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Thegoddess and the sub-marine. Okinawa 2017.

​It IS possible to LOVE without attachment. AND, it is possible to heal while healing others.  The feminine/receptive client should usually receive more. But i just found out this was not always so.

Perhaps, the Tantra goddess LOVE in session can be compared to a foster parent who adopts and cares for a baby for a couple weeks and cries with sadness as it is removed knowingly. We knew this would end like this but its still heartbreaking.  A hole in my heart seems to be rapidly closing as i write this so i wanted to exposit….
How could you have really LOVED that client? Thats not “real love.”   I love all my Tantra clients, even if im not attracted to them.   This one however i was madly physically attracted to from the moment we first skyped and it made our sessions take a deeper dive immediately. I LONG TO BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE I LOVE AND WHO LOVES ME. its our deepest primal nature.  My agreement in sessions is to always open heart energy.  Indeed we heal each other from this moment consciously.  Ive been doing it with glee for 4 years.  So then, add someone who is both dominant AND submissive, an officer and a gentleman, willing to serve and respect and be teachable?  “Im here to support thegoddess in anyway she needs.”  LOVE-ly right?  This is how they fell in love in Miss Saigon too and why this whole thing was a running ironic joke for me. And im now “on my own pretending hes beside me” like Les Mis.

Ive found that i act as a temporary girlfriend and coach to these men. Some relationships are clearly 1000 degrees hotter than others and its not something any of us can control or predict. This sub-marine served as a temporary boyfriend for me simultaneously because that was the current need i had and one of the only ones possible from a distance.  But as we got closer to meeting…he would distance and want to evacuate.  This happened at the airport on my way to Naha and then finally the other nite he expressed his final desire to eject and i let him go cordially and with grace.

But i sure wanted to crawl on my belly thru a barbed wire JUNGLE of logic crying for him to take me back to beg him to love me more.  Because…our agreement which was annihilated was that he would sub for me and then switch and i would sub for him. So i longed for completion. And part of me still does.
Youd think getting paid to not finish work would be satisfying but its not. It feels like failure and a bunch of what did i dos and how can i fix it ring in your head.
In a dating profile sense, a career military white non Japanese speaking guy in Japan is pretty much the opposite of what i seek in a partner but because we work with love energy and practical content for a short period we can suspend the things we desire in a “real relationship.” and this is why it is so effective.  My work has ALWAYS gotten me in bed with people I would never usually date in the “real world.” Yet,  how i can LOVE so many of these opposites without even  intercourse occuring.  He paid a lot to love me and to receive my love and teachings, and he never even had an orgasm. I thought that was going to keep him. But it doesnt keep the avoidant detacher.  Sometimes even penetration is too much intimacy. They are least comfortable in actual closeness. So perhaps serving a regular more cruel femme domme would be safer for him because she certainly wouldnt shower him with love and kisses and compliments, but thats not the way i dominate.  I try to make all my work also serve me in some way so that it is more than a transaction. Its an adventure. 😉

Reading about relationship styles (secure/anxious/avoidant) last nite helped me process intellectually. Cord cutting helped spiritually. Breathing into forward motion. Still loving. I remember the lesson making love with an army nurse in Seattle taught me about loving without attachment even if it makes you cry as you leave IS possible. And mutually healing. And better with condoms so no Bui doi are conceived.  Just sex magical union for as long as you have each other. And dating after these session quickly changes the dynamic, but of course Ive done it many a time.  maybe thats where i went wrong. But ill never not be a work in progress. I could have been MORE HEALTHY. Nah… too late.

Our souls FIRST REALLY BEGAN OUR UNION when I was 15 with my bffs brother on spring break in Hawaii. He was also gorgeous to gaze at and gave me more loving than id felt in a while.Talked in love on expensive phone calls for 2 mos, bought him a ticket to CA and he practically broke up with me at the airport just like sub-marine. My first avoidant detacher HEART BREAK TRAUMA. if i knew then what i know now…

So, my submarine session can heal that wound and the teenage girl who didnt understand why and what she did (nothing). Because 3 yrs later at 19, also a 18yo military man by then, the two saw each other again at the bffs house in LA and reunited in casual and heartless sex at night and sexual assault in the morning in her search for healing her 15 year old. Instead receiving Double trauma.

