Archive Page 2


Omegas, Betas and Herbivores: problems of dating Japanese Men

This series was called “The Flower and Water” because I used to feel like a flower, sexual energetically speaking. In the previous chapter of my life (in America) I was the receiver of masculine energy: bees, birds, butterflies: praise, flirtation, smiling, greeting, small talk, dating, hitting on etc. I considered MEN to be my unofficial specialty having worked with them as clients for over 17 years.

In Japan, my current research in progress, taken largely from on the street interviews (youtube documentaries like Asian Boss), SNS websites with lots of useless idiotic banter (reddit and GaijinPot Forums) as well as editorial news sources.  It tells me that “61% of men in their 20’s and 70% of men in their 30’s in Japan are Beta males (known as herbivore men in Japan which is a slightly different take on the Alpha/Beta model) and that women over 25 are seen as useless because they cannot produce children or be useful housewives.  Aside from join them in the workforce, these women, are relegated to be used for sex or nothing at all for the men. In this society, however, sex is a distraction and takes no more priority over a man’s own family than the food that he eats (which because of his work schedule, sometimes he doesn’t eat much).  A lot of men in Japan can’t be bothered to spend their free time dating and would rather do things alone of more worth to them, such as play video games or rest from work.

In Japanese culture, upholding the group/company/nation is far more important than the individual’s needs, especially since the rebuilding period after the WW2.  The social group that one is a part of in Japan, is most often comprised of their co-workers who have to participate in obligatory drinking parties after an already long day at the office.   Sex and time with family are seen as individual needs that have been effectively socialized out of most men after the war created the rise of the workaholic ‘salary man’ as a replacement for the ruthless Imperial Army soldier.  This is the reason why, for the most part, I am invisible in Japan, and why many foreign women do not have much luck (but Alpha cis men often do) in Japan. I have never seen myself as an Alpha female, but in a country of Betas and herbivores who don’t care to look up at a beautiful woman because they are too busy eating grass, I realize how much I am.  

I might be proactive and confident, but I DO NOT want to do all the approaching and asking of men.  The Asian Boss episode also explains how typical this is in Japanese society I am honest, straightforward, affectionate in public and loyal. I am brimming with Tantric sexual energy (not DTF/One night stand/Nanpa kind of energy). Still, I remain a divine feminine flower blooming tall amongst a field of worker ants, the masculine mountains and the rising sun pollinates me because I can’t fit into the skinny jeans of most of the men here.  It all started with a few okcupid men and I exchanging messages about the situation of men in Japan. “You seem like an Alpha female type.” the guy said. I thought that an Alpha was a leader of a pride of lions, but humans actually don’t have the same clear cut and proven propensity to group like wild animals. Even the term “alpha male” has a bad rap in American culture. It seems to have the reputation of a egoistic guy who needs to be loud and take control of the room in a overt way in order to prove something.  Cultures, governments, racism, gender identity, war, drugs, dysfunctional families and so many other complex social factors that animals are not affected by create our social groupings and the way we pair bond. My experience in Japan as a participant observer leads me to really agree with the idea of the Beta male as a better explanation to “They’re all shy.” I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that and rolled my eyes. It strikes me as ridiculous each time a Japanese woman tells me this, so I’ve been searching for my own answers to the explanation of the lack of male attention that I get in Japan, because it seemed far to general and unintelligent of an explanation.   Although I’ve heard the herbivore theory before, in combination with the beta male theories, both popular culture science theories that seem to hold some truth, I am starting to not discount them as ridiculous. Herbivore, Betas and blood type personalities may not be “real science” that everyone believes, but it does hold truth for a lot of people in the culture and we can take historical facts (blood type theory), personal observation and environment into account and use them all to make our own deductions. Because, “They’re all shy” certainly isn’t offering me a better, more scientifically researched hypothesis by any means.


