Posts Tagged ‘relationships

12
Jul
18

Wishing for a Superstar Cow Herder…

Tanabata_JapanSuiteThis is the traditional Japanese summer tale called Tanabata  that I first paid attention to my first summer in Japan 2016.  It’s age old, originally from China and adapted into Japanese tradition which can even be seen pictured in Hokusai’s Ukiyoe prints.  I remember making a slip of paper in a nearby shopping mall in Kyoto that July:

“I wish to manifest the future co-creator of the family I wish to build, my mirror nisei nihonjin (this is back when I thought I was nisei, I’m actually hafu not nisei), artist; Bushido Code: Honor, loyalty, courage, integrity, sincerity, politeness and self control.”

36786313_2065384913490019_6171921936256335872_oThe same wish to manifest the future co-creator of the family I wish to build has been a personal mantra that I have chanted for at least 3 years or more intermittently through sex magic and prayer.  It’s not happened yet. Not even close. 3 years ago my ex boyfriend told me,”I’m sure someday you’ll make a great mother.” and in his own way he was trying to be supportive with his words but they were in effect telling me that our relationship was probably soon to expire, definitely before anything like pregnancy between us ever occurred, and that he wasn’t going to be the father.  I remember those words making me cry at the time. It’s just not what your monogamish current girlfriend wants to hear from her twin flame. My twin flame was not meant to be with me for long, he was just meant to reflect all my weaknesses, be like a broken mirror that would turn into the glass shards to cut me so deep and wide that I’d bleed all over myself, and reform into a new being.  That’s what twin flames do, didn’t you know? It’s not meant to be soul mate love, it’s something like the dark knight of the soul in the form of a relationship. I’ve had many of those already though, so that’s why being single for 3 years is bad but it’s not the worst thing, being in a terrible nightmarish relationship is worse. I didn’t write the Bushido code of honor, I found those words on the internet, but the self control part seemed to ring a bell in me.  No addictions, no out of control tempers, no abusers. Been there, done that. This year, since my birthday one of my wishes has been to bring more art into my life, so I embarked on an art project to create a Tanabata Wishing Tree with an accompanying photoshoot. This is pretty ambitious for me since, in the last six months most of my time and energy goes to teaching English full time for my low income and making art and music have had less than a backseat role in my life of late.  I posted an ad on Facebook for a collaborating photographer and I found one. I shopped for things to make the tree and accessories to suit up as Orihime the Star Princess in my newest concept. The photographer backed out of our original Saturday date (July 7th, actual Tanabata observed) and I coaxed him back to do the shoot by nightfall Sunday. Wow. Thank Goddess. I needed this. Art and music are spiritual food for me and my reserves are pretty empty lately and I haven’t done an asianprincessartifacts project in possibly 2 years or more.  

_DSF1704My 短冊 tanzaku (written wishes for the tree) were very specific this year: A greeting kiss in front of the train station.  To sleep in the same bed until the morning, no not just the nanpa morning, every morning with my beloved. Every morning. These two things for 85% of Japanese already take me out of their potential partner list.  I’m not even kidding. 85% of Japanese people will not want to kiss you in public, and certainly not in front of the train station on a regular basis. Most of them also will not want to share a bed with you beyond sex and procreation, and will eventually move to their own room.  These are certainly things that I took for granted in the U.S, as well as the physical attractiveness factor that I held for the more than 50% of heterosexual men that looked at me. I have moved to a country where everything I knew has been turned upside down and/or needs to be thrown out. It’s very rare someone is going to ask you on a date in person or compliment you, carry your bag for you or hold open a door.  This is Japan for women. 

New rules with new players.  Or, old rules new players.   Nothing is as Universal as I thought, especially in the land of densely packed separation. But still i wish upon the star tree I made because miracles brought me here, helped me flourish here and this is how I know I will end up getting everything I want.

