Archive Page 2


Wishing for a Superstar Cow Herder…

Tanabata_JapanSuiteThis is the traditional Japanese summer tale called Tanabata  that I first paid attention to my first summer in Japan 2016.  It’s age old, originally from China and adapted into Japanese tradition which can even be seen pictured in Hokusai’s Ukiyoe prints.  I remember making a slip of paper in a nearby shopping mall in Kyoto that July:

“I wish to manifest the future co-creator of the family I wish to build, my mirror nisei nihonjin (this is back when I thought I was nisei, I’m actually hafu not nisei), artist; Bushido Code: Honor, loyalty, courage, integrity, sincerity, politeness and self control.”

36786313_2065384913490019_6171921936256335872_oThe same wish to manifest the future co-creator of the family I wish to build has been a personal mantra that I have chanted for at least 3 years or more intermittently through sex magic and prayer.  It’s not happened yet. Not even close. 3 years ago my ex boyfriend told me,”I’m sure someday you’ll make a great mother.” and in his own way he was trying to be supportive with his words but they were in effect telling me that our relationship was probably soon to expire, definitely before anything like pregnancy between us ever occurred, and that he wasn’t going to be the father.  I remember those words making me cry at the time. It’s just not what your monogamish current girlfriend wants to hear from her twin flame. My twin flame was not meant to be with me for long, he was just meant to reflect all my weaknesses, be like a broken mirror that would turn into the glass shards to cut me so deep and wide that I’d bleed all over myself, and reform into a new being.  That’s what twin flames do, didn’t you know? It’s not meant to be soul mate love, it’s something like the dark knight of the soul in the form of a relationship. I’ve had many of those already though, so that’s why being single for 3 years is bad but it’s not the worst thing, being in a terrible nightmarish relationship is worse. I didn’t write the Bushido code of honor, I found those words on the internet, but the self control part seemed to ring a bell in me.  No addictions, no out of control tempers, no abusers. Been there, done that. This year, since my birthday one of my wishes has been to bring more art into my life, so I embarked on an art project to create a Tanabata Wishing Tree with an accompanying photoshoot. This is pretty ambitious for me since, in the last six months most of my time and energy goes to teaching English full time for my low income and making art and music have had less than a backseat role in my life of late.  I posted an ad on Facebook for a collaborating photographer and I found one. I shopped for things to make the tree and accessories to suit up as Orihime the Star Princess in my newest concept. The photographer backed out of our original Saturday date (July 7th, actual Tanabata observed) and I coaxed him back to do the shoot by nightfall Sunday. Wow. Thank Goddess. I needed this. Art and music are spiritual food for me and my reserves are pretty empty lately and I haven’t done an asianprincessartifacts project in possibly 2 years or more.  

_DSF1704My 短冊 tanzaku (written wishes for the tree) were very specific this year: A greeting kiss in front of the train station.  To sleep in the same bed until the morning, no not just the nanpa morning, every morning with my beloved. Every morning. These two things for 85% of Japanese already take me out of their potential partner list.  I’m not even kidding. 85% of Japanese people will not want to kiss you in public, and certainly not in front of the train station on a regular basis. Most of them also will not want to share a bed with you beyond sex and procreation, and will eventually move to their own room.  These are certainly things that I took for granted in the U.S, as well as the physical attractiveness factor that I held for the more than 50% of heterosexual men that looked at me. I have moved to a country where everything I knew has been turned upside down and/or needs to be thrown out. It’s very rare someone is going to ask you on a date in person or compliment you, carry your bag for you or hold open a door.  This is Japan for women. 

New rules with new players.  Or, old rules new players.   Nothing is as Universal as I thought, especially in the land of densely packed separation. But still i wish upon the star tree I made because miracles brought me here, helped me flourish here and this is how I know I will end up getting everything I want.


Have you experienced being illiterate?