These experiences have made me the LOVER i am today.  And i didnt get to being the open hearted goddess dominant without first being an abusive angry vengeful bitch. But blame and scorn of this boy and other boys and other men did not work either. And it certaily did it heal anyone involved or undo any past trauma, in fact it poisoned me.  So i learned how to CONSCIOUSLY HEAL because for decades before that i was seeking healing but not conscious it was having the opposite effect.
And so if i call him and cry and submit to my past wounds this week, you will have to forgive me. I will have to forgive me too. But it seems less and less that thats the way this story is going to end.

To be continued


To Whore or Not to Whore Part 2

Survival sex work doesn’t take thought in the same way that blocking a punch coming at your face is an instinctual move for most. Taking the time to assess whether you can meet your basic needs in other ways is comparable to the thought process of assessing why you even had to block a punch to the face in the first place.  This is the art part of martial arts. It is different from “self defense.” I was indeed a front line soldier for many years, so self defense was necessary but “it (to be in the war, to fight, to survive, to struggle)”, I learned, like everything was ALSO a choice. 

If you are doing survival sex work you are not in control of the working conditions or clients and it is often an act of desperation not empowerment.  The funny thing is when I called myself a “whore revolutionary,” I also referred to my work as a matter of survival NOT choice.  I empowered myself in my survival versus my choice, I likened myself to a suicide bomber in an occupation I inherited.  It was a slippery slope, and I predictably slipped to surrender to the greater elements constantly wearing me down, including mainly my own thinking around these issues, which I was not ready to admit until I was ready to submit.

Sex work is ONLY empowering when you WANT TO DO IT and you get to do it HOW and WHEN YOU WANT to do it.  

When I am working online looking for jobs and opportunities in Japan that I can do without a visa, I look for hours on craigslist.  Just like any metropolitan city craigslist there are ads for adult video models and escorts and various other things in the sex industry.  I shoot off emails with sexy photos to see what kind of entity i’m working with, whether or not they will actually respond and if they can tempt me further.  Every month living in Japan and paying rent is a challenge for me. I don’t go out and party much because of my limited income, i don’t get to go to a lot of basic social things in the center of the city like a Japanese or boxing class because traveling there requires $10 on the train and usually whatever cost of the event and a meal or two.  I imagine myself living under a bridge with the other homeless in Japan or trying to live in a shelter of some kind with all my huge piles of luggage and my guitar.  I wrack my brain trying to market all the different skills i have in the different sections of jobs offered. I am a freelance writer, i can teach English, i can teach Tantra to groups and individuals, i can do things in food service, I am great with children…Is it really time to pull out the goddess standards and make my money by any means necessary? I meditate on it.

One of my first Tantra clients in Tokyo paid my regular rate for a non intercourse, energy based session. I thought he would be a repeat client, we seemed to hit it off well. I kept in contact with him for a couple months while I travelled and upon returning back to Tokyo I asked him if he wanted another Tantra session. It seemed he wanted more than I was willing to offer as thegoddess.  He wanted an escort. After a long annoying conversation, he ended it with, “Give me a call if you ever decide you want to escort again. Ganbatte (good luck).”  Normally I would have instantly deleted his contact, but i kept it like it was an EMERGENCY CONTACT because I knew that maybe that day in Japan would come and I might have to call him up and give him the date I wasn’t willing to give that day. I had already been to his upscale high rise apartment and knew some of his story, so, it would be a safe person to escort with if that day ever did need to come.  

I had started a crowd fundraiser to pay rent but also entitled a VIBE RAISER so that I could RAISE THE VIBRATION of my potential, of my possibilities, to remind me of the work I was brought to do in Japan.  I sent off a quick message to him and he was less than friendly in his response. I reminded him of his escorting proposal some months ago. I was cold and detached and removed from my body. Totally opposite of thegoddess in the VIBERAISER video singing and asking a crowd of followers to help support her mission.