11
Jun
17

Secure Unattached Relationship Style

YOU HAVE CONSENT TO AUTHENTICALLY CRITIQUE:
 
I was raised the youngest of 3 girls. But they never hung out with me. They hung out with each other and love each other and still treat each other like normal sisters. My single mom worked a lot and wasn’t really present. So I was raised in an all female household but there was no “goddess feminine energy” to my knowledge. Very masculine actually, and with the addition of being left to fend for myself emotionally throughout, I developed the skill of self love, self companionship and relentless independence.
 
So I hardly have ANY CIS FEMALE FRIENDS. Not in the last 10 years. And certainly not a pack of girlfriends. I never had or know anything of that life of going out on a girls night. Twice a lesbian annual one, but that also didn’t last long. If I have female friends they are over 60 or trans MTFs. Seriously. Is it something about mating and primal nature? I have my 2 chosen daughters, they are cis female and AMAZING. My daughter Patzy Pat adopted me, I always say. I was about to kill myself that year.
 
MEN (str8 and gay) ARE ATTRACTED TO ME for mentorship, sex and friendship, coaching and domination. I’ve always had gay/bi guy best friends, but i don’t play the straight girl, its a queership we sail, rocking out cocks out. NO SEX WITH FRIENDS and chosen family. For me, that’s what I believe makes us long term friends and family! I have specialized in MEN’S SEXUALITY primarily and professionally for 17 YEARS. Boys and sexual harassment in schools was my Grad School thesis.
 
But MEN and my romantic relationships. If they are attracted to stay with me they are OFTEN LOST or seeking more than I can give and are certainly not a reflection of my strength and I am done with unhealthy codependant raising of any baby man, or accepting anything less than the DIVINE MASCULINE who is at least willing to work on self constantly, as I do, as I am. Together, if we are to be together. BESIDES, I AM LOOKING FOR A MAN TO RAISE A CHILD WITH so they must be a wise old divine soul even if their years don’t match with mine. It has always been a BATTLE to get my partners into coaching or counseling WITH ME and I will not do that again. I choose someone who has already had coaching, therapy or counseling! Woohoo!
 
So it is said that the way we date now is based on our childhoods and previous relationships. I played, existed and ventured alone. I rode my bike alone going nowhere special throughout age 9-11 and starting driving my moms car by age 15! Ride my pinkHuffy around around South SF the same way I do in LA and Tokyo. (It feels that way, so that’s why I love biking. )
 
I AM PERPETUALLY SINGLE. AM I AVOIDANT? AM I INSECURE?? I was an insecure WRECK in my last relationship 1000% but I ABSOLUTELY KNOW how to not do THAT again. I am pretty sure I am SECURE as a human and a woman…yet SECURES always have partners. Us 3 sisters were raised in the same environment, but BOTH MY SISTERS turned out to be SERIAL MONOGAMISTS with NO significant time BEING SINGLE and me an ALWAYS SINGLE BARELY AND TERRIBLY COUPLED and journeying through a continuum of sexual violence. Unloved and neglected perhaps? This was imprinted AT BIRTH. My dad and 2 sisters weren’t even there when I came OUT.
 
Does it make me avoidant if at the first few red flag behaviors I can easily CUT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER? Not friends with any exes or their mamas.
 
“the SECURE UNATTACHMENT RELATIONSHIP STYLE” LOL
 
that’s me. Secure unattacheds are not opposed to pair bonding relationships….just cautious as to who they will actually attach to because, they are SECURE UNATTACHED. So if you are not BETTER, FASTER, MORE AMAZING than me by my damn self then I’m blowing exhaust in your face as I drive away. Is this what they call AVOIDANT? Happy to avoid BULLSHIT AND TRAUMA. Arigato Gozaimasu. Ke’ko desu!
 
I almost never am attached to another or any group or clique. I have a romantic relationship every 2 years and the last 2 lasted less than 6 months. It has been over 2 years since my last serious relationship.
 
I am always alone. Most of the time I love it, but sometime I hate it. Right now, it’s getting REALLY OLD AND LONELY. I’d like to be in a romantic relationship in Japan. I’d like to be courted by decent gods and goddess. I’d like to have exciting sex again. I wonder if it will ALWAYS BE THIS WAY and if it is possible to change it or me and what i can do to influence a shift.



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