36383484_10214366791796878_180251586910486528_oI just took my first standardized test for the first time in 14 years.  I don’t do well on these types of things. I got a 1040 on my SAT out of high school and that is incredibly low for someone who is a self identified nerd and now has a Masters of Education from UCLA.  Getting a Masters, I was not required to enter any standardized test scores. I took the GRE but to this day, I don’t know what my score was, the notification came back and I couldn’t understand how to score myself.  I didn’t need the score anyway so I didn’t bother trying to figure it out. I have studied Japanese for at least 1-2 hours everyday for the last two years and I have been studying the format for this test for about six months since I registered and paid for it.  I use the test as a way to measure myself against what is required to work using Japanese in a professional environment. It’s actually a useful standard I think. No employer will ask for proof, the proof is in you and it becomes apparent. I’ve written business emails applying for jobs, I’ve done some low paid work making phone calls for American tourism companies to practice my weakness of phone calls.  I’ve gotten over the fear because I had to. Surviving as an immigrant whose native language is not much spoken in the country is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. Everything before this has prepared me for this hardship but it doesn’t make it easier. I got lost looking for the college campus that the test was being held at, I had 8 minutes to spare before the doors closed and I was running there in 90 degree Japan summer sun and I was dripping with sweat and had actually peed in my pants out of anxiety even though I had just gone to the toilet at the train station right before that.  (I have had stress incontinence for a decade or more). Directions, map orientations and being on time are also not my forte. I arrived in time with just 5 minutes to spare and sat in my chair like a college student in a classroom, a familiar feeling (academia) waiting for my heartbeat and body temperature to match the sixty other foreigners taking the test in Tokyo in that level that day.




I have worked so incredibly hard on becoming fluent in Japanese.  I first started this journey at the age of 12, continued in high school and one year in undergraduate and then since moving to Japan, the last two years have been a daily exercise in humility and reconstructing a torn down ego.  I watched the TED Talks on language learning and got falsely inflated like most people do about language learning. It does not take 6 months to become fluent. You can SPEAK a language in 6 months, I came to Japan speaking Japanese on a basic level, and had been since the age of 12.  Fluency, competent literacy at an educated adult level is a whole different thing.



My Japanese literacy is at the 2nd grade level.  It takes me hours to read and understand websites for things I need like getting a package redelivered or reprogramming my password for my banking website.  I use ( and love) a social media app called Hello Talk to write sentences and they come back corrected 100% of the time with incorrect grammar or totally not understood by the Japanese community on that app.  If you have read an email or anything from someone trying to write in your native language and you shake your head at how terrible it is, that is me in Japanese trying to write normal sentences above the basic level.   Reading a menu is easy for me, but that is just one small aspect of adult functioning in society. When I think about how hard I thought grad school teaching was, my weekly trials are about 5 times that difficulty. AND I do not have daily bong hits to make it easier.  I can drink wine but alcohol doesn’t do the same thing for me, it makes me unwind a bit, and then it makes me sleepy. Getting drunk is nothing near as satisfying and mind and ego soothing as marijuana. I don’t want to live in Japan forever, one of the main reasons is marijuana prohibition.  My life is better stoned. I have thoroughly tested this out. My goal is to attain fluency and then use my fluency outside of Japan.


I struggled through my graduate degree which was simultaneous first year teaching in a rough LA low income high school.  I was just thirty years old but mentally and emotionally immature I think in retrospect. I was the oldest teacher in my cohort but I could barely handle the pressure of being thrown to the wolves everyday.  There were a lot of crying fits and smoking weed to cope through these years. I could literally not wait to graduate so that I could give up trying to be something I knew that I wasn’t. The difference with me in Japan, is that I am struggling to become something that I know that I am.  People think they are helping you by speaking English to you, but they are actually basing your incompetence in Japanese on how you look and it really ends up pissing me off when it happens. It means that you have failed for the day. You’re not Japanese enough, go to the end of the line.  WHEN I attain fluency my income will double and I will have the ability to go back to my freelance life with more freedom than I have now as an English teacher. I DO get to use Japanese while teaching English however, so that part is satisfying. The level that I do have in Japanese helps my students in explanation and some of my students cannot speak English at all.  I’ve even had a few clients that I communicate with entirely in Japanese. Even that my Japanese isn’t at fluency level, I know for a fact it has helped students feel at ease and that I have been able to communicate and resolve issues both in my job as a teacher and in real world Japan. But every time they start miming to you silently because you obviously don’t speak Japanese it hurts because you know that you have studied more hours in that week than they even bother to realize, every time you leave a lecture understanding 50% of what was said and your brain feels burnt to a crisp from just 50% it hurts.  I dream of the day when these stresses will be part of my past. This day will come. I will not go home to my comfort zone until this day comes.



