Posts Tagged ‘BISEXUAL

18
Aug
09

a call to the community..answered?

I have a new roommate.  She recently turned 18 and ran away to my house.  4 years ago she was in my 9th grade classroom and since I have remained in touch with those kids who have remained in touch with me, P and I were able to support each other in this time of mutual crisis.  She just left a 1 BR apartment shared with 2 families and 3 or 4 kids under 13.  Being in a living room all to herself is probably a luxury.  She has 2 jobs (that actually PAY the rent) and a high school diploma which is already worlds ahead of what my ex-boyfriend came into the equation with.  I have kept in touch with her peripherally through text message updates and perhaps annual outings.  She and I had a connection since she was a 9th grader because within a week of meeting me, she told me she was bisexual and that she wanted to be a stripper.  I NEVER told her that I was a sex worker, or that I had spent 3 years as a stripper and never revealed to her or any of my students that I had done sex work.  I gave her a book.
Lily Burana’s  “Strip City” books_feature-11413because it was comprehensive rights based, realistic and entertaining, and, my dad had given it to me, so it seemed appropriate.  Knowledge is power for everyone, especially those that have the intention of getting into the sex industry at a young age.  She never did become a teen prostitute, or an unwed mother or chola gangstress.  She was always  a leader, a cheerleader, a model undocumented student citizen who would probably never on her own be able to afford college as long as she would have to pay International student tuition for her college educaiton and have no access to Federal Student Aid…

We are not romantically involved in any way.  In fact, it’s been quite interesting for me all this week.  In the same week that I had re-entered the high school classroom, this time as an unpaid volunteer and tutored a few students she called me wanting to move out of her house.  Since I am on the verge of not paying my rent next month, it could NOT have come at a better time.  It would be refreshing to live here and have the other person PAY RENT for once.  Really Refreshing.

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Mommy Fiercest, Nina Hartley and me! 3 generations of sex worker leadership (okay, me and Mommy are only 5 years apart, but I think I aged like 20 years running SWOP-LA

In the week of my big meltdown, another Phoenix rose from the ashes that was SWOP-LA.  She goes by Mommy Fiercest and I met her doing outreach in Mexico City at the AIDS International madness conference.  I don’t remember of course, because that conference would bring EASILY 100 individuals to your booth EACH DAY.  She joined SWOP-LA and has slowly been participating in various events with me as I drove myself to burn out..The handover was simple and beautiful.  Like a president changing office.  Ha.  Almost.  But it’s really been quite smooth and i am so relieved to hand over the keys.  It will be a true measure of my success if she takes it makes it bigger than I did.  Or if we get some grant money to pay people to make it bigger and more present than I ever could self funding it with my prostitution.

I am back to unplugging the laptop and webcamming with callers in private in my room.   P shows no interest in sex work and in the last 4 years that I have known her has tamed down quite a bit as far as her outward sexuality as she has gotten older.  You would think that that would be the first place that the average undocumented female worker would go.  But I guess that’s my warped perception.  So how do you change over from being a open whore in your face artist back to a reserved responsible adult role model trying to educate a young person.  You don’t.  Why?  Because she is 18 now and she’s not my student, she’s my roomate!

We have a very pure relationship actually.  I tried to be very compartmentalized while I was a teacher.  I was very serious about my work.  I ran a Gay-Straight Alliance in a South Central and it went over fine for the most part, no fear.  I never would imagine being attracted to my students nor did I talk to them in detail about my personal life.  That was the golden boundary for most teachers to stay sane: your personal life, especially sex life is to be ignored as if it did not exist.  You don’t need to go there with them.  period.  Just smile and say you are a virgin.  and leave it at that.  In fact, when I was teaching, I politically chose to identify as GAY and be the GAY TEACHER because I wanted to appear somewhat off limits, and “asexual” to most students, especially the young men I was trying to teach about sexism, homophobia and misogyny.   I didn’t even like the word BISEXUAL because it had the word SEXUAL in it every time you uttered it, and that, suprisingly is NOT my main objective every moment with everybody, despite the whore that I know that I am.  When teaching high school, I felt and perhaps still feel that the more ASEXUAL you are the MORE POWER YOU HAVE.  Not like creepy or like the asexual chemistry teacher who was too unattractive and unkempt even to hire a provider type of way, but asexual in a secret file but still there way, like with most politicians, but not as hypocritical.   Because unlike with adult men, SEXUALITY is NOT a bargaining chip that wins you access or privileges.  With your young male students, its the other way around and I wasn’t interested in abusing my power with anyone in ways that it had been abused with me.   With young male students, the power dynamic of sexual advantage is very much there for them already with the girls that they are actually or just talking about “deflowering” or making babies with.  As a female adult in their lives, I had the thankful advantage of being exempt from that realm of teen sex drama, because I had already gone through it once, thank you.