What Happened in Australia


Here’s me looking hella dykey.  It was a windy wintery day by the Opera House.  I came out in Sydney as a lesbian in 1997, then very soon after knew I was bisexual not gay.

So Australia did NOT work out at all as planned.  It’s the first time that my intuition led me so far astray.  Sure, it was a sudden decision to go but every single part of me was a HELL YES, so I pulled out all the stops to make this trip happen.  It ended up putting me further in debt when all I was trying to do was make my situation better by doing what I knew best to do when I needed to make money.  I spent money that I didn’t have to try to put myself in a position where I could do some sex work or Tantra sessions. I got to experience Sydney again so nothing about this trip was bad except that I was totally off base in letting my gut decide what my fate was going to be.  It was a great culture shock to be in Sydney again after being in Japan, the land of my youthful college art school days.  Being in any English speaking country after living in Japan everyday is always a shock to my bilingual brain.  I am used to having to think in 2 languages everyday so switching to 1 is a shock to the system!  Everything that I remembered was the same but evolved and gentrified. 21 years later is a long time and I definitely could not make my way around without a Google search. I left Japan to see if I could still get the attention of men.  The kinds of men that I was attracting on okcupid were Asiaphiles. One of the fuckboys that contacted me was sort of a godsend at first, as I was out of money already because I needed to make money in my first 2 nights in town to have for the rest of the week. That’s the old sex worker plan and yeah, it’s risky but it usually works. He ended up being a total asshole.  He was trying to lure me into his Asian girl harem but he wasn’t prepared for American Japanese me who wasn’t so impressed with his superficial gestures. He gave me housing for free when I really needed it, but he ended up kicking me out with my gigantic backpack on the street without even giving me money to get to the train station without me making a big deal about it.  I was living off of credit card so even taking the bus to the station was almost impossible with my 30 kg bag. He was poorly perhaps trying to set up some threesome situations but he was a terrible facilitator. I’m not even sure what he wanted, but whatever it was, I clearly did not do it for him. He wanted to be liked instantly for doing nothing. I’m not good at that. Japanese men kind of want that too.  Courtship seems to be dead to these guys, i’m not sure if it is because they never were taught its importance or they don’t care. I was chatting with one guy from okcupid who was openly looking for hookup sex but told me,”I’m not here to impress anyone.” well, you NEED TO BE to some degree, I’m sorry, this is a mating ritual. That’s how it goes for men AND women. In order to get to the point where you no longer have to impress someone, you have to be in a relationship with them FIRST.   And even in relationships, courtship rituals should continue to keep the connection feisty and hot. My next stop for housing was at a Facebook friends home in another area of Sydney that I lived in when I was in college. Memory Lane. These friends were actually the couple in this blog post earlier that I knew were trying to fuck me. Or, at least the husband was being pretty obvious about it. They were polyamorous and swingers and that kind of energy actually kind of intimidates me unless I’m in a safe space like a play party.  I haven’t done spontaneous threesomes with a couple since I was in my 20s. It turned out that the husband was out of town and the woman was nothing but super kind and there was NO THREESOME PRESSURE whatsoever! Woohoo. AND SHE HAD A BAG OF HOUSEWEED that she offered me! Oh my heaven. I was supplied with safe housing AND medicine. That’s really all I could even ask for. The last guy actually left my bags below the stairs with 5 dollars in the pocket. He treated me like garbage in the end. It was fucked up and I was really in need of a bowl of marijuana to mellow out after that.  She didn’t even smoke herself, she just had house weed. Amazing. I spent the next 2.5 days just touring around the local spots of Sydney and enjoying being high 3 days in row. I didn’t really need much money to do what I was doing just transportation and food money. I had small talk banter with cashiers and local people and that just refilled my soul from the empty mechanical robots that live and work beside you in Tokyo everyday never talking to you. What I was missing is NOT America, what I am missing are these elements of culture that Australia also has, and Japan does not. So, in the end, it was a totally great trip.  