Here comes the wetness!

…the rainy wetness and then the sweaty wetness that is.  June means Japan’s tsuyu or rainy season is upon us.  It’s just starting to get hot as summer but nearly as hot as it will be in the next 3 months of summer.  Every other day it rains continuously all day and then the next day it is bright and sunny, even blazingly hot, about 82/32 degrees  in the sun, which already is hotter than the average Los Angeles day.  We have humidity in Japan, which makes the hot months here super hot.  I have maggots that like to grow in my garbage in the heat, so I have to clean out my garbage and recycling of the vermin every other week in the summer.  It’s disgusting but, in LA, I had mice and cockroaches, so different places, different critters.  They also have these microscopic mites that live in the futons and bite you while sleeping, kind of like bed bugs but smaller.  At least bed bugs you can see and kill.  Dani, you can’t kill with your fingers.  I spent my birthday making half naked videos for social media (Yay, I did art! This was the goal: check) on a psychedelic spiritual reflective journey, rolling around on the floor of my apartment mostly blissfully.  I fundraised for a nice Thai dinner and a massage, and even though I wasn’t expecting anyone to paypal at all, I got what I asked for and more.  This was actually a nice surprise.  I think living in Tokyo, I’ve gotten used to setting my expectations to low or zero when it comes to people, just because of the results that I’ve been getting socially here.  My moods are pretty happy and well.  My health is good.  I like my job teaching English, I have gained a ton of new teaching skills that I didn’t have teaching in the U.S, skills that I feel are more valuable and applicable to teaching English as a Foreign Language to students anywhere in the world.  Of course, I want to continue focusing on Japan.  I’ve decided a few things which have helped me get excited for the future.  I’ve decided to move from Tokyo in January after the lease on this apartment is up and try another part of Japan.  I know that my time in Japan is not forever, and I definitely feel like I’ve done all that I can do in Tokyo, or, I’ve received all that it is willing to give me without spending ten years of my life here.  I want to move to a place that is surrounded by nature.  The blue of the sea or the green of the Japanese forest that instantly refreshes me just to lay my eyes on it.  The trees are greener in Japan than anywhere I have been in the world.  I tried to apply and got interviews at two sex work jobs: one was a sugar dating agency and another was with a stripclub in Roppongi.  I was quite surprised that I even got as far as an interview with either of them, because I had been trying for a solid 2 years here and there to supplement my income with some occasional sex work but to no avail.  I started to accept that I wasn’t the right aesthetic for Japan about six months into my residency here.  I switched focus to gaining fluency, and in July 1 I will take my first Japanese Proficiency Exam Level 4 which I have been studying quite a lot since January in addition to studying the language and diving head first into various challenges, including doing these two recent interviews in mostly Japanese, revealing my tattoos, my age and my body size, which being about 145 lbs is probably considered elephant obese I’m convinced.  I’ve definitely seen women who were bigger than me, but Japan focuses hard on illusion.  I don’t hate Japan.  I am learning so much about myself, this language and this culture, but, like I said, I know that it is temporary.  I am not a conformist, so this culture and I will never be happily married.  I stopped seeing the hafu Brazilian guy.  I trailed off slowly and stopped initiating communication but he’d still pop up here and there every week just in texts.  He had no ideas for dates or ways to make me happy so it just became futile.  The last straw was when he called me on my birthday and didn’t know it.  I told him it was my birthday, he said, Mine was last week.  Happy Birthday.  I said.  “What did you do?”  “Nothing.” he said,” And You?”  He sent me a Happy Bday gif but didn’t really have an offer to see me or get together.  I waited 24 hours for it to organically form out of him (i.e And you?  Are you busy tonite/tomorrow/this weekend?) but then in the morning when I didn’t get it, I got finally annoyed, told him off and blocked him.  Oh, I know, women expect you to be mind readers, blah blah blah.  Maybe it’s a case of that, but I guess I need to be paired with someone who doesn’t need to be a mind reader, but someone who has some creative coupling ideas when it comes to being close.  Every time he would text, I’d just feel annoyed, my interest had waned.  every date we had ever been on was my planning and idea, except for maybe the first one which was just dinner and sex.   And yes twice a month sex and cuddling is nice, but it just ran its course, and I’m just not one to stay in something just because I might not have anything else.  While it’s true, I might be UNconsciously celibate (I’m a Japan INCEL!) for another six months here in Tokyo, I’d rather do that actually than be with him.  Clearly I did because I ended it with no pain.  I knew I could do better when during Japan’s national week of holidays all he could offer me was one night, which was the usual time we could spend together every two weeks.  He was busy all of the other days.  So I finally just went on a mini vacation out of Tokyo alone instead.  I wasn’t going to miss my one chance to leave town just to spend it in the usual way with someone with no ideas.  No way.  I never get to leave Tokyo because of my job and I truly think that going away to a beautiful picturesque blue sea and white beach for a solid 3 days, soaking in onsen and talking with friendly people convinced me of the plan to exit the urban jungle was neccesary.  I want to spend my next couple of years immersing in fluency somewhere else to fully round out my Japan living experience.  Then, after fluency, I will be able to return every year as a translator but not have to be bound by the rigid rules of the society here.  There is Quora question about why foreigners leave after 5 years, and I’m wondering if I should answer it.  I’ve always known that I wasn’t going to live in Japan forever.  Even if I managed to find a partner and get pregnant, I wasn’t going to settle down forever in this country.  Thus, marrying a hafu person was and is ideal for me.  I am definitely starting to wonder about this aspect of my life.  But, whenever I start to compare my current life to the life I idealized I “should be having at my age” is when I can start to get really really sad and depressed and everything becomes bleak, which I just don’t want to do, so I don’t.  I”m happy, things are comfortable.  I could have kept this mediocre lover of mine, but I decided not to.  Ho hum.  What’s next?