“Is that offer still on the table?” I messaged.

We proceeded to engage in a long detailed negotiation about what I would and wouldn’t do for how much.  These kinds of conversations I hadn’t had in years as a goddess but that I was relegating myself to for SURVIVAL. I was swallowing my pride and willing myself to take it because it wasn’t going to be so bad and all these other reasons.  He seemed surprised that I even had a right to any boundaries or respect, though I had taught him how to honor me as a goddess before, he seemed to forget it all. He even asked “So why have you decided to call me now?” These types of emotionally triggering questions, that in my past I would answer with frank fearlessness. But I knew better than to bite the hand before it fed me.  “So, you need support?” he asked. “I need a client.” I answered stoicly, trying hard to bite my tongue and stay in the safety zone. “Isn’t that the same thing?” “NO.” I said without elaboration.  My coldness of heart made even me shudder.  I knew it would be the same when I saw him, which would make me likely a terrible lover when and if the time came. i resented him so much and his line of questioning, his arrogance, his lack of Godliness. i resented that I was even asking, that I had to constrict my soul so much to have a basic negotiation conversation. I hadn’t felt like that in years.  I went lap swimming to change my energy and do some moving meditation. i asked the Universe,”Is this REALLY what I am supposed to be doing here? Is this the answer you are giving me now?” Swimming. Swimming. Meditating. Moving.

The next day said client texted after all of what I felt to be painful negotiation that my rate for escorting (seen as more than the session completed before for the same price) was too much. Ended with another Good Luck to you.

I rejoiced. DELETED his messages and number and proceeded to remove that plan from my consciousness. it was a valiant effort.  I was not sure HOW a solution would replace this, but I was 1000% sure that HE was not offering any part of it.

I did another VIBERAISER/FUNDRAISER video without alluding to any of that interaction. I was ready to trust in new solutions instead of relegate to ones that I had known before.

Later that evening, a friend who had actually “broken up” with me randomly messages thru Facebook. “Hey, Im starring in a music video tonite in Shibuya. We need an Asian woman to wear a G string and play a prostitute in a hotel room with a Yakuza gangster. It pays $275 (my fundraiser goal was $500) if you can get down here in a couple hours.”

YES. YES. YES. YES. Y.  E.  S!!!!!!

VIBERAISER SUCCESS. Intentions heard thru the world in loud, magnificent volumes.


 But all your experiences in life will put you in the greatest position to capitalize where others dare not enter, because they could not even imagine where you’ve been.

THIS WAS the Real WHORE REVOLUTIONARY not ANY of that shit I was doing before.  I never again have to question if that day will come in Japan, because it already did and thegoddess levitated above it all. 


To Whore or not to Whore (pt 1/2) 