I brought a student in to the office for repeatedly calling me “sexy” instead of my name and used his harassment, and other student’s essays about homophobia and date rape as the basis of my Master’s inquiry paper.  In some strange way, escorting has just been this ongoing and continuous exploration of male privilege and where the seeds of that first begin to grow.  It is something that I have probably been exploring my whole healing life…

So living with P these days, being an all out urban geisha and web cam mistress during the day in my home office, it’s been interesting.  I have to learn to recompartmentalize again.  I am fortunate that I have found amazing women to help me in my struggle, to answer the call to lead without having to be nagged or pushed to do so.  I am old enough to be her parent, who would have had her when I was 17 and was now struggling to support us with my dying sex work jobs.  But instead she is helping me.  In ways that my partner could not even do after 2 years.  Crazy isn’t it?  And this happens to me because I am that overcaring mentor and open door give you my cell phone number type of teacher sometimes.  It paid off this time.

A university singing/speaking gig was cancelled in new york.  That would have given me a $1000 to pay rent AND travel and visit friends I haven’t seen, have some paid art R&R inspiration alone time…but NO.  CANCELLED.  So I started to work on generating new material to send all the other campuses that I haven’t even started to talk to yet.  I got that gig from this blog, I think.  I haven’t even really begun any publicity on myself as a touring artist.  I guess running SWOP and being in the relationship for the last 2 years were more than enough for me to deal with.  But I guess I had to do all that.  I’ve been thinking so much about my life process lately…

I have been finding hope and value working in the adult school classroom because students are motivated, diligent, QUIET, and there is no lesson planning.  You are proctoring, mentoring, managing and motivating.  That’s the job.  Lots of correcting and filing.  It’s everything that being a day school teacher is minus the hard parts.  It even pays more.  So I’ve been excited to report to my therapist taht things are looking up.  I even showed up on time for the first time in 5 weeks today.

07
Jul
09

The musical influence and power of Michael Jackson..RIP

I realize you can’t call yourself a soul singer and NOT be influenced by Michael Jackson, The Jackson 5 and Smokey Robinson as he did his memorial at his funeral today at the Staples Center 2 miles away from my house still honking his own horn about being the original songwriter of I’ll be There, at his funeral.  I’ve never been an Usher fan until today boy, he really did a great job on his song “Gone Too Soon.”  The other young boy from the UK was quite touching, it was definitely a tear jerker today as I watched it on my slow buffering LIVE downloaded stream from my laptop.  (Because I don’t want  to watch TV and live with a guy who watches it constantly anyway so I haven’t converted to DTV and I don’t want a cable bill.  It’s better to wait until after and look for the uploads on youtube.  Start playing the video while you read the rest of this for the full effect…

There is a lot that the family is doing to make sure that he has a glorified ending.  It was quite touching and successful.  I don’t go to many funerals.  In fact, I haven’t been to one since my best friend died almost 8 years ago.  But I think today I took about 3 hours or more to just think about Michael, death and his influence.  He like Michael Jackson was a very talented artist, who died unexpectedly of heart failure in his sleep in his grandmother’s house at the age of 26.  We were just laughing and doing a photoshoot in the Hollywood Hills, where I was coincidentally, dressed like the late Marilyn Monroe, his all time favorite icon.

funerals and deaths of mega stars actually have a public mourning process,and I forgot that.  I wasn’t a fan of Tupac or Biggie during their deaths even..I never appreciated Pac until I realized his activism, which was clearly made a legacy by his mother who was a Black Panther..It was the movie that she produced that practically changed my life, and my art.  But Michael Jackson was bigger and richer than anyone.  He was part of a time of the indulgent and global fan crazed 80s.  I watched Madonna’s tribute to him while she was still rockin out in concert.  she must be sad.  they were on top of the world together at the same time once..