42 reasons to be grateful


2016: I arrived in Japan with these bags and my guitar, $600 in my bank account and no plan or visa.

Re-Cultural Appropriation.  I call my performance this because I’m kind of a Japanese American appropriation of both cultures.  But because you don’t know one of the cultures as well as I do, you might not understand the irony. There’s no tipping in Japan, women aren’t bad ass or assertive in the same way here, American sexy just isn’t compatible with this society’s mindset.  But then, does American sexy even work for America either?

33965481_10214156242893287_5788080597343666176_nFundraising for an oil body rub and a nice gourmet dinner with some sake. Paypal works in Japan! I’ll keep making videos til you tip me! I’m doing this alll day. 笑う。LOL. The last time I did this it was self revolutionary. #42 I’m grateful I know how to care for me. #41 I cleaned my floors today, I’m thankful for my lovely apartment. It’s unbelievable that I have an apartment in Tokyo alone that’s decent. #40 grateful for 日本語の現在レバルは一満足です。ほっこりに思う私は。I speak Japanese better and better every day. Closer to fluency…committed to it…it should take 2 more years. Maybe 1. #39 i can still read letters close without reading glasses. That over 40 eye thing has happened to me yet. #38 the best asthma medication for $50/month. #37 勇気がある。自身がある。I a an artist i need to remind myself of this today. Too much normal fucking crushing my spirit. #36 I can fundraise for my birthday by stripping and making videos!  People watch my social media. I kinda was feeling like no one ever paid attention so I stopped for months. #35 I don’t need to be with anyone, I choose only those that bring fruit and wine to the table. #34 I’m glad I powered through graduate school, because it really makes this Japan chapter of my life seem easier. #33 I”m grateful I’m finally learning so much about Japan and Japanese people. #32 I’m grateful I can still do 20 regular pushups, 50 situps and run for one hour. #31 I get paid to write #30 I am a skilled teacher with ESL Japan and phonics skills. (way more valuable than teaching high school). #29 i have a bicycle and I ride it all over Tokyo. #28 My mom speaks Japanese to me after 40 years of trying. #27 I am an incredibly creative person #26 I can still do a cartwheel #25 My best friend Carol Leigh #24 My chosen daughters Patsy and Lupe #23 my spirituality and Tantra knowledge  #22 17 years of sex work/human sexuality experience #21 ive take martial arts and can defend myself #20 i am able to pay my rent and have steady income and teaching clients. #19 I can cook more Japanese food. #18 i can sing and play guitar #17 i’ve travelled all over Japan and so many countries. #16 i am planning for future with fluency of Japanese #15 I can get into most sento and onsen in Japan with tattoos. #14 i have photography and video skills #13 My parents are still alive. #12 I can write music and paint #11 5 nieces and nephews #10 I am fearless most of the time #9 i can meditate silently for hours in a day (10 days in a row even!) #8 I do not need physical sex or to get laid (i only want it if it is right) #7 i am healthy #6 i can jump rope for 3 minutes non stop #5 nature and the beautiful trees and ocean and mountains #4 art, amazing singers, inspirations #3 sexual energy, creation  #2 Love, loving people, shamelessly wanting to love and be love and give love. #1 that I didn’t self destruct the many reckless times I could have aborted this existence. #0 that I actually make money on niteflirt not doing standard phone sex every month.