I worked as a “full service” escort for something close to 7 years. Even though when I had my first act of paid penetration, it was consensual and I wanted to do it, much like when I was 15 during my first i intercourse, it was still definitely a shock and shift within my soul. I laid on my back frozen like a terrified virgin, even more frozen than when I was at 15. Indeed, it was like losing a second virginity.  i was 29 at the time, so I was many years beyond my first sexual intercourse encounter, but this act was huge and would mark a fairly long new stage of my life. Slowly, with each new client it became easier and easier and I started to get very comfortable with every aspect of prostitution and really enjoy the job. It was always about the job and the work for me, enjoyment of the sex was secondary and not required or expected. The thrill was the stacks of money I made and the risks I took, the thrill was in the ease of comfort that soon became a core part of my identity, one simple word that I used to design a logo for, a commonly used and often derogatory slur that I and many of my comrades in the movement reappropriated and wore proudly to conferences walking through airports, colleges and around children, enjoying the fact that we were announcing to the world that they were looking at a proud WHORE.  
Fast forward almost 4 yrs. 3 Years of Tantra training, one serious relationship and many coaches and teachers helping me to get to my higher goddess self, which for me (note: ME) was away from being the whore that I once was.  I definitely had a good run of it, Im obviously unashamed of anything or anyone Ive done, and I fought hard for whores like myself to have a proud face and strong voice in a global sex worker movement that has only gotten stronger and more diverse in the years since I moved on. People change into new identities, I say constant reinvention is healthy.  Certainly there were a few. known brands that I created, marketed and then also evolved from before I became a emblazoned “whore revolutionary.”  
One thing I prided myself on was my survivalist instincts and my hustle. I never ever saw it as a negative to make necessary money for my art, activism or basic needs to survive doing prostitution. This was, most people’s reasoning for getting involved in the work in the first place; so I aligned proudly with them every time I propositioned a guy for a paid date before he bad a chance to proposition me for a free date, especially if rent or some other need (like airfare to an activist event to fight for the cause) was immediate. I found my power in this modality because at that time I strongly identified within an oppressed womans worldview and my actions spoke loudly  and unapologetically from that place.  
As thegoddess, I dont operate from a survivalist mentality, primal instincts have been replaced by intuition and instead of living proudly in the hustle, I live in FLOW.  I no longer make quick and dirty opportunistic money, i wait patiently for right minded seekers of my services who are genuinely willing to adhere to my guidelines for safety screening and rates. I turn a lot of people who I used to attract off and I turn away many more who don’t fit my new business structure instead of adapting to a climate i felt i had no way to control. But, sometimes it gets challenging to be so patient and even though I may have moved on in life, I also know that if it came down to a true threat to a roof over my head or if I haven’t eaten for days, going back to being a survival sex worker would be nothing I would have to think too hard about doing, the difficult question is always,”Is NOW the time to start working from that place? What else is possible? How else could it work?” 

Donate to the Undocumented 💘 LOVEWORKER in TOKYO DREAM FUND!! 




Japanese Men-Stop Giving Me a Bad Impression part 3 (more Hiro Factor)

I came to Tokyo with an open heart and an open mind.  But in the 3 months that I’ve been here Japanese men have given me some pretty bad impressions.  Last night, Im walking around Shibuya without a bra because I hate wearing them and can only handle about 8 hours in them. i am reminded that i’m not allowed to do that in Japan. Showing your tattoos is a stretch enough but no bra as well is more than anyone around these parts has ever seen so boldly in public.   Hiro walks up to me as I am wandering around looking for my next adventure and asks if I want to have a drink. I’m happy when a Japanese person is so bold, and the last time this happened the guys who did this turned out to be NICE GUYS. Real HEROS. They helped me try to find a hotel when I got into town late at night and most of the places available did not accept women in their hotel and the others were way too expensive. We chatted and laughed and language exchanged, they shook my hand and bid me sayonara as I walked alone, completely unoffended and unmolested up the stairs to my love hotel room.  They were both Japanese men who just approached me on the street to converse about my tattoos.

