point so it concerns people sometimes. I was on probation, had just lost my teaching rights and just ended a horrible relationship and quit swop-la the first time.

My facebook friend Wendy Babcock recently died.  They said she committed suicide but I don’t believe it.  She was alive and well when I was “talking” to her through her facebook posts. She was actively writing, being interviewed, doing activism and reaching out to me.  Not the kind of person who is hopeless, depressed or suicidal.  Perhaps we don’t really know what suicidal really looks like then.  It scares me.  She was born on May 29.  We have the same birthday.  When she died, a part of me died too.  She was a valiant sex worker activist in Toronto, Canada.  She and I had just connected on how negative I felt about sex work and she was a thread of hope and support for me in this time when I do need it and continue to need it.

I am trying to date men and women on various internet dating sites with very little luck.  I am experimenting with telling them I am a sex worker on the second date.  I don’t blast it in my profile.  I used to just say, fuck you, i am a sex worker, love me or leave me!!! but the kind of men I attracted were just losers and abusers so I thought I’d try a different approach…

last nite someone stood me up and I knew it was NOT about me but it just bummed me out hard because I have been working so hard on creating these loopholes, revising my profile, trying to ease someone into the idea of dating a sex worker, testing the boundaries by talking about porn, hiding the true details, accentuating the minor into major to cover up the sex work…

there are still good days and good clients.   great clients and good times to ease the pain.  thank the universe for that.   Unlike my stripper days, I am older and wiser and I know how to take good care of myself better…but it is still hard.  I am single and dealing with this on my own.  It is sort of unfair to bring a new romantic date into my chaotic mix because I am really negative and emotional…it’s hard not to just unload on someone that I want to just hold me…

I think my reverse escorting days are done too.  I tried to make it work time and time again, but in the end, it never did.  It was just a long, drawn out, unpaid or low paid session.  I was never their girl.  Never qualified and they let me know it.  In Gun Hill Road, the trans woman character (who is not a sex worker) has a lover that just fucks her but won’t take her out to restaurants or movies.  Sadly, I could identify with my last lover that I would find myself gushing wetness under every month.  twice a month at most. I knew it was abusive.  But more self abusive though.  I was complacent in going over there and indulging in what he was offering.  I do not blame myself at all because I WAS better off than alone.

I still stay in their arms if they’re decent and willing and we are exchanging good energy.  I ended my 9 month unhealthy affair with the above mentioned former client turned lover who was really just a PnP addiction.  It was just a little bit of money, lots or orgasms, affection, and a little bit of drugs.  I trained him to go from 0 to hero in 3 sessions.  I used to hate having him go down on me and soon i begged for it.  9 orgasms was the most I’d had in perhaps ten years!  Do you blame me?  In my 30s, the combo of sex love magic stays in my body and warms my spirit for a good 24 hours afterwards.  I don’t remember being that conscious of it in my 20s of even having the kind of relationship I have to body and energy as aI do at 35.

Gay boys and hookers PnP for the same reason.  Toxic people, mutual loneliness, trying to live up to beauty and sex machine standards, remnants of past trauma and the emotional deficit collide.  he didn’t call me for the last time and I wanted to injest him for the last time until he cut through my veins and caused every muscle in my body to hurt and tense up in soreness for over a week.  And then I blocked him from being able to call me (My wireless carrier allows you to do that now! I wished they had this service when the crazy white trash girlfriend was texting me cussng insults once she found out i was fucking her man).

I did a cathartic sort of Amy Winehouse-esque memorial ritual the weekend she was found dead and I learned that I was stronger than letting your addictions kill you.  stronger than drug addiction.  stronger than sex work.  stronger than rape. robbery. arrest.  racism. conspiracy theories.  mental illness.  rape culture.  pimps.  I’ve learned my lessons and it is time to move to a different chapter.

11
Oct
10

A Great Day to Be a Whore In Toronto?