Gemini Reflections

Writing this blog 260 kilometers from Tokyo where I live with my shirt off, relaxing at the home of one of the few people in Japan that I consider one of my true friends, I am trying to be say something good.  I do feel good today, and it’s mostly because I’m actually on a consecutive break for 4 days, the first long stretch of holidays since Winter. I’m still teaching my ass off for less than living in Tokyo wages, however this month I managed to score the ONE CLIENT that is necessary to bring me over scraping by so I could actually get the fuck out of the rat race Shibuya crossing and smell the ocean.  Last year, this time exactly I got to see Okinawa for the first time. I was a freelancer and not a teacher at that time and so my outlook was still optimistic. For the last few months I haven’t touched my guitar, I’ve barely sung a song and the realization of how little the creation of art is in my life has depressed me more and more as I am in the dawn of turning 42 at the end of this month. The thing that strikes me the most about being 42 is that basically two main things: I don’t care to argue with people and I am NOT in a cycle of trauma recovery.  This is probably the two phenomenal differences between how I was at 32 and how I am now at 42. If people strongly disagree, I think wow, thanks for your insight, we disagree.   I think about what they feel away from them and we either continue our conversation another day, or we don’t. I’ve lately not been posting on social media much because I am just not outputting for some reason, probably lack of interaction with others on “social” media.    I am not playing or making music. It seems like all I have time to do is work and study Japanese. Every activity seems to revolve around those two things. I do have an interesting English student who is a signed singer in Tokyo.  She is young and typical J-pop beauty who doesn’t speak English at all.  I obviously speak Japanese well enough to have her as a client, which I don’t think I could have done last year.  She’s not interested in speaking the language well,  I am coaching her on how to pronounce the words in The Carpenters “Top of the World” Beyond this, I am also coaching her in emanating Karen Carpenter’s vocal licks and hitting the notes that I hear in the song. So, I am also vocal coaching which feels really good. I am singing a little. But it’s mostly her doing the singing of course. The job is interesting though, and I’d love to be doing more of this kind of thing in Japan.  I don’t hate teaching English in Japan, I like most of my clients and classes a lot, I just hate that I can’t make a decent living doing this in exchange for sacrificing my freedom and purpose.  Is this my real purpose?