The Shibuya HIRO is now walking quickly up this street and I’m asking him to walk slower and wait for me in Japanese.  When a dude doesnt stop and wait for me when we are supposed to be walking together is going to be my new indicator of the Hiro factor. I follow him up the stairs to one of these very popular private karaoke suites that you can rent by the hour all over Japan.  I hate singing karaoke recreationally but since I agreed to the drink I’d participate in it I supposed. He speaks no English so I was excited for the opportunity to try to learn more Japanese.  it didn’t take too long trying to get through the first Alicia Keys song I chose which I sounded badly singing that he led my hand to his erection, trying to feel me up, down and sideways and now i’m doing my sex worker defense skills which look like me trying to sing while grabbing his hand and making sure it stays away from anywhere I don’t want it, and of course that’s when he puts it on his dick. A REAL FUCKING HIRO.  Have we been in this room 10 minutes perhaps?  He lays back and rests his head on my thigh. I place my head on his forehead and gaze at him with loving, nurturing energy trying to calm him down, a failed Tantra Ninja attempt. He’s unable to control himself and starts to put his hands down his pants. I get up and and pull my phone out of the wall CONSENTO (the Japanese word for wall socket is consento but most Japanese Hiros dont really understand this concept of sexual consent as its totally screwed up in Japan worse than in America, just watch 10 min of Japanese porn or anime porn and you’ll see just how NO, STOP, DON’T!! mean YES! YES! YES! to anyone watching, mostly HIROS. So I dont want to confuse the guy by saying Stop or trying to negotiate the boundaries in any way. I tell him I’m leaving. he opens his arms and tells me to come sit down with him with a smile.  NOPE. LEAVING. i say. For a few seconds he is actually chasing me around the table in the tiny room. i open the door of the room and rapidly walk, in disgust disappearing quickly through the crowded sidewalk weaving up the footbridge and making quick turns through thick Shibuya crowds in case he decided to follow me even though I knew he wasn’t because he had to pay for the room.  I stop to lean over the rail of the footbridge and stare at the traffic and bright lights, crazy Shibuya streetlife.  I take several slow deep breaths of calm and slow myself down. I am more disappointed than traumatized when this happens now.  I pull my bra out of my bag and put all of its ridiculous uncomfortable binding straps and padding back on my always erect but not horny nipples.  Maybe this will buy me some peace so I can pass out on the hour long train ride I have back to my suburban room.


Japanese Men-Stop Giving Me a Bad Impression part 2 (THE HIRO FACTOR)


I came to Tokyo with an open heart and an open mind.  But in the 3 months that I’ve been here Japanese men have given me some pretty bad impressions.

Im on okcupid and Tinder in Tokyo…i’m not interested in you if you have been in Japan for over a year (and there are MANY GAIJIN WHO ARE LIKE THIS) and can’t speak any Japanese. But I also can’t communicate fully with anyone who can’t speak any English at all because I only have a 50% literacy.  I can get through most any situation and simple conversation but dating requires depth of language which I dont have yet.  And then there’s the Japanese man (HIRO) factor that I seem to be dealing with which has colored my dating experience.  Overall it seems to me, the people I’m attracted to are not attracted to me and everyone else is humping my leg, seriously offending or just plain ignoring me.  And so I wait patiently because I’m never in NEED of too much anymore after spending almost all of the last year in CONSCIOUS ABSTINENCE…I’d rather have GREAT SEX or nothing at all.  On okc I spot someone who is Japanese and cute but also speaks English.  He has some “I seem like a nice fun friendly guy” pictures with dogs and nature in them. Im looking to learn Japanese culture and language through dating so I message him about his kickboxing photos. I have been wanting to punch and kick workout with someone for YEARS but you wouldn’t believe how many rejections I get trying to organize a park sparring workout.  It seems that no one wants to take it outside of the training center.  This was even the case in LA, so when I see his photos holding pads for someone I am quick to message and ask if we can get together and spar sometime. The first thing he asks me is “Are you a man or a lady? Sorry to be rude.”  This is the 2nd time a Japanese male has asked me that, the first was from my current house manager before meeting to show me the room, who is also an asshole but in a different way. I thought the name Mariko was a female indicator (ko is almost always for girls names) but apparently it isn’t for these guys. i am amused when men recognize the masculine in me because I think of that as a compliment because its not visible.  It means energy speaks. i identify as genderqueer sometimes to the right crowd because as a Tantra practitioner it’s common to answer:: I am both as it is believed we are, but beyond that, I do drag king at times and I acknowledge my repressed male side. I’m not transgender.  No desire to change anything. i am as I am and that is both male and female energy within a dominant femme form.  

His next messages QUICKLY progress to CAN WE HAVE TANTRIC SEX? Are you a sex expert? What position are we going to FUCK IN? And this is in response to my totally non sexual casual messages about kickboxing and coming to Japan and other non sexual friendly things that you commonly ask on internet dating messages..