September 27, 2010

Imagine that I would have to cross a border North and immediately experience more freedom and more profit…I’m sure the average American finds that absolutely difficult to believe.  I wonder if the average Mexican has figured it out yet.  There is a large Spanish speaking community here in Toronto.  But also, there is a large Tagalog, Cantonese, South Asian, West African, Lebanese and many other ethnic communities.  It’s like a Los Angeles in a way, but much more integrated, less segregated, less repressed.  The Tagalog speakers are loud and boastful in the shopping malls in ways that they aren’t in LA.  In L.A Filipinos make a small part of the greater Asian population and face lots of invisibility by being mistaken as Latino.  In LA, Filipino is even a separate ethnic division from the rest of the Asian ethnicities, thus creating an institutionalized division amongst the people.  Toronto reminds me of San Francisco in that way, but it has a distinct East Coast flavor and weather so it is more like Washington D.C and New York City than San Francisco.

I am here on a whim, there was a Sex Worker Cabaret here in town and I used it as an excuse to fly over.  I had no idea that this week there would be a historical overturning of an Ontario prostitution law, which would make working here an amazingly liberating experience.  This was not legalization.  This seemed to be decriminalization.

October 2, 2010

The craigslist novelty has quickly worn off.  Strangely as if the same 20 guys were on wide eyeballed stand by ready to fire away calls at the bonafide newbie at the top of the thread, my phone had stopped ringing as busy as it was the first time I placed an ad.

I had spent $60 another adult internet escortguide for Toronto and the phone had not yet started to ring from that investment.  The familiar anxiety of the gambler watching his hopeful investment slowly back him into a corner.   How I was hoping that it was going to be the hidden Canadian gold mine that would just rain on me!  Ching ching ching of loonies (one dollar coins) and toonies (two dollar coins)!  LOL.  It was nice to dream.  New york city was a pleasant and slightly profitable surprise.  That was the original plan.  That might be what I end up doing after all.  Probably not.  I’m unsure exactly.  I know I want to leave LA and that I could take my act on the road to anywhere, I just am looking for that special and better place to pull me into its arms and hold me til the morning…

Every October Toronto has an all night art walk!

Artwise Toronto has a more than interesting scene.  Tonight I embark on their biggest artwalk event of the year called Nova Scotia Nuit Blanche.  I’m definitely charmed by the city, but wish that some of my local friends were more available to show me around as I have been exploring the city alone as I usually do when I don’t know anyone.  I often judge a city by how sexy I feel walking around in it and by how many people I am actually attracted to flirt with me.  But, usually the dawning of winter visits to Eastern urban locations don’t lend to being very sexy rushing underground for trains in rain and snow when it comes.  But you never know..eskimoes mate and it isn’t quite snowing or “that cold” in Toronto to most local folks.  They laugh at me when I shiver.

October 10, 2010

2 weeks in Toronto flying home to LA.  I decided to wait out my sex work business in newly decriminalized Toronto to see if business-wise the city would be the hotbed of sex work prosperity that I had thought that it would be when I scored my first Craigslist cash so easy.  Beginner’s Luck.  I jumped on the free Craigslist and pulled a $200 client out of it almost immediately.  Pretty amazing for investing $0 even if it was below my usual hourly rate in LA.  Little did I know that $200 was a lot for the average Toronto CL guy.  Only a blowjob anyway, it wasn’t much but I figured it happened pretty fast and I felt there would be an easy flood of many more to come.  I was wrong.  Later during the week, between 3 different accounts that I had built from the days in the U.S when we also had a Craigslist, I was able to place up to 3 or 4 erotic service ads in the same day, and many days the phone would not ring.  Every single calling was an inquiry about “bare back blow jobs” (Do you do BBBJ?) or “Greek” (anal) or even “raw” (unprotected) sex.  Argh. I wanted to pull my hair out!  $200 for an hour seemed to be out of the question for most of the Craigslist guys, and even if you agreed to what they wanted for the price of $120 for a half hour –STILL they were not coming in!