There is a back up singing project that someone has asked me to help out, but for the life of me I can’t seem to find the motivation for it.  I can’t even pick up my own guitar, I have a new CD player and I could practice some of these karaoke CDs just to start singing and I haven’t. I’m just writing about not doing it, but still not taking actions to change it. I hope the change comes soon because my life without art and music is just not a life worth living. I really want to move out of Tokyo when my lease is up. I have acquired a few things, a washing machine, a refrigerator, a table and some chairs are my only possessions. Nothing compared to what I had in LA. I want to live in a place that is outside of the city. A country town surrounded by nature and nice people. This is where I want to study Japanese to fluency. I moved to Tokyo because I thought it would be a great place to explore arts and music and the creative spirit but the opposite has happened.  It has successfully crushed my spirit. I thought I could just drop in and out of The Matrix like Trinity but just 6 months of the regular job grind has somehow convinced me that I am stuck here. I’m just not happy when I am not free. I’m not living the life that I think I should be living and that’s like everyone else in the world my age. The bloody problem with me is that I am aware that there is a better way and I don’t seem to believe or have the same energy I once did a year ago to manifest my path to bring about the results that I need. When i ask my inner self what I am supposed to do next it tells me two things: I am not ready to have a child and I am not ready to leave Japan. I can barely feed myself well and I don’t have a prospective partner is the same story that I’ve been running for decades unfortunately. The idea of being a single parent would just triple the struggle and not be great for the kid so I am giving up for now.  My motivation to study Japanese so much comes with struggling to understand people’s conversation and from the fulfillment I will get when I am finally fluent. It comes with the determination to get something tangible from the experience of living in Japan which I feel like I have given up so much for. I am not feeling fulfillment now and this is because my original plan to be a self employed freelancer has been crushed by the rush hour train population and the daily Tokyo grind, hopes and dreams of being able to express myself fully crushed by other people as they try to get to work everyday. I want to have a Japanese speaking job outside of Japan, working with people who have escaped this rat race. I have a photo of Hawaii on my wall where I think I will move in 2 years. This is where I will recharge my soul after it has endured this project of fully understanding self in a new way. Even though my spirit feels so devoid lately, I know that I am on a grand spiritual journey where my ego is being destroyed like it has never felt and beyond the words that I can even write in blogs, that I will probably only fully understand at 52.  .