Operation Upward Mobility Down Under

DSC_0024I don’t gamble at tables, I only gamble on myself.  Something in my heart told me to go for this. Again, i took a big risk with no one’s advice.  I just read a posting on a FB group from a woman who made a lot of money here and I just felt like I needed to go and try to do that.  My attempts to do sex work in Tokyo had failed. Around my birthday, I interviewed at a strip club and at an dating agency. Both interviews were entirely in Japanese and both people never called me back.  One month later, I’m reading my Facebook notices and this woman’s report about Sydney (she worked non stop 12 hours and it was great for her) working pops up and I couldn’t get it off my brain all day. I looked at airline tickets from Tokyo and one was only $600 with a twelve hour stopover in Fiji.  This sounded like a great adventure that I really needed to take. Something told me that it would be foolish to not to do it, as there was so much YES inside of me, so much desire to just knock away any doubts or scheduling conflicts with my classes and students in Japan.  If teaching English full time in Tokyo’s working hustle bustle was supposed to be a steady income, it really wasn’t. Getting paid $2500/month and being exhausted as shit doing so was never going to get me the things that I needed in the next year. I had not had a computer for nearly a year since my last near new Mac book Pro got stolen in LA last year.  My passport and laptop were stolen and I was again in the same feeling of broke down broke-ness except in LA, I had a sponsor who helped make sure that I didn’t starve while I was working out my situation. I borrowed money to go to Seattle where the promise of working at someone’s apartment where I could also stay for free was offered by another sex worker. It worked out fabulously.  I had enough money to get a replacement rush order passport and a one way ticket back home to Tokyo. It’s been a year since I’ve had a computer that could process digital images and video, my you tube channel has since ceased and other creative projects that I had had to be put on hold until I could settle back into some income in Japan. This settling into teaching with regularity at schools and with private students took months to get to a living wage.  In the meantime, the Backpage founder was arrested, pleaded guilty and the entire website was shut down. Things were going to change for sex workers all over the world. My clients in Japan were few and far between but they were high paid and high quality. In fact, my Tantra business was doing better than it had EVER done in LA in the first year that I landed in Japan. And then since my laptop was stolen it seems like things have been consistently hard. But this is supposed to be a steady real job.  In Seattle I was doing massage and Tantra clients, still in my identity and doing what I love, sharing energy with seekers. I was living off of a menial teaching income and it even took several months for it to even reach the $2500 per month mark that it is even at now. I’ve consistently tried differently things locally, like interviewing at various places mentioned above and working on my Tantra Tokyo Love website and Facebook page to try to attract local clients on my own. I just got fed up with not having a computer and just not havig enough one day and decided that I would try again to hustle.  So now I am in my Sydney, Australia hotel room that I booked for the purposes of seeing clients, but 2nd night into it there are no clients emailing or calling at all and I get the familiar feeling of financial ruin and loss of investment, and even worse the scariness of not being able to eat or be housed while away from home. Last night, I called two massage houses looking for work. One of the women had her standard talk where she coaxes the new workers in with promises of loads of cash, food, alcohol and then when I started to tell her the details like…I’m 42. Size 10. Asian.  American. (Sorry, love you’re not suitable). And that was it. I asked her why but she didn’t really say much except, I know what my clients want. I am on a tourist visa so it is really up to who wants to take a risk on me, but it still makes me feel old, fat, ugly and washed up. This familiar broke ho feeling. I did it to myself again. Chasing the empowerment. But what was I supposed to do? My regular job was barely paying the bills and I need to move apartments in January and I don’t have a way to do that right now. Mostly I want to get into doing my art again. Making music, editing videos and editing photos are actually my livelihood NOT TEACHING ENGLISH.   If you’d like to donate to this effort where I fundraise for a new used computer and actually get a computer to do your premiums, I’m giving away a finished piece of music and/or artwork. Donations by paypal to