In criminalized zones where “communicating for the purposes of prostitution” (Canadian Law recently struck down) were strictly prohibited it makes it very easy for the worker to stay in power about what she offers by being vague and ambiguous about her services.  I would always hang up on any client who asked any specific questions about anything sexual.  The only communication that was allowed by most seasoned pros was “how much per hour” and what do you look like?  I feel that these are the respectful minimal questions that usually helped me screen out perverts who were unable to control their mouths enough to not get us both arrested or to screen out clients who just wanted free phone sex. My preference in sucking anonymous penis has always been to use condoms.  Yes, I tend to be biased for work, but I suck more dick professionally than in my personal life and I would wrap even a personal date up if I felt that I was putting the other person at risk for a herpes outbreak. If I have a cold sore that I can feel on my tongue or gumline or any other cuts in my mouth, I will always disclose or use condoms or both; personal or professional.  One time, I had a cold sore and I wanted to cover up a trick’s penis (I call them tricks when they are rude, disrespectful or ignorant).  “There’s a possibility that I could give you herpes sores all over your penis if you don’t use a condom,” I said.  “Go on then,” he said,”Give me herpes!”  I left his place without letting him have his way.  He didn’t want to use a condom, and his bathroom hadn’t seen soap in ages.  His apartment was disgustingly dirty below my standards for being an acceptable place to even whore and I turned down money to do more than just a covered blow job because that would mean I would need to shower (of which there was nothing that looked like a place to get clean in the bathroom) and I would need to be somewhat horizontal.  Some whores can and will always make it work.  Some streetworkers are known to just do it standing up outside in alleyways, true, but I just wasn’t about to do that.  This dude didn’t have a bed, just a cluttered and dirty weight bench and the dirtiest bathroom I’d seen in a while. I need somewhere to sit or lay comfortably for the act of penetration and a clean sink or shower with a decent towel in the bathroom (paper towels will do if there is absolutely nothing).  I’ve done it in auto body shops after hours and offices true, but they at least had a clean desk to lean my body over and a clean employee bathroom sink to throw up a leg and wash myself off after my client.  For me, the post sex wash-off is my most necessary ritual.  Soap and water after any vaginal sex helps keep the yeast and other bacterial infections away!  When I’m in the usual bathroom setting of a client’s residence or hotel, I revel in something I call an “escort bath” and I run the faucet of the bathtub between my legs while squatting in their tub so my hair and make-up doesn’t get messed up for my next client.  Usually there is lube involved, so I usually need some way to get all of that off.   Once I feel the hot water and I am scrubbing, I breath deeply and know I will be out the door in 5 minutes.  Rituals are good.

Some of my friends who have been in decriminalized Sydney, Australia say that it depends on the culture of prostitution in any location.  In legal brothels, guys were able to ask for extra above and beyond services like deep French kissing or BBBJ but the girls were allowed to charge up to an xtra $100 for it.  Most of the guys opted to just use condoms for blow jobs.  Condoms for intercourse were mandatory in legal brothels.  In the brothel in Nevada that I worked at, the uncovered bj seemed to be the norm.  I was the only “nerd” who did it with condoms.  I would have to say my overall impression of the client culture in Toronto was cheap, spoiled and over saturated.  Sex work may have been newly decriminalized in time for my stay there, but the NOW weekly Toronto newspaper boasted no less than 30 pages of sex work ads in the back of each weekly issue filled with massage parlors mostly and other venues full of sex workers.  Free craigslist was daily fraught and totally saturated with workers who overly used vulgar descriptions to try to pull clients out of the sea of ads.  I never wanted to do that with my ads, as I felt that I might disappoint them with how tame I turned out to be when I didn’t give them a PSE (porn star experience: which includes possibly swallowing cum, fucking without a condom, allowing facial ejaculation).    I LOVE being both an escort that charges for my time and a prostitute that charges for sex acts, and as a RESPECTABLE, SELF DETERMINED AND EDUCATED LADY I get to decide which I want to be at what time.  This to me, is the definition of control in my work.