I respond to his questions about Tantra with the standard authentic goddess responses…eloquence and science about the energy exchange and what I do and how I teach it.  But HIRO, (ill call them all HIRO from now on, as a mockery of the English word HERO) is UNABLE TO digest my answers and keeps responding with his vulgarities.

.. After the last message that asked what position we were going to FUCK IN, i responded with “Charming Approach.  Hope that works for you. Good Luck.” and then he responds. “Well, I’m just keeping it real.” And then I shake my head and say,”Yes you are. Our realities are different.” I’d stopped trying to speak Japanese as soon as things turned disgusting because I can only express my boundaries and true feelings well in English.  Soon, ill be able to tell a HIRO off and lash him with 2 tongues of a samurai warrior but for now, only English. 


Japanese Men-Stop Giving Me a Bad Impression part 1

I came to Tokyo with an open heart and an open mind.  But in the 3 months that I’ve been here Japanese men have given me some pretty bad impressions. The first impression I got was when a drunken salary man vomited on the train floor and his chunks splashed on my barefoot inside my open toed shoe. Lovely welcome to Japan!  

I invoked compassion instead of anger because these guys work long hours and drink to mask their loneliness. I felt sorry for them because I’d already seen so many suit and tied young and drunk men sitting or laying on the floor of the train stations. If they had cars like we do in the U.S these guys would likely cause many DUI deaths.  The second cultural exchange I got was from a host who I thought was so gracious to offer his extra bedroom that he usually rents out on airbnb for free to me as a couchsurfer.  Our cultural conflict began when he asked if when entering and leaving his apartment,  I cover my tattoos. I obliged even though June in Japan was well over 80 degrees Fahrenheit. I hadn’t invested in the Japanese arm cover fashion that many women there. Then he suggested i should take a bath before I go to bed, which might be reasonable if I had been outside somewhere but basically Id gone from my previous hostel, to his car to his place and had to put my boundaries up around my personal hygiene as it didn’t really impact him, especially since we wouldn’t be sharing a room. or perhaps he hoped otherwise.  Such a silly man.  He tried so many numerous times and ways to get me to be intimate with him. All in non threatening “nice guy” ways couched in couchsurfing and Japanese hospitality vaguely covering ulterior motives and hopes based on some article he read about couchsurfing being the best new hookup app known to the writer of the article. He justified his actions with reasons like “No Japanese woman walks around with no bra in front of a man like that.” of which I was quick to let him know I really wasn’t Japanese like that. Growing up in America makes a WORLD of difference, however even in America my nipples can be controversial. If it were MY APARTMENT I wouldn’t even be wearing a shirt. And I’d be the house mistress with the power but even still this has caused many an airbnb roommate of mine confusion around how easy it must be to get in my vagina, which they’d soon find out was pretty darn difficult if I didn’t like you. And also IMPOSSIBLE if we shared a roof. This has been my policy since I fucked a housemate and caught feelings for him when I was about 29. I learned the lesson the hardest way and was asked to leave the house. I moved into my own apartment, and made a promise to myself to NEVER MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE of putting myself in a position to be fucked and ejected from a home AGAIN.  Me and couchsurfing host even talked it out for about 2 or 3 hrs into the late night hours. i felt like we had come to a resolution and hugged him. My mistake. He thought that hug was an invitation to fuck. He knocked on my door again and said if I came to his room it would be great. I was introduced to the RELENTLESS PERSISTENCE of (some) JAPANESE MEN.  A couple of months later I watched a Japanese porn and I saw nothing but No means Yes scenes which, as accurate to life as we know porn isnt, it still offers SOME cultural information and truths.  The AV (adult video, what they call porn in Japan) actress was steady saying No! stop! Don’t! Too big! I’m scared! I can’t!  all while grimacing and making faces of resistance but whose physical body was squirting and cumming. Through those examples I read that IF there was truth to that in how Japanese women are in sexual behavior, it WOULD understandably create confusion in sex and dating as well as require a man to be persistent as hell and require him to ignore any verbal nonconsent and do the opposite in order to get laid.  And feminists in the U.S think WE have a rape culture problem. 

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