I didn’t really think I was a fan of Michael Jackson as an adult but as an adult singer, I realize that the soulful intonations that I am trying to practice are from that original 70’s Motown Smokey Robinson tradition..These are the influences of the ones that influence me: Mariah, Alicia, En Vogue, D’Angelo (whose voice flows over my body like a tongue..!)

I was feeling really hopeless and shitty before I tuned into the Michael Jackson tribute boy.  I am having trouble getting my drivers license renewed and my insurance CANCELLED ME!  but I will get it all figured out.  Blanket DOES resemble Michael. He’s totally cute.  Seems he was at least heterosexual enough to reproduce!  Obama should have said something.  It really is a big year for the visibility of half Black Americans.  (I’m talking about his kids!  His kids!)

At the funeral of my best friend, I had a chance for closure and forgiveness with his brother who had sexually assaulted me one summer that I slept over their house in burbank.  I was terrified of seeing him again, but I was welcomed to the grievance process of the family as an important person in my friends life and my side of the story was heard and through that death I was able to reach a pivotal moment in my healing.  Hugged his brother.  Had a short conversation with him, but one that included forgiveness and also felt the ever presence of my friend as he had truly been there for me to make that moment happen in his death.  He just couldn’t do it in his life.

I do hope that if there was any sexual abuse by Michael Jackson that occured at all, that through this final moment of MJ’s life that they are able to forgive him and see him for the greater part of what he was trying to do with his life.  As a survivor who has healed from too many incidents and has a life of post traumatic stress I am a bit biased when famous people are accused of abuse or assault because of the power that they have they are able to just continue their lives without interruption.  I’m not a fan of the prison industrial complex, so I think MJ’s fate to be isolated with himself and his family, close Neverland to children and self medicate with drugs for the last ten years should be what everyone who has been accused of rape, murder or abuse should have the choice of.  I think that’s one of my issues around it as well.  I think that MJ’s fall from grace and immortality was his punishment and he just aggravated that to his own death with an indulgent elite drug habit.

As a sex worker who has seen first hand over and over again  the DELUSION  that money and power have over many of my drug using clients, I never put it past those with lots of money and power to hurt or abuse while under the influence of excess.  I thnk that the line is very easy to cross for us all unless we examining and re-examining these issues with everyone around us.  More people have STDs than they would like to admit, more people have been raped than they want to admit as well as more people have perhaps done something in their life that has violated another perosn and they have absolutely NO IDEA that they did it because of their own baggage UNTIL something like a court case or a jail sentence or death that causes them to understand.  And sometimes even after, they still don’t understand.  I am a bit suspicious of the McCaully Culklin’s friendship with him was during that time and he pretty much disappeared from Hollywood too.  For all I know he is one of my next crack head clients talking about how he was ritually abused at Neverland and that was the end of his career and the beginning of his crack habit…i’m just saying..what happened to him?

It was a pretty epic funeral.  Fit for the King of Pop.  A Gold casket and star studded eulogy (including MLK Jr’s daughter and Al Sharpton) and the whole entire center of Los Angeles clearning a path for a motorcade.  Like when Obama took the office of President and I partied in the streets of San Francisco in universal American joy, never have I witnessed the death and mourn the loss of a mega star like Elvis, Marilyn Monroe or Michael Jackson…

It looked like it was going to be a great show.  Unifying the world theme.  We are the world..  We are the children.  And a special appearance by the Britain’s Got Talent child star ending with a duet.  And Al Shartpton preaching that “It was Michael” that brought Black and white together, and “it was Michael” that got Obama into office was a little bit hilarious but I got into it as it progressed.

Today, by email, by dad informs me that my Uncle Bob, died of cancer at around the age of 80.  He was closer to me and my family when we were kids, but as teenagers and adults he was a distant figure at the Family dinner reunion.  LOTS OF PEOPLE DYING LATELY? Or is it just me…I don’t know if you have EVER pictured your funeral and what you want it to be like, but most of us know that it isn’t going to be like the one we saw today.  One can only imagine a funeral of epic proportions..