Japanese Summer Mating Calls

The last week of July brings Japan’s hottest summer sun blazing down onto Tokyo.  The familiar mating calls of the cicada are singing loudly outside. “Mee Mee Mee Meeeeee”  It reminds me of Japanese summer when I was a child, I used to pick these giant fly looking insects right off the tree bark and put them in my hand.  They were gentle and calm. They didn’t fly away and their wings were soft just like the feathers of birds. It still amazes me that these gigantic insects don’t create any kind of adverse reaction in me.  They are peaceful, helpful and wonderful creatures that don’t harm, annoy or spread diseases, so they are likeable


to many humans. They spend 17 years sucking sap from trees under the earth and emerge to spend the last month of summer crying out for a mate throughout the days of August.  When the song stops, millions of bodies pile up on the ground, fertilizing the same trees and plants that they fed upon and the other millions of young cicadas waiting their turn to molt and fly away into adulthood in the next years. This is the cycle of nature running its course. I spied upon these lovers on the ground and pet the wings of one of them to see if they were alive or dead.  I think that they were dead because they were silent and did not move away from my poking but I still am not sure. Today, a man at the elevator in one of the offices I was teaching corporate lessons at said Hello to me. I was taken aback because I have pretty much become accustomed to being ignored by every man in Japan. He was the boss of one of my students, so I had met him several months ago but didn’t remember.

Apparently, this is the samurai way, one Japanese woman told me.    I rolled my eyes at that one. But maybe it was true. Free choice of marriage partners at that time did not exist, it was always arranged by a third party for the family’s sake, so of course, direct pursuit was not part of the warrior’s way, that and a lot of homosexuality existed in samurai culture that’s not talked about..  This was a better explanation than,”They’re shy.” I’ve outruled that one as an apologist excuse for Japanese culture shortcomings. The samurai of modern Japan has become the salary man overwork and undersexaholic, all while the relegation of sex into the underworld remains in the dark corners of happening bars and love hotels but never out in the open hallways or train cars.  The sound of the male cicada is almost louder than any other noise outside, because there are hundreds of them at any one time mate calling at once. I am reminded once again that I have no idea what the Japanese man’s mating call is. Everything that I have grown to understand as universal and natural has been thrown out the window. I am stumped, like a tree. I recently made eye contact with a Japanese guy on the train, he received this signal and it led to a one night stand at my place, upon which he promptly left in a hurry in the morning and ignored all my messages to try to hang out in the future.  Did he hit on me or did I hit on him, i’m pretty sure that I was the first one to look at him, but after my initial eyebrow greeting, I allowed him to naturally pursue me in the ways that I knew about from my upbringing in the U.S It was quick and silent, it happened on the train between 3 stops and was conceded in probably ten minutes. Nevertheless, I still don’t consider it successful because I was actually hoping for some kind of repeat dating relationship out of this since we actually had in common that we were performers! The ONLY reason this guy was successful at nanpa with me was because he offered to buy me a couple drinks at a local Izakaya to get to know me, something that his previous unsuccessful suitors didn’t have the common sense to even ask for.  I did it for the skin ship, because i wanted to sleep and cuddle all night, i don’t recall the sex part being anything interesting.. I did make him walk me 1.4 km home to buy more conversational time. Guys actually think they can kiss me within 10-30 minutes of meeting and hanging out or meeting for the first time. If he could drop his pants and mount me on the train and make it in time to get home without having to drop any money or effort at all he’d probably be really happy, oh wait, except they wouldn’t do that in public.  Alright, if he could mount me in a darkened alley outside of his home station without me ever complaining, he’d be happy.   If you agree to go on a date with a Japanese guy, he will indicate this is a date by holding your hand right from the get go. This is the only public display of affection that Japanese people feel comfortable with. Unfortunately for me, holding hands and kissing isn’t something I do with people unless I actually grow to like them, but I have found myself doing this in Japan because it is just the way things are done here.  When in Tokyo…do like Tokyo.