A PSE with a non tested stranger?  Are you kidding me?  I have trouble signing on to do mainstream porn these days because my porn star friend has confirmed to me that AIM healthcare screenings (just like most Gay and Lesbian Health Clinics, including LA’s biggest one LAGLC) DO NOT INCLUDE TESTS for Herpes 1, 2 or Hep C.  “Everyone in porn has herpes.” She says.  How could they not?  It’s just not possible to get a “free ride” with out any protection and not get at least herpes.  I have already contracted herpes 1 somehow, possibly not from sex work but who knows. Previous to finding out my status I was doing covered blow jobs and dental dam oral sex and 69 jobs (like now) if they wanted and STILL got herpes.  The porn industry is an example, some could argue of how having an STD isn’t the end of the world or your awesome hot sex life and is usually overly stigmatized by the negative population to control and stigmatize the positive population. (Have you asked the average HIV+ man if he hates all the unprotected sex he’s having with all the other pos guys?)  Herpes is entirely manageable but it doesn’t stop people from freaking out about them despite the fact that they have most likely already been with herpes+ folks who haven’t disclosed already.  The health checks that are required to work in brothels in Nevada also do not require tests for Herpes or Hep.  Why? Because 80% of the population has HSV 1 or 2 or both and Hep C tests are expensive to run if you aren’t sure you are at risk (blood transmitted).   They don’t tell you any of this of course and most places that pronounce you with a “clean test” give you this disillusion that you are clean of any possible STDs and can fuck away without guilt or worry of transmitting anything.  It’s harm reduction most definitely and very necessary to stop the spread of HIV, gonnorhea, chylmidyia and syphllis.  So the overly used “at least they are tested at brothels” line as an argument for why brothel girls or legalization is safer is usually coming from the mouth of an ignorant patriarchal TRICK, like the one who tried to leave me abusive, ignorant comments on my blog a couple of months ago (I deleted them, and blocked further comments from his fuckwit ass; this is the only response I’ve bothered with to date).

I deal with it so much, stigma and fear.  Sometimes it’s related to sex work and other times it is not.  I grew up covered with eczema until I became a topless dancer at 21.  For some reason the rashes and the boils decreased at the same time that I started to realize a new income from my body and suddenly realized beauty…

Bed Bugs which have made a comeback lately have the same stigma.  I saw a New York city article that warned of bed bugs transmitted through one night stands.  Blood sucking  insects love my blood.  Mosquitoes, fleas, bed bugs.  I get large infected boils that was once a microscopic insect blood sucker and the scars last for a month sometimes.  My brother in law was disgusted that I had slept in the same bed as his kids because I had bed bug bites.  He was afraid they would get them somehow from me even though I didn’t “have” them on me.   Don’t contaminate my children.  And this had nothing to do with sex or sex work. People were afraid of me when my eczema was really bad, even though that is totally genetic and not contagious at all.   They were afraid to touch me some of them.  They thought I had scabies or ring worm.  Sadness of those times.  But it is those times that make me strong for the new situations that come up.

Just had the worst sex last night because after I disclosed to this guy he was obviously so afraid of me that he couldn’t fuck good and was afraid to even finger me which is pretty safe.  I had some gloves.  Wish he would have asked.  Truly it is very hard to pass herpes from finger to genitals.  there just isn’t enough research done on this to know, but even kissing someone with a fat sore on their lip doesn’t even always lead to the spread of herpes. (I don’t get those lip sores at all but I have made out with someone who has).   It’s very unpredictable so you can’t live your life like the boy in the bubble.  You don’t anyway, you just want to with some people because you think it will help.   I cannot cum with dick penetration alone.  No foreplay, no connection, no fingerbanging?  Forget about it.  Might as well walk away.  Was he even scared to lick my nipples?  I don’t know but he didn’t do it very much, which is kind of a key part of turning me on.   The funny thing is that he was scratching his head and wondering why he couldn’t make me cum.  My attempt to give it the old fleshbot try and just go for getting laid kind of failed and I wished I had waited for a better person.  Felt like work sex, but I’ve had lots of hot work sex.  I make them make me orgasm too if I can help it. Especially when I am single, but alas there was hardly any clients in Toronto and the ones I had were not intercourse..