i don’t love you, let’s make a baby

i don’t love you, let’s make a baby

IMG_79321 month until you turn 42 feels like remembering when you were a little girl and giving your dad a handwritten card for his 42nd birthday.  He seemed so old to me then. But really both of my parents were in the prime of their lives. The 40s is still young I realized. No one ever guesses how old I am and it has to do with the fact that I don’t have children I reason.  Kids make you age no matter if you have one at 16 or 46. I’ve been thinking about the baby factor lately because I have to. I have always sworn that I would parent. It was something that I always knew. I would be a mother. And yet, here I am dawning on 42 and I have 1 prospect for a potential family.  But I had a dream that I would create a child out of love, not out of the need to have a baby before I die. I had a dream that I would move to Japan someday and I did. But once I settled down into this dream, I woke up after some time and it is now less lucid and euphoric than it is one of these difficult things that I put myself through to try to make my life more rich and full like graduate school.  Having a child is one of those things I long ago decided. I want to have a bilingual child because I wasn’t one. I want a mini me and a family full of all of the closeness that my own biological one failed to provide. Are these the wrong reasons or are the same selfish reasons that everyone else in the world procreates for? These reasons  were more present in my 30’s, I pushed my best friend to potentially be the gay father of my child but luckily I only pushed him away for a few years as a result of driving this plan nearly to the edge of a cliff he didn’t want to accompany me down.  We made a co-parenting pact in our 20’s, and when I tried to cash in that promise to reality we realized it wasn’t going to be the best idea.  I learned that pushing and forcing was not the way to create life not already growing inside you and ready to come out the womb. Pushing and forcing a zygote into existence usually doesn’t work, and being that we were a non hetero couple it simply wasn’t going to happen without mutual agreement and lots of effort and planning.  There were going to be no unprotected accidents between us.  I felt that at least we loved each other and had a deep long term relationship that would sustain the frail temporarality of romantic illusions. Of course if I was in the throes of the love drug endorphins it would be much easier to make bad decisions and not care in the moment of it all.   This is how half of the human population is made right? It’s not hard for me to imagine living and dying the rest of my life childless and single because the majority of my life has already been that way and it’s not been that bad. It is hard to imagine that I am actually running out of time since I’ve spent my whole life thinking about this deadline. They say the Universe knows what you want and gives you not what you want but what you need. I decided after this failed attempt with my bff as the father that I would just let things naturally unfold as they did. No force, only flow. The aforementioned 1 potential future baby plan co-signatory is someone I’ve been hanging out with intimately for just a couple months in Tokyo.  He could father our bilingual and perhaps even trilingual child, as he speaks 3 languages. He’s also half Japanese, but we aren’t in love. There are a lot of things that are not ideal about him (He is not proud of being Japanese, he drinks 2 liters of Coca Cola in one night, he smokes a lot of cigarettes and doesn’t exercise.  He isn’t spiritual.  In other words, he is not my mirror).  I feel myself looking at a situation like I would look at the text on a sperm donor description. His humanity becomes a checklist. I don’t even know him well enough to even know if this is a good idea, but I am wise enough to know exactly what it isn’t and that I would be buying a lifetime contract to amicable single parenthood where the child’s  parents would live in different countries. We don’t see each other often, but he is all that the Universe has unveiled in my path. I always hoped it would be different. Because all little girls do want to be in love and make a baby from this fairy tale place writhing in sweat and ecstasy and Tantric union. This is what I imagined in my sex magic manifestations.  But what to do if that’s just not in the hand that we have to play with, we’ve only got a bunch of pairs and nothing royal. At 42 I truly feel like everything that I ever wanted to do in my lifetime needs to be decided right now.  There’s no waiting too long. I have perhaps 1 more year or so before the clock just expires, the train leaves the station forever.  But this union doesn’t feel like the one to create a future from.  I’m not motivated to even ask him even though it has of course been on my brain and we do have unprotected sex, but he doesn’t ejaculate in me.  I’m not going to be these women in India who are 70 and mothering an infant. I’m not freezing eggs or paying any money that I don’t have to make something that will cost money to happen. That’s as stupid as taking out a loan to go to college was.  I have a friend who worked extremely hard on making her baby as a single mother from a donor from India at 42 and it finally miraculously happened; her child is beautiful, but I can’t imagine replicating that.  I’m not that driven to be a single parent.  My desire comes from wanting to NOT raise a child in the same situation I grew up in, not to replicate the struggles of my mother.   I’m in Japan working on my fluency intensely for the 2nd year consecutively (2 more years to go) and it feels like I’ve been at the same elementary level of non progress for the last year, even though I am sure that I am learning more and more every day. Fluency is part of my long term career that paves a path to work stability in ways that graduate school never did. From this comes the income to support a growing human and have a retirement plan. I have been reflecting a lot lately on how I no longer do any art or music and how I wanted so badly for that to be my career.  I visualized and chanted and sex magicked to bring into my reality the relationship that I already created in my mind….but this is what I got.   I’m grateful I have someone but it’s nothing like being in love. 

I fought so hard for decades to avoid being normal and now I live in Tokyo and I have the most normal non exciting teacher life just like I did at one time in LA.  I have a lover for the first time in nearly a year in Japan.  I’ve never been so unattractive to so many people and had so little prospects in one place in my life, so it’s at least nice to have someone to wake up with sometimes.  I’m not just with him because I don’t want to be alone.  There are other people I could have chosen for that even less than ideal position.  He is at least satisfying some desires and helping me with my fluency.  I want to say I could do better, but I obviously can’t or I would be right? He is good company, so we stay dating every two weeks.  There is no undying desire to really make a baby other than the fact that he seems to fit the description and have the chromosomes and I have the gnawing desire to appease time. And I feel like I am on my last rounds of chance…on my last songs at the dance….The film Collateral Beauty spoke through a character “Sometimes kids don’t come from you, they come through you.” in regards to different ways that people can parent.  I think I can better imagine marrying someone who already had a child and adopting that child.  It just feels better to me to have help with this parenting project than trying to do everything required alone, when already taking care of my own self is a challenge at times.