Speaking of mating calls and cicadas, the way that the Japanese men that I have had sex with could best be described doesn’t include a mating call but more of an indiscriminate mounting; similar to how dogs do when they smell a bitch.  There’s no mating call, just an expectation of immediate penetration with no foreplay whatsoever. A simple and straightforward one syllable question like “Kiss (チュー?” or “Sexエチ?” or a dropping of the pants and a reveal of their cocks as they stroke them for me have all been some of the unsuccessful attempts to bed me by Japanese men. One guy I actually left in the karaoke room with his pants down.  


Japanese men sometimes, hit on me (nanpa) while drunk wanting very primal one night stands late at night, but any other time there is nothing that indicates or lubricates a slow meeting of the minds or the bodies aside from the internet.  If I was a gay man, this type of nanpa would likely be a total win, if my ultimate goal was that quick casual fuck. But one night stands are actually not my goal here, although whatever new experiences I come across will also serve me in the time between my idealized relationship with the warrior who finally gives a shit.



Wishing for a Superstar Cow Herder…

Tanabata_JapanSuiteThis is the traditional Japanese summer tale called Tanabata  that I first paid attention to my first summer in Japan 2016.  It’s age old, originally from China and adapted into Japanese tradition which can even be seen pictured in Hokusai’s Ukiyoe prints.  I remember making a slip of paper in a nearby shopping mall in Kyoto that July:

“I wish to manifest the future co-creator of the family I wish to build, my mirror nisei nihonjin (this is back when I thought I was nisei, I’m actually hafu not nisei), artist; Bushido Code: Honor, loyalty, courage, integrity, sincerity, politeness and self control.”

36786313_2065384913490019_6171921936256335872_oThe same wish to manifest the future co-creator of the family I wish to build has been a personal mantra that I have chanted for at least 3 years or more intermittently through sex magic and prayer.  It’s not happened yet. Not even close. 3 years ago my ex boyfriend told me,”I’m sure someday you’ll make a great mother.” and in his own way he was trying to be supportive with his words but they were in effect telling me that our relationship was probably soon to expire, definitely before anything like pregnancy between us ever occurred, and that he wasn’t going to be the father.  I remember those words making me cry at the time. It’s just not what your monogamish current girlfriend wants to hear from her twin flame. My twin flame was not meant to be with me for long, he was just meant to reflect all my weaknesses, be like a broken mirror that would turn into the glass shards to cut me so deep and wide that I’d bleed all over myself, and reform into a new being.  That’s what twin flames do, didn’t you know? It’s not meant to be soul mate love, it’s something like the dark knight of the soul in the form of a relationship. I’ve had many of those already though, so that’s why being single for 3 years is bad but it’s not the worst thing, being in a terrible nightmarish relationship is worse. I didn’t write the Bushido code of honor, I found those words on the internet, but the self control part seemed to ring a bell in me.  No addictions, no out of control tempers, no abusers. Been there, done that. This year, since my birthday one of my wishes has been to bring more art into my life, so I embarked on an art project to create a Tanabata Wishing Tree with an accompanying photoshoot. This is pretty ambitious for me since, in the last six months most of my time and energy goes to teaching English full time for my low income and making art and music have had less than a backseat role in my life of late.  I posted an ad on Facebook for a collaborating photographer and I found one. I shopped for things to make the tree and accessories to suit up as Orihime the Star Princess in my newest concept. The photographer backed out of our original Saturday date (July 7th, actual Tanabata observed) and I coaxed him back to do the shoot by nightfall Sunday. Wow. Thank Goddess. I needed this. Art and music are spiritual food for me and my reserves are pretty empty lately and I haven’t done an asianprincessartifacts project in possibly 2 years or more.  