In the last 2 years I have had thoughts of hopelessness and suicide in brief incriments, nothing serious but still salient and notable enough to blog about, It’s usually of me shooting myself in the face….(Hmmm. A cry for help? you Decide.)   pretty much because of feeling underappreciated and unloved by family members, the sex worker community, my deadend relationship…sometimes it does take a death to make us realize greatness which is the cause of a lot of drug overdoses and suicides in the world, I imagine.  I have imagined my funeral…I got a mailer the other day that used the words “recession” and “green economy” in the same mailer…(some marketing guy was paid top dollar to find the trending keywords on twitter for this cremation service boy!) I do want to be cremated though, I wonder how they knew..

I smoke weed to manage depression and hopelessness and try to lay off the idea that opiates or alcohol could ever take problems away.  One night, I did a half a pill of a prescription opiate once and was sick and dizzy for 12 hours after that, just a tiny half bit more could KILL you, unless you have naloxone…MJ was one of the wealthiest drug users around.  who could tell him no?  or, hey Michael I think you really are doing too much…His rent was 100,000 a month!  He was a king!  And when did Lou Ferrigno (The original Hulk?) become so flaming gay (and weird?) with his lisp?

Too many pills.. Anna Nicole and Marilyn died the same way.  And the guy from Batman too.  But boy you score when you get a source of 80mL of oxycotin..they sell for $50-80 per little pill on the street!  Apparently because of the Jackson scandal, doctors are tightening up on their prescriptions. (for a little while to this blows over..)  Naloxone will reverse an opiate overdose but won’t work on other overdoses that aren’t opiate.  I believe that MJ was using Diprovan, which is like a strong Methadone..I had a methadone client.  He was a DJ who believed that he could DJ in a rotating hamster wheel like contraption upside down.  Above a crowd.  I was drinking mimosas with him and laughing at him while taking his money… He gave me a methadone pill and I took HALF of it.  The mix of alcohol and methadone made me feel sick to my stomach ALL DAMN DAY.  Even driving in a car made me nauseous.  In fact, I even threw up in the bathroom of my next client, running the sink to camofaluge an embarassing moment.  The moral of the story is that prescription pills are touchy.  You can’t just have the “down the hatch” balls out attitude with them that you do when you drink alcohol for instance.  MJ used to sit in his bed watching Donald Duck cartoons wishing that he could get some sleep.  Half of his body was hot and half of his body was cold, he told his nurse, but he did not want to go the hospital.  He was already dying before he died.

His life and death kind of reminds me of the movie Gia…which I just saw recently in a lot of ways..bisexual AIDS crisis classic! OMG.  A beautiful tragedy…Michael Jackson wrote a song for Ryan White!  It’s because of the Ryan Act that  an HIV/AIDS movement even exists! I was probably Ryan White’s same age actually..it was interesting to see he was part of that Gia era of history.  The 80’s!  drugs, sex and STDS!  And Black and White Unified?  Really Al? In the Reagan era?  I mean, I was only 8 but still..Just like Reagan when he died, his memorial was carefully crafted and he was rememberd for none of the horrific genocide or drug and arms sales, but his acting! and his philathropy!

30
Mar
09

Bisexual Twins and Gay Triplets: O my!

 

guilty pleasures

guilty pleasures

Okay, an ASIAN bisexual was not enough of a fetish for the reality watching audience…So HOW ON EARTH could they TOP THAT??  My latest guilty pleasure is catching glimpses of the bisexual Ikki Twins and their double shot at love show.  I started getting into the show because Tila Tequila stole my schtick and made herself famous doing it but I wasn’t hating so I’d try to watch it…I started to really get into SOME aspects of it.  

1.  seeing ROMANTIC portrayals of bisexuality on mainstream TV

2.  seeing another Asian hottie besides Lucy Liu who wasn’t a porn star on TV

3.  seeing REAL queer women talk about QUEER “love” (attraction).

4.  somewhat validating bisexuality as queer by having real dykes alongside lipstick femmes in chocolate sauce licking competititons

The Ikki twin show is kind of a bit much for me though, because yes, they are really bisexual and they are not exactly identical twins and one is better looking than the other, but because they’re a little too cheesy and sorority fluff for me to be attracted.  They’re also too Maxim/Stuff cliche for me too.  and they remind me of annoying strippers that I would stay away from if they worked with me, but some of the girls that are vying for the “love” of the twins or Tila Tequila have been pretty hot.  