Hanami Today, Gone Tomorrow…

20180325_112706_HDRAnother Hanami season has already blown into the wind to bring on the soon to come humidity and unbearable non stop summer heat of Japanese summer.  I wish spring could stay forever. I wish cherry blossoms would stay forever, but they are almost all gone. The pink feminine beauty brought me into a new euphoric state that I haven’t felt in a really long time.  I was really not that happy before this.  Each natural element has a different energetic power. Mountains are more masculine and I feel their hardness when I stand with open arms against them, embracing them and the sky in a big grateful hug. Flowers are feminine and pink happens to be my favorite color, and Cherry blossoms the well known symbol of Japanese beauty.  There is no where better in the world to see rows of pink blossoms along the rivers and ponds, in front of usually gray and dreary buildings and the endless lines of black suited businessmen and women everywhere. For about ten days, everyone in Japan is looking up and smiling endlessly as they greet the goddess of flowers and Springtime.  It is the first time in months that visible happiness is seen and felt in the people around me. I remember being sick and depressed last year and having a similar reaction to the season, but this year was more magnificent. I appreciated every bloom and blossom and longer hour of sunlight to enjoy the trees. I thanked the trees as I walked under them at nighttime.  I visited a new spot where I hadn’t been before to view them and took lovely photos with my good camera.  It was true orgasmic ecosexuality all day and all night in Japan.  

In addition to the euphoria from the cherry blossoms, at the same time blossoming, I have called into my life a lover who is hafu Japanese like me, who speaks English and Japanese fluently and is willing to speak with me, make love to me and actually go on real dates with me. I found this person on craigslist looking for exactly this: a hafu Japanese speaking lover.  I called it into my life and before my ad got flagged and taken down (apparently you can’t search for a specific race of a person? I don’t know actually why the fuck it got flagged really other than people hating) I wound up in bed with a consistent person willing to share his native tongue with me. Ha ha. Actually his native language is Portuguese because he is half Brazilian. I am not in love, but it is much much much better than anything than I have ever had in Japan in the almost two years that I have been here so that in itself is really nice.  It’s kind of like giving a starving person a Ritz or Saltine cracker (see Eddie Murphy Raw standup) but better.  Relationships aren’t always going to bring you physical lust or an exact personality match but at this point in my life I make sure they are mutually beneficially and empowering.  We each help each other to be the best version of ourselves and they are fun and rewarding.  The thing about a craigslist ad is it is a brief paragraph and a few pictures, nothing like the okcupid profile that I have up that works well in other places aside from Japan.  My current lover is not spiritual, he doesn’t really know very much about the real me yet. He doesn’t really make too much time for me and we see each other about every other week so this is why I’m really able to keep it lightweight for now.   It works well and I am grateful to get to experience Japan with someone finally.  It’s the first time I’ve actually had someone wake up in my bed or hang out at my apartment where I live alone. I get to have screaming orgasms again which is A-MAZING and soo needed. He has a small dick, but that’s okay, the sex is still good.   His tongue works well, and even though I have to work hard to get him to remain speaking to me in Japanese with it because I’m not fluent yet, he does it and I love him more for it.  This is what makes me want to love him and hang around him more and have patience when he falls short because he is supporting me in my target language goal and also speaking one of my LOVE languages, which is being in service (see 5 LOVE LANGUAGES).   He might even be the opposite of me, which makes us a good couple.   His father is Japanese but he isn’t proud of being Japanese and he doesn’t even identify as such. He wants to identify with his Brazilian half more the way I want to identify with my Japanese half. This is an interesting contrast to me. He carries my heavy luggage down the stairs when I ask, so that alone is another refreshing change from the usual Japanese male passerbys that  usually don’t think to help at all.  We have made jokes about having a baby, which is not really a joke as my 42nd birthday draws near,  I need to seriously consider how to make my procreation of a bilingual baby come true. “If I get pregnant, I’ll be really happy.” I tell him frankly and he doesn’t protest, but we also aren’t using condoms when we fuck. I know this can be problematic, but I’m throwing a 1970s attitude to the situation because times a running out!  I’m not trying to get pregnant and I’m not not trying.  (But then there’s the STD thing, I know). Also we haven’t done a safer sex elevator talk which I just haven’t done in Japan with any of the lovers I’ve had either.  The country has made me into a quieter person, nothing like the woman I was when I left. I need to tell him I have herpes and I need to go get tested with him too.  Wouldn’t want our baby to have HIV afterall!  


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December 2018
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