_DSF1704My 短冊 tanzaku (written wishes for the tree) were very specific this year: A greeting kiss in front of the train station.  To sleep in the same bed until the morning, no not just the nanpa morning, every morning with my beloved. Every morning. These two things for 85% of Japanese already take me out of their potential partner list.  I’m not even kidding. 85% of Japanese people will not want to kiss you in public, and certainly not in front of the train station on a regular basis. Most of them also will not want to share a bed with you beyond sex and procreation, and will eventually move to their own room.  These are certainly things that I took for granted in the U.S, as well as the physical attractiveness factor that I held for the more than 50% of heterosexual men that looked at me. I have moved to a country where everything I knew has been turned upside down and/or needs to be thrown out. It’s very rare someone is going to ask you on a date in person or compliment you, carry your bag for you or hold open a door.  This is Japan for women. 

New rules with new players.  Or, old rules new players.   Nothing is as Universal as I thought, especially in the land of densely packed separation. But still i wish upon the star tree I made because miracles brought me here, helped me flourish here and this is how I know I will end up getting everything I want.


Have you experienced being illiterate?

36383484_10214366791796878_180251586910486528_oI just took my first standardized test for the first time in 14 years.  I don’t do well on these types of things. I got a 1040 on my SAT out of high school and that is incredibly low for someone who is a self identified nerd and now has a Masters of Education from UCLA.  Getting a Masters, I was not required to enter any standardized test scores. I took the GRE but to this day, I don’t know what my score was, the notification came back and I couldn’t understand how to score myself.  I didn’t need the score anyway so I didn’t bother trying to figure it out. I have studied Japanese for at least 1-2 hours everyday for the last two years and I have been studying the format for this test for about six months since I registered and paid for it.  I use the test as a way to measure myself against what is required to work using Japanese in a professional environment. It’s actually a useful standard I think. No employer will ask for proof, the proof is in you and it becomes apparent. I’ve written business emails applying for jobs, I’ve done some low paid work making phone calls for American tourism companies to practice my weakness of phone calls.  I’ve gotten over the fear because I had to. Surviving as an immigrant whose native language is not much spoken in the country is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. Everything before this has prepared me for this hardship but it doesn’t make it easier. I got lost looking for the college campus that the test was being held at, I had 8 minutes to spare before the doors closed and I was running there in 90 degree Japan summer sun and I was dripping with sweat and had actually peed in my pants out of anxiety even though I had just gone to the toilet at the train station right before that.  (I have had stress incontinence for a decade or more). Directions, map orientations and being on time are also not my forte. I arrived in time with just 5 minutes to spare and sat in my chair like a college student in a classroom, a familiar feeling (academia) waiting for my heartbeat and body temperature to match the sixty other foreigners taking the test in Tokyo in that level that day.




I have worked so incredibly hard on becoming fluent in Japanese.  I first started this journey at the age of 12, continued in high school and one year in undergraduate and then since moving to Japan, the last two years have been a daily exercise in humility and reconstructing a torn down ego.  I watched the TED Talks on language learning and got falsely inflated like most people do about language learning. It does not take 6 months to become fluent. You can SPEAK a language in 6 months, I came to Japan speaking Japanese on a basic level, and had been since the age of 12.  Fluency, competent literacy at an educated adult level is a whole different thing.



My Japanese literacy is at the 2nd grade level.  It takes me hours to read and understand websites for things I need like getting a package redelivered or reprogramming my password for my banking website.  I use ( and love) a social media app called Hello Talk to write sentences and they come back corrected 100% of the time with incorrect grammar or totally not understood by the Japanese community on that app.  If you have read an email or anything from someone trying to write in your native language and you shake your head at how terrible it is, that is me in Japanese trying to write normal sentences above the basic level.   Reading a menu is easy for me, but that is just one small aspect of adult functioning in society. When I think about how hard I thought grad school teaching was, my weekly trials are about 5 times that difficulty. AND I do not have daily bong hits to make it easier.  I can drink wine but alcohol doesn’t do the same thing for me, it makes me unwind a bit, and then it makes me sleepy. Getting drunk is nothing near as satisfying and mind and ego soothing as marijuana. I don’t want to live in Japan forever, one of the main reasons is marijuana prohibition.  My life is better stoned. I have thoroughly tested this out. My goal is to attain fluency and then use my fluency outside of Japan.