For me, the main reason I do sex work and have done sex work for almost 12-14 years is to RECLAIM BACK POWER LOST.  This is a constant process in a sexist, capitalist patriarchy and dominant rape culture.  If I do not feel empowered in my sex work transactions, the work loses power and I lose attraction to the work.  While working in Toronto, fielding calls from all the Craigslist idiots, wasting money on review board sites, backpage and Eros guide, I felt disempowered.  Hearing the click of the hangup after you told the guy that you didn’t want to do an uncovered blow job was disempowering.  (I prefer the alternative which is to not make it even a choice, just slip it on their dick, start sucking and they usually stop complaining)  Sex work is not easy work for most people.  It takes time to learn a city.  Even in Los Angeles where I make my most money being an agency AND indy girl at the same time, the hustle is hard, the hours are long and it has taken me 5 years to get it just right.  I have found a niche there after many years and my attempts to travel to places has always been a huge gamble and I am overjoyed when I travel and I am actually able to pay for the my travels and some of my bills while I am abroad.  This has happened in Hawaii and New York recently.  Usually, I am able to make the expenses for my trip at the minimum, but sometimes, like in a recent trip to Las Vegas I come up with nothing.  In Toronto, I placed ads in multiple outlets and worked with a small agency at an upscale condo incall downtown overlooking the CN Tower.  No calls and no clients and all the girls working as well as the agent were steady posting on Craigslist all night long.

Just like my horrible experience at Bellas brothel in Nevada was chalked up as experience so are most of my global whoring adventures to cities that just don’t work out for me.  I feel that it is an enormous privilege for me to be able to travel like this and be this free to purse my art and music in any city that I can raise the airfare and find a friend that will put me up for free.  My sex work and my ability to at least possibly profit from sex work wherever I go is the golden key that potentially unlocks my prosperity or even survival in any city or country.  I usually make my expenses, sometimes I lose out on advertising and hotel costs but I can always rush home to LA to try to recuperate them.   I want to leave Los Angeles, but wonder if and when it will be possible and where I will go where I can make enough money to pay for my rent and art/music career that doesn’t pay the bills.  I have a very steady income juggling agency and independent work and all of my attempts to leave have been so fruitless it is a scary proposition unless I transition into another job.  Entry level harm reduction work in Toronto pays my friend $20/hr where the same exact job in LA would pay her $12 or $14 at best.  Canadians give higher value to their social services and have a national health care plan for all citizens so moving there, getting married and making non profit work my main job might be an option.  Canadians are also more generous to their artists, and have even funded my international appearance at a gallery there a few years ago.  Currently I have a proposal in the works with a gallery in Toronto to return in May so we will cross our fingers and hope that we can make a PAID RETURN TRIP possible where I don’t have to depend on sex work for room and board and I can concentrate on my art and music, sex work on the side.

Speaking of my own performance and art in Toronto, I had an amazing and successful time.  I sang at the Sex Worker Cabaret and at 2 other open mics.  Toronto open mics are much more plentiful and supportive overall.  They let you do 3 songs and you don’t need to buy 2 drinks just 2 sing! (although I usually end up buying like 6)  I sold lots of copies of my newly produced 5 song EP “Songs from the Whore Revolution” ($5) which included a song that I just made after ending my last relationship in August and a new coffee table art book ($50 with $10-20 shipping and handling). Every time I sell my art and music its as good as having an orgasm.  Again I am thankful that I have many talents that yield potential profit so that when the sex work market is bad, I can depend on my art and music skills to put food and marijuana on the table.  I have even been known to sell t-shirts on a blanket if I needed to! Getting laid in Toronto was ALSO quite difficult.  I am returning back to LA without having received a good Canadian pounding and I am frustrated about it.  Meanwhile my gay roommate that I stayed with probably had sex with 5 different guys each week that I was there and he wasn’t even doing sex work.  I always marvel at how even when I am a busy prosperous whore, I am still no match for the average sexually active gay man.




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