The idea of dating the same person as your twin at the same time is freaky to me.  I come from a family that barely can bathe naked in front of each other.  My sisters and mom wouldn’t even go to a clothing optional hot spring in the mountains cuz it was too much for them to handle.  How could you have sex or make out sessions side by side with your family members is a little weird, but hey maybe my family’s a little conservative…

They make me ill and force me to change the channel when they started choking up about falling in love with someone they’ve been on two 2.5 hour dates with,”I just can’t get through to him…sob sob, I’m really starting to FALL for him…”Ikki 1 says to Ikki 2..

This is the same thing that would make me change the channel on Tila..or Paula Abdul for that matter when she’s sobbing because she has to cut the latest overly loungey American idol wanna be..

sorry but, I guess the MAN in me, won’t alllow these bitches to get to me!  (I’m so tough, I know..)

Recently, I”ve been mentoring and hanging out with a wonderful MTF transgender sex worker who used to a shemale porn star with 27 movies to her credit!  She is very stunning, passable, tropical, sensual and functional, which for those of you who aren’t in tranny sex worker know world-means that she can and will fuck you with her dick if you are so lucky..

This is a combination that I’ve been very attracted to, being bisexual, it seem only natural to be into something that’s fake boob job and pretty face on top and not a strap on but a real hard flesh pounding functional cock!  Unfortunately, most of the trannies that I am into, are sex workers and are usually heterosexually identified and only love dick.  And then there is some inner phobia between transwomen and genetic women that I haven’t put my finger on or in just yet, but that I’ve been noticing.. Layna messes with my head and teases me the way all hot femme divas know how to, but I try to not have any sexual feelings towards her, as she is like a co-worker and I know she is just doing it to amuse herself.  She also treats me like her submissive (which looks like treating me like a client) a lot and that is something that I can’t deal with very well, being a domme and actually more of a top femme  or “guy” identified (which doesn’t neccesarily ential dominance, but w/e) when it comes to girl/girl relationships.  Even more complicated that she is a tranny..but oh well.

We shared a hotel room traveling once and bought the pay per view porn starring the VISCONTI TRIPLETS!  visconti-tripletsI like the one on the right, he looks the youngest.  I realized while watching them in action that they appeared bisexual and not gay.  But I wasn’t really sure how I could tell that.  I know that I have gay dar and can 99% effectively spot gay, lesbian and transgendered people in rooms.  I think that they’re bi.  I can’t prove it cuz they’re all in the scenes pounding other guys upside down in fancy Swiss mansions and stuff, but I just have this feeling.. I realize that I must NOT be the gay man on the inside that I thought that I was because I didn’t find myself getting “an erection..” while watching them.  I was fascinated and could appreciate their good looks, but I’m overall not as physically attracted to men as I am to women.  I hate male strippers and I have never craned my neck to look at a man’s chest in the way that I have with a woman’s.  However, I am cursed with appearing straight and being the center of gravity for most straight males.  Which leads me to the path of sex work as a 10 year career path..but i digress.  I felt the way a straight non homophobic man would feel watching them I guess.  Perhaps that’s the inner me.  Because I am in a hot puddle when watching all girl porn.  Triplet girls would probably still gross me out though.  So does any squirting exploitation videos (squirting gangbangs…bleah!)  You just shouldn’t have sex side by side with your family members.  I’m sorry.  Call me conservative.  They’re can’t leave the set and be like,”Oh, I was just acting..or That was all fake..” 

I just did an *amazing* couple date.  A quick one hour in a motel with a Mexican guy and a El Salvadorean chica…ayayayaya.  it was fabulous.  I specialize in couples and have been seeing one a month for the last year and it’s been such a great move for everything, my sexuality, my career.  Most of the women have been amazing, good looking, 30-40 years old and assertive and all.  Most, even the crack smoking older folks, are even fulfilling!  (Hey, they were happy during and after, who cares if they do crack and get freaky?)  when everyone in sex work is happy, it’s great.  Through my work as a professional bisexual, I have seriously had more play with women than any dumb girl party or club that I tried to get laid at..




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