I struggled through my graduate degree which was simultaneous first year teaching in a rough LA low income high school.  I was just thirty years old but mentally and emotionally immature I think in retrospect. I was the oldest teacher in my cohort but I could barely handle the pressure of being thrown to the wolves everyday.  There were a lot of crying fits and smoking weed to cope through these years. I could literally not wait to graduate so that I could give up trying to be something I knew that I wasn’t. The difference with me in Japan, is that I am struggling to become something that I know that I am.  People think they are helping you by speaking English to you, but they are actually basing your incompetence in Japanese on how you look and it really ends up pissing me off when it happens. It means that you have failed for the day. You’re not Japanese enough, go to the end of the line.  WHEN I attain fluency my income will double and I will have the ability to go back to my freelance life with more freedom than I have now as an English teacher. I DO get to use Japanese while teaching English however, so that part is satisfying. The level that I do have in Japanese helps my students in explanation and some of my students cannot speak English at all.  I’ve even had a few clients that I communicate with entirely in Japanese. Even that my Japanese isn’t at fluency level, I know for a fact it has helped students feel at ease and that I have been able to communicate and resolve issues both in my job as a teacher and in real world Japan. But every time they start miming to you silently because you obviously don’t speak Japanese it hurts because you know that you have studied more hours in that week than they even bother to realize, every time you leave a lecture understanding 50% of what was said and your brain feels burnt to a crisp from just 50% it hurts.  I dream of the day when these stresses will be part of my past. This day will come. I will not go home to my comfort zone until this day comes.



Here comes the wetness!

…the rainy wetness and then the sweaty wetness that is.  June means Japan’s tsuyu or rainy season is upon us.  It’s just starting to get hot as summer but nearly as hot as it will be in the next 3 months of summer.  Every other day it rains continuously all day and then the next day it is bright and sunny, even blazingly hot, about 82/32 degrees  in the sun, which already is hotter than the average Los Angeles day.  We have humidity in Japan, which makes the hot months here super hot.  I have maggots that like to grow in my garbage in the heat, so I have to clean out my garbage and recycling of the vermin every other week in the summer.  It’s disgusting but, in LA, I had mice and cockroaches, so different places, different critters.  They also have these microscopic mites that live in the futons and bite you while sleeping, kind of like bed bugs but smaller.  At least bed bugs you can see and kill.  Dani, you can’t kill with your fingers.  I spent my birthday making half naked videos for social media (Yay, I did art! This was the goal: check) on a psychedelic spiritual reflective journey, rolling around on the floor of my apartment mostly blissfully.  I fundraised for a nice Thai dinner and a massage, and even though I wasn’t expecting anyone to paypal at all, I got what I asked for and more.  This was actually a nice surprise.  I think living in Tokyo, I’ve gotten used to setting my expectations to low or zero when it comes to people, just because of the results that I’ve been getting socially here.  My moods are pretty happy and well.  My health is good.  I like my job teaching English, I have gained a ton of new teaching skills that I didn’t have teaching in the U.S, skills that I feel are more valuable and applicable to teaching English as a Foreign Language to students anywhere in the world.  Of course, I want to continue focusing on Japan.  I’ve decided a few things which have helped me get excited for the future.  I’ve decided to move from Tokyo in January after the lease on this apartment is up and try another part of Japan.  I know that my time in Japan is not forever, and I definitely feel like I’ve done all that I can do in Tokyo, or, I’ve received all that it is willing to give me without spending ten years of my life here.  I want to move to a place that is surrounded by nature.  The blue of the sea or the green of the Japanese forest that instantly refreshes me just to lay my eyes on it.  The trees are greener in Japan than anywhere I have been in the world.  I tried to apply and got interviews at two sex work jobs: one was a sugar dating agency and another was with a stripclub in Roppongi.  I was quite surprised that I even got as far as an interview with either of them, because I had been trying for a solid 2 years here and there to supplement my income with some occasional sex work but to no avail.  I started to accept that I wasn’t the right aesthetic for Japan about six months into my residency here.  I switched focus to gaining fluency, and in July 1 I will take my first Japanese Proficiency Exam Level 4 which I have been studying quite a lot since January in addition to studying the language and diving head first into various challenges, including doing these two recent interviews in mostly Japanese, revealing my tattoos, my age and my body size, which being about 145 lbs is probably considered elephant obese I’m convinced.  I’ve definitely seen women who were bigger than me, but Japan focuses hard on illusion.  I don’t hate Japan.  I am learning so much about myself, this language and this culture, but, like I said, I know that it is temporary.  I am not a conformist, so this culture and I will never be happily married.  I stopped seeing the hafu Brazilian guy.  I trailed off slowly and stopped initiating communication but he’d still pop up here and there every week just in texts.  He had no ideas for dates or ways to make me happy so it just became futile.  The last straw was when he called me on my birthday and didn’t know it.  I told him it was my birthday, he said, Mine was last week.  Happy Birthday.  I said.  “What did you do?”  “Nothing.” he said,” And You?”  He sent me a Happy Bday gif but didn’t really have an offer to see me or get together.  I waited 24 hours for it to organically form out of him (i.e And you?  Are you busy tonite/tomorrow/this weekend?) but then in the morning when I didn’t get it, I got finally annoyed, told him off and blocked him.  Oh, I know, women expect you to be mind readers, blah blah blah.  Maybe it’s a case of that, but I guess I need to be paired with someone who doesn’t need to be a mind reader, but someone who has some creative coupling ideas when it comes to being close.  Every time he would text, I’d just feel annoyed, my interest had waned.  every date we had ever been on was my planning and idea, except for maybe the first one which was just dinner and sex.   And yes twice a month sex and cuddling is nice, but it just ran its course, and I’m just not one to stay in something just because I might not have anything else.  While it’s true, I might be UNconsciously celibate (I’m a Japan INCEL!) for another six months here in Tokyo, I’d rather do that actually than be with him.  Clearly I did because I ended it with no pain.  I knew I could do better when during Japan’s national week of holidays all he could offer me was one night, which was the usual time we could spend together every two weeks.  He was busy all of the other days.  So I finally just went on a mini vacation out of Tokyo alone instead.  I wasn’t going to miss my one chance to leave town just to spend it in the usual way with someone with no ideas.  No way.  I never get to leave Tokyo because of my job and I truly think that going away to a beautiful picturesque blue sea and white beach for a solid 3 days, soaking in onsen and talking with friendly people convinced me of the plan to exit the urban jungle was neccesary.  I want to spend my next couple of years immersing in fluency somewhere else to fully round out my Japan living experience.  Then, after fluency, I will be able to return every year as a translator but not have to be bound by the rigid rules of the society here.  There is Quora question about why foreigners leave after 5 years, and I’m wondering if I should answer it.  I’ve always known that I wasn’t going to live in Japan forever.  Even if I managed to find a partner and get pregnant, I wasn’t going to settle down forever in this country.  Thus, marrying a hafu person was and is ideal for me.  I am definitely starting to wonder about this aspect of my life.  But, whenever I start to compare my current life to the life I idealized I “should be having at my age” is when I can start to get really really sad and depressed and everything becomes bleak, which I just don’t want to do, so I don’t.  I”m happy, things are comfortable.  I could have kept this mediocre lover of mine, but I decided not to.  Ho hum.  What’